The PinWheel 6 for Janessa's Angel Birthday

Moved the pinwheels outside today to form a number 6 for Janessa's Angel B-day. The cool thing about 6 is that upside down it is a 9 for her birth date the 9th and how many months I carried her.

Is always kind of a sad/happy day to move the pinwheels outside again. Happy to see them moving and spinning in the wind and happy to have some way to remember Janessa's angel b-day, but, sad because it reminds me of her 1st angel birthday and putting 12 pinwheels outside and feeling so lost and empty.

I just want my little 6 year old here to be running around and laughing and playing in the pinwheels. When I see the middle circle in the 6 it is almost comforting. I feel as if I have made an "angel circle" for the angel children to come and play in and a grieving circle for me to go and sit in and remember her and feel close to her--like getting a Hug from Heaven <3

Leap Day February 29th

Today I am grateful for leap day! I am grateful for 1 more day before awful March begins. I am grateful that as of today the repeat of days of the week of 2010 comes to an end!!

February has been really hard for me I'm glad to see it end. As I sit here looking at the calendar for March I wonder how this month could be here again so soon. I hate the month of March. I hate that my first loss baby, Janessa, was stolen from me this month. I hate that my 4th and last loss baby Rae Anne was stolen from me at the end of this month. This month represents the end of dreams and hopes for me. The tears fall easily now as I struggle to live in the every day world of here and now while trying to balance the world of yesterday and grief. It is hard work.

But, just for today I will be grateful for today, the 29th, that did not exist in 2010 and has no trigger memories for me. It is a day to catch my breath and prepare for the next 9 days as I again for the 6th time step forward into March.

UnFriendship Day

Today is my day of black to represent the deep hurt that occurred this day 5 years ago from some very unkind words written to me from someone who has never walked in my shoes.  Today I grieve for friendships lost of people who I thought were true friends but chose to walk away and abandon me when I needed them the most because they couldn't handle my grief.  I grieve for all the insensitive things said to me, for all the actions of treating me like I was a leper with a horrible disease, and for all those who chose to say nothing and remained silent and pretended Janessa did not exist at all--these things all added to and made my grief much more worse than it needed to be.

Today with my black of despair, anger, and hurt, I also wear a bright glittery butterfly of HOPE.  Yes I was hurt and I was angry but, I now have knowledge as to who my true friends are and I cherish them even more.  I know what it is like to be treated like dirt and I know that I never want anyone else to ever feel like that so I try very hard to show love and care to other baby loss mommies.

So to those whose words and actions have hurt and stung me you may have caused me to stumble and left a scar on my heart, but, you have empowered me and made me stronger--you did NOT win because I choose HOPE and LOVE over hate and revenge.

Another Trigger Memory Day

I have hit yet another trigger memory day, today, Friday Feb. 26th.

6 years ago today I went to my last obgyn appt. with Janessa.

  

6 years ago today it was the last time I would ever walk into that office as a "normal, ordinary person".  

6 years ago today I heard Janessa's heartbeat for the 

last time.  

I rejoiced at that appt. because I found out she had switched from being in breech position to head down.  I was finally able to have good news at an appt.  I was excited because there was only 5 weeks left before her due date on April 4th.  I felt so confident after that appointment that I came home and ordered newborn diapers, formula bottles and nipples, a nursing cover blanket, and swaddle blankets all in anticipation of bringing home my beautiful newborn baby.  All of those items arrived the next week about 1 week before Janessa died.  The diapers and formula were all donated to another mommy whose baby was born alive a week after Janessa.  The blankets all sit downstairs in the baby dresser collecting 6 years worth of dust.

6 years ago I had no idea how much this day would haunt me.  I wish I could go back and hear her precious heartbeat 1 more time.  I wish I could go back and experience that "before grief" feeling of being pregnant with Janessa and being at the doctors office.  I wish I could just go back and enjoy my last 10 days with Janessa :`(

I Hate February 22nd

It isn't even 9 am yet and I am already a major emotional mess today.  I didn't want to get out of bed when that stupid alarm went off at 5 am—I just want to stay in bed all day today and just cry and pretend the real world doesn't exist.  The only thing that got me out of bed was knowing that I had a reeses peanut butter cup hidden in the freezer that I had saved for today because I knew it would be a hard day to get through.  Problem is when I went to get it, it was gone--someone in my family had already eaten it!!!  It is stupid to be angry and sad about a candy bar but I guess that was the only thing holding me together today.  

I hate Feb. 22^nd.  6 years ago on Monday Feb. 22^nd 2010 I woke up having major contractions every 30 minutes.  This lasted for about 5 hours.  I should have called the doctor to find out what was going on, but, when they stopped I figured it was just braxton hicks contractions.  I had a doctors apt. that Friday the 26^th and my Dr. figured that the 22^nd was when Janessa turned from being breech to head down so on the 26^th I celebrated that I wouldn’t have to have a c-section but could have a normal delivery.  Now we think the 22^nd is when Janessa got tangled in her cord and that from here on to March 7^th she was slowly dying.  After the 22^nd is when I noticed a decrease in her activity but didn’t say anything to my doctor.  Today marks the beginning of the end  of Janessa's life.  I know there isn’t anything I could have done to prevent this—I tell myself that over and over and over, but, as a mother that just isn’t acceptable all I see is that I failed to keep her safe.

I hate these last 2 weeks before her angel b-day.  I just can't even function today.  I can't deal with planning my menu for the next 2 weeks—I just stare at the empty days of the first 2 weeks of March that I don't want to happen and I don't want to cook meals on.    I'm struggling seeing the women holding their babies—it is such a reminder of what I didn't get.  I want my alive baby.  I don’t want a lifetime of grief instead and having to endure 2 weeks of torture every Feb/March for the rest of my life.

I wish I had a magic lamp and a magic wish because I would wish for a grieving island where all baby loss mommies could go when they get to the last 2 weeks before their angel babies b-day.  No husbands or other kids allowed.  No chores, no responsibilities, or to do lists just a bunch of women sitting together crying and hugging and talking and listening and understanding because we’re all walking the same path.  You could spend hours just sitting out on the beach staring at the waves.  There would be a freezer full of chocolate that you could get into anytime you wanted and it wouldn’t make you fat.  There would be a room where you could write out your frustrations on a plate and then throw it against the wall to take out all your anger and frustration and you don't have to worry about cleaning it up or people thinking your lacking faith because your angry and frustrated that your baby is dead.  When your angel babies b-day arrived all the women would gather together and write your babies name on  balloons and let them go and light candles and eat cake and you wouldn't feel like a freak for celebrating your angel babies b-day.  Then instead of having to endure 2 weeks of hell before your angel babies b-day you would get 2 weeks of Heaven away from normal stressful life to just remember and cherish your babies memory.

I can't do this again—but I will because I have survived these 2 weeks for the past 5 years and I can survive another year, I just don't want to.  I may have to send myself to time out for most of the day with the covers over my head hugging my Kleenex box but that is okay—maybe tomorrow I will be able to function a little better.

From Ashes to Beauty

Just got back from the Provo City Center Temple Open House. It was AMAZING!!! It was so beautiful inside that it took my breath away. There was a ton of people going through it today, but, it was still very reverent and quiet inside of the temple and it was so peaceful. Loved all the stain glass windows and spiral stairs. Going through that temple it was hard to believe that 6 years ago it was just blackened burned out walls almost entirely destroyed by fire and that has been rebuilt into something so beautiful.

It gives me so much hope that my broken and fragmented grief life can and will someday be as beautiful as this temple. I am so glad I got tickets for now because the next 2 1/2 weeks are my hardest leading up to Janessa's angel b-day and this has given me a chance to feel peace and calm and something to hang onto and hope for.

Most of the pictures are from a Deseret News newspaper article because you can't take pictures inside of the temple.

4 Little Memory Boxes

I was able to finish the last 2 angel memory boxes today. I really like how all 4 of them have turned out--each just a little bit different for each different and unique and precious angel baby.

It is still really hard to see them all laying there together on my bed <3  :`(

I am curious if you received an angel memory box when you were at the hospital and what kinds of items were inside it? Are there items you wish had been inside it?

I never received one but, was given a few individual items (1 knit pink blanket with booties and matching hat, a little flannel heart, an angel statue, little infant ring and infant bracelet that I didn't know was in the bag until I got home and a book on grief) that had been donated which I later put into my own memory box that I had bought.
Looking back now that it has been almost 6 years I would have loved to receive an angel box that had some sort of little stuffed teddy bear, 2 blankets that were exactly the same so I could have wrapped Janessa in one that she could have been buried with and then had an identical one that I would keep, some sort of battery candle that had butterflies on it, a little cloth baggie with a note to snip some of her hair to keep, some sort of necklace with the saying always in my heart, 2 matching headbands with a bow so I could have kept one and she would be buried with the other and the final thing I would have loved to have seen in that box was a Mommy and Me matching bracelets that would have kept me connected to her.

Each year as Janessa's Angel birthday approaches I always try to do some random act of kindness/service in memory of her.  These memory boxes are one of the projects I have chosen this year.

Memory Boxes in remembrance of Janessa

I've been working on making some memory boxes to donate to a local hospital. I've always wanted to make some of these in memory of my angel babies and to help comfort fellow baby loss mommies and daddies. I never realized how hard emotionally these would be on me to make. Just buying the plain boxes caused me to have anxiety attacks. I had to just toss them aside for a couple of days because every time I saw them I was instantly taken back to the hospital in 2010 and relived Janessa's death over and over and then leaving the hospital empty-handed with just a bag of a few items that had been donated to us. That's what I don't get--we were never given a memory box so these boxes really shouldn't cause such triggers in me.
I created the little angel boy memory box a couple of days ago and it was hard, but, I managed to get through it. Today I tried to create the little angel girl memory box and I had to keep walking away from it because this one had Janessa written all over it. It is a box that I would have loved to have put those precious little clothes and blanket and stitched heart and angel statue that we received (I bought my own box after I got home from the hospital). 
I like how both the boxes turned out, but, I hate what they represent. It breaks my heart that some woman will happily go into labor and delivery fully expecting to take her precious newborn baby home, but, instead receive a memory box because her baby died. No one should ever have to take home a memory box instead of their baby. I look at these boxes and I shudder to think of the grief journey that will just be beginning for these women--all that pain--it is almost unbearable those first couple of years and continues to be hard--I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
These memory boxes are good things and become precious treasures and a way to reconnect to your angel baby. I hope that these women will somehow be able to feel the love that I put into making these boxes and that every time they see these boxes they will feel that love surround them and help them know that they are not alone and someone cares.
I just wish that there wasn't a need for these boxes at all and that these boxes would never get used. I am in awe at those of you who put these together. I am still trying to convince myself to make 2 more so I can donate 4 in memory of my 4 angel babies, but, this is so emotionally hard on me that I'm not sure I will ever be able to make these again. I think I will stick with donating money to those of you who make these boxes and just donating my miscarriage bags of Hope instead.

Happy Valentines Day to All Angel Babies

Happy Valentines Day

to ALL Angel Babies/Children

<3 <3 <3

You Are Love, Missed, and Remembered

ALWAYS!

<3 <3 <3

Went and sprinkled a little heart confetti under the angel tree in remembrance of all of our angel babies who we are missing this Valentines Day.

:`(

((HUGS))

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day

My Little Angels

Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne!

<3 You Are Loved <3

<3 You Are Missed <3

<3 You Are Always in My Heart <3