Happy Angel Birthday
Baby Hunter!
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Monday, March 31, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
NOT 36 Weeks
Today I should be 36 weeks pregnant--9 Months--there should be around 30 days left until I had Jason. Today I probably would have been freaking out and just praying that I made it through this week because this is the week that Janessa died in. At 36 weeks with Janessa I told everyone we just need to make it through this week and then it will be safe to have her--I did NOT make it through 36 weeks. When I reached 10 weeks in my pregnancy with Jason I was having really hard triggers remembering miscarrying Hope so I went out and decorated Hope's memorial stone and that seemed to help. I was planning on doing the same for Janessa when we reached 36 weeks--now I don't know what to do. I miss all of my babies. I wish things were different and I had all of them with me. It is hard to live without them.
I decided that I wanted to donate more miscarriage H.O.P.E. bags to my obgyn. I have been putting the items together so I can take them in next month. Just looking at these bags makes me sad. I wish no one had to take one of these home instead of their baby. I feel bad for the women who will receive these bags because I know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out because of a miscarriage. I hope these bags help just a little to bring these women a moment of peace.
I did 6 bags this time for the 6 months I did NOT get with Jason. I donated 3 bags in October for the 3 months I did get with him and for all 3 of my angel babies. So I guess 3-6 appropriate for what should be 36 weeks.
UPDATE: I wrote this post a week and a half ago. I never imagined that today I would have all ready donated these bags and that I would have another angel baby I was grieving at this 36 week mark. I felt an urgency to put these bags together at the beginning of March I didn't know why because I wasn't planning on donating them until closer to Jason's due date in April. This past Sunday on March 23rd I miscarried my surprise/miracle baby Rae Anne. I found myself sitting in my obgyn's office on Monday, March 24th--31 days from Jason's due date holding yet another one of my precious babies in a stupid brown paper sack. I felt like I should donate these bags then and I did. My Obgyn and his nurse were extremely grateful for them. I think maybe there was someone coming in this week that was going to miscarry and would need one of these H.O.P.E. bags to help get her through it and I was once again God's hands. I pray these H.O.P.E. bags go to 6 people who will find a little peace from them, because I know only to well the horror and sorrow of miscarrying your precious baby.
I'm a mess of emotions grieving both Jason and Rae Anne. I guess these 6 bags now represent not only the 6 months I did not get with Jason, but, also the 6 weeks I did get with Rae Anne. I will write more about her at another time, because it is all too hard right now and all I can do is just get myself through each day with now 4 holes in my heart.
I decided that I wanted to donate more miscarriage H.O.P.E. bags to my obgyn. I have been putting the items together so I can take them in next month. Just looking at these bags makes me sad. I wish no one had to take one of these home instead of their baby. I feel bad for the women who will receive these bags because I know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out because of a miscarriage. I hope these bags help just a little to bring these women a moment of peace.
I did 6 bags this time for the 6 months I did NOT get with Jason. I donated 3 bags in October for the 3 months I did get with him and for all 3 of my angel babies. So I guess 3-6 appropriate for what should be 36 weeks.
UPDATE: I wrote this post a week and a half ago. I never imagined that today I would have all ready donated these bags and that I would have another angel baby I was grieving at this 36 week mark. I felt an urgency to put these bags together at the beginning of March I didn't know why because I wasn't planning on donating them until closer to Jason's due date in April. This past Sunday on March 23rd I miscarried my surprise/miracle baby Rae Anne. I found myself sitting in my obgyn's office on Monday, March 24th--31 days from Jason's due date holding yet another one of my precious babies in a stupid brown paper sack. I felt like I should donate these bags then and I did. My Obgyn and his nurse were extremely grateful for them. I think maybe there was someone coming in this week that was going to miscarry and would need one of these H.O.P.E. bags to help get her through it and I was once again God's hands. I pray these H.O.P.E. bags go to 6 people who will find a little peace from them, because I know only to well the horror and sorrow of miscarrying your precious baby.
I'm a mess of emotions grieving both Jason and Rae Anne. I guess these 6 bags now represent not only the 6 months I did not get with Jason, but, also the 6 weeks I did get with Rae Anne. I will write more about her at another time, because it is all too hard right now and all I can do is just get myself through each day with now 4 holes in my heart.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Spring :)
There is just something about the season of Spring that just makes me happy. I love that it is getting warmer outside but not overly hot. I love all the pretty spring flowers that pop up among all the dead bushes and trees that haven't quite got their leaves yet. Spring brings back the feeling of hope to me. Spring brings back a peace and calm to me that I love. Even though there are still some hard trigger days to get through--April 4th Janessa's due date, this Friday--what should have been week 36 in Jason's pregnancy, April 25th--Jason's Due Date and May 7th Hope's 3rd Angel Birthday--today I feel like I can conquer them all and it will be okay.
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Love these little bears that another Baby Loss Mommy made for me!
<3 <3 <3
Friday, March 21, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
A Small Miracle
Got to witness and be part of a small miracle today for a teenage girl. After I dropped my son off for early morning seminary this morning and was waiting at a crosswalk for 2 teenage girls to cross, I saw something slip out of one of the girls pockets and fall on the road. Didn't think too much of it until I got closer and realized it looked like an I-phone. Saw her mom come within inches of running it over and I had this very strong prompting that I need to park my car and go rescue that I-phone. Had a million excuses pop into my mind as to why I should just drive on, but, it was a really strong prompting so I parked my car and hopped out and as I was trying to get across the cross walk I watched as 7 more cars came within inches of running it over. I finally was able to dodge into the crosswalk and grabbed it while trying not to get hit myself.
I took it up to the seminary building thinking I could just hand it over to the secretary--only problem it was so early that the secretary wasn't there yet and then I didn't know what to do. Felt prompted to go up to these 2 girls standing in the hallway to ask if it was their phone. It was--she had just realized she'd lost it and was freaking out when I handed it to her. The relief on her face was priceless. It was just a small thing, but, that phone meant the world to this teenage girl. I'm thankful I was given the chance to witness and be part of this tiny miracle because it reminded me that Heavenly Father truly does care about us and loves us and is mindful of all the little things going on in our lives--I needed this reminder and miracle today as much as that teenage girl did.
I took it up to the seminary building thinking I could just hand it over to the secretary--only problem it was so early that the secretary wasn't there yet and then I didn't know what to do. Felt prompted to go up to these 2 girls standing in the hallway to ask if it was their phone. It was--she had just realized she'd lost it and was freaking out when I handed it to her. The relief on her face was priceless. It was just a small thing, but, that phone meant the world to this teenage girl. I'm thankful I was given the chance to witness and be part of this tiny miracle because it reminded me that Heavenly Father truly does care about us and loves us and is mindful of all the little things going on in our lives--I needed this reminder and miracle today as much as that teenage girl did.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Friday, March 14, 2014
Memories March 14th
Got up and watched the sunrise this morning--needed to feel its calming peaceful rays. The pinwheel 4 is still up--it's endured heat, wind, rain, and snow. Tomorrow is the day 4 years ago that we buried Janessa so I wanted to keep it up until then. After tomorrow I will move the pinwheels into my flower beds.
22 years ago today my husband hiked me to the top of Ensign Peak and as the sun rose he got down on 1 knee and with a ring in hand asked me to marry him <3
6 years ago today I sat scared to death with my husband in ICU holding his hand as he suffered from double pneumonia and we were unsure of what the outcome of that would be <3
4 years ago today we were suppose to dress Janessa in her burial dress and hold her and rock her 1 last time before we placed her in her tiny pink coffin--because of unexpected circumstances that experience was taken from us too and our mortician stood as proxy for us instead. Instead of that sacred experience, we sat in the hospital parking lot holding hands and weeping as we looked at and held Janessa's little hand and foot molds that had been made for us that we had just picked up. <3
So many memories today.
22 years ago today my husband hiked me to the top of Ensign Peak and as the sun rose he got down on 1 knee and with a ring in hand asked me to marry him <3
6 years ago today I sat scared to death with my husband in ICU holding his hand as he suffered from double pneumonia and we were unsure of what the outcome of that would be <3
4 years ago today we were suppose to dress Janessa in her burial dress and hold her and rock her 1 last time before we placed her in her tiny pink coffin--because of unexpected circumstances that experience was taken from us too and our mortician stood as proxy for us instead. Instead of that sacred experience, we sat in the hospital parking lot holding hands and weeping as we looked at and held Janessa's little hand and foot molds that had been made for us that we had just picked up. <3
So many memories today.
Janessa's 4th Angel Birthday
I really dreaded the 9th coming this year. So many loss dreams and hopes were all bundled up inside me on Janessa's 4th angel birthday. I had to get away from our house, church, and all the neighbors who have just had babies or are pregnant--I couldn't stand it anymore. So I booked us a hotel room in a little town called Manti. I felt a little bad leaving behind all the traditional things we have done in the past on Janessa's birthday, but, I needed something new this year. We went and decorated her grave on Friday, March 7th--which is the anniversary of the last day she was alive inside me. We also made giant chalk drawings all over the driveway that evening.
We placed 36 little pinwheels around her grave to represent the 36 weeks she was alive inside me.
This year I put a play tea set for 4 people on her grave. At 4 years old she would have loved playing pretend and dress up. The pink setting is for Janessa, the blue for Jason, the purple for Hope and the light purple is for all the angel friends she has made these past 4 years.
There were little pretend cupcakes with candles in them on each plate. These candles stayed lit for 4 days at her grave.
I also decorated her memorial stone in our yard before we left.
The Chalk drawings were still there when we got home on Monday, but, on Tuesday it snowed and washed them all away.
Saturday we left at 6 a.m. and traveled to Dead Horse State Park and Arches National Park. We spent the day exploring these parks. It was so calm and peaceful. It was exactly what I needed to help me feel much needed peace for Janessa's Angel Birthday.
I loved being able to write her name in the sand!
We left a Carson's Courage car with a #4 on it in memory of Carson and Janessa at Pine Tree Arch--hopefully someone will find it.
2 years ago when we came here and I was trying to find peace after miscarrying Hope Abigail we nick named this tree the wishing tree because it is split and looks like a giant wishbone. Back then I stepped through it and wished to find peace and that I would be able to get pregnant again and have a living rainbow baby--I got half of those wishes.
This was a giant J cloud that appeared outside our hotel window on Janessa's angel birthday. I was a little worried that we would all be fighting each other with all 8 of us stuck together in a tiny hotel room, but, everyone cooperated and it was actually really enjoyable being together. We were able to talk as a family about what we remembered about Janessa and we shared some memories that we never had told our kids about. This is the first time that we have sat around and talked openly about that day she died. We laughed and cried together and for the first time in 4 years instead of running and hiding to cry and be alone at her birth time, 9:08 p.m., I spent it with my family singing happy birthday to Janessa.
<3 <3 <3 <3
Janessa You are Loved 4 Ever!
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