JULY Angel Baby Birthdays

HAPPY ANGEL BIRTHDAY

Jeremiah 7/13

Bradyn 7/21

Amelia Grace 7/28



Happy/Sad PinWheels

We are finally back from our vacation and I am happy/sad.  I'm glad we got to go on this vacation and it was fun to get away from the all the stress of "real life", but, I was definitely ready to come home.  It was sad to pull up in the driveway and see Janessa & Hopes pinwheel garden empty.  I pulled them all inside before we left just in case we got a strong wind while we were gone.  It made me happy again to put them all outside again.

I'm not sure about my plan of putting a little pinwheel out every week for how many weeks I would be pregnant with Hope.  It is almost really overwhelming going out and placing another little pinwheel--17 now.  I almost hate seeing all those little pinwheels.  It makes me really sad to realize that they represent weeks that I will never get with my baby. 

I was upset on vacation for a little bit because I realized that I would have been 4 months pregnant, almost half way through.  There were prolife signs along one of the roads we traveled in Wyoming showing a Mom with a newborn and a baby inside his mommy.  These made me really sad too.  I got caught up watching a show at one of the places we stayed at I think called I didn't know I was pregnant.  I shouldn't have watched it but I couldn't help it watching their reinactments of these newborns being born.  I guess I just wanted to see what an alive newborn was like again since my last 2 pregnancies have ended in tragedy.  It just made me miss my babies even more.

I was happy seeing Wyomings huge PinWheels!!!  Okay, I know the are just windmills, but, it brought me a lot of joy seeing them, because they reminded me of Janessa & Hopes PinWheel garden.

I'm going to write about my vacation in different posts, otherwise I would have a really l   o   n   g  post.

Hugs,

:`)  Shauna :`{

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)

Greetings From South Dakota!

We have finally made it to South Dakota today!  It has been really fun traveling through Wyoming the past couple of days seeing different sights.  I have mixed feelings about this vacation.  It is fun being together, but, I can't stop thinking about how I should have a 15 month old and I should be 4 months pregnant now.  I've had a hard time at the different hotels seeing the families with toddlers and babies.  I have my 2 angel bears that I put in a small backpack and carry with me to all these sights and I do get them out and take pictures of them in front of these different places that I will share later when we get home on this blog, but, it isn't helping as much with my grief as I had hoped.  In fact today I felt embarrassed because I got caught by total strangers as I was taking pictures of the bears and they made stupid comments about my bears.  I hurridly shoved them back into my backpack and didn't take them out again. 

Do those strangers know that those 2 bears are for my 2 angels that aren't here and that I'm not just some crazy person taking pictures of stuff animals?  Do they know the anguish I feel when we take pictures of our family and our kids and realize the picture will never be complete?  Do they know that I cry on my vacation because I have to use angel bears to represent my two babies that I would rather have by me instead?  Do they know how my heart is breaking  when I got here to our rental home and opened up the closet to put my luggage away and see there is a pack'n'play crib that I should have to use but shove further back in the closet instead?  Do strangers know how hurtful their stupid comments are when they don't understand the whole picture?

I can't explain why I need to have those angel bears with me, but, I'm embarrassed now to have others see them.  Sometime I really hate this new journey my life is on and how even a happy, joyful, vacation can be turned into a stressful and sad thing.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Hugs,

:`(  Shauna :`{

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)

PAIL--You Are Not Alone

Angel Baby Emily Faith's mommy, Rachel, has started a blog called Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory   This is a wonderful project to bring together resources for all BLM's on one site.  When I loss Janessa last year one of the biggest things I felt was that I was all alone.  I felt like I was the only person whose baby had died and that there must have been something wrong with me because everyone else had their cute babies in their arms. 

I wish that those first 6 months of my grief that I had known about all the BLM (Baby Loss Mommy) blogs and resources out there and I would have known that although this grief journey was not one I wanted to be on, I was far from alone.  I have discovered a world of BLM's that I didn't know existed and I am grateful everyday for my new group of friends who understand exactly what this journey is like. 

I would like to encourage everyone who has a BLM blog to submit it to Rachels directory so that we can find and help each other.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR GRIEF!

Visit PAIL

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think

I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

to truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

but, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think

about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

  Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Packing

I'm packing for our family vacation.  I have mixed emotions about this vacation.  When I planned it I was planning around the fact that I thought I would be about 4 months pregnant.  It is hard to look at my  plans knowing a lot of the things I didn't think I would be able to do because of the pregnancy I now can do because there is nothing to prevent me.  I was looking forward to sharing this vacation with my little Hope, not leave her behind with Janessa. 

Even simple things like packing my clothes is ripping at my heart strings, because I had bought bigger clothes for this trip because I knew by now I would be showing and looking pregnant.  Instead of those clothes, I'm packing my regular, normal clothes that I shouldn't be and don't want to be fitting into. 

I went up to the cemetery to take Janessa some flowers and a pinwheel and of course it rained on me like usual.  I wanted to wish her a happy 15 month angel birthday and say goodbye while we are gone.  I know it seems strange to feel so sad and guilty for leaving her behind, but, I do and I feel heartbroken that Hope is not with me either.  I know they will watch over us from Heaven and of course I've packed 2 little angel bears so that I can feel like they are with us.

Like my birthday plans, these vacation plans are going to be different than what I was planning.  I hope that different will be okay this time too.

(Because of my vacation I won't be able to get to pinwheel requests until the end of June)

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Josiah's PinWheel

50 PinWheels!

On June 7th I placed my 50th pinwheel in Janessa & Hopes PinWheel Garden.  When I started this blog a little over 2 months ago, I never imagined I would have so many pinwheels around Janessa and Hopes big pinwheels.  When people ask me what all the pinwheels are for I happily reply those are all Janessa and Hope's Angel Friends.  It looks so amazing--I wish you could all see it for yourselves.

APRIL 2011--Before

June 2011--After

  

 

It is so significant to me that I placed this 50th pinwheel on the 1 month "hard" anniversary of  losing Hope.  I still struggle a lot with my grief, frustration, and emotions over losing her and today I am feeling sad because Janessa would have turned 15 months old.  I am so grateful for the opportunity I get to remember other's angel babies through these pinwheels, because it brings me such healing and peace.

I feel as if I am standing at a crossroads right now one path leads to choosing bitterness, despair and pain in my grieving and trying to find ways to escape this grief journey and not accept God's plan for my life. The other path leads to peace, gratitude, acceptance of God's plan and courage to move forward along a different path than what I had planned and yes, still pain from the grief journey.  I find myself traveling a little each way on the different paths for a moment and then returning back to the crossroads.  I know which way I should choose, but, I guess I'm not completely ready for acceptance yet.  I hope someday my courage will return and I can confidently choose the path to be better and not bitter, until then I have all of these angel pinwheels to encouragingly whisper softly to me as the wind blows, "choose joy and hope". 

Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Lilly Elizabeth's PinWheel

http://ourmiraclelillyelizabeth.blogspot.com/

Calder Max's PinWheel

Daniel's PinWheel

Remembering My Angel Babies through Acts of Kindness

It is amazing the different ways that we find to help us cope with our grief and to survive each day and each unwanted "anniversary".  I literally dreaded the 9th-15th of each month last year because I relived each horrible day of Janessa's passing.  I also cried for my baby that was 3, 4, 5, 6, etc., months old and what she should be doing and saying and all that I was missing out on.  One of the ways I found hope was through placing a monthly pinwheel out to represent how many months she had been in heaven.  Another thing I started doing around my birthday last year was Monthly Random Acts of Kindness.

Last year on my birthday and every month on the 9th-15th I longed for people to remember me and Janessa and acknowledge that she existed.  I learned very quickly that most people express sympathy in the beginning and then after a month they move on with their lives and expect you to move on also and you are literally forgotten.  I knew I had a choice to make, I could sit at home and be angry and depressed that no one remembered or cared anymore, or I could put into action the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  So on my birthday last year I picked about 10 people who I thought could use a little pick me up treat and bought bags of hershey kisses and hugs that I put in a smiley face bag attached with a ribbon and card that just said "Just wanted you to know your being thought of today."  It brought me such joy on my birthday last year that I decided every month on my "hard, unwanted anniversary days" that I would pick a couple of people to do acts of kindness for.  Some months I did the smiley face candy bags, other months I would send a card or an email.  It was an incredible feeling to reach out to others in my grief and it helped me to focus on some of the good things that happened and good people that were placed on my grief journey to help me instead of all the "bad and sad" memories.

As I approach a "hard memory" date of 1 month since my miscarriage next week on the 7th, I wanted to do something similar for my Angel Baby Hope in remembrance of her.  My grief for her is different than it was for Janessa.  For Hope I grieve for all the lost weeks of pregnancy that I will never get.  So, I have bought mini pinwheels for each week that I would have been in my pregnancy that I will place around a memorial garden I have for Hope, so that when I reach what would have been my due date on Dec. 3 there will be 40 mini pinwheels.  I also want to do Random Acts of Kindness in remembrance of her, so, on my other blog, http://kindnessitmatters.blogspot.com/, I am starting "My Weekly Kindness Challenge".  Every Monday I will list the Kindness Challenge on my blog and I want to encourage everyone to try and participate by trying to accomplish it by the next Monday.  Feel free to leave comments on what you did, because I would love to hear about it.  This again will last for 40 weeks, in honor of my loss pregnancy weeks that I will never get with Hope.

I'm really excited about this, because the 40th week of the Kindness Challenge will be the week of Janessa's 2nd Angel Birthday.  On that same day I will start the 10 week Kindness Challenge  in honor of the 10 precious weeks I carried Hope and that will end on her 1st Angel B-day.

I'm going to be starting  my Weekly Kindness Challenge next Monday June 6th in honor and remembrance of my Precious Angel, Hope Abigail, who I miscarried on May 7th.  If you would like to participate, or just follow what happens, visit my other blog:

http://kindnessitmatters.blogspot.com/

Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Numbers

Okay, I'm feeling really down today so I guess I need to ramble for a minute.  I'm finding that numbers sometimes either remind me of happy things or bring me to tears.  Take today for instance, June 1, as I was searching for a reason why I feel down and looked at the calendar, I realized that May 1 was the last really good, happy, day I had been pregnant because the next day was when I started spotting and went into the doctor where I was told that I might be miscarrying and that began a week of horror for me.  So the 2nd is not a good number for me now--it represents sadness and 2 angel babies I can't hold. 

My age last year 39 actually represents a good thing to me because it was a reminder of Janessa's birthday 3/9.  Also, my age this year 40 reminds me of Hope because pregnancies usually last 40 weeks.

The number 9 use to be a sad number because I relived Janessa's death every month on the 9th.  Now I like the 9th because it reminds me of my Angel Baby, who I carried for 9 precious months or 36 weeks 3+6=9 and that she made 9 people in our family.

I like the number 10 too, because it reminds me of the 10 precious weeks I got with Hope and also that she made 10 people in our family.

I'm not sure about the number 7.  Right now it reminds me of sadness and grief and of the 7 months I won't get to carry Hope, but it also reminds me that she was my 7th daughter.

I just really hope I can make it through the next 7 days and that it won't be as horrible as last month.  Today is a good day to climb back in bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep and cry until it is the 9th or 10th again.

Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)