Lil Angels Hankies

I am literally bawling my eyes out right now because I got these beautiful hankies in the mail from Lil Angels Hankies https://www.facebook.com/lilangelshankies?fref=ts for Janessa and Hope Abigail.  They turned out so beautiful.  It just means so much to me to see their names and angel dates and due dates together.  Seeing their due dates just makes me weep.  Those were such happy days that I looked forward to.  I needed this today! 

I just realized that I have turned the rocking chair in my room into my Janessa and Hope shrine where I'm putting these special gifts from other angel moms in remembrance of my angel girls.  I wish I was using that rocking chair to hold my babies and rock them to sleep--I miss you so much Janessa and Hope! <3 <3

Reita Gale's Angel Birthday May 31

Happy Angel Birthday

Reita Gale!

 



Abigail's Angel Birthday May 30

Happy Angel Birthday

Abigail!

 



A Double Hug From Heaven

Doesn't it figure that the minute I blog about how there isn't a rainbow after every storm that the last 2 storms we've had there have been rainbows after them.  It was almost hard to see the rainbows like they were taunting me and laughing at me and trying to point out and emphasize that I don't have a rainbow after my storms.  I keep repeating to myself look for the sunshine, look for the sunshine.  As much as I wanted to be angry at the rainbow today, I just couldn't.  It was so beautiful and it was a double rainbow set against this ugly gray storm filled sky.  I stood out in the pouring rain to see it and take a picture of it.  It was a huge full rainbow and I haven't seen one of those in a long time.

I had a couple of different thoughts as I stood outside getting soaked.  First the rain and yucky grey sky represented my tears and anger and sadness and grief over loosing Janessa and Hope.  Next, I felt like the double rainbow was a gift from God and Janessa and Hope to bring me some peace and calm today because it has been a really hard last couple of days and I have felt pretty depressed.  I also instantly remembered the double rainbow outside the hospital window a couple of hours before Janessa was born.  It was raining just as hard and the sky looked just as ugly except we only saw a part of the rainbow then not the full thing.  It reminded me of the calm and peace I felt then even though my world had just fallen apart, I still felt God's love and I felt Janessa's love surrounding me. 

Janessa's Rainbow March 9th, 2010

Still wish I had a rainbow of my own to help still my grief storm, but, I'm glad God is willing to share his rainbows and sunshine with me instead.

Janessa & Hope Abigail's

Hug From Heaven

Double Rainbow--May 29th, 2013

 

 



Rebecca Leigh's Angel Birthday May 29

Happy Angel Birthday

Rebecca Leigh!

 



Everyone Does NOT get a Rainbow

On one of the face book sites I follow someone posted the following in a comment to a question about what do you do if you don't get a rainbow baby? 

"Not everyone gets a rainbow, just like in real life weather, not all storms end with a rainbow....but it's important to remember that after every storm, the sun Does shine. Grief, loss, it's never the same, but the whirling, hailing, windy black storm of grief eventually let's up and gives you a peek at the sun."

I'm not sure why this never occurred to me before that there isn't a rainbow after every storm but there is sunshine.  Even on Hope's angel birthday there was a terrible storm with dark clouds and I hoped and hoped for a rainbow, but, one never came, but, the sun did shine again instead.  This little comment has stirred inside of me so many feelings.  I think I have believed for the last 3 years that you had to have a rainbow baby in order to find any bit of healing.  That is why I have felt so incredibly lost the past 3 years that we have tried and tried to get pregnant with a rainbow baby only to have another miscarried baby loss and nothing else.  I have felt like a failure and an outcast even in the blm world which seems to be full of rainbows.  I suddenly feel a new freedom thinking in terms that you do NOT have to have a rainbow in order to feel the sunshine of healing.  I think there is too much emphasis on rainbow healing and not enough emphasis on Sunshine Healing.  In fact I think Sunshine Healing should be the focus--rainbows are just sometimes a part of sunshine healing.  Sunshine Healing is available to everyone. 

Sunshine Healing is small moments of peace and joy you experience between cloudy days.  For me it has been creating pinwheel pictures, enjoying sunrises and sunsets, enjoying vacations and small outings with my family, talking to/emailing friends who truly care, receiving name pictures of Janessa and Hopes names, having someone remember my angel babies, releasing balloons, all the many "hugs from heaven" I have received on hard days, etc.  It's as if a huge weight has been lifted from my back that even without a rainbow I'm not a failure and I can still find peace, joy, and healing.  I will always wish that things had been different and that I could have had a rainbow as a part of my sunshine healing and I will grieve for that loss, but, I will now be able to look for the sunshine behind the storms instead and enjoy those moments of healing that are all around me.  For those of you like me who emotionally or physically can't have a rainbow and find yourself weeping each month from disappointment I say ((HUGS))--it is a bitter pill to add on to the grief. 

As for me and my grief, instead of rainbows and rainbow healing, I will now be focusing on the Sunshine Healing instead.

The Sun is Always Shining Behind the Clouds!

 

 

Corigan's Angel Birthday May 26

Happy Angel Birthday

Corigan!

 



Memorial Day

When I was younger this holiday was the only day in the whole year that I would think about people who had died and cemeteries.  My family would always get mums and take them to put on the graves.  After I was married I had to start a new tradition for my husband because he had never gone to the cemetery on memorial day.  I remember every year we would take our mums out to put on his grandparents grave (the great grandparents that Janessa is now buried next to) and we would always struggle trying to remember where their grave was.  We finally associated a tree and telephone poles with their grave so we could find it easier.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined back then that one of my children would be buried next to them and that I would never have a problem again finding their grave because I went to the cemetery so much that I could find their graves with my eyes closed.

We went out and decorated Janessa's grave tonight because it isn't so crazy and busy like it is over the weekend.  Memorial Day just makes me angry now.  Mad at all the people who are like what I used to be that they never thought about dead people or cemeteries the whole year except for on this holiday.  I guess I'm jealous--I think about Janessa and Hope every day, I visit that cemetery 1 or 2 times a month, I stand over her grave and weep wishing so badly that things were different!  Wish I could just be like people who just throw down their lousy mum flowers because they've done their duty for the year and then they instantly go back to their normal lives.  My normal life is gone forever.

Dakota Blakely's Angel Birthday May 24

Happy Angel Birthday

Dakota Blakely!

 



Kamden's Angel Birthday May 24th

Happy Angel Birthday

Kamden!

 



How do you deal with the Pain?

I miss my angel babies, Janessa & Hope, today.  My arms are empty, my heart is broken, nothing is filling the holes they left behind. I've seen too many reminders and triggers today.

:`(

 

 

Thank You Gabriel's Mommy for writing Janessa and Hope's Names <3

 

 

It's hard to explain this, but....there is a feeling that overcomes a parent of child loss that brings us to tears when we see other families who look happy and whole. When we see them, it feels like the hole in our heart grows bigger -- the hole that was left by child loss. If we've lost a baby, it seems like every woman we see has a round, pregnant belly. If we've lost a young child, everywhere we look we see children that age happily playing. If we've lost a teenager, of course our eyes seem to see only teenagers busy with things like school, sports, driving, dating, etc. If we've lost an older child, it seems like everyone we talk to is sharing their bragging rights to what their child is doing, when their child got married, etc. It hurts so bad to lose a child! We never, ever wish bad on another, but sometimes it crushes us to see them so happy and whole while our heart has been broken into a million and one pieces by the loss of our child!

-From Silent Grief.com

 

 

Thank You Grace's Mommy for writing Janessa and Hope's Names <3

 

 

 

We each have our way of dealing with the pain of losing a child. There's really no right or wrong way of doing this thing called "walking through the grief of child loss." Some days we scream. Other days we quietly withdraw. Sometimes we want to remember. Other times we force ourselves not to remember too much because the pain is too crushing. One thing that is universal, though, is that losing a child is the most horrible, life-long pain a person will ever experience. It's the "missing my child so much I want to die" part that is so hard. How do you stop missing your child? The answer is clear -- it cannot be done. We are kindred spirits with our child -- woven together with a chord of eternity -- and for all the days of our life we will be aware that part of us -- part of our life is missing. And, so we carry this pain the best we know how -- some days a little softer than others, but the pain of missing our child is always, always there. May God help us as we try to so hard to go on in our world when so much of our life is missing! From Silent Grief.com

Remembering CJ on his Birthday--May 16

Happy Birthday In Heaven

CJ!

 



Grace Angel's PinWheel

Remembering Sandy Hook- May 14-5 Months

Remembering Sandy Hook Elementary

May 14--5 Months

We <3 You!

 



Janessa Marie's Angel Birthday May 14

Happy Angel Birthday

Janessa Marie!

 



This is What It Looks Like

This is what is looks like to be happily, naively pregnant not realizing that in a couple of months your heart is about to be ripped out.  I am NOT this girl anymore.

This is what is looks like to give birth to a stillborn baby--to have all your dreams and hopes shattered.  I am NOT this girl anymore.

This is what is looks like to finally get a positive on a pregnancy test and be 8 weeks pregnant with your rainbow baby, cautiously happy but scared to death that it will happen again--and it did.  I am NOT this girl anymore.

 

 

This is what is looks like to loose 2 babies.  To spend holidays and birthdays at a cemetery.  To have good days and feel happy, but, it is still laced with sadness and to have awful days where you cry yourself to sleep and wonder how you can ever endure another day.  To just want so badly for people to just remember your angel babies.  This is what it looks like to let your extreme anger and sadness turn to bitterness and depression.  This is what it looks like to reach out for help and start to find healing again.  This is what it looks like to be a baby loss mommy.  This is what it looks like be a SURVIVOR.  All of these Shauna's have made up who I am today.

 

I am Shauna--I have 8 Children 2 of which are angels and with the help of God, immediate family, True Friends and my many Baby Loss Mommy Friends

<3 I AM STILL STANDING! <3

Just Got Back

Just got back from the cemetery and decorating Janessa's grave. I took Janessa's molly bear and angel blanket with us and that was really comforting to have something to hold while we were there. As I placed the angel blanket over her grave for just a moment I realized that the stone under her heart marker is 18 inches--the exact length of Janessa. Left her a pretty pink bow hair clip--wish I could put it in her hair instead.