True Friends are there for you No Matter What!
True Friends accept you for who you are and don't try to change you.
True Friends accept that you have changed since the death of your babies and they don't sit around waiting for you to "go back to the person you were before" because they know it will never happen.
True Friends do NOT criticize you for your intense grief feelings and tell you you need to be "over it" already. They gently sit with you and cry with you and try to be understanding.
True Friends do NOT walk away from you when you need them the most because they can't handle all the intensity of your grief feelings.
True Friends remember you on your hard days and remember how much it means to see your angel babys name written and spoken out loud.
True Friends DO NOT push you down and hurt you with their words and actions when you are already struggling to stand because of your grief--they reach out a hand to lift you up and steady you and try to help.
True Friends try to be understanding, sympathetic and empathic even though it is hard for them.
Feb. 28th is a hard trigger day for me. It is the day when what I thought was a "true friend" hurt me with her words in way that cut to my very soul. It was like being in a dark hole struggling to reach up for help and instead she pushed me back in the hole and spit on me. This day represents to me all of the awfulness of people who I thought were "true friends" who basically turned their backs on me because they couldn't handle all my hard grief emotions. They pretend nothing happened, that Janessa never existed and in a sense stabbed my already hurting heart. I grieve for those friendships that were but, gladly walk away from those fake people whose friendship was only empty.
I am grateful for the few "true friends" that have stood by me for the past 4 years and tried to understand the meaning in this poem:
An Ugly Pair of Shoes Author Unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Friday, February 28, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
The Forever Storm
Everyone keeps talking about After the Storm there is a Rainbow--but what if the Storm never ends?
There is no rainbow for me, there is no hope and sunshine after the storm
all there is
is RAIN, RAIN, and more RAIN!
I feel like I am alone in my only little group that is forever stuck in the storm.
It is a very hard and lonely and sad place to be.
Today is Feb. 25th--it should be 2 months to my "Rainbow Baby's" Due Date
instead there is just empty hopes, empty dreams, empty belly, empty arms and an empty due date.
I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore.
The Storm rages on with no end in sight.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Why Miscarriage Matters by Rachel Lewis
This is an article written by Rachel Lewis. This is one of the best articles I have read about miscarriage and how little people consider it. WOW! Miscarriages may not matter to most people, but, to those of us who have endured 1 or 2 or 3 or etc., etc. they mean a great deal--these are our precious babies and they matter to us!! I am so tired of feeling like I am weird for naming Hope and Jason and that I count them as real babies and a part of our family even though I only carried them for less than 12 weeks. I am tired of my angel babies being forgotten and treated like they are nothing and that I just need to "move on" and "forget it".
Janessa, Hope Abigail, Jason Nephi--LOVED 4 EVER <3 <3 <3
To Read the Full Article click HERE
"To be perfectly honest, before my losses, I didn't quite understand that the way we pro-lifers treat miscarriage is important.
And yet after we lost Olivia, it didn't take long for me to realize that in this Christian microcosm of ours, somehow an aborted baby had so much more to offer the world than a miscarried one.
Janessa, Hope Abigail, Jason Nephi--LOVED 4 EVER <3 <3 <3
To Read the Full Article click HERE
"To be perfectly honest, before my losses, I didn't quite understand that the way we pro-lifers treat miscarriage is important.
And yet after we lost Olivia, it didn't take long for me to realize that in this Christian microcosm of ours, somehow an aborted baby had so much more to offer the world than a miscarried one.
Both babies may have died at the same gestation -- one by choice, the other by chance. But the value attached to each child completely depended on how that child died.
Here are some of the mixed messages I received -- sometimes just hinted at, other times outright:
An aborted baby deserves to be grieved. A miscarried one deserves to be gotten over. And quickly.
An aborted baby could have been the next Einstein or Bach or Mother Theresa. A miscarried baby was probably damaged goods.
An aborted baby was killed against God's design. A miscarried baby fulfilled God's plans.
An aborted baby was a real person, and should have the rights as such. A miscarried baby was not a real child -- naming them really is kinda weird. Speaking of weird . . . counting them in the line-up of your children? THAT'S weird!
An aborted baby should always be missed in this world. God had created them for a purpose, no matter what health issues they may have had. A miscarried baby was meant for heaven -- and we moms should just be so thankful we have a baby in heaven, and should not grieve the loss of their place on earth. After all, they never TRULY had a place on earth, did they?
An aborted baby is a tragedy. A miscarried baby is slight bump on the road of life.
An aborted baby could never be replaced. A miscarried baby can always be replaced -- "Oh, don't worry, hon -- your time will come again. You'll have more. Just relax and trust God. You'll see."
An aborted baby's mom should know exactly what she's missing out on if she has living children. A miscarried baby's mom should not grieve that loss, but instead, should just be thankful for the lives of her living children.
This isn't a debate about abortion. Really, it's not.
It's a call to those of you who say you are pro-life. It's a call to be consistent.
Do you really believe life -- personhood -- begins at conception? If so, standing up against abortion is understandable. But so is treating a miscarriage as a real death of a real person.
Perhaps instead of just standing outside of Planned Parenthood . . . Instead of just posting on Facebook your outrage at the laws in the land . . . Instead of praying for your neighbor's cousin's boyfriend's daughter who is considering abortion . . .
What if you took it one step further?
What if you held the hand of a grieving mom who miscarried at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 18 weeks or more?
What if you never compared the loss of a 4-weeker to a 20-weeker?
What if you never said anything that started with, "At least . . . " As in, "At least it happened early." Or, "At least you didn't get too attached." Or, "At least you have one living child. You should be thankful for them."
What if you didn't try to stifle her tears? What if you welcomed them? And matched her tears with your own?
What if you held back any trite, easy answers that promised God's will and promised easy comfort? What if you just wrapped your arms around her the way Christ would?
What if you made that meal, bought those flowers and wrote that card?
What if you went to the hospital and sat in the waiting room for her, even if you wouldn't see her? Just because she is your friend. Just because that's what you do when someone is sick in the hospital or their child is dying.
What if you called her child by name?
What if you went to the service if they planned one? What if you helped her find a support group? What if you offered to go with her?
What if you prayed constantly for that hole in her heart that will one day scab, one day scar, but will never fully heal?
What if you were consistent? What if all your actions when dealing with loss of any kind, affirmed that fact that all life -- ALL LIFE -- is good, worthy of recognition and worthy of grief.
What if you didn't just affirm to the world that all babies are valuable -- but you also affirmed to a bereaved mom that HER baby was irreplaceable, and would forever be missed?
A person is a person . . . no matter how small.
Here are some of the mixed messages I received -- sometimes just hinted at, other times outright:
An aborted baby deserves to be grieved. A miscarried one deserves to be gotten over. And quickly.
An aborted baby could have been the next Einstein or Bach or Mother Theresa. A miscarried baby was probably damaged goods.
An aborted baby was killed against God's design. A miscarried baby fulfilled God's plans.
An aborted baby was a real person, and should have the rights as such. A miscarried baby was not a real child -- naming them really is kinda weird. Speaking of weird . . . counting them in the line-up of your children? THAT'S weird!
An aborted baby should always be missed in this world. God had created them for a purpose, no matter what health issues they may have had. A miscarried baby was meant for heaven -- and we moms should just be so thankful we have a baby in heaven, and should not grieve the loss of their place on earth. After all, they never TRULY had a place on earth, did they?
An aborted baby is a tragedy. A miscarried baby is slight bump on the road of life.
An aborted baby could never be replaced. A miscarried baby can always be replaced -- "Oh, don't worry, hon -- your time will come again. You'll have more. Just relax and trust God. You'll see."
An aborted baby's mom should know exactly what she's missing out on if she has living children. A miscarried baby's mom should not grieve that loss, but instead, should just be thankful for the lives of her living children.
This isn't a debate about abortion. Really, it's not.
It's a call to those of you who say you are pro-life. It's a call to be consistent.
Do you really believe life -- personhood -- begins at conception? If so, standing up against abortion is understandable. But so is treating a miscarriage as a real death of a real person.
Perhaps instead of just standing outside of Planned Parenthood . . . Instead of just posting on Facebook your outrage at the laws in the land . . . Instead of praying for your neighbor's cousin's boyfriend's daughter who is considering abortion . . .
What if you took it one step further?
What if you held the hand of a grieving mom who miscarried at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 18 weeks or more?
What if you never compared the loss of a 4-weeker to a 20-weeker?
What if you never said anything that started with, "At least . . . " As in, "At least it happened early." Or, "At least you didn't get too attached." Or, "At least you have one living child. You should be thankful for them."
What if you didn't try to stifle her tears? What if you welcomed them? And matched her tears with your own?
What if you held back any trite, easy answers that promised God's will and promised easy comfort? What if you just wrapped your arms around her the way Christ would?
What if you made that meal, bought those flowers and wrote that card?
What if you went to the hospital and sat in the waiting room for her, even if you wouldn't see her? Just because she is your friend. Just because that's what you do when someone is sick in the hospital or their child is dying.
What if you called her child by name?
What if you went to the service if they planned one? What if you helped her find a support group? What if you offered to go with her?
What if you prayed constantly for that hole in her heart that will one day scab, one day scar, but will never fully heal?
What if you were consistent? What if all your actions when dealing with loss of any kind, affirmed that fact that all life -- ALL LIFE -- is good, worthy of recognition and worthy of grief.
What if you didn't just affirm to the world that all babies are valuable -- but you also affirmed to a bereaved mom that HER baby was irreplaceable, and would forever be missed?
A person is a person . . . no matter how small.
And I would add . . . no matter when or how they died."
BRAVO RACHEL FOR WRITING THIS AWESOME ARTICLE!!! <3
The Baptism Dress
We've had 4 of our girls wear the same white dress after they were baptized, it has become a tradition. I've written on the inside tag their name and the date they were baptized. I've added something new to the dress each time. This time I added purple and blue butterflies for Janessa and a purple heart for Hope and my daughter getting baptized.
My last daughter to wear this dress commented when she was giving it back to me, now this dress will be put away and never be worn again because Janessa and Hope don't get to wear it. I answered her Yep and then quickly went to hang the dress up with all the baby blessing dresses in my closet while wiping away tears. You have no idea how much I wish this dress could be worn 2 more times. :`(
My last daughter to wear this dress commented when she was giving it back to me, now this dress will be put away and never be worn again because Janessa and Hope don't get to wear it. I answered her Yep and then quickly went to hang the dress up with all the baby blessing dresses in my closet while wiping away tears. You have no idea how much I wish this dress could be worn 2 more times. :`(
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
NOT 31 Weeks
I've been trying to knit 40 little hats to represent the 40 weeks of Jason's pregnancy that I did not get. I was trying to knit 1 hat a week, but, I got upset and depressed once I hit the 14 week mark that it had been 14 weeks since I miscarried Jason and there was only 14 weeks left until his due date and I stopped making the hats. The last 2 weeks I've been knitting like crazy to make up for not doing the hats. It was hard realizing today as I knit hat 31 that if I was still pregnant I would only have 9 weeks left and actually I have always given birth around 37 or 38 weeks so I probably would have only had 6 or 7 weeks left. This is really hard. Next week I would be 8 months pregnant. I feel really lost right now. I'm hitting all the hard memory weeks with Janessa and all those emotions are getting mixed up with the new grief I have over losing Jason so my grief is a lot worse this year than it should have been. That makes me angry!!! Why did I have to loose another baby? Why couldn't I have been able to carry Jason to this point to make going through Janessa's angel b-day easier--not harder? Why do I have to face alive newborns born every year in my neighborhood at this time as a reminder of what I did NOT get????? I hate the Whys because there will never be any answers, only, hang in there and endure to the end. Some times it is a major accomplishment just to make it through the day.
For hat 31 I did red, white, and blue in honor of the olympics that I have been watching this week. I think next weeks hat I will use my yarn that has silver in it in honor of Noelle Pikus-Pace (a baby loss mommy) who is my new Olympic Hero.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Feb. 22nd 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014
As I've been handing out the invitations to my youngest living daughters baptism the date on
them of Feb. 22nd has really been bothering me and I just couldn't figure out
why until yesterday when I got Janessa’s baby book out. This is what I found:
Feb 22nd 2010 is when Janessa turned to being head down. It is now a day that I mourn, because I believe, even though there was no evidence found, that when she turned she got tangled in her umbilical cord which lead to her death. The last 3 years that day has been a really hard day to get through knowing that that was the day she started dying inside me.
In 2012 I tried talking to friends who came over on Feb. 22nd about how upset I was about what had happened on this date, but, they brushed all my feelings aside as nothing and wouldn't let me talk about it or Janessa--it was too uncomfortable for them. When I tried to talk about what I was doing with PinWheels From Heaven they felt like I was focusing too much on dead babies and needed to focus on uplifting things instead and then proceeding to tell me about all the alive babies that had been born???!!!
In 2013 I took a hoped for pregnancy test on Feb. 22nd only to get another negative result that just added to the awfulness of that day.
I’m upset that this year I planned my daughter's baptism on that day and didn't even remember anything about it. But, maybe that is good and shows that the EMDR therapy has worked and taken all those paralyzing memories and softened them all and filed them away.
I do have 1 good memory on this date that I'm trying to focus on and that was in 2011 right before Janessa's 1st Angel Birthday. I had a really hard time all morning and afternoon that day thinking about it--I had to get away from my house and focus on something else, so I went to my SHARE Grief class that night. I had bought angel bears to hand out that night to all the other Baby Loss Mommies who I knew were hurting as much as I was in honor and remembrance of Janessa's 1st Angel birthday. It was an incredible experience to hand those bears out--that was my first experience in reaching out to other Baby Loss Mommies to comfort them in their grief. The joy and peace that it brought me replaced all the horror and sadness that I had felt earlier.
Maybe my daughter's baptism
can just be another good memory to add to that memory for this awful trigger
day. At one of my other daughter's baptism 2 years ago which was 3 weeks after I miscarried Hope, I
felt both Janessa and Hope’s presence there especially during the actual baptism
and that was so healing. I’m hoping and praying that I will have that kind of
experience again this Saturday at my youngest living daughter's baptism—I need to feel my angel
babies there so badly—I need to feel again some of that healing peace to get me
through all the hard days coming up the next couple of months.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Janessa's 4th Birthday Angel Tree
I took all the Valentine Hearts down from the Angel Tree today. Now I am getting it ready for Janessa's 4th Angel Birthday. I have placed 36 little pinwheels around the tree in remembrance of the 36 weeks that I carried her. I have 4 Candles for her 4th Angel Birthday. I was excited to see that some of the flower bulbs I planted all around this tree in October are starting to poke their way through the ground. It will be awesome to see little flowers surrounding this angel tree!!
I decided I'm going to put the angel easter eggs on this tree now for Janessa's angel birthday because Easter is so late this year and usually this tree gets its leaves by then and I don't like having things hanging on this tree besides my wind chimes when it has leaves. Besides, it fits this year--Janessa is celebrating her 4th Angel Birthday and her due date was 4/04/2010 which was Easter Sunday. Last year I posted pictures of all the Angel Easter Eggs click HERE to see them--all of those Angel Eggs will be on the Angel Tree this year also. I have created Angel Easter Eggs for all the pinwheel pictures I have done since April of last year to all the angel children on my waiting list and I have taken more pictures.
It was really hard to make an Angel Easter Egg for my newest angel <3 Jason <3 His due date is April 25th, right after Easter. I really just want him alive and in my arms rather than this plastic easter egg :`(
I decided I'm going to put the angel easter eggs on this tree now for Janessa's angel birthday because Easter is so late this year and usually this tree gets its leaves by then and I don't like having things hanging on this tree besides my wind chimes when it has leaves. Besides, it fits this year--Janessa is celebrating her 4th Angel Birthday and her due date was 4/04/2010 which was Easter Sunday. Last year I posted pictures of all the Angel Easter Eggs click HERE to see them--all of those Angel Eggs will be on the Angel Tree this year also. I have created Angel Easter Eggs for all the pinwheel pictures I have done since April of last year to all the angel children on my waiting list and I have taken more pictures.
It was really hard to make an Angel Easter Egg for my newest angel <3 Jason <3 His due date is April 25th, right after Easter. I really just want him alive and in my arms rather than this plastic easter egg :`(
Friday, February 14, 2014
Happy Valentines Day!
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
JANESSA, HOPE ABIGAIL, AND JASON NEPHI!
AND ALL YOUR ANGEL FRIENDS!!
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
My Last 8th Birthday Doll Cake
I made my last 8th Birthday Doll Cake--it marks the end of era, the end of another chapter in my book of life. The problem is 3 chapters got prematurely ripped out before I finished them, so I will always feel like this era in my life was never fully completed.
I took this tradition of making a Doll Cake from when I was growing up and my Mom made me and my sisters doll cakes for our 8th Birthdays. Here I am 30+ years ago with my 8th Birthday Doll Cake.
For my only living son I did a 8th b-day racetrack cake that I was looking forward to making for Jason, but, now this will be the only one I ever get to make.
Here are the five 8th Birthday Doll cakes that I have made.
Janessa and Hope I tried to include you on the last cake with hearts and a butterfly--doesn't quite make up for not being able to make each of you your very own doll cake, but, it helps take a little of the sting away.
I took this tradition of making a Doll Cake from when I was growing up and my Mom made me and my sisters doll cakes for our 8th Birthdays. Here I am 30+ years ago with my 8th Birthday Doll Cake.
For my only living son I did a 8th b-day racetrack cake that I was looking forward to making for Jason, but, now this will be the only one I ever get to make.
Here are the five 8th Birthday Doll cakes that I have made.
Janessa and Hope I tried to include you on the last cake with hearts and a butterfly--doesn't quite make up for not being able to make each of you your very own doll cake, but, it helps take a little of the sting away.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Today has been awful!
Today has been awful except for the mail--I received 2 pkgs both with items that had Jason's name on them and that has meant the world to me. It means so much to have other people remember my angel babies. Rhonda made a beautiful tag for him and I also received the necklace I had customed made from Joy in the Morning by Larisa Barth. She has made my other "Held Your Whole Life" necklaces and I love each one of them!! I just needed a necklace that was just for Jason so on days like today I can feel him close. This necklace truly represents my heart now--a big giant hole in the middle and I'm trying to still live and function and survive on 1/2 a heart and it is hard.
I have been a mess all day today. I can't think straight, I'm having to force myself to do things because all I really want to do is just climb back in bed and cry. I've been to the grocery store twice now because I forgot to get eggs the first time that I needed to make my daughters b-day cake. While trying to make her cake I tripped over the beaters cord and sent them and cake batter splattered all over the kitchen. I still have to face decorating a doll cake tonight so that it is all ready for tomorrow and I have no idea where I'm going to find the creative energy to do that. I have cramps from he** because my stupid period decided to start today and be another big reminder of my miscarriage! I don't want to light 4 candles and put out another star wand around Jason's memorial stone--I want to be 7 1/2 months pregnant and feeling him kicking and moving inside me not all this emptiness in my arms, belly, and heart. I just keep remembering that first ultrasound over and over again of seeing him and his little heart beating so strongly and the peace and hope that that moment brought to me--why did everything have to do downhill again??? Why does my life seem like one continually storm for the past 4 years???
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