Meet Rachel

Meet Rachel 

In honor of her 9th birthday, Rachel asked friends and family to donate money to bring clean water to an African village and was close to meeting her goal of $300 when she died over the weekend after a car accident July 20, 2011, in Bellevue, Wash. In her memory, strangers have now made her dream come true many times over and by Wednesday afternoon, some 10,000 people had donated more than $400,000 to "charity: water."

I normally post these kindness in the news stories on my other blogs, but, this one has touched my heart because little Rachel has now joined our angel babies in Heaven.  I weep for her parents and their loss!  I rejoice that so many people have donated to make her last wish and dream come true.  This is truly a wonderful way to for people to honor her and remember her short life.  I was so touched by this story that I have made a pinwheel for Rachel to place in Janessa and Hope's pinwheel garden--she is like the "big angel sister" for all of our sweet angel babies.  I'm happy to have Rachel's pinwheel as the 60th pinwheel--Goodbye for now sweet Rachel.

To read the complete story click HERE

To see Rachel's website click HERE

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Letting Go

On one of my walls is the following quote "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to live the life that Heavenly Father has waiting for us."  This is so hard for me, because at times I don't like Heavenly Father's plan--I want my plan instead.  I'm coming to the point in my life though where it is time to "let go" of my plan and start moving forward on His plan.  I have been in the pregnancy/having babies stage of my life for the past 18 years--I'm finding it very hard to let go of this stage of my life.  I long to have a healthy alive rainbow baby, but, in my heart I feel this stage of my life is coming to a close now and it is time to let go of my plan and dream.  If Heavenly Father chooses to send us another baby I will welcome them with open arms and a happy heart, but, if not that is okay I'm choosing to let go and follow His plan now.  This is not an easy decision and one that I'm having to ease myself into one tiny step at a time.

So, part of easing myself onto His plan is being able to mother other things and give them the baby names I wanted to use.  So let me introduce you to some of my friends--I think you will recognize them because they are my little helpers as I take pinwheel pictures. 

First the baby names I wanted to use.  I only have one boy and more than anything I wanted another boy so my outnumbered son could have a brother.  Hopefully his sisters will choose good brother-in-laws for him.  These are the boy names I would have used.  Meet Daniel, Jason and Josiah.

Daniel

 Jason

 Josiah

Of course I probably would end up having another girl if I did have another baby so these are the girl names I would have used.  Meet Julianna and Grace.

Julianna

Julianna is named after one of my best friends Julie, who lost her wonderful husband Steven in a car accident 2 years ago, 9 months before Janessa died.  Little did I know as I watched her struggle with her grief while I was pregnant that God was preparing both of us to be able to empathize with each other and help each other in ways that no one else could.  Thank you Julie for helping me and being my buddy on this unwanted grief journey we both have been forced to take.

 Grace



Now on to the names of people who have given me courage and been wonderful examples to me.

Genesis

Genesis is the Angel Baby of Tiffany a BLM friend who's blog Names on the Sidewalk helped inspire me to want to reach out and help other BLM by writing the names of angel babies on pinwheels.  If I hadn't discovered Tiffany's blog at a time when I was falling into a deep depression on my grief journey and I hadn't have felt the joy I did  when she sent me Janessa's name written in chalk Pinwheels from Heaven probably would have never been created.  Thank you Tiffany for the example you set for me and the kindness you have shown me.

 Sarita

 Sarita is a BLM to a precious angel named Meredith.  Sarita has shown great kindness to me and she will never know how much she has helped me on my grief journey.  I am honored to call Sarita my friend! :)

Patrea

Patrea is another best friend.  We met in high school and she has kept in touch with me.  She has continued to stay by me through all my losses and has never abandoned me even though I'm sure she didn't quite know what to say or do.  She chose not to walk away or do nothing, she chose to tell me over and over how much she cared about me and was praying for me.  She let me tell her about my angels and all my frustrations.  She is the poster child for what a "Real Friend" should be like.  Thank you Patrea!!!! :)

Amelia

 

 Amelia is for two precious angels whom I've done pinwheels for, Amelia Rose and her mommy Stephanie, and Amelia Grace and her mommy Melissa.  Both of these ladies have been examples and inspiration to me.  Their Angels lives have interconnected with my Angel Janessa--Amelia Rose went to Heaven 2 days after Janessa and Amelia Grace's parents found out on the day we buried our Angel Janessa that their sweet Amelia had Anencephaly; a fatal neural tube defect. 

Orlan

Orlan is named after my husbands sweet grandpa who passed away a week before we got married.  Orlan had the insight to buy extra buriel plots around he and his wifes grave that we were given to use for Janessa.  It brings me great peace to know that she is buried next to her Great Grandma and Grandpa and not all alone in a random cemetery.

Maxxton

Maxxton and Carter are sweet Angel Babies of my 2 BLM Friends Rachel and Lindsay who I met at my SHARE grief class.  I met them at a time in my grief journey when I was really struggling and they have continued to support me when I loss my rainbow baby Hope.  I treasure their friendship! :)

 

 Carter

Lucas

Lucas in the precious Angel Baby of my friend Sara who I met through Silent Grief.  I cried when I read her experience about losing Lucas.  Have you ever met people in your life who you considered "Kindred Spirits"--well, Sara is a Kindred Spirit and I have no doubt that her little Lucas is a friend to my Janessa and Hope--playmates in Heaven.  I am honored to have Sara as a friend.

 

Christy

Christy is a BLM of her precious Angel Declan.  Christy's blog inspired me also to create PinWheels From Heaven.  I treasure the words and feelings she shares on her blog that have helped me on my not so good days.  Christy is a TRUE FRIEND!

59 PinWheels

And of course last but certainly not least, I mother the PinWheels in Janessa and Hopes Pinwheel Garden that represent 59 Precious Angel Babies.  I am inspired and find peace and courage as I think about each Angel Baby and their Mommy and Daddies.  I am honored to have met you and to call each of you my friend!  I feel so blessed to have this opportunity to write angel baby names on pinwheels.  I truly feel Heavenly Father's guidance as I take each picture and I have truly felt that He has a special love for each BLM and their Angel Babies.  He is very aware of each of us--We are His precious Daughters and Sons--He weeps with us, loves us and He will never leave us all alone.  He will carry us when the grief path gets too hard.

Yes, I'm slowly "letting go" to trust Him and His plan now.  I'm NOT "getting over" or "moving on" from my grief! I will NEVER get over my grief or forget my precious angels Janessa and Hope, but, I'm learning to get through and move forward with the grief.  I hope one day to fully accept what has happened and be able to make this grief a beautiful part of my lifes picture.

I feel true joy, peace, and happiness for all the BLM's I know who are either trying to get pregnant with their rainbow baby, are currently pregnant with their rainbow baby, or have had their rainbow baby! :)  I pray Heavenly Father will bless each one of you and your precious rainbow babies.  My dream of a rainbow baby will now live on through you--give them an extra hug and kiss from me.   :)

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Justice Miles PinWheel

Justice's Mommy creates beautiful "Soul Certificates" for Angel Babies, see her site at

http://justiceforallcertificates.yolasite.com/

Dakota Blakely's PinWheel

Angel Bears Visit to Devils Tower Wyoming

Okay, I have to admit that I really wasn't expecting much when we planned to visit Devils Tower on our vacation.  I knew it was a large rock that was used as a landmark for pioneers coming west and that it was considered a sacred place to the Native Americans.  I was blown away when I saw it from a distance and awe struck seeing it up close.  They had a trail you hiked around the entire base of Devils Tower that was very relaxing and peaceful.  This became one of my favorite places that we visited on our vacation.

When I told my kids that I was going to be wearing 2 different colored neon shoelaces I got 2 reactions--horror and embarrassment that they were not going to claim me as their Mom and they were going to walk far ahead of me or behind me and  kids that thought it was AWESOME so they put in different colored shoelaces too.  The story behind the shoelaces:  I felt bad that my two angel babies weren't going to be with us on this vacation so I wanted a way to represent them.  So, the pink lace is for Janessa and the yellow lace is for Hope.  Every where I went I was taking steps for my two precious Angel Babies.

I enjoyed those laces so much and what they represent that I haven't changed them even though it's been over a month since our vacation.  So if your in Utah and in a store and see a lady walking around with 2 different neon colored shoelaces, don't worry, it's just me!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Hope's Soul Certificate

I received this beautiful Soul Certificate from a BLM.  I fought to get a stillborn birth certificate for Janessa, but I felt bad that there would never be any recognition for Hope until I found this Mommy of an Angels website.  This means so much to me to have someone recognize my little Hope Abigail as a person--not a mass of cells--a worthwhile soul in the eyes of Heavenly Father.  If you would like a Soul Certificate for your Angel please visit Justice For All .

Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. (Doctrine and Covenants 17:10)



Angel Siblings Pinwheels

Liberty, Elijah, Eden, Journey

Liberty John

Elijah Lee

 

Eden Sky

Journey Peace

Angel Sisters

Angel Baby Amelia Rose's Mommy, Stephanie, (Beyond Words Designs) created this beautiful painting for me of my two angel babies, Janessa and Hope in Heaven holding hands. 

Eternal Angel Sisters



Stephanie creates amazing art work as a way for you to have something else to grasp onto in remembering your sweet angel baby.  Check out her website at Beyond Words Designs. 

Friends

Friends--this is a hard word for me now.  I've lost a lot of my old friends since I acquired my new title of BLM (Baby Loss Mommy) because they didn't know what to say to me and they couldn't accept the new person I have become--they want the old Shauna back and she is gone forever.  I found out who my true friends really were because they continued to stay in touch with me and have helped me along this grief journey even when I got really onery and depressed they didn't abandon me.  They continue to remember my angel babies and let me talk about them and don't pretend they never existed.  You are TRUE EVERLASTING FRIENDS!

I have made a lot of new friends also.  Some of these friends I have never met face to face, but, we share a common characteristic--we are all BLM's and are grieving our Angels in Heaven.  Some of these friends I have made going to my SHARE Grief classes.  I am so very grateful for all of my BLM friends.  You will never know how much you have helped me make it through each day.  You will never know what comfort it is to know that there are other women out there who truly understand this grief pain. You are TRUE EVERLASTING FRIENDS!

I received a card in the mail the other day from another BLM.  Just a little note to say she cared--it meant so much to me especially now as I have been having a really hard time coping with the loss of my angel baby Hope.

Sometimes in this grief journey I have felt so alone and cried out in pain "Where are my Friends?"  I felt so abandoned--so alone--so unable to cope by myself with all this pain.  It was at those times that Heavenly Father wrapped me in his arms and cried with me.  It was at those times when He brought people into my life who became my "Friends".

Friend is almost a sacred and special word to me now because it is a special title and role that people have.

A Friend knows everything about you, but, likes you anyway.

A Friend walks in when the rest of the world walks away.

Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

A Friend is God's way of showing us we don't have to walk alone.

Good Friends are like Angels you don't have to see them to know they are there!

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Remembrance Wall

This is my remembrance wall.  This is the wall that 16 months ago was decorated in anticipation of Janessa's arrival to our home and where the bassinette stood waiting to hold our newest bundle of joy.  On March 9th all of those plans changed dramatically.  The wall was undecorated of the cute baby graphics and instead decorated with I love you pictures from my children instead--the bassinette was packed away only to hold dust instead of Janessa, a pink coffin at the cemetery got that responsibility.  This wall was a constant reminder of what should have been.

3 months ago this wall was redecorated again.  The I love you pictures gently removed and placed in Janessa's rememberance box and new pictures of Janessa's name lovingly written by other Mommy of Angels were hung instead.  I eagerly awaited Dec. when I could put the bassinette back in it's appointed place and looked forward to seeing my new rainbow baby gaze at the beautiful pictures of her big Angel Sisters name.  In May those plans were again changed--no new baby to look forward to, but, an new Angel Name--Hope Abigail --to add to the wall instead.  The bassinette still sits empty, I guess never to return to this wall but to remain collecting and holding dust forever.

This wall has a new purpose in my life now--a way to remember and reflect and find peace as I look at the names of my two angel babies.  It still brings be sadness when I think of what should be by this wall, but, I'm grateful to have a way to remember my angel babies and it makes me happy to know that others remember them too.

 Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Hope Abigail--2 Months since we said Goodbye

Today has been a hard day.  I have just felt numb remembering my miscarriage.  I had to get out of here so I took one of my good friends to the movie "Monte Carlo" to celebrate her 40th birthday.  This was such a cute and sweet show just the thing I needed to put my overwhelming feelings of grief aside for just a while.  I almost cried when one of the main characters, Meg, is talking about her grief over her mom's death and how she feels like she is stuck and doesn't know how to move on with her life--I can relate!  She also talks about when her Mom dies and how everyone is all nice and kind and all she wants to do is scream--again I can relate!  I cheered her on when she was finally able to scream at the top of her lungs at the top of a mountain.

It's really hard to move forward on unwanted anniversary days.

I lit a candle and put a lighted glow stick flower by Hope's  rememberance stone in honor of my sweet Angel Baby Hope Abigail.  It's been 2 months since we said goodbye and you went to heaven to be with your big sister Janessa.  I miss you both so much!  Love Mommy. <3 <3

Janessa Marie's PinWheel

Janessa Marie's Mommy creates beautiful butterflys out of your Angel Babies Footprints see her at http://butterflyfootprints.blogspot.com/

The Black Fingernails are Back

The black fingernails have come back out--I know it's not very patriotic.  I have been an emotional mess the past couple of days and I couldn't figure out why until I looked at the calendar and realized it was the 1st of the month and I am reliving all the memories of that week before my miscarriage.  I am sad with all the memories and heartbroken that I would have been 18 weeks pregnant and would have started feeling my baby move--something I really looked forward to.  Now I sit here feeling very empty with this silent grief.  I don't know if it would be better or worse if more people knew I had a miscarriage.   I just know today I feel as awful as my black sparkly fingernails look.

Janessa's Angel Friends Picture

Okay, I've been kind of down today trying to adjust to life being home from vacation and it is a little depressing.  My 5 year old went out and made chalk drawings on the sidewalk of Janessa and all her "Angel Friends"  that made me smile.  So, to all the BLM's here is a picture of your angel playing with their friend, Janessa. :)