Happy Easter!

 Happy Easter

Angel Children in Heaven!

You are Missed! <3

You are Remembered! <3

You are Loved! <3

<3 We can't wait to see you again! <3

The Easter Angel Wall 2024

 

Rae Annes 10th Angel Birthday

 I wasn't exactly sure how to remember Rae Anne on her 10th angel b-day.  I knew I wanted to do something different and unique but we didn't have a lot of money to do much.  I also wanted to recognize the fact that she was my 10th pregnancy, my 10th child, and that she was the last baby I have gotten pregnant with in the past 10 years.  10 was a pretty big number this year.  I decided to plan a trip to Manti because the Manti Temple had been closed for remodeling and was having an open house the weekend of her angel b-day.  The Manti Temple has had a lot of history in my past.  They use to do the Manti Pageant on the grounds of the temple which was always fun to go to as a kid and then when we took our kids.  10 years ago on Janessa's 4th angel b-day we went to Manti to stay and then on to Arches National Park.  It was on that trip that I was suspecting that I was pregnant with Rae Anne.

So it was the perfect spot to return to 10 years later to remember her.  We even stayed in room 10!  I wish I had been given the opportunity to have a rainbow baby, but, I'm grateful for the 6 living children that I do have and the 4 Angel Babies that I will get to see again. <3

Rae Anne's 10th Angel Birthday

 Happy 10th Angel Birthday

to my lil

<3 Rae Anne <3

You were my surprise pregnancy after miscarrying Jason. I discovered I was pregnant with you on Janessa's 4th angel b-day. We were at Arches National Park so that is why I associate the color orange/peach with you. We were only together for 6 short weeks, barely enough time to even say hello and goodbye. You represent the end of my pregnancy years because I was never able to get pregnant again after you. It is hard to believe 10 years has passed. I would give anything to go back in time and finish my pregnancy with you and have you be my alive rainbow baby. I would love to be celebrating your 10th real birthday. Instead it is another empty day filled with memories only I have. We eat orange foods in memory of you but for the most part I remember you alone now.

You Are Missed! You Are Remembered! You Are Loved!

Love, Mommy

Janessa's 14th Birthday Party at the Cemetery

 

We very hesitantly went to the cemetery today to decorate Janessa's grave. Every other time we have tried this week something has come up that has prevented us from going to the cemetery. I did NOT want to go today because I hate being at the cemetery on her birthday, it is NOT a fun place to be on her birthday.

Everything turned out okay, her birthday rose petals were still very fresh, all of my decorations turned out so pretty, and the ground was soft enough to get the things into the ground easily but not damp so we could sit by her grave. I was so happy to see when we got there that my winter butterfly crochet blanket was still covering her grave. I actually enjoyed decorating her grave and having time to just sit and remember her.

I think that is why it didn't work out to decorate her grave earlier because we wouldn't have had time to just sit still in front of her grave and just think, look at pictures, listen to music, feel peace and calm and cry which is something both my husband and I needed today.

We also for the first time got to sing Happy Birthday to her because we have never been there on her birthday before.

Janessa's 14th Birthday Sunrise

 

Took a very cold 20 degree walk this morning to watch Janessa's birthday sunrise. This is the first sunrise I've seen on her birthday in a few years because it is usually too cloudy, rainy, or snowy!

Janessa's 14th Angel Birthday

 

Happy 14th Birthday in Heaven

 <3 Janessa <3

Your Memory is my Keepsake with which I'll never part.

God has you in his keeping, 

I have you always in my <3 Heart <3

Can't believe it has 14 years since I shared my life with you, since I held your fragile little body in my arms, so tiny, so quiet, so still. 14 years since I said Hello and Goodbye on the same day. 14 years since I placed a kiss on your casket and walked away from your grave. It has been the hardest 14 years of my life. At times I wish I could go back and hold you just 1 more time and just do all of it differently. At times I have wished that I had died with you because I've made such a mess with our family in this grief journey and there our times when I just can't face another day with grief. I try to keep going, I try to keep hanging on knowing I'm doing the best I can and that in the end it will all be okay. 14 years apart, but, 14 years closer to seeing you again!  I Love You!  Love, Mommy

It makes me sad because honestly so much time has passed that hardly anyone remembers you anymore or recognizes your angel day.  I mostly remember alone.  Does it matter--I don't know, everyone tells me just get over it already.  I guess it would just be nice to not have to grieve alone and have someone remember with me.

I