Camping

Just got back from a camping trip. I am NOT a camper!!! Did not enjoy freezing at night, fighting bees and flys when I ate, sleeping on the ground with an air mattress that kept deflating, and being scared of moose that kept coming into our campsite!!! I did like getting away from all the stress of my normal life to just enjoy a little peace and joy in the quiet of the woods. I loved the stream that was next to our spot. I loved seeing the beautiful pine trees and seeing all the stars at night. There were a lot of beautiful butterflys up there and that was a hug from heaven from my angel babies to feel like they were there with us. There were two trees that looked like a wishbone so I knicknamed it the wishing tree and made tons of wishes as i stepped back and forth through it. And I left Janessa a little "nature" heart right next to the wishing trees.

The Wishing Tree 

I am the same age as the spot we stayed in!! 

Pneumonia 1 year later

Today it has been 1 year since my pneumonia hospital stay began. I can't believe a year has gone by. I still remember all of it like it was yesterday and that whole experience still haunts me.

Last year on this Sunday I couldn't teach my lesson for primary because I was so sick with the flu. I handed my lesson to my husband and he taught it for me, while I stayed home alone lying in front of the toilet and crying in despair because I felt so terrible. Part of me is grateful that we went to another ward for church today so I didn't have to relive all those memories. In fact while we were camping I didn't even think about it at all, it has been since I got home that all these memories have come flooding in.

Tuesday is when I tried to do school with my youngest, but, I was too weak to even get out of bed. My older kids made lunch and dinner and tried to help their younger sister while taking care of me. That evening I ended up in insta care where they gave me an IV for dehydration and a shot for my migraine headache and motion sickness pills.

On Wednesday of last year I couldn't keep anything down and my fever spiked to over 105 and I ended up in the emergency room with a diagnosis of pneumonia and a partially collapsed lung. I ended up staying there for 2 nights. It was awful.

It took me months to finally get my strength back. I still don't feel 100% even a year later. I still don't have the endurance strength that I use to have.

Loss of Friends

This was the part of grief that was so unexpected to me the loss of friends who literally walked away and left me alone or who said cruel things and I axed them from my life because they couldn't handle my grief. It made my grief even more intense. Thank you to the solid rock friends who have stood by my side, held my hand and just cried with me. Thank you to the new baby loss mommy friends whose paths have intermingled with mine and share this terrible grief with me.

LDSBC

Saw an article in the paper this morning about my old college and the building it use to be in being restored. This is where I went to college when it was LDS Business College. Kind of sad to see that they demolished the wing of classrooms on the east side. Relieved to see that the side of classrooms and offices where I worked for the Academic Dean while I was going to college is still intact--a whole lot of memories there. It was the most awesome and unique experience to go to school in an old mansion. Some of my classrooms were in the old bedrooms and I had 1 class (Economics with Mr. Anderson--ughh terribly boring class but awesome teacher) up on the top floor which was the old ballroom. I had an interior design class in the carriage house where the carriages and horses were kept in the past. Whenever we had dances they would move out all the desks and that is where they held them--it was awesome. Love all my memories from that college. I am happy that they are using the building again and it does look really neat restored to its old glory again. And, I'm also really excited that they are going to rent it out for public events like wedding receptions--would love in the future to have one of my daughters receptions there.

BEFORE--when I went there for college:

AFTER--now The Thomas S. Monson Center:

Memories from the Past

Found a hard memory from the past today as I was searching for a lid in one of my drawers and pulled out this lid that has been hiding in the back for the past 6 years. How do I know this--it has a piece of tape labeled Soup 3/10/10 written on it. This lid apparently held left overs from a meal that was brought in to my family from one of our neighbors after Janessa died.

So a good trigger memory of people helping us out, but, a hard trigger memory of seeing that date--3/10/10 that was the last day I saw my baby, the last day I held her, the last day I kissed her, the last time I whispered I love you as a nurse carried her away. I had no idea back then how much my life was about to change and that these days in March would haunt me for the rest of my life :`(

It will have to be Enough

Wish I had it in me to write all the names and light all the candles today for the Day of Hope, but, the motivation, desire, physical strength, and hope just isn't there for me today. This will just have to be a beautiful memory of things I did in the past. I do have my prayer flag with all the names hanging up in my living room and I will light candles under it tonight, but, that's all I got left in me today and it will have to be enough.

 Last Year

This Year

Happy 100th Birthday in Heaven Grandpa

Happy 100th Birthday

in Heaven

Grandpa!!

We Love You!!

We Miss You!!

This is a flower in my yard that came from a start from my Grandpa and Grandma's yard.

Day of Hope 2016

Remembering ALL Angel Children today 

on <3 The Day of Hope <3

HOPE is NOT pretending that troubles don't exist.  It's trust that they will NOT last forever, that hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome. It is faith that a source of strength and renewal lies within us to lead us through the dark to the Sunshine. 

Angel Hats for the Christmas Angel Tree

I've started working on the angel hats for the Christmas Angel Tree. I've added around 50 names to my Angel Tree list since last Christmas so I wanted to get a head start on them. I've got around 20 done so now only 30 more to go. <3

Janessa's New PinWheel

It's beginning to look like every year at this time I'm having to replace Janessa's pinwheel because it gets broken and fragile in the summer heat, storms, and wind.  Maybe in a strange sort of way this is how I get to take her out "school clothes" shopping like others get to do at this time of year for their alive children.  Hard to believe that this year Janessa would be in 1st grade and Hope would be starting kindergarten :`(

I Love her bright new pink pinwheel with bubbles all over it.

Needed my Baby Today

Had to take a break from my normal stressful life because I was feeling angry and upset and needed to be with my baby :`(