Our Vacation

I have had a really rough week.  I fell apart on a couple days of our vacation and at the beginning of this week.  I wanted so badly for this vacation to be a chance to get away from all the stress of my normal life, and it ended up being more stressful.  For the first couple of days I could not forget about all the stress and relax.  Being in an unfamiliar environment just added stress and anxiety.  I ended up crying in the bathroom for the first 2 days.  On the 3rd day we went over to Bear Lake.  I was finally able to relax because Bear Lake is a familiar place for me because my family went there every year for vacation when I was a kid.  I loved seeing the whole lake at the top of the canyon--it was so beautiful.  I was able to relax and find joy the last 2 days of our vacation, but, then it was time to come home.  This vacation just wasn't the peaceful, relaxing, get away from everything so you can come back and handle life trip that I wanted and needed.

 

 

 

Coming back to real life again has been really hard.  I  really detest going to church on Sundays.  I don't hate God--although sometimes I get really upset and angry with him, I don't hate my church or its teachings, but, I hate the physical environment of church.  It is full of really hard triggers (pregnant women, babies, toddlers, complete happy families)  that get me upset almost every Sunday.  For me it is like having to go to a weekly dentist appointment to get a cavity filled and I am tired of it.  I've tried everything to distract myself.  I don't want to stop going because I know I need to be there, but, I can't stand to be there.  It has gotten much harder since my bff  moved away.  Our ward use to be a middle age ward with lots of people my age with teenagers.  A lot of those families have moved away and now there are tons of  young couples who are pregnant/have babies and toddlers.  It is really hard for me emotionally to see this every week.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I have become the ward witch who is either frowning, grumpy, or crying.  I didn't mean to become the ward witch--it is all just so very hard and no one understands this at all.  I guess that is why I've wanted a rainbow baby so badly.  I felt like my own baby would help me regain my confidence again and help me to be able to handle seeing all the hard triggers.  Now I feel stuck and hopeless because there is no way to make going to church any better.  I feel like I will continue to dread Sundays for the rest of my life!   I feel so alone in this crowd of people every week. :`(

 

 

 

I dreamt about Janessa and Hope Abigail last night!

I dreamt about Janessa and Hope last night!  At the beginning of the dream I didn't know it was them.  We were all coming out of a mortuary and I saw these 2 little girls, one a brown haired girl who looked to be about 4 or 5 years old and the other a blond haired girl who looked to be about 3.  They were asking the mortician if he could tell their mom something and he told them they would have to tell her themselves.  I got the impression that their mom was gone or passed away or something.  They were walking to find their  babysitters car .  I felt bad they were walking all alone so I told my family that I would be right back because I wanted to make sure these little girls made it safely to their babysitters car.  I asked if I could walk with them and they said yes as each of them grabbed my hands.  As we walked they talked about how much they missed their mother. 

We found their babysitters car--she seemed really nice.  I helped the girl with brown hair into the car.  There was another little girl already in the car--she smiled at me, but she didn't seem to be related to these 2 girls just a friend who was also being babysat.  When I put the little blond 3 year old girl into her seat belt she got really upset and undid it and jumped out of the car and held onto me.  I didn't know what to do--I looked at the babysitter, she smiled and tried to reassure the little girl it was okay and then had me put the girl back in her seat.  Her sister reached across to pat her on the arm and tell her it was okay.  She still seemed really upset.  The babysitter asked if I would get in the car and hold her and just drive with them for a few blocks until this little girl calmed down.  I said yes.  When the little girl was on my lap and knew I would be with them for more time she calmed down.  She  kissed her hand and blew it towards the clouds and said she was blowing a kiss to her mommy--I told her I was sure her mommy got it. 

The little blond girl talked and talk the whole time I was with her, but, I don't remember about what.  The brown haired girl was content to just listen and watch me.  After driving several blocks we got to a corner and the babysitter told me it was time for me to get out and go back to my family.  The blond haired girl hugged me tight, gave me a kiss on my cheek and told me she love me.  I told her I loved her too.  She seemed to be okay with me leaving.  I went around to the brown haired girl and she hugged me--gave me a huge smile to let me know that she was okay and happy where she was at and told me she loved me too.  I told her I loved her too, grasped her little hand for reassurance, then let go and closed the door.  All 3 of the girls looked at me and smiled as their babysitter drove away with them. 

I felt calm and happy and then I just had this overwhelming desire to be back with my family.  We had driven a long way and I knew it was going to be a long walk back.  I started running faster and faster to reach my family.  When I awoke from this dream it was then that I thought it was odd that these 2 little girls felt comfortable around me when we didn't know each other and then I realized that it was Hope and Janessa!  Janessa was the brown haired girl that was calm and at ease with everything.  She was content that her life continued in a different place while they waited for me and she was helping Hope find that peace and contentment too.  Hope Abigail was the little blond girl who just needed a little more time with me and then felt okay--I was their lost mother that they missed! 

 

I'm so happy that in my dreams I got to hug and kiss my little angel girls and be with them for just a moment and tell them that I loved them. <3 <3

 

 

Matthew Aaron's Angel Birthday July 28th

Happy Angel Birthday

Matthew Aaron!

 



Amelia Grace's Angel Birthday July 28th

Happy Angel Birthday

Amelia Grace!

 



Pure Joy and Happiness 4 Years ago Today

Four years ago today on July 26th, 2009, I took a pregnancy test.  I was so elated and happy to see the 2 pink lines indicating that I was pregnant.  I didn't tell anyone for 2 weeks.  It was just a secret between Janessa and I.  I was worried that everyone else would be mad and upset because Janessa was my 7th child.  I couldn't believe I wasn't upset and worried, but, I was thrilled to be pregnant again--it brought me such peace and happiness.  That was the last time I was able to do a pregnancy test and not be stressed out or worried.  I long to be that girl again.  4 years later and I have only gotten 1 positive pregnancy test since then and that was with Hope Abigail who I only got to carry for 10 weeks.

 

I can not begin to tell you how discouraging the last 4 years have been.  I build up hope only to have it stolen away each month.  It is like constantly being tortured because you want something so badly but it is out of reach.  I've tried everything to find a replacement for the "rainbow baby" healing I seek so badly but nothing works. I try to be okay with sunshine healing and console myself that not everyone gets a rainbow baby, but, it doesn't help.  I just don't know what to do anymore--it just hurts so much!  I feel like such a failure--why me--why did my babies have to die?

I wish I could freeze time on July 26th, 2009, and never move past that day.  Then I would always be happy and joyful and Janessa would always be a part of me and never die and I would never know the awfulness of grief. 

Clare Elizabeth's Angel Birthday July 23rd

Happy Angel Birthday

Clare Elizabeth!

 



Bradyn's Angel Birthday July 21st

Happy Angel Birthday

Bradyn!

 



Gabriel Sloan's Angel Birthday July 19th

Happy Birthday

Gabriel Sloan!

 



Baby Hunter's PinWheel

Remembering Olivia Engel July 18

Remembering

Olivia Engel

on her Angel Birthday

 

(Sandy Hook Angel)

 

 

 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/RIP-Olivia-Engel-Sandy-Hook-Massacre-Victim/175862682558908?fref=ts

What it Feels Like to have a Stillborn Baby

I participated in a questionnaire to answer in 1 word what it felt like to have a stillborn baby and to live with that for the rest of your life.  My response--Torturous!  They compiled all our answers and put them together in a piece of artwork.  This totally describes how it has felt for me since Janessa died. I can relate to every single word!

Kody's Angel Day July 16th

<3 Remembering Kody on her Angel Day <3

(Dakota Ann)

 



Jack Francis' Angel Birthday July 15th

Happy Angel Birthday

Jack Francis!

 

 

 

"In Loving Memory"

Melissa Hope's PinWheel

 

Remembering Sandy Hook Elementary School--July 14th

Remembering the Angels

of Sandy Hook Elementary

We Will Never Forget!

<3 <3 <3

 



Jeremiah's Angel Birthday July 13th

Happy Angel Birthday

Jeremiah!

 



NEVER LOSE HOPE

My baby loss mommy friend Caroline sent me a picture of a bag she bought.  I absolutely Love it!!!

 

I've been plagued with the 4 D's this past week--Discouragement, Despair, Disappointment, and Depression.  Just seeing this beautiful bag with its uplifting message of NEVER LOSE HOPE brought a smile to my face and really helped me feel better.

 

Never Lose Hope--my angel babies are alive and well and I will see them again!

 

Never Lose Hope--we have money to pay most of the bills this month and a credit card to cover what we don't have.

 

Never Lose Hope--the big $1000 medical bill hasn't come yet and hopefully we'll have the money to pay it when it does or they will work with us to pay it off in monthly payments.

 

Never Lose Hope--I've had 18 years of kids not being rebellious.

 

Never Lose Hope--some day we will find the answer to my daughters medical issues

 

Never Lose Hope--for all my friends that are moving away, God has sent me Baby Loss Mommy friends to help and support me. 

 

Never Lose Hope--some how, some way, I will find sunshine healing to help numb the pain of the grief I feel so I can find true joy in life again by including Janessa & Hope's deaths in the fabric of my life.  Some day I will accept this new normal for my life and be okay with it.  Then I will be able to Treasure Yesterday, Dream of Tomorrow, but, Live for Today!

 

Never Lose Hope--only 1 more week until we get to go on vacation and get away from all the stress of everyday life!

 

NEVER LOSE HOPE!!!

Austin Bradley's PinWheel

Remembering Madeleine F. Hsu July 10th

Remembering

Madeleine F. Hsu

on her Angel Birthday

 

(Sandy Hook Angel)

 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/RIP-Madeleine-F-Hsu-Sandy-Hook-Massacre-Victim/302928576485820?fref=ts

Logan's Angel Birthday July 10th

Happy Angel Birthday

Logan!

 



Emersyn Belle's PinWheel

Happy Angel Birthday

Emersyn Belle <3

 



Brianna's Angel Birthday July 8th

Happy Angel Birthday

Brianna!

 



Chaos

I realized something yesterday as I was trying to watch the fireworks going off all around my house, I really don't like fireworks.  They are noisy, loud, and somewhat annoying.  It really scares me to have them going off right over my head and house because they are being lit by people who really don't know what they are doing.  I'm okay with the fireworks shows that cities do because they are not over my head and my house.  I think I could only stand the fireworks for about 5 minutes before I just came back inside and hid from them instead.  I just didn't enjoy them or find peace or happiness with them, they were scary and were just a big reminder of all the scary not pleasant things that life can throw at you.  I think next year I will plan a family vacation up in the mountains on the 4th where fireworks are illegal so we don't have to endure this massive chaos in our neighborhood.

Give me nice, safe, quiet, glow sticks instead.  Had fun watching my kids being creative with them, but, still left me with a longing for Janessa and Hope to be here with us having fun with the glow sticks too. :`(

The Cemetery Then and Now

We went and decorated Janessa's grave for the 4th of July.   In years past I felt very odd bringing a camera out to the cemetery, but, this year it feels very natural and normal.  I love taking a picture of everyone's feet surrounding Janessa's grave.  It's a way to include her in family pictures in a weird sort of way.  

In the past I would take all these beautiful decorations out every holiday and decorate her grave, then go back out a couple days later to pick it all up so it wouldn't be thrown away and I would visit her grave at least every other week.  Now my husband and I go once a month as one of our date nights--terrible thing to do on a date night, but, it is our new normal now so it is okay.  I save all the beautiful decorations to put around their memorial stones in our yard now where I can enjoy them and leave them up for as long as I want.  For the cemetery I just keep it simple--usually just a pinwheel and a small stuffed teddy bear that I just leave.  It has really bothered me to go back and take things away from her grave this year.  I don't know its kind of like giving a gift to a living child and then a few days later requesting they give it back.  I have really enjoyed leaving these small colorful teddy bears that I got from oriental trade.  It makes me happy and brings me peace that part of me stays behind with her through this teddy bear to watch over her until I come out the next month. 

Before the cemetery was a really hard place to be at that just made me sad, now I like to mother her by decorating her grave and I like to just go sit by her grave.  I hadn't realized this before, but Janessa's grave has the same view of the mountains that I have at my house when I'm watching the sunrises and taking pinwheel pictures--that made me happy to know that.

Missing my precious little ballerina Janessa and my sweet princess Hope Abigail today on the 4th of July.  For some reason the past couple of months whenever we have gone somewhere together as a family and I'm doing my mommy count--6 does not feel like the right number.  I'm always feeling like there are people missing even though I know in my heart I can never have my complete 8 children all together.