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| Janessa |
HELLO AND GOODBYEMarch is now a month of remembrance in our family. A tragic event has led to many acts of kindness towards our family. Our beautiful baby, Janessa, who was to be born Easter Sunday, April 4th, 2010, quietly passed away a month early before she took her 1st breath.
We had been doing a countdown and once I got to 36 weeks, only 4 more weeks to go, our whole family was excited to welcome a new baby. Shock is the only way to describe our feelings when we were told our baby had passed away after a quick ultrasound to find out why I wasn't feeling any movement. We felt like our whole world had caved in on us. All our hopes, dreams, and plans were instantly ripped away. There is a saying that behind the clouds the sun is still shinning. Even in our darkest hour the sun rays of kindness began to poke through in the most simple of acts, such as a nurse who let us take the whole Kleenex box, another nurse who met us at the door and hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder, and our obgyn who cried with us and offered us empathy, compassion and support.
As I sat in labor and delivery just staring at the empty walls and watching the clock tick slowly by and the rain fall heavily outside the window, I felt very empty inside. As I watched the rain fall I felt like the heavens were weeping with us. At sunset, we saw a beautiful double rainbow outside the window. We felt this was a gift of kindness from Heavenly Father telling us he loved us and that everything would be okay.
After Janessa was born, I wept not with the joy of the miracle of life like I had with my other babies, but with sorrow for a life that would never begin.
Our labor and delivery nurses at the Hospital were amazing! They stood by us, comforted us, and educated us on a delivery that was not what we had hoped for. My last labor and delivery nurse, Shelly, was an earthly angel helping me to cope. She treated Janessa with such care and love. We experienced the kindness of strangers who had donated books, pamphlets, blankets, baby clothes, and a beautiful angel figurine to help us cope with our loss.
Like the bright rays of a sunrise penetrating the dark night, there were many acts of kindness and tender mercies that have helped to restore our hope again.
I will never "get over" the death of my precious angel, Janessa, but, I will learn to live with and accept her death and add it to the fabric of my life. I can already feel the strength and changes her death has brought into my life. I have HOPE and JOY because I know that I am a Child of God and that I can trust His plan for my life even though I don't understand it at times, and I know that I will see my precious Janessa again.
So yes, I said hello and goodbye at my daughter's birth, but I look forward to the day when I will say hello and never goodbye again.
