September Angel Birthdays!

Happy Angel Birthday!

Elijah Lee-9/07

Autumn Elise-9/08

Ailynn Chevy 9/12

Declan-9/28

"Expert" Grocery Shopper

Grocery Shopping has been a nightmare for me for the past 18 months!  I never realized how much my simple life had changed until I attempted to go grocery shopping a couple of weeks after Janessa died.  There were people with babies everywhere and I almost had a panic attack on every aisle. 

Since then I have become an "Expert" grocery shopper in order to protect my broken heart.  I'm an expert in knowing the best time to go when most of the mom's with babies have to be picking up their other children from school.  I'm an expert at avoiding aisles and checkout lines with pregnant women and women with infant carriers.  I'm an expert at averting my eyes when I do happen to get caught in view of a baby. I'm an expert at telling myself to just breathe and be calm and remember that some of those babies may be rainbow babies of women who have been through what I have.

I don't hate these other women and their babies--jealous of them--yes.  Most of it is an effort to keep from embarrassing myself at the store because I miss my angel babies so much.  These other babies are big reminders to me of what I don't have and will never have and so the tears instantly begin to fall whether I'm in the frozen food aisle or the bakery aisle and lets not even talk about the baby aisle!  My stupid grocery store put the paper products on one side (paper towels, Kleenexes, etc.) and all the baby food, diapers, formula, etc., on the other side of the same aisle!!!!!!!  I can't begin to tell you how hard that has been to have to go down that aisle to get my supply of Kleenexes while wishing I was buying the baby diapers and baby food instead.

All of these "Expert" grocery shopping tactics have worked really well for me until the other day.  While checking out I happened to glance up to the other checkout stand and there was a baby in an infant carrier.  My alarm bells went off telling me to look away and focus on something else, but, I just couldn't.  This cute little baby girl all dressed in pink sleeping peacefully in her infant carrier stole my heart.  I just wanted to go and hold her and rock her--it just felt so unfair that I never got to take my little Janessa to a store sleeping soundly in her infant carrier and I will never get that chance with Hope.  Thank goodness I was out the grocery store doors before the tears could start to fall.

I hope some day it won't be so hard to just go grocery shopping and that I won't always have to be an "Expert"!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

A Birthday Rainbow

It was my husbands birthday this past week.  I was a little jealous that he got such a calm and peaceful birthday week compared to my birthday week!  He shared his birthday with me so I could "pretend" this was my birthday week too.  It was so much fun to go out to dinner and shopping and joke around and laugh.  It has been such a long time since we have been able to just have a little joy admist all the tears and sorrow at our house.  The highlight of the day was coming out of the store to a rainstorm and seeing this big, beautiful rainbow!  We're standing there getting soaking wet, but, I didn't care because this is the first full rainbow I have seen in a long time.  We tried to get pictures of it on our cell phone.  I told my husband that was a birthday present for him from Janessa and Hope.  I have felt so happy since seeing this rainbow--I wish I could feel this way all the time!!!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Audrina's PinWheel

Angel Bears visit to Mount Rushmore

Okay, this is another part of our vacation back in June.  Mount Rushmore was AMAZING!!!  I have dreamed about seeing Mount Rushmore since I was a little kid--I don't know why--it has always just fascinated me.  This part of our vacation was a dream come true for me.

 A lot of people ask me why did you go to Mount Rushmore--isn't just seeing it in a picture good enough?  Why not go on vacation to Disneyland or somewhere FUN?  I do like Disneyland and someday I hope to be able to take my kids back there, but this year I needed a place where there wouldn't be tons of people and my life hasn't been very FUN the past 1 1/2 years so I really didn't feel up to "FUN" amusement parks this year.  There was a lot of people at Mount Rushmore but it was a different "atmosphere" than an amusement park.  I can honestly say that NO it is not the same to just see Mount Rushmore in a picture.  We got to take the trail that went right under the monument so you got a closer view of the faces.  That was really fun taking a hike and stopping at the different view points seeing Mount Rushmore at different angles.  I guess I just like how this was someones dream and he worked hard at it and didn't give up even though it was rough and even though he died before it was completed he left a legacy for all of us to follow when we are following our dreams, and he left a beautiful monument for us to enjoy!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Aug. 19th Day of Hope!

A Message to Shauna of the Past and All Mommy of Angels

August and September were really hard for me to get through last year--just like they are this year.  I think it has something to do with Janessa's half birthday coming up and this year that I would have been 6 months pregnant with Hope. 

I got out my journal and read what I had written for the months of Aug. and Sept. last year.   It makes me cry when I read my words.  Shauna of last year was struggling so much and hurting so much because I felt so very alone in my grief.  I had not found my Share Class yet, I didn't know what blogs were, hardly anyone remembered that I was still grieving or they acted like Janessa never existed and I didn't know anyone else who had a stillborn baby except for ancestors that had that term "stillborn" written in their records.  I thought I was the only person suffering this type of grief.

This year I still grieve over a stillborn baby, Janessa, and now a miscarried baby, Hope Abigail, each a different type of grief, but, I do not feel so very alone like I did last year.  I have discovered a world of Mommy of Angels and it brings me comfort and peace and hope to know that I do not walk this grief journey completely alone like I thought last year.  It makes my heart break each time I receive another pinwheel request especially those that have been loss this year, but, it makes me happy to know that they have found my blog and other mommy of angel blogs so that they don't have to feel alone.  I don't want any Mommy of an Angel to ever have to endure those 6 months of torture and unbearable grief and feeling so completely alone like I did. 

I wish I could go back in the past and send myself a message that "You Are Not Alone!"  "You Are Loved!"  "There are many, many, Mommies who walk this Grief Trail with you who Understand what you are feeling."  I guess since I can't send this to the past me I forward it on to All Mommy of Angels:

You Are Not Alone!

You Are Loved!

There are many, many, Mommies who walk this Grief Trail with you who Understand what you are feeling!

Your Angel Baby is a Precious Child of God--they will always be remembered by me and have a special place in my heart!

(Thank You Heather--You will never know how much this means to me!)
 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Kaison's PinWheel

Declan's Blankets

Declan's Mommy, Christy, is trying to raise money to buy blankets to donate for other Mommy of Angels as a way to remember and honor Declan for his 1st Angel Birthday next month.  If you are able to help her or can pass along the word please visit her blog at http://brushwithanangel.blogspot.com/2011/08/blankets.html

This is such a wonderful way for her to honor sweet Declan.  I was given a donated knitted pink blanket while I was in the hospital after Janessa died.  I lovingly wrapped her in it while I held her and then brought that blanket home with me.  It has been a precious way for me to remember her and has given me something to hold when my arms have felt so empty.

Brush With An Angel

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Isaac's PinWheel

Hope's Pumpkin

Look what I found growing among my tomatoes--a little pumpkin!

It was such a happy surprise for me.  Okay, I know this sounds weird, but, I've grown really attached to this pumpkin--it's another way for me to mother something and watch it grow. 

So this is Hope's pumpkin.  I'm planning on taking weekly pictures.  I'm kind of afraid to even place hopes in this pumpkin because I'm afraid something will happen to it and then I will cry about a pumpkin.  I'm like Cinderella right now wishing and hoping for this pumpkin to grow and turn into something magical in October.  I wish I had another pumpkin for Janessa, but, so far none of the actually pumpkin seeds I did plant (not in the tomatoes) have produced any kind of pumpkin, but, who knows maybe another pumpkin will magically appear perhaps in the cucumbers?!!!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Twin Angel PinWheels (Emma & Chase)

Emma

Chase



Emma & Chase

Emma & Chase's Mommy does beautiful pictures of angel babies names at http://vermontangels.blogspot.com/

Have You Lost Weight?

When I was younger I loved it when people asked me this question--finally, someone had noticed that I'm trying to loose those extra 30 pounds!  I got asked that the other day and I just mumbled a quick yes and changed the conversation.  That question has set off trigger emotions in me today.  I hate that question now.  Yes, I've lost weight because I was pregnant, but, now my baby is gone so my body has no reason to gain weight anymore.  I wish I wasn't loosing weight, even though I still have a lot more weight to get off.  Exercising has helped me through this past year.  It gives me a chance to work out all those wild emotions I feel, anger, sadness, fear, etc., I guess I should be grateful that one of the benefits is that I am loosing weight.  I'd trade all that lost weight to have my babies back. 

I should be almost 6 months pregnant--people should not be asking me that question.  They should be asking instead if my baby's due soon because I'm so huge.  But, hardly anyone knows that I had even started to gain weight and that I sit here today lighting a candle in honor of my angel baby.

Have you lost weight?  Unfortunately I have.

Happy 3 Month Angel Birthday Hope!  I miss you!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Is it possible to Love and Hate something at the same time?

Is it possible to Hate and Love something at the same time?



I face this dilemma every Saturday when I go to place another little pinwheel out for Hope.  I love her remembrance garden that we made for her, but I also hate it.  I wish I didn't have to have a remembrance garden and that she was still safe inside me happily kicking.  But, I love being out by her garden and watching all the little pinwheels turn and hearing her wind chime blow and having a way to remember her.

 I love being able to place a little pinwheel out to represent how many weeks I would have been pregnant, but, I hate putting that pinwheel out there because it also reminds me that these are weeks that have been taken from me.  I hate how every week when I go out there some lousy spider has made a web every where around the pinwheels and how I have to sweep it away EVERY WEEK (persistent little creepy thing!) 

I Love and Hate this little remembrance garden, I guess because I wish my life were different, but the reality is that this is my life no matter how much I fight it so I love having a way to remember this little baby that means so much to me.  I miss you so much Hope Abigail!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Welcome Home!

I used the pinwheels to help me welcome home my 2 girls from a pioneer trek where they spent 4 days dressed as pioneers walking over 30 miles pulling a handcart.  I figured after all they had endured they needed a big welcome home. 

As I took these pictures I wondered . . . . . . . .do my angel babies miss me? 

Do they watch my hard journey without them on earth and do they look forward to seeing me again?  I like to think of them happy in Heaven together watching us and anxiously awaiting the time for our return "Home" to them.  Will they be waiting with bright neon signs when I go back to Heaven that say:

Welcome Back!

We Missed You!

We Love You!

WELCOME HOME!!!

I hope so!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Rainy Days and Rainbows

I've decided that I like rainy summer days, not the days where the rain goes on and on and never ends, but the days when it has been really hot and the clouds pile higher and higher until, wham, we get struck with a sudden downpour.  Then 10-15 minutes later it is all gone and the sun peaks out again and if we're lucky we'll get a beautiful rainbow as a reward for having endured the storm. 

Rainstorms and Rainbows have had significant meaning to me since Janessa died.  The day Janessa was born it was a terrible downpour, but this was the kind of storm I don't like, where it goes on and on and there is no sun. A couple hours before she was born the rain suddenly slowed down, a little sun peaked through and a beautiful double rainbow appeared in the sky right out our hospital window.  We only had our cell phone camera, but, we took a quick picture.  We were disappointed after we returned home and couldn't find the picture and thought it had been deleted.  Last August as my husband was cleaning out text messages on his phone he found the picture!!!  This picture means so much to me, especially now as I grieve the loss of a rainbow--my rainbow baby Hope Abigail.

The other day we got one of those sudden summer storms and I had this really insane desire to go stand out in it and just let it drench me--I resisted and just watched through the window instead.  Sometimes my life is like those sudden out of the blue downpours.  I'm going along feeling okay and then something triggers my grief and wham, I'm having a downpour of tears.  I always seem to have more downpours during my "hard days" which is now the 1st of the month through the 9th.  I love going outside right after it rains because everything just feels and smells so new and clean. I guess in a way my downpour of tears renews me--gives me a chance to stop all the busyness of my life and take a moment to just remember and reflect on my angel babies.  We were lucky enough after our last storm to get a huge, beautiful rainbow and as I was enjoying it, it reminded me of the thoughts we had put on Janessa's funeral announcement:

 "Life is like a rainbow.  You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear." 

 "The only way to see a rainbow is to look through the rain." 

Yes, I can enjoy the rainbows, but, unfortunately, only after the "rain." 

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

August Angel Baby Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday!

Eden Sky

Raegan-8/04

Sebastion Rush-8/12

Bryston & Colton-8/15