Happy 6th Angel Birthday
River Daniel!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Monday, April 27, 2015
A Ladybug Hug from Heaven
Got a little "hug from Heaven" this morning driving back from the grocery store. A tiny little lady bug landed on my windshield and clung there all the way to my house. When I got home I gathered it into my hands (lady bugs are the only bug I will ever touch or hold all other bugs are YUCK!) and took it out and released it into my flower bed. Ladybugs are my symbol for my angel baby Hope Abigail. It was a neat day for this to happen on because today is the 10 days before Hope's angel birthday when I wear yellow in remembrance of the 10 weeks we got together. <3
Quinton Edward and Owen Scott's Angel Birthdays April 27th
Happy 3rd Angel Birthdays
Quinton Edward & Owen Scott!
<3 <3 <3
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Sadappy
This post today from Silent Grief really hit home today. I feel happy for my angel babies and I know they are in Heaven and that I will see them again, but, the human side of me screams in pain and sadness and wants them back with me.
Yesterday was hard--I kept wandering around wondering and imagining what it would have felt like to be celebrating Jason's first birthday. I longed to be making a 1st birthday teddy bear cake and watching him unwrap his first scoot car--something we have given all of our children on their first birthdays. Instead we ate the foods I craved while I was pregnant with him--meatloaf, potato chips, blue jello salad and orange juice--and watched Planes 2 in remembrance of him.
This Tuesday begins the 10 days before Hope Abigail,s 4th Angel Birthday--can't believe we are at another angel birthday. I'm finding that all mothers day ads are really bothering me this year--I hate seeing them or hearing them because they all remind me of 2011 when my 1st hoped for rainbow baby slipped away from me on what became my worst mothers day ever. In the baby loss world they have their very own mothers day the 1st week in May--but I don't participate in that either. May is a very hard month for me reliving my 1st miscarriage and all the events of that mothers day and feeling like such a failure with my angel babies and my living children and then it is my birthday that month too and that is again another reminder that I am way past the age to ever have another rainbow baby. I really don't need 2 holidays to remind me of my failures--I choose to ignore mothers day and take the day off from everything and spend it in bed sleeping, crying and eating my chocolate.
"Our brains tell us that our child is now in heaven and is living an eternity free from any pain, sadness, or sorrow. Our emotions tell us only one thing: we want our child to be right here with us so that we can walk together, talk together, and spend our time on this earth together. There is a constant tug of war when child loss occurs. Yes, we understand the passage from life to death and then to a heavenly place, but........because our heart aches so much the human side of us struggles every moment of every day wanting our child to be right here beside us! It so very hard to find peace amid the brokenness of child loss! " by Silent Grief
Yesterday was hard--I kept wandering around wondering and imagining what it would have felt like to be celebrating Jason's first birthday. I longed to be making a 1st birthday teddy bear cake and watching him unwrap his first scoot car--something we have given all of our children on their first birthdays. Instead we ate the foods I craved while I was pregnant with him--meatloaf, potato chips, blue jello salad and orange juice--and watched Planes 2 in remembrance of him.
This Tuesday begins the 10 days before Hope Abigail,s 4th Angel Birthday--can't believe we are at another angel birthday. I'm finding that all mothers day ads are really bothering me this year--I hate seeing them or hearing them because they all remind me of 2011 when my 1st hoped for rainbow baby slipped away from me on what became my worst mothers day ever. In the baby loss world they have their very own mothers day the 1st week in May--but I don't participate in that either. May is a very hard month for me reliving my 1st miscarriage and all the events of that mothers day and feeling like such a failure with my angel babies and my living children and then it is my birthday that month too and that is again another reminder that I am way past the age to ever have another rainbow baby. I really don't need 2 holidays to remind me of my failures--I choose to ignore mothers day and take the day off from everything and spend it in bed sleeping, crying and eating my chocolate.
"Our brains tell us that our child is now in heaven and is living an eternity free from any pain, sadness, or sorrow. Our emotions tell us only one thing: we want our child to be right here with us so that we can walk together, talk together, and spend our time on this earth together. There is a constant tug of war when child loss occurs. Yes, we understand the passage from life to death and then to a heavenly place, but........because our heart aches so much the human side of us struggles every moment of every day wanting our child to be right here beside us! It so very hard to find peace amid the brokenness of child loss! " by Silent Grief
Everyday I struggle with these opposite emotions of sadness and happiness--it is very hard to find balance between the two of them--SADAPPY.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Missing Jason Today
Missing you today
<3 Jason <3
Wishing this was your 1st birthday instead of the 2nd anniversary of your due date.
I didn't think this date would hurt anymore, but, it still does. :`(
Friday, April 24, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Thanksgiving Point Tulip Festival
We went to a place called Thanksgiving Point for their annual Tulip Festival—it was really, really, crowded!! When we got there the line to get in was outside the door. The tulips were pretty, but just weren't as pretty this year as last year—of course it could have been because they bloomed a lot sooner and so a lot of them are already dying. Our kids created a scavenger hunt list and we divided into 2 teams and had an hour to take pictures of as many things as we could. It was a lot of fun because some of the things were taking a picture of someone jumping over something, or sliding down a banister, selfies, and then you got extra points for getting a picture of the other team without them knowing. I also bought a new bracelet that represents Hope--it is yellow and it has 10 little flowers to represent all of my kids and the 10 weeks that I carried her.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Remembering Bristol Michelle
Remembering
Bristol Michelle
on the day she went to Heaven 1 year ago.
<3 <3 <3
Sunday, April 19, 2015
My Grief Spring
What a difference a couple of days makes. This past Tuesday we were deep in snow and about 32 degrees. Today the sun is shinning, we have blue sky, green grass, green leaves on the trees, and brightly colored spring flowers.
Maybe that is what my grief is like now a spring snow storm. Those grief moments come out of no where and shock you with their intensity, but, now I can still see the beauty, peace, and joy underneath that I know will resurface again soon. I think for the past 5 years I have been under a deep, dark, winter snow storm that has left me empty and cold and alone wondering if I would ever see or feel sunshine again as I have dealt with the deaths of 4 of my babies. Now that winter time of my life is finally coming to an end and the spring thaw has begun. There will still be spring wind storms, and rain storms and yes, spring snow storms, but now I can see and feel the sunshine of Hope and Peace and Joy underneath it all that carries me through those storms. I finally have crossed that bridge from winter grief to a spring grief.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Happy Spring?????????????
It is April 15th today, but, you wouldn't know it looking out the window. We have snow, snow, and more snow and it is deep!!! Since we barely got any snow this past winter mother nature has decided to dump all of our missed winter snow on us today!!!
There is a difference between cold, barren, empty, and dreary January snow and a spring snowfall that falls on trees with green leaves and brightly colored flowers. There is hope and a hidden beauty and joy in a spring snowfall. Especially knowing that on the weekend it is going to be 70 degrees and this snow will be but a distant memory. The white snow does magnify the beauty of all the spring flowers and it gave me a chance to make 1 last snow heart for all of my angel babies.
There is a difference between cold, barren, empty, and dreary January snow and a spring snowfall that falls on trees with green leaves and brightly colored flowers. There is hope and a hidden beauty and joy in a spring snowfall. Especially knowing that on the weekend it is going to be 70 degrees and this snow will be but a distant memory. The white snow does magnify the beauty of all the spring flowers and it gave me a chance to make 1 last snow heart for all of my angel babies.
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