Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Look What Came In The Mail Today . . . .
PINWHEELS!!!!!
It looks like I lucked out--this new company ships fast and they gave me a really good variety of colors and styles--looks like the pinwheel pictures are back up and running again :)
Here is the link to the company I bought them from if anyone wants to order pinwheels for their angel baby to put at your house or at the cemetery. They only sale the Slinky Brand, which I have found is the most durable. This company lets you order as less or as many as you want. MADE IN USA Forever.com
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Baby-Loss Family--January 27th
I would be lost without the support and love of my fellow BLM's (Baby-Loss Mommies)
The truly are like Family to me!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Birthday Request for Alanna's Mommy
Angel Baby Alanna's Mommy, Anna, of Alanna's Clay names has a special request for her birthday next week, Feb. 2, she would like people to write her angel babys name, Alanna, in a special way then take a picture of it and email it to ourforeverbaby@gmail.com
Click HERE to see Anna's post
I love that this is what Anna wants for her birthday--what an AWESOME birthday gift!!
PinWheel Request Waiting List Update
I've gotten quite a few Pinwheel Requests this past week. This makes me sadappy. Sad because more people are having to go through this grief journey and join our unwanted Baby Loss Mommy Club, but, happy that they have found my blog and others blogs so that their precious angel baby will be remembered by others--that really helps.
I'm getting a little behind because my pinwheel supply has dwindled to almost nothing and the company I was buying large quantities from isn't selling them anymore. So, I am frantically trying to find someone else who sells them, and I think I have found someone, so I will be ordering today, but, it will take time for them to get here. The thing I don't like about buying online is I don't get to pick the colors of the pinwheels, I just have to take what they send me. I'd buy the pinwheels from the store where I'm in control of picking the colors, but, pinwheels are seasonal items that usually don't appear in the stores until Easter. I can normally find them between March through July and then they start disappearing from the shelves as later summer arrives. So for all the people on my waiting list I haven't forgotten about you, it's just going to take me a little bit longer to get some of the pinwheel pictures done as I wait for these pinwheels to arrive.
Here's a little something for Baby Loss Mommys Christa, Sylvia, Ashley, and Julia as you wait:
Remembering:
I'm getting a little behind because my pinwheel supply has dwindled to almost nothing and the company I was buying large quantities from isn't selling them anymore. So, I am frantically trying to find someone else who sells them, and I think I have found someone, so I will be ordering today, but, it will take time for them to get here. The thing I don't like about buying online is I don't get to pick the colors of the pinwheels, I just have to take what they send me. I'd buy the pinwheels from the store where I'm in control of picking the colors, but, pinwheels are seasonal items that usually don't appear in the stores until Easter. I can normally find them between March through July and then they start disappearing from the shelves as later summer arrives. So for all the people on my waiting list I haven't forgotten about you, it's just going to take me a little bit longer to get some of the pinwheel pictures done as I wait for these pinwheels to arrive.
Here's a little something for Baby Loss Mommys Christa, Sylvia, Ashley, and Julia as you wait:
Remembering:
Clare Elizabeth,
Audrey Katniss,
Nathaniel Ryan,
Jonah Randee,
Miloh Brenner,
and
Shiloh
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
((Hugs))
:`) Shauna :`(
:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)
Friday, January 25, 2013
Valentine Holders for my Angel Girls
Valentines Day for the last 2 years has been really hard for me. It is the last holiday that Janessa was alive inside me. I have loved Valentines Day since I was a little kid. Maybe it was all the chocolate candy, maybe the fun conversation candy hearts, but, I think a lot of it was these cute handmade valentines that my Mom made me and my sisters each year--I really looked forward to them.
I've tried to carry that tradition forward with my children. We all have valentine holders and we make handmade valentines for each other that we put in the holders for each other and then my husband and I "heart attack" each of our kid's doors to their rooms with construction paper hearts and store bought valentines.
In 2010 I gave each of our kids a little stuff animal teddy bear that says I Love You on it. I even had one for Janessa that I was going to give to her after she was born. She did get it and it is buried with her.
I've had a really hard time these past 2 years that I can't heart attack doors for Janessa and Hope and give them valentines. I didn't have valentine holders for them because I thought what is the use they won't ever get the valentines. The first Valentines Day after Janessa died I was going to take the valentine I had made for her and put it on her grave, but, it really bothered me that it would get all soggy and wet or just blow away so I put it in her scrapbook instead and just decorated her grave with heart decorations.
This year I want to celebrate that Valentines Day was Janessa's last holiday alive and remember it with joy not with dread and sadness like I have and that is why I finally made valentine holders for both Janessa and Hope. All of their valentines will just go in their scrapbooks and I bought heart confetti again this year that I will "Heart Attack" Janessa's head stone with at the cemetery and "Heart Attack" Hope's memorial stone in our yard. I like that I can include all my children in our Valentine celebrations this year.
The cute little pink bear in these pictures is what I bought for Janessa's first Valentines Day and 1st Angel Birthday and it has spent time on Janessa's headstone with her at the cemetery.
I've tried to carry that tradition forward with my children. We all have valentine holders and we make handmade valentines for each other that we put in the holders for each other and then my husband and I "heart attack" each of our kid's doors to their rooms with construction paper hearts and store bought valentines.
In 2010 I gave each of our kids a little stuff animal teddy bear that says I Love You on it. I even had one for Janessa that I was going to give to her after she was born. She did get it and it is buried with her.
I've had a really hard time these past 2 years that I can't heart attack doors for Janessa and Hope and give them valentines. I didn't have valentine holders for them because I thought what is the use they won't ever get the valentines. The first Valentines Day after Janessa died I was going to take the valentine I had made for her and put it on her grave, but, it really bothered me that it would get all soggy and wet or just blow away so I put it in her scrapbook instead and just decorated her grave with heart decorations.
This year I want to celebrate that Valentines Day was Janessa's last holiday alive and remember it with joy not with dread and sadness like I have and that is why I finally made valentine holders for both Janessa and Hope. All of their valentines will just go in their scrapbooks and I bought heart confetti again this year that I will "Heart Attack" Janessa's head stone with at the cemetery and "Heart Attack" Hope's memorial stone in our yard. I like that I can include all my children in our Valentine celebrations this year.
The cute little pink bear in these pictures is what I bought for Janessa's first Valentines Day and 1st Angel Birthday and it has spent time on Janessa's headstone with her at the cemetery.
((Hugs))
:`) Shauna :`(
:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
139 PinWheels
I've done 1 3 9 PinWheels. I've reached Janessa's Angel Date (3/9)--plus 100-- again.
This is what the pinwheel garden looked like May 17, 2011, when I first reached 39 pinwheels. This was 2 months after I began PinWheels from Heaven and 10 days after I miscarried Hope Abigail.
This is what Janessa & Hope's Pinwheel Garden looks like today with 139 Pinwheels--1 year and 8 months later.
I never imagined I would reach this milestone. I love that I have pinwheels for 139 of Janessa & Hopes Angel Friends. This pinwheel garden has brought meaning and purpose to Janessa & Hope's deaths for me and is a way that I can reach out and help others and find healing myself.
This is what the pinwheel garden looked like May 17, 2011, when I first reached 39 pinwheels. This was 2 months after I began PinWheels from Heaven and 10 days after I miscarried Hope Abigail.
This is what Janessa & Hope's Pinwheel Garden looks like today with 139 Pinwheels--1 year and 8 months later.
I never imagined I would reach this milestone. I love that I have pinwheels for 139 of Janessa & Hopes Angel Friends. This pinwheel garden has brought meaning and purpose to Janessa & Hope's deaths for me and is a way that I can reach out and help others and find healing myself.
I look forward to when spring comes and I can place the pinwheels outside again so they can spin freely in the wind. I look forward to adding to the pinwheel garden for the angel friends we haven't met yet.
((Hugs))
:`) Shauna :`(
:) Janessa & Hopes Mommy :)
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Grief Triggers & Hugs From Heaven
This past weekend has been full of grief triggers for me. I fell apart when I saw a car seat sitting in our garage collecting spider webs that Janessa should be using. I've had a hard time as we have been repainting our living room because we were finishing our basement so we could move my son into a room downstairs so his room could be Janessa's and painting his new room when I was pregnant with Janessa. The color we chose for our living room this year ending up being a similar color to what we were using when we painted his room. And to top it all off, today at church a family with a new baby came and plopped their infant carrier right in front of me--that really hurt. I had to remind myself that they didn't know what happened to me. I moved my family further down the row so the baby was out of my view--I'm sure they thought I was really rude and mean--when really I was just trying to protect my heart. I really hope some day that it won't hurt so much to see babies and that I will be able to smile and be happy for the person instead of crying and being angry.
My Hug From Heaven today--When we started to repaint we accidently broke our middle blind and haven't had a chance to replace it yet. I have butterly clings on my window and when I went into our front room all these butterflies were reflected on my floor and the pinwheels were making rainbows all over my walls--it was so beautiful! A definitely needed Hug from little Angel Girls!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Sick Day/Week
This week I have taken sick leave from my normal life because I got the flu. I haven't been this physically miserable in over 4 years!!! Motrin, cough drops, chicken noodle soup, Popsicles, and mint gum have been my best friends for the past 7 days. I'm finally feeling better today, but, I still have a cough and haven't fully gained my voice back yet.
I was so distraught a couple of nights ago because I couldn't sleep and everything hurt and it just seemed like this flu was never going to end--I fell apart and started crying--that was not good because that made my cough worse. In an attempt to gain control I started repeating to myself that this was NOT the worse thing I had been through. Having a stillborn baby was much worse, having a miscarriage was much worse, this was easy--it was temporary and would eventually end. That calmed me down thinking of that. I wish grief were as easy to handle--take one medicine and it is all cured or endure 1 week of feeling miserable and then it is all gone. Grief unfortunately is an unwanted lifetime companion that at times is okay to deal with and other times very hard to deal with.
One good thing about being so sick right now is that it has totally distracted me from the normal stress I begin to feel about Janessa's angel birthday getting closer. I feel bad because I've canceled 2 counseling appointments because of this sickness and my next appointment isn't for 2 weeks.
One unexpected thing that seemed to help me endure this flu was this rock I bought a couple of weeks ago that I placed on my bathroom counter--it says "One Day At A Time". It helped give me hope this week that I just needed to make it through each day and not worry about the next day. It helps in normal life when I start to get overwhelmed about all the things coming up that are stressing me out--I just need to worry about one day at a time.
So how do I endure the flu?--ONE DAY AT A TIME!
How do I endure this grief journey and all the stress coming up? ONE DAY AT A TIME!
I was so distraught a couple of nights ago because I couldn't sleep and everything hurt and it just seemed like this flu was never going to end--I fell apart and started crying--that was not good because that made my cough worse. In an attempt to gain control I started repeating to myself that this was NOT the worse thing I had been through. Having a stillborn baby was much worse, having a miscarriage was much worse, this was easy--it was temporary and would eventually end. That calmed me down thinking of that. I wish grief were as easy to handle--take one medicine and it is all cured or endure 1 week of feeling miserable and then it is all gone. Grief unfortunately is an unwanted lifetime companion that at times is okay to deal with and other times very hard to deal with.
One good thing about being so sick right now is that it has totally distracted me from the normal stress I begin to feel about Janessa's angel birthday getting closer. I feel bad because I've canceled 2 counseling appointments because of this sickness and my next appointment isn't for 2 weeks.
One unexpected thing that seemed to help me endure this flu was this rock I bought a couple of weeks ago that I placed on my bathroom counter--it says "One Day At A Time". It helped give me hope this week that I just needed to make it through each day and not worry about the next day. It helps in normal life when I start to get overwhelmed about all the things coming up that are stressing me out--I just need to worry about one day at a time.
So how do I endure the flu?--ONE DAY AT A TIME!
How do I endure this grief journey and all the stress coming up? ONE DAY AT A TIME!
((Hugs))
:`) Shauna :`(
:) Janessa & Hopes Mommy :)
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Remembering Sandy Hook 1 Month Later
<3 Remembering Sandy Hook Elementary today and their 26 Angels <3
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Grateful and Sad
January through April are hard emotional months for me as I relive the last months that Janessa was alive. It is almost overwhelming to me to think that Janessa's angel birthday is in 8 weeks from today. I feel so guilty because while I was pregnant with her in the last months, I was so stressed out and worried about having another baby and I was so miserable physically and frustrated that I couldn't do things that all I could think about was my excitement for not being pregnant anymore--I completely ignored and missed the last 8 weeks that Janessa was alive.
I wish I could have a do over and go back and relive those 8 weeks now knowing what I know. I would enjoy every moment carrying Janessa. I would cherish each kick and each time I heard her heartbeat at the doctors office. I would have taken more pictures of my pregnant belly, I would have recorded her little heartbeat, I would have spent more time just sitting and relaxing and talking to my pregnant belly and enjoying our last weeks together.
3 years ago today we went to see the movie The Princess and The Frog. I remember that the sound would go up really loud every time there was singing in the movie. While I plugged my ears and cringed, Janessa danced and kicked happily inside me. She loved all the music! It makes me sad to remember that now, but, it also makes me grateful that Janessa was my most active baby in the womb and she kicked me the hardest and moved the most of all my kids. Since those 36 weeks were all I got with her it was a way for her to communicate with me and a way for me to remember her now and love her for every "love kick". I bought the dvd of the The Princess and the Frog and it came in the mail a couple of weeks after Janessa died. I haven't been able to even watch that dvd because it brings back all those memories.
Oh how I miss "my little dancing princess Janessa". I miss feeling all your playful kicks and movements. I miss hearing your heartbeat. I miss cuddling you in my belly. I hate that I am missing the almost little 3 year old dancing princess that you should be today.
Dance happily today in heaven my little precious angel.
<3 <3 <3
Monday, January 7, 2013
A Hard Day
I had a really hard day over the weekend. One of the speakers in church read the words to the primary song Heavenly Father Loves Me. Instantly those words sent me back to the cemetery sitting in front of Janessa's little pink coffin listening to that song being played. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I thought I was okay hearing the music from her graveside service, but, I guess it still triggers hard memories.
Some of the other talks were all about enduring adversity in our lives by counting our blessings and not getting angry or bitter or getting upset--just having faith and enduring. I came away feeling like I am a total failure. I have responded exactly opposite of that to the deaths of my babies.
As I've had a chance to calm down and think about those talks, I don't feel like a failure now. The problem is, it is really easy to talk about how "easy" it is to endure adversity until you are actually called to live through something awful. I applaud those who can smile and have faith and keep moving forward, but, I would suspect that that is not the norm. For most of us it tears us apart and causes us to react in ways we don't expect. Sometimes the emotions go too far in the wrong direction of bitterness and extreme anger like mine has and we need help finding our way back, but, that does not make us failures or bad people. I suspect that as we go through this refiners fire experiencing the emotions that we individually need to, that in the end we will be stronger and more faithful and I think that God knows and understands that and is not judging us but is patiently waiting for us to turn to him again for help. :`)
Some of the other talks were all about enduring adversity in our lives by counting our blessings and not getting angry or bitter or getting upset--just having faith and enduring. I came away feeling like I am a total failure. I have responded exactly opposite of that to the deaths of my babies.
As I've had a chance to calm down and think about those talks, I don't feel like a failure now. The problem is, it is really easy to talk about how "easy" it is to endure adversity until you are actually called to live through something awful. I applaud those who can smile and have faith and keep moving forward, but, I would suspect that that is not the norm. For most of us it tears us apart and causes us to react in ways we don't expect. Sometimes the emotions go too far in the wrong direction of bitterness and extreme anger like mine has and we need help finding our way back, but, that does not make us failures or bad people. I suspect that as we go through this refiners fire experiencing the emotions that we individually need to, that in the end we will be stronger and more faithful and I think that God knows and understands that and is not judging us but is patiently waiting for us to turn to him again for help. :`)
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
Janessa & Hope's New PinWheels
I love Hobby Lobby and their 30% off on Spring Items sale!!! Even though it is January and only 19 degrees outside it was fun to wander through all the spring items and pretend it was a warm spring day. They had all their big pinwheels on sale so I got new ones to replace Janessa and Hope's old broken ones from last year. I guess I just have to face the fact that every year I'm probably going to have to replace their big pinwheels because the hot, dry, weather during the summer here makes that type of plastic brittle and they only seem to last about 9 months--hey it's like going through a pregnancy and getting a new "baby pinwheel" each year. At least I have that I can look forward to. At first it was awful having to replace them each year, but, this time it was fun to pick out new colors and designs, it's almost like being able to buy new clothes for a child that grows older each year. Yes, I'm loosing it comparing having babies and children growing to pinwheels!!! It's at least a small something to help fill my empty arms and heart.
So here is Janessa and Hopes 2013 PinWheels!!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
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