2 Precious Gifts

I have been given 2 precious gifts to help me through the remainder of this year and to help me through 2018.

The first gift is a picture that I had a progression artist create for me of what my Angel Baby Janessa would look like at the age of 8 which is how old she would be turning on her birthday next year. This is going to be a really hard b-day for me to get through because she would have been baptized. It is going to be torture to watch all the kids in her primary class be recognized all through the year in church after they are baptized.

In our family we have a tradition that the girls each wore the same white dress after their baptism, 4 of my living 5 girls have each worn this dress. The progression artist used pictures of all of us and Janessa's baby picture to create this picture and she drew Janessa in that baptism dress. It turned out so incredibly beautiful. It brought both my husband and I to tears when we received it because it has given us a way to have Janessa back through this picture.

The second gift is the announcement from my daughter and my son-in-law that they are expecting a baby in June of next year. I get to add the title of GRANDMA to my name and that is AWESOME!!!! I am so excited to meet you <3 Baby Bartlome!!!   

I am so grateful for these tender mercies for next year. 

I'm also kind of scared to hold my grandbaby because of my PTSD.  My grief counselor has warned me that I will probably be upset seeing my grandbaby--that is just a part of my life now--it will be healing, but, it will also hurt a lot.  That makes me angry that that is part of my life too.  With every joy, there will always be sorrow as the tag along.  Learning to accept this and not fight it will be my goal.  I hope that people will be understanding if I cry seeing and holding my grandchild and also if I have to leave the room to just take some deep breaths.  My daughters pregnancy has already been a little hard as I have worried constantly for the first 12  weeks that she would miscarry.  I've had to tape my mouth shut to not say things to scare her because I "know too much and what can happen" now and I don't want to take her naive feelings away from her.  Now that she is in her 2nd trimester I don't worry quite as much, but, now I move into the worry about the fun ultrasound to reveal gender, but, which also reveals if there is problems with the baby.  I worry about stillborn babies now because I know there is NO Safe zone in pregnancy. 

It is really hard to balance being the excited Grandma with the know too much Grieving Mother of angel babies.

Merry Christmas Angel Babies

Merry Christmas to my precious angel babies

Janessa, Hope, Jason, & Rae Anne!!

<3 <3 <3 <3

Merry Christmas to ALL Angel Babies!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

((HUGS)) to Baby Loss Parents--may this day be gentle on you and may you find moments of peace and joy.

Missing My Babies

SnowHearts For Christmas

I was so happy to get a little bit of snow yesterday so I could make a giant snowheart for all angel babies and a giant snowheart for Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne for Christmas.

Decorating Janessa's Grave for Christmas

I was happy to see that all the decorations for Thanksgiving were still on Janessa's grave.  The bright flowers really stood out and I'm happy that she has had the little solar lights lighting her grave every night for a month.  I was also happy because I forgot to bring a pinwheel and solar lights so I just reused them for this time.

We picked the wrong day and time to go decorate Janessa's grave.  Problem is today is the only weekend day I get off from my parents before Christmas so we didn't really have a choice.  I really don't like standing in the middle of a snowstorm freezing trying to decorate her grave.  It makes me angry and really upset and very depressed and sad at times like these knowing that this is one of our families traditions now and that instead of having presents under the tree for Janessa I decorate her grave instead.  In the middle of a snowstorm that option really sucks and feels so unfair. 

Everything about this year and Christmas seems to be really upsetting to me.  Familiar traditions have to be changed or set aside as we split up the time Christmas Eve and Christmas Day because we have very little to no cna help on those days.  Honestly I just want the holidays over and this stinking year to just end because I've had enough of it--I am so so tired of all the stress and worry.

What I really want for Christmas????  To have Janessa, Jason, Hope, and Rae Anne back even if it is just for one day.  I would like my Dad to be completely healed and to leap out of bed on Christmas morning fully able to take care of himself and life goes back to normal, or just that his mind will be cleared so that he can communicate with us and he can eat normally again.  All empty hopes and dreams--the same I've had for the past 8 years.

Hope's EDD

Remembering You

Hope Abigail

on your EDD

12/03/2011

December Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of December!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Decorating Janessa's Grave for Thanksgiving

Went out to decorate Janessa's grave today.  It was freezing cold!  Was sad to see that they had cleaned up all the halloween decorations and that all the fall leaves that were out there a couple of weeks ago were gone.  Still makes me sad to be out at the cemetery at holidays.  This is our 8th year of decorating her grave for Thanksgiving.  I'm grateful to be able to have a way to mother her for Thanksgiving by decorating her grave, but, I will never be thankful that she is out there instead of home safe with us for Thanksgiving.