Blake & Bradyn PinWheels--Twin Angel Brothers

Blake's PinWheel

Bradyn's PinWheel

April 3rd

I don't know how to feel right now.  It has been almost 6 months since I got my positive pregnancy test.  I remember that day because it was April 3rd--it was suppose to be spring but it snowed.  I was thrilled to finally see a plus sign on the test.  I went outside to make snowhearts and I was overwhelmed by how beautiful it looked outside with the sun just starting to come up.  It is a day I will always remember because the next day was the 1st anniversary of Janessa's Due Date and I was so happy to have this new little secret to help me through that date--I thought it was a good sign.  I guess I was wrong.

I take that test out every so often just to look at it, because it is one of the very few things I have to remember Hope with.  It seems so unfair to have had such hope and joy 1 month and then have it literally ripped away from you the next month and replaced with more sorrow, more grief, more emptiness.

It is going to be a hard weekend.

Hugs,

:`(Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Pictures Taken April 3rd, 2011

Sunshine amidst the Clouds

I have to admit that reading about all the rainbow baby pregnancy announcements has been really hard the past couple of weeks.  I wish I was in your club--it is very hard being on the outside peering in.
I want you all to know that I am very happy for you!  I wish all of you a very boring and uneventful pregnancy with a healthy, alive, rainbow baby at the end and I mean that in the best of ways. :)  I am thinking of you and praying for you and your rainbow.  I had only a taste of carrying a rainbow and I know what happiness and also the scariness that this new adventure will bring you.  Enjoy each day you are given with your rainbow, talk to them every morning, allow yourself to love again even though it is scary and you don't want to be hurt again.  I will never regret doing that with Hope and the precious 10 weeks I was given with her.

To all of you who are like me and feel left behind and maybe excluded from the rainbow club for now, I want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you also.  I am hoping that the sun will shine for us again as we try to find peace amidst the broken pieces of our lives and that a rainbow is in your future and if not, that we might be able to find the healing we seek in other ways.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Not A Good Day Today :(

I feel as if I have been stabbed in the heart with a knife because of some comments made to me today.  I have been emotionally slapped in the face with a big reminder that I am NOT 8 months pregnant with Hope and I am empty physically and emotionally.

I feel awful because I was asked how many kids I have by an 8 year old who was looking at the pictures of my kids on my piano and when she counted 7 I just agreed because I didn't want to explain about Hope and why I have NO pictures of my 8th child.  One good thing is that same 8 year old saw my picture of Janessa and commented "What a cute baby!"  That made my day because hardly anyone says that about a stillborn baby--they're more horrified and thinking you're a freak for having pictures of your dead baby displayed on your piano.

I'm so tired of feeling like I am a freak!  I'm tired of being consumed by grief!  I want Janessa & Hope here with me NOT in Heaven--some days I really HATE my life!

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Angel Bears went Camping

For our final summer vacation Angel Bears went with us camping.

I am NOT a "camper", but, I have been so stressed out with real life that I agreed to go camping just so I could get away for a while.  I've discovered that no matter how far away I try to get from "real life" and no matter how much I pretend that I am a "normal" person my grief and sorrow always find me.

I don't like being outside with the bugs and sleeping on the ground in a tent.  I don't like doing my "mommy count" to make sure that all 6 kids are still around and never feeling satisfied with that number because in my heart I know there are 2 kids missing.  I don't like waking up at 1 a.m. and not being able to sleep so my mind begins to wander and I start remembering Janessa and Hope's pregnancy's and births.  I don't like tossing and turning as tears silently slip down my face as I hug my angel bears hoping somehow to drift off to sleep.

But, admist all the grief, sorrow, and just plain misery of camping, I am grateful I can still feel peace and joy.

Joy in having a glow in the dark fingernail party in the tent with my youngest girls!

Joy in hearing my teenagers in their own tent laughing and keeping each other up!



Joy in seeing a beautiful river with a waterfall!

Joy in seeing the clouds drift by and watching the trees sway in the wind!

Joy in seeing the millions of stars come out at night!

Joy in sitting around the fire roasting pink marshmellos and having a contest to create the best smore!

Joy in feeling my Angel Babies close even though they are in Heaven!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna  :`(

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Rain Serenity Arizola's PinWheel

We Remember Carter & Maxxton

Today is my Friend's angel baby, Carter's, angel date.  To those of you who have loss your babies after they were born due to SIDS or other complications, I just want to say how sorry I am that you have 2 very hard days (their birthdate and their angel date) that you have to endure.  I don't know if it is easier to have both those dates the same like Janessa and Hope's--either way it is still awful!

Carter we Remember you!

 

Almost 2 months ago another one of my Friends Angel Baby Maxxton went through his 1st Angel Date.  I wish I had been thinking and posted a special tribute to him then.  Carter and Maxxton were born 11 days apart, they became angels almost 2 months apart and they are buried close to each other at the cemetery and both of their mommies are friends so I think Carter would happily share this remembrance post with his angel friend Maxxton.

Maxxton we Remember you!

To my Friends I want you to know I'm thinking of both of you and praying for you today.  My life has been changed for the better because I know both of you and your sweet angel babies

Carter & Maxxton.

To all of my Mommy of Angels Friends if today is a hard day for you I wish you a small moment of peace.  I wish I could give you a hug in person.  Please know that your sweet angel babies will never be forgotten by me.  Just as each of their pinwheels twirl in the wind I have no doubt that their little spirits live on in Heaven waiting for us to be reunited with them.  Until that time, they can look down and see the pinwheels from Heaven and know we all love them and think about them.  Maybe, just maybe, some of that wind twirling the pinwheels is truly from Heaven as they blow their own pinwheel to tell us that they love us and think about us too!  <3

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)

Janessa & Hope's PinWheel Garden Remembers 9/11

This week I did my 69th pinwheel--I'm still in the process of getting Rain's Pinwheel pictures posted.  I wanted a way to show respect and remembrance for 9/11 so I added these flags to Janessa and Hope's PinWheel garden for this week.

Hugs,

:`(  Shauna  :`(

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Angel Sisters Hope Joi & Alexis Antonette

Hope Joi

Alexis Antonette

Angel Sisters



Janessa's 18 Month Angel Birthday

I had such mixed emotions on Janessa's 18 month Angel Birthday.  I was happy to be taking balloons and flowers to her grave to honor and remember her, but, I was also really angry, depressed, and sad that I was taking them to her grave instead of having her as a little 18 month old running around and driving me crazy.  I would much rather have that than a visit to the cemetery.  It's like I don't know how to feel anymore.  I have completely opposite emotions at the same time and sometimes it just causes confusion in me.

Hugs,

:`(  Shauna  :`(

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Remembering 9/11--10 years Later

Ten years ago I only had 4 kids, we had just moved into a new house, and I had just sent my two older kids to school when my husband called to tell me to turn on the news.  I was horrified to watch the terrorist attacks happening live.  I think a little of my innocent "that can never happen in the U.S." mentality fell apart that day.  I began to realize that bad things do happen.  I felt really bad for all those people who died and their families--I just didn't realize then that 9 years later I would understand what it was like to loose an immediate family member.  I can empathize with them now because a lot of them didn't get that last chance to say the goodbye that they really wanted to, a lot of them didn't get the chance to see their loved ones in a coffin so they could find closure, and a lot of them 10 years later are probably still hurting inside and this day is a very hard day for them to get through.  I hope people have helped them cope with their loss and that they don't expect them to ever "get over" that loss. 

9/11 is a day to stop and think and ponder what Kindness really means.  It's a day to forget about ourselves for awhile and remember ordinary people who were heros just because of small acts of kindness that they did for others.  It is a day to remember all the victims and their families in our prayers.  It is a day to reach out to others and do something kind even if it is only to smile at a stranger.  I have created a pinwheel in remembrance of all those who lost their lives on 9/11, to honor their families, friends and loved ones they left behind, and to all those who survived 9/11.  You will forever live on in my heart and in my Angel Babies Pinwheel Garden.

To the victims and their families and the survivors of 9/11  we wish you peace on this day of horror for you--we will never forget you. 

Light a candle tonight in rememberance.

Hugs,

:`(  Shauna  :`(

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

A Magic Wish--Sept. 9th

Just dreaming today, but, if I found a magic lamp that had a Genie inside that would grant me 1 magic wish, well of course I would first wish that Janessa wouldn't have died, but if that wasn't possible, then I would wish to relive the day she died, March 9th, 2010, knowing now what I would do differently.  Why relive such a horrible day?  Because there are things I want to do differently because on that day I was in shock and couldn't think straight. 

First, I would tell the labor and delivery nurses and hospital social worker to not talk to me about filling out papers about mortuaries and cemeteries or cremation and autopsies while I was being induced for labor and while I was in labor.  My life had already taken a turn for the worse by that time and I didn't need the added stress of all of that--I needed time to process what was happening.  It was okay for the grief counselor to come in and hug me and explain how this delivery was going to be different and prepare me for how Janessa would look different than an alive newborn, but, that was all I needed to be told at that point.

Second, instead of my husband and I staring at the clock hour after hour for 8 very long hours in silence with only the occasional pop in of a nurse or my doctor to check on me and the annoying social worker asking if we had filled out the paper work yet--(WHAT A MONSTER!)--I would have found all these peaceful and calm and comforting grief songs like Still, Precious Child, Every Single Tear, Sometimes He Calms the Storm, I will carry you, After the Rain, Where Joy and Sorrow Met, With Hope, Tender Mercies, etc., I would have filled that room with the sounds of that music.  I especially would have wanted that music playing when Janessa was born, so it wouldn't have been so silent and empty where there should have been a newborns cry.  I would have my obgyn cuddle and hold my newborn like she was alive, like my nurse Shelly did, and have him tell me how beautiful she was instead of plopping her on my tummy and then go on to list all the things that were wrong with her.  I hate that the first memories I have of Janessa are my obgyn's words listing all the physical defects of her because she was stillborn!

Third, I would have listened to my last labor and delivery nurse, Shelly--who was an Angel on Earth!--who encouraged us to take pictures.  She actually grabbed our camera and took some pictures for us because we didn't know what to do.  I am so glad she had us take pictures of Janessa in the scale when she was weighing her and measuring her, but, we only took 7 pictures.  7 pictures on our camera to represent Janessa's whole life!  We didn't realize then how much those pictures would mean to us now.  I would take millions of pictures if I could relive that day!  Lucky for us, the nurses called now I lay me down to sleep and had a photographer come and take about 20 pictures and Shelly took Janessa after she bathed her and put tons of baby lotion all over her and took 15 more pictures with a hospital digital camera they had.  Thank goodness for loving labor and delivery nurses!

Fourth, I wouldn't have given in to the pressures that they needed to do the hand and foot molds right then after we had only had Janessa with us for 2 hours.  They didn't bring her back for 4 hours!  Our time with her was much more important than the hospitals so called timeline.  I would have kept Janessa with me for at least 12 hours instead of the mere 5 hours we had her total.

Fifth, I would have had someone bring up the what was suppose to be her blessing dress but ended up being burial dress so I could have put her in it at the hospital and held her in it and taken pictures of her in it because that dress gave me hope every time something went wrong during my pregnancy where I would tell myself that it will all be worth it when I get to see her in this dress.  I never got to see her in that dress.

Sixth, I would have asked for a rocking chair be brought to my room so I could rock my baby for the first and last time. I would hold her close and sing lullabies to her.  I also would have asked for the stupid iv line to be removed earlier so I could hold my baby without that getting in the way and so I could have got up and walked around with her.

Seventh, I would have asked for a hospital bassinet be put in my room so I could have put her in it like a normal mother of a newborn gets to. 

Eighth, I would have told that hospital social worker to take her stupid paperwork that she kept coming in demanding about every 2 hours to go jump off the nearest cliff--of course I wouldn't use words that were that nice to tell her where to go, but, I figure I better at least try to use nice words on this blog.  Honestly, this woman put so much stress on us the first 8 hours after Janessa was born that it was unbelievable!  We needed time to grieve over our precious baby and what had happened, we didn't want to face finding a cemetery and mortuary right then.  We really needed someone to come in and let us talk and help us cope and help us talk about our options and help us plan the burial of our baby not make us do it all alone and demand it be done immediately!

Ninth, I would have clipped some of Janessa's beautiful reddish blond hair to save in her memory box. 

Tenth, I would have unwrapped her  from her blanket one last time and tried to memorize every inch of her from her cute little toes to her beautiful face and curly red hair.  I would have rocked her 1 last time and hugged her and kissed her and said goodbye the way I was planning on doing at the mortuary but, never got the chance to.

Okay so that was March 9th and what I would have done differently, but, if I could relive the week of her birth the 9th-15th at her graveside service this is what I would do differently:

I would have asked to be discharged at night when no other new mommies were being discharged so I didn't have to walk out empty-handed from that hospital while all these other happy new mommies and daddies are lovingly getting into their cars with their precious newborns snuggled safely into their infant carriers.

I would definitely make sure that we got to see Janessa and hold her at the mortuary and we were the ones to place her in her coffin.  I will always regret my fear and choosing not to do this and letting the mortician do it instead.  I have had a difficult time finding closure because I never saw her in the coffin.

I would have the hospital wait at least 2 months to send the bills instead of 2 weeks afterwards and I would have them bill me for a Newborn Delivery not "Laboratory Procedures" like they did.  I had a BABY not a mass of cells for their laboratory experiments!!!!!!!  I would definitely have the stupid doctor who came in to confirm that the ultrasound showed Janessa had passed away be a lot more comforting and caring and for him to realize that this was a loved and wanted baby and that he could have written off his $50 bill that he sent the next week that was for coming in for less than a minute to tell us our baby was dead!

At the cemetery, I would have asked other people to help carry Janessa's coffin to the grave instead of my husband carrying it all by himself.  If this is a fantasy dream I would definitely had the busy road in front of the cemetery closed down for the 1 hour we were there so it would have been more peaceful and calm.  After the graveside service, I would have had pink balloons for everyone who was there to release into the sky. And I would have had a huge double rainbow appear just as we are releasing the balloons.

If only I could have this magic wish to relive that day, March 9th, 2010!

I Love you Janessa--I Miss you so much--
Happy 18 Month Angel Birthday!

Love, Mommy

(P.S. It would mean the world to me if you would do something today to remember Janessa--say her name outloud, write her name, light a candle for her, do an act of kindness in rememberance of her, etc.--Thanks! :)

Neon, Glow in the Dark Fingernails--Sept. 7th

I was out shopping the other day and found some neon pink and neon yellow glow in the dark fingernail polish.  It is totally tacky and I should be really embarrassed to wear it, but I LOVE IT!  It gives me a way to express my grief in a different way than my black fingernail polish and it totally matches my neon pink and yellow shoelaces.  Of course my teenagers groan in embarrasment, again, oh the joys of having teenagers!!

So now I can represent Janessa with the Pink and Hope with the yellow and it actually does glow in the dark--it is AWESOME!!

Happy 4 Month Angel Birthday

Hope Abigail!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)