Love You Dad

I have such wonderful and terrible memories of this day and time.  During the morning and afternoon I remember the sweet peace I felt as I sat by your bedside and as I made the big giant heart right outside your window.  I felt the presence of loved ones from Heaven in your room with you.  I felt my own angel daughter Janessa there with you and there with me helping to comfort me as your time came nearer to leave us.  

In the evening the memories become terrible remembering your gargled breathing that was so upsetting.  But even then you were still listening and waiting for everyone to leave and for it just to be me you and Roland there.  You listened as we read to you from President Uctdorfs book.  You said your last goodbye and breathed your last breath as we read the final page in his book "the day will come when you turn the final pages of your own glorious story, there you will read and experience the fulfillment of those blessed and wonderful words:  And they lived happily ever after."  We looked up and you were gone.

Then is the terrible memories of trying to check for a heartbeat and breathing and having to tell Mom and Valerie.  Of having to have the hospice dr come in and the mortuary people carry you away.  Of having to say goodbye for the very last time and feeling so overwhelmingly sad and lost, empty, and so alone.  It has been a hard year and today has been a hard day remembering, I will be so glad for this day to end and be over with.

Dear Dad on the 1st anniversary of your death

Dear Dad,

I can’t believe it has been a year since you died.   I’ve seen you in dreams and felt your influence as I have struggled and I’ve felt your presence at the house with Mom.  I am grateful you are still watching over Mom, Pam, Valerie and I and all your grandchildren and great grandchildren.  We all miss you!  We wish you were still here alive and healthy like you were before the stroke.  We miss your smile and laugh and sense of humor.  We miss your guidance, and counsel, and example of faith, and your Fathers blessings.  Some things will never be the same.  We are grateful for the extra year we got with you and that you are now happy in heaven and not suffering in your stroke body anymore.  The house is so empty and lonely without you there.  Some days it is hard to take steps forward because we feel so sad.  We find courage and faith and peace in knowing that one day we will see you again—I can’t wait for that day!

Until then I will forever love you and remember you and miss you in my heart as I honor you through my actions of following your example and teachings of loving and helping others and trusting that God’s plan is always better even though we may not understand it.

Love you forever,

Your little middle princess—Shauna

2 Years Ago

This picture popped up in my memory feed on facebook.  Oh my gosh I hate this memory! I hate it even more because 8 days later from this memory my Dad had his stroke and my life was forever changed--AGAIN!! I've been so wrapped up in memories of my Dad from last year that I totally forgot about going to see that movie while I was pregnant with Janessa. I totally forgot that in 2 months, 60 Days it will be yet another angel birthday for her. I don't know if that is good or bad that I forgot.

Today was spent taking my Mom to the bank and getting my Dad's name removed from their bank account. Stab in the heart as I saw that death certificate again. Then I ran her around to get things and helped her at the house. I thought the house wouldn't feel so empty and sad now that she is back in it, but, it still feels very empty and around every corner there are little memories that flash back to me of my Dad.

Today I miss him so much. I needed my Dad today to talk to him and get his advice. Even after his stroke he would still listen to me and although he couldn't share anything with me with his voice, he would sympathize with me with his eyes and his body language of shaking his head or patting me on the shoulder. I would take anything right now. I hate that even my Dad is gone and I no longer have my buddy to talk politics with or get advise and sympathy from. 

This is the part of grief that really, really, SUCKS!!!!!!      :`(

Angel Names in the Sand

I was pleasantly surprised this morning to open up my email and find beautiful pictures of Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne's names written on the beach by fellow baby loss Mom, Felicia, who is Mommy to 2 precious angel babies <3 Jacob Kealoha-Lopez <3 and <3 Joseph Alika Lopez <3

I have been so wrapped up in my own grief of loosing my Dad last year that I really haven't done anything for my own angel babies to write their names for any of the holidays so this really meant a lot to me. It reminded me of 8 years ago when I was desperately seeking healing and peace after Janessa died and I stumbled upon the blog Names on the Sidewalk where fellow babyloss Mommy Tiffany wrote Janessa's name in chalk. The feeling I had of having someone else write her name and recognize her as a person was indescribable!

Felicia is writing angel baby names in the sand for free--check out her blog for more information: http://kauainamesinthesand.blogspot.com

January Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of January!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!