I Miss :`{

I miss being pregnant today.  I keep forgetting that I'm not pregnant anymore.  I woke up with my hand on my belly ready to do my little "Hello Baby Hope" talk then realized there's nothing there anymore.

I miss my morning talks with my baby.

I miss being happy and not having to pretend everything is okay most of  the time.

I miss the excitement of making it through each week and happily watching my pregnancy ticker change from week to week.

I miss the thrill of my "secret" I was keeping from most everyone.  Except, now I still have a secret, but, no one wants to hear about my sad miscarriage news.

I miss that eating chocolate made me sick while I was pregnant.

I miss eating crackers and chewing gum to keep my morning sickness calmed down.

I miss dry heaving after opening a can of soup.

I even miss bleeding because that was my last connection to my pregnancy.

I miss that my large shirts were too tight a couple of weeks ago and I had packed them away for what I had hoped would be 6 months.  Now it is bitter/sweet that I can fit into them again.  I even miss wearing maternity clothes even though I only got to wear them for a couple of days.

I miss feeling tired in the afternoon and having to take a nap.

I miss that there were some exercises I couldn't do anymore because I was pregnant.  Now I cry as I do all those exercises.

I miss planning future vacations and plans around my pregnancy and having a newborn baby.

I miss the confidence I felt, the ability to breathe again and the ability to move forward a little that I had at Janessa's 1 year angel b-day. 

I miss how far I had come on the grief journey, only to be sent back to "Start".

I miss excitedly dreaming about December and how wonderful it would be to have a newborn baby in my arms at Christmas.

I miss my little baby Hope and my what should be 1 year old Janessa. 

I miss my baby girls so much--I will miss you forever--I hope you are taking care of each other in Heaven.

I miss you and I can't wait to see you again!

I am so amazed at how Heavenly Father is guiding my scripture reading again this year.  Today I read in the Book of Mormon in Alma 28 where they have just had a big war and everyone is mourning and grieving their loved ones.  The verse that stuck out to me was verse 12, "While many thousands of others truly mourn for the loss of their kindered, yet they rejoice and exult in the hope, and even know, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are raised to dwell at the right hand of God, in a state of neverending happiness."  It was a good reminder that it is okay to be sad and happy at the same time.  I look forward to the time when I get to experience that promised "NEVERENDING HAPPINESS".

Hugs,

:`{  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)