New School Year = Empty Frozen Heart

The new school year is just around the corner.  I've been dreading this moment since January.  Unfortunately, it is hitting the same week as the anniversary of my Dads death 7 months ago.  I just feel so empty, so lost, so frozen.  People keep telling me I should be happy because now I have unlimited freedom to do what I want.  Cool, except 8 years ago half of me died and was buried with Janessa.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I don't know what I enjoy doing.  Things have all changed since Janessa died,  I don't have any hobbys or talents or things I enjoy doing anymore besides just living and enduring each day.  I feel like homeschooling was my job and it gave me a distraction to focus on besides the grief.  Now my homeschooling days are over and I have all the time in the world to focus on the loss of my babies and now my Dad.   I also feel like my homeschooling career ended prematurely because
I 've been so distracted helping my Dad, then grieving his death, then helping with my grandbaby.  It's also hard because I know I should still be homeschooling my Angel babies.  Planning my weekly schedule is hard and leaves me feeling so empty.

I guess it's also hard seeing my husband  give all of our kids fathers blessings for the start of the new school year because it is a big reminder that my Dad is dead and I no longer have access to get a father's blessing.  I feel very cheated and upset.  I feel angry about all the planning and worry and contention about how to help my mom now, that shouldn't be there because my Dad should be alive and with my mom.

Everything just feels messed up right now.

MIA with Grief

I've been a little quiet on this page these past 7 months. Loosing my Dad has been really hard on me. It kind of sent me backwards a little bit on my grief journey.

In May my oldest daughter had complications giving birth to my first granddaughter and we ended up moving them all in with us for a while. It was healing and also very triggering and hard being around my granddaughter for those newborn stages of her life. Everyone kept telling me that my granddaughter would be that "elusive rainbow baby healing" everyone talks about. It has not been. It is not even close to having my own rainbow baby that I would have carried through pregnancy and then given birth too. Holding her for the first time was actually really traumatizing for me. I have had moments of healing where I would hold her and rock her and feel like it made up for a little bit of having those moments with Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne ripped away from me. But, mostly I feel empty, lost, and sad and sometimes guilty for even enjoying holding her. It makes me angry that this role of becoming a Grandma which I have longed for and looked forward to for so long is tainted and different from what I wanted too all because of stupid, never ending, everlasting grief! It sticks its fingers into every part of my life and that is frustrating!

August Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of August!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!