Remember Jason on his 3rd EDD Anniversary

Missing you today Jason on your 3rd EDD.

It is hard measuring could a beens and should a beens with what really is.  I will never fully be complete until I am reunited with you and your sisters.  Watch over us and help us through each day.

You are Loved, Remembered, and Missed.

Wish You Were Here <3

Love, Mommy

April 19--Another Ordinary 19th

So much for our "2 months" before our anniversary special dinner and activity today. Had great intentions when we started this monthly celebration on the 19th but, life has really prevented us from continuing them. Spent it at ortho appt., rehab center, and fixing my parents house. Guess we'll have to count our Easter Dinner as the special dinner and the family activity to temple square earlier in the month as our activity.

My Mom finished the anniversary quilt that she had started for us before my Dad's stroke and gave it to us today as a before 25th anniversary gift so that was pretty neat and I will cherish this quilt because me and some of my girls worked on it to help my Mom and it was one of the last things my Dad was helping my Mom with before his stroke.

Melt Down on Easter

It has been so crazy busy being a part-time care giver for my Dad and then trying to make changes to my Dad's house that we barely were able to sneak in time right before sunset the night before Easter to go decorate Janessa's grave.  It was hard for me to kind of just rush in and rush out.

Easter was not a great holiday for me this year.  I have been so overwhelmed and stressed out that sitting through Easter music and talks at church and then seeing all the families with all their little kids dressed in new matching Easter outfits was really triggering and upsetting for me.  Having people ask me how I am and me knowing that they really didn't care and they would not want to hear the truth because it would overwhelm them or make them think what a bad Christian I am because I'm stressed out and struggling instead of being all brave and strong and happy and having to lie and fake smile while saying I'm fine was more than I could take.  It was all so dang fake--nobody really cares.  I wanted to throw up after having to answer like that more than 5 times.  I just wanted to scream "My Life Sucks!!!"

I came home and cried and cried and cried.  I missed Janessa.  Instead of Easter being a comfort it was just a big reminder that she was gone and it was still a long, long, time before I would ever get to see her again.  I also felt like such a failure at everything in my life especially as a mother.

So, no, Easter wasn't very good this year.

EASTER MORNING SUNRISE

Happy Easter 2016

Happy Easter

Janessa, Hope, Jason, & Rae Anne

& ALL their Angel Friends!

We LOVE You!!

We can't wait to see you again!

<3 <3 <3 <3

April 4th--7 years

April 4, 2010

4/04/10

7 years I have dreaded this day as much as March 9th.  In 2010 it was a day I was counting down to, a day to look forward to, a day of hope and celebration because it was Easter Sunday and General Conference and Janessa's due date, then it became a dreaded day to endure.

I never really know how to feel on this day.

Empty

Sad

Disappointed

Heartbroken

Alone

Love you Janessa--

wish this was a different day for both of us.

Girls Night Out

Had a girls night out party with 4 of my daughters tonight. My Mom wanted to sew Roland and I a quilt for our 25th anniversary this year, so the last thing my Mom and Dad did the day of his stroke was start to put this quilt material out. I remember that day of the stroke, my Mom calling and asking me a question about the quilt and hearing my Dad asking her questions to ask me while she was on the phone. That was the last time I heard my Dad speak in his normal voice. My older sister helped my Mom put the material on a frame and then she and her daughter began to start tying it when they have come down to help with Dad. My Mom has been so concerned because she hasn't been able to do anything on the quilt because she is so tired each night when she comes home from spending a whole day at the rehab with my Dad. So for our girls night out party we went over to their house and tied this quilt while we laughed and talked and watched movies. It was really calming and healing for me to tie that quilt. We took a break for a little bit so I could go get my Mom from the rehab center and have her join our party and also to have yummy brownies and ice cream. My Mom enjoyed being able to come home to our party and tying the quilt with us. She got to tie the last square. She told me she feels bad that I had to work on my own anniversary present, but, I'm glad I got to work on it because it was a lot of fun tying it with my daughters and my Mom. That quilt will mean a lot to me because of the memories I have associated with it. :)

What the quilt looked like before we got started.

Almost Done!!!

My Mom tying the last square!!!!

It's finally Finished--5 hours later!!!