Jason's EDD 7 years later

Remembering and Missing You

Jason Nephi

on your EDD--April 25th

Wishing you were here having a real 7th Birthday party.

Love you 4 Ever

<3 <3 <3 <3

Love, Mommy

My Last Bunny and Lamb Scene

This week I put up my last Bunny and Lamb scene.  I guess they are a lot of work to put together and I really don't know that they are helping anything and I'm tired, so I will keep this one up until the end of April and then I am done creating them.

This one I did a combination of Annie the musical and her theme of the sun will come out tomorrow and hang on because better days are ahead and then the Avengers Captain America to help everyone remember to Stay Smart, Stay Safe, and Stay Strong.

I put yellow everywhere in my yard and the inside of the heart has reflective pinwheels and lights to stand for all those who have lost their lives to this covid-19 virus and all the heroes.

A Reality Check

I had a reality check today reminding me about Jason's EDD coming up on April 25th. It just kind of took my breath away realizing had my miscarried rainbow son, Jason, lived he would have been turning 6 this Saturday. Instead I face another long and empty day of quarantine .

I guess it was a reminder that I am still empty handed and brokenhearted and still long to hold my little boy in my arms <3 :`(

6 Weeks of Stay Home Stay Safe Quarantine

We are on week 6 of Stay Home Stay Safe Quarantine.  It has been hard physically, mentally, and emotionally.  There are days I have to just leave the house and either just sit outside by myself for a  little bit or go for a drive in the car.  The biggest highlights of my week are going to pick up my groceries I order online and then on Fridays watching the garbage man come.  That seems really weird but the garbage men coming every week is one of the last normal things that has not changed or been taken away like everything else.  It is hard to not feel discouraged and depressed with how crazy the world is right now.  One of my biggest fears is that life will never go back to normal.  It physically hurts to see the death toll totals go up and up and up every day.  I think it is because I am very sensitive to things like that since Janessa died.  It physically and emotionally hurts to think about all those people who have to hear the news that their loved one has died and then try to move forward with their lives.  I just want to do something to remember all these people whose lives have been cut short.  I want to do something that trys to normalize our not normal life and I think that is why I came up with the idea to do a different scene on my front lawn each week using this big stuffed bunny and lamb I found in my junk room.  I can't begin to describe how much fun and healing it has been to come up with a story line and then to decorate outside.  My neighbors probably think I've completely lost it, but, honestly I have completely lost it, and this is my way of dealing with my insanity and my grief and just a way to cope with our not normal world. 

Two weeks ago I did Star Wars:

Last week I did the land of Bountiful with the Nephites seeing the resurrected Christ:

I even did a special change of that scene for Easter Day:

I even had a pair of ducks come and be sort of a live version of the scene as they walked and sat among the Easter Eggs:

Today I spent 2 hours changing it all up again to be a Frozen scene and the town of Arendelle with Elsa and Anna.  It was so calm and peaceful out there feeling the sun on my back and just being able to focus on that and not all the worries and stress from the pandemic. I love that I have been able to find ways to incorporate the pinwheels into the different scenes.  I have found great comfort and peace in creating these scenes and I hope others who walk by can feel that too.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter 

our Precious Angels in Heaven! 

Because of Jesus Christ I know I will be able to see you again and that is the beauty and Hope of Easter.

Love you and Miss you 

EVERY SINGLE DAY

<3 Janessa <3

<3 Hope <3

<3 Jason <3

<3 Rae Anne <3

and my hero, my beloved 

<3 Dad <3

It is a weird Easter this year.  Because of the world pandemic and the Stay Home, Stay Safe order I was unable to decorate my Dad or Janessa's grave for Easter.  And because my yard is still a mess from our construction last year, I do not have my remembrance garden together so I couldn't put up my Easter decorations for that either.  So I made a new decoration in my front yard.

I got a little stir crazy the Sunday before Easter and went up and quickly decorated Janessa's grave with just a few things for Easter.  I just couldn't bear to have her grave be empty for Easter--I haven't missed decorating it on Easter for the past 10 years.

The 10th Anniversary of Janessa's EDD

April 4th, 2010

It was a day I was counting down to.  It was Easter Sunday and General Conference.  It was a day I would never reach in my pregnancy.  Instead I had empty arms and it felt like every talk was about newborns and babies and it was a terrible day.

April 4th, 2020

It is a weird day and year 10 years later.  It is still General Conference, but, everyone is in home quarantine of social distancing because of Covid-19 Virus.  The library's, restaurants, church, temples, banks, schools are closed.  We have had a major earthquake a couple of weeks ago and still are having aftershocks from that.  Our yard is in shambles because of our construction last year that we didn't have time to fix last year.  On March 6th, 2010, my husband and I planted 2 blackberry bushes and 2 lilac bushes.  3 days later Janessa was still born and those plants were forgotten about, but, they somehow survived and are my plants that to me represent Janessa.  One of the lilac bushes got damaged in our construction last year but we are hoping it will survive.  This year in memory of my Dad and Janessa's 10th angel b-day we planted Arborvitae Trees and a new blackberry bush.  I'm excited to watch them grow.

Wishing for Normal Life to Return

It's hard to not feel overwhelmed each morning reading the news.

It's hard to even just get out of bed and face another day in stay home stay safe quarantine.

It's hard to go downstairs and look at what's left of my dwindling food/paper storage that we did not have a lot of to begin with because we didn't make it a priority to restock things after we had used items--how I wish I could change that now.

It is hard every week to plan meals and hope the grocery store will have the items plus get items for my Mom so she doesn't have to go out and then hope that whoever goes to get the groceries won't get the virus.

It is hard sending my 2 daughters to their jobs and hope they won't catch the virus.

It is hard to not be paranoid at odd sounds the house makes thinking it is another aftershock.

It is hard when you have a large family and you go out to take a walk in the neighborhood just to escape the house for a little bit and have some jerk yell at you for not following the social distancing rules??!!

I pray a lot more now because stress and fear seems to be a constant companion now. The biggest thing I feel is just to focus on today--get through today don't worry about tomorrow or next week--it is really hard to be feeling like this again, because it is dejavu of 10 years ago trying to cope with Janessa's death--I don't like feeling all of that again. I'm so grateful for the couple of friends who've sent me texts and emails to check on me and help me cope.

I'm also really missing my Dad right now. I want Him to be here taking care of my Mom. I want to hear his reassuring voice and counsel and advice that everything is going to be okay.

I just want the world to stop being so crazy and everything to just go back to normal, but, I've wished for that for the past 10 years :`(

April Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of April!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!