Happy New Year--WELCOME 2014!!!
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Goodbye 2013--Hello 2014 :)
Just knit 2 little hats to represent the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014. The 2013 hat is a multitude of wild and crazy colors each representing the sad and happy things that happened this year. The 2014 hat is a mixture of calm blue colors representing Hope and New Beginnings it also represents my 2 sons--turquoise for my living son and the darker blue mixture for Jason.
2014--A Year of Hope, Light and Sunshine, and of New Beginnings
Last year I wrote that I wanted 2013 to be a year of Acceptance and I truly feel like through my counseling that I am working my way through that. I feel that I have accepted Janessa and Hope's deaths and that I can honor and remember them and miss and mourn them while still feeling joy and happiness. I am still working on accepting Jason's death, but, he was not something that I expected to happen in 2013--he was my surprise little miracle and it has been very difficult to have that little miracle be taken away.
My dreams and hopes and goals for 2014 is that it will be a year of Hope, Light and Sunshine, and a year of New Chapters and New Beginnings in my book of life.
Hope:
My dreams and hopes and goals for 2014 is that it will be a year of Hope, Light and Sunshine, and a year of New Chapters and New Beginnings in my book of life.
Hope:
Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist, It's the trust that they will not last forever, that hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome, It is faith that a source of strength and renewal lies within to lead us through the dark to the sunshine.
Light and Sunshine:
I will continue to look for "hug from heaven" moments on a daily basis to find my sunshine healing. I will look for my babies in the sunrises and sunsets. I will continue to be a light for others and help them along this very hard grief path through my pinwheel pictures. I will continue to look for the light of healing through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and allow them to guide my path.
New Chapters and New Beginnings in my Book of Life:
It is finally time to close the chapter of my life of being pregnant and having babies. My doctor told me after I miscarried Jason that because of my health history and age that I only have a 10-20% chance of getting pregnant and then if I did manage to become pregnant I then had a 50% chance of having another miscarriage or stillborn baby--I just can not live my life anymore waiting for another positive pregnancy test. I do not think I could cope with another loss baby it would be too much for me. I have been writing these pregnancy/baby chapters for the last 20 years of my life--it is time for them to end and a new chapter to begin. I have enjoyed these chapters even though the last 3 chapters have ended badly. I will always wish I had ended these years of my life with an alive rainbow baby and that will just be another sorrow and grief I will have to deal with. Before me stands blank and empty pages I am fearful and excited to begin to start writing them. This stage of my life will be the raising of my alive children and hopefully in about 5-10 years the addition of another title for me of "Grandma". I am hoping that this next year I can add pet owner of a Siberian Kitten to my title and that I can find some comfort, friendship and healing through a cat to help me deal with the empty-nest syndrome as my alive children grow up and begin lives of their own.
Peace, Hope, Joy, and Healing are what I am striving for in 2014.
My name wall has now become my Wall of Hope and Light.
My name wall has now become my Wall of Hope and Light.
Monday, December 30, 2013
The top 13 of 2013
Newspapers always like to do a top ten of the news stories for the year at the end of the year so I decided to do a top 13 of the things that have happened in my life for 2013 so here goes:
#13 We finally painted our Living Room, Kitchen and Hallway. We had to do it in phases so it took all year to get it done and our house looked pretty strange for part of the year having half the ceiling brown and the other half white, but, oh well it looks awesome!! We added word wall stickers that were awful to put on the wall but they look terrific now. I still haven't got all my pictures put back up in the hallway and kitchen yet--maybe next year!
#12 It was a year of everything breaking--our exercise machines, microwave, crockpot, vacuum, pancake grill, dishwasher, 2 printers, camera, van, suburban, and furnace and AC. Really hoping next year everything stays together--fingers crossed.
#11 Patch the bear came to visit over Valentines Day and we had fun taking him to the cemetery and hanging out with the pinwheels before he left to go to Tossie's Family.
#10 3 of my good friends and neighbors sold their houses and moved. This has been really hard for me. I really miss you Aimee, Julie, and Jorjeane! <3 <3 <3
#9 Being called to teach a hard class in primary with my husband as a team teacher. Another thing I wanted to add here is creating a face book account. It has been amazing to interact on a daily and almost instant basis with my baby loss mommy friends--that has been a real help in my healing process. I have loved having PinWheels From Heaven on face book so that I can post pictures more easily and interact more easily. Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads blogs anymore but me.
#8 Our Family vacation to Logan/Bear Lake. Favorite part was stopping at the rest stop and being able to take all those beautiful pictures of the angel name rocks with the bear and Bear Lake in the background.
#7 Finally getting a chance to go on an anniversary trip to Park City by ourselves.
#6 Creating the Easter Angel Tree. Doing over 200 Pinwheel Pictures. Creating the Pinwheel Healing Field. Making a giant heart with the pinwheels for Janessa's 3rd Angel B-day. Getting a chance to create Prayer Flags for Janessa and Hope and all of the Angel Babies for the day of Remembrance and Hope. Writing all the names on the sidewalk and lighting candles by them for the day of Remembrance and Hope on Aug. 19th.
#5 Finally feeling okay being at the cemetery and being okay only visiting once a month and feeling okay to take pictures at the cemetery to include Janessa in our family pictures. I have loved decorating her grave with a teddy bear and pinwheel each month. I have loved taking pictures of our family and their feet and hands over her grave. And I have loved the pictures of my husband and I and our feet and fingers making a heart over her headstone.
#4 Having a mouse in our house over Thanksgiving Weekend.
#3 Going in to counseling every month and finally being able to release all those emotions I had bottled up. Finally getting to talk to someone who didn't judge me or criticize me but was understanding and helped me know it was okay to feel like I did and helped me understand my feelings. Having her help me find the courage to go to Trauma Counseling for my PTSD. Being able and feeling okay with switching my neon yellow and pink shoelace to be sparkly black with small neon pink, yellow and blue bows instead.
#2 Working with my trauma counselor, Marlene, in doing EMDR Therapy and finally being able to cope with all the things that use to cause trigger pain for me. Finally being able to accept Janessa and Hope's deaths and realizing that for me my rainbow healing was not going to come from a rainbow baby, but, would come from everyday hug from heaven moments, small moments of peace--like a daily jig saw puzzle that I am putting together 1 piece at a time. I will not find that complete rainbow healing or finish this giant jig saw puzzle until the day that I am finally reunited with Janessa, Hope, and Jason.
#1 Definitely getting a positive pregnancy test after 2 years of trying. Feeling such joy and happiness even through all the yucky morning sickness and tiredness. The excitement of planning and dreaming of a baby to come in April. The absolute terror and then peace and joy and healing tears of seeing Jason on the ultrasound and seeing his little heart beating. The fun of telling our children and of all of us nicknaming him MaHyrum--the brother of Hyrum and all the weird things that I craved--sour gummy worms, pickles, orange juice, potato chips, onion rings. The fear of starting to spot. The absolute heartbreak of hearing again "I'm so sorry there is no heartbeat your baby is gone." And then the quick and fast miscarriage and being able to hold him for the last time. The joy and sorrow of sharing Jason's life for 12 precious weeks.
2013 has definitely been eventful and full of things I never expected. I would kind of like 2014 to be more calm and definitely no more grief and death added to what I already have. Goodbye 2013!
#13 We finally painted our Living Room, Kitchen and Hallway. We had to do it in phases so it took all year to get it done and our house looked pretty strange for part of the year having half the ceiling brown and the other half white, but, oh well it looks awesome!! We added word wall stickers that were awful to put on the wall but they look terrific now. I still haven't got all my pictures put back up in the hallway and kitchen yet--maybe next year!
#12 It was a year of everything breaking--our exercise machines, microwave, crockpot, vacuum, pancake grill, dishwasher, 2 printers, camera, van, suburban, and furnace and AC. Really hoping next year everything stays together--fingers crossed.
#11 Patch the bear came to visit over Valentines Day and we had fun taking him to the cemetery and hanging out with the pinwheels before he left to go to Tossie's Family.
#10 3 of my good friends and neighbors sold their houses and moved. This has been really hard for me. I really miss you Aimee, Julie, and Jorjeane! <3 <3 <3
#9 Being called to teach a hard class in primary with my husband as a team teacher. Another thing I wanted to add here is creating a face book account. It has been amazing to interact on a daily and almost instant basis with my baby loss mommy friends--that has been a real help in my healing process. I have loved having PinWheels From Heaven on face book so that I can post pictures more easily and interact more easily. Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads blogs anymore but me.
#8 Our Family vacation to Logan/Bear Lake. Favorite part was stopping at the rest stop and being able to take all those beautiful pictures of the angel name rocks with the bear and Bear Lake in the background.
#7 Finally getting a chance to go on an anniversary trip to Park City by ourselves.
#6 Creating the Easter Angel Tree. Doing over 200 Pinwheel Pictures. Creating the Pinwheel Healing Field. Making a giant heart with the pinwheels for Janessa's 3rd Angel B-day. Getting a chance to create Prayer Flags for Janessa and Hope and all of the Angel Babies for the day of Remembrance and Hope. Writing all the names on the sidewalk and lighting candles by them for the day of Remembrance and Hope on Aug. 19th.
#5 Finally feeling okay being at the cemetery and being okay only visiting once a month and feeling okay to take pictures at the cemetery to include Janessa in our family pictures. I have loved decorating her grave with a teddy bear and pinwheel each month. I have loved taking pictures of our family and their feet and hands over her grave. And I have loved the pictures of my husband and I and our feet and fingers making a heart over her headstone.
#4 Having a mouse in our house over Thanksgiving Weekend.
#3 Going in to counseling every month and finally being able to release all those emotions I had bottled up. Finally getting to talk to someone who didn't judge me or criticize me but was understanding and helped me know it was okay to feel like I did and helped me understand my feelings. Having her help me find the courage to go to Trauma Counseling for my PTSD. Being able and feeling okay with switching my neon yellow and pink shoelace to be sparkly black with small neon pink, yellow and blue bows instead.
#2 Working with my trauma counselor, Marlene, in doing EMDR Therapy and finally being able to cope with all the things that use to cause trigger pain for me. Finally being able to accept Janessa and Hope's deaths and realizing that for me my rainbow healing was not going to come from a rainbow baby, but, would come from everyday hug from heaven moments, small moments of peace--like a daily jig saw puzzle that I am putting together 1 piece at a time. I will not find that complete rainbow healing or finish this giant jig saw puzzle until the day that I am finally reunited with Janessa, Hope, and Jason.
#1 Definitely getting a positive pregnancy test after 2 years of trying. Feeling such joy and happiness even through all the yucky morning sickness and tiredness. The excitement of planning and dreaming of a baby to come in April. The absolute terror and then peace and joy and healing tears of seeing Jason on the ultrasound and seeing his little heart beating. The fun of telling our children and of all of us nicknaming him MaHyrum--the brother of Hyrum and all the weird things that I craved--sour gummy worms, pickles, orange juice, potato chips, onion rings. The fear of starting to spot. The absolute heartbreak of hearing again "I'm so sorry there is no heartbeat your baby is gone." And then the quick and fast miscarriage and being able to hold him for the last time. The joy and sorrow of sharing Jason's life for 12 precious weeks.
2013 has definitely been eventful and full of things I never expected. I would kind of like 2014 to be more calm and definitely no more grief and death added to what I already have. Goodbye 2013!
Andrew, Benjamin, & Caleb's Angel Birthdays Dec. 30
Happy Angel Birthday
Andrew,
Benjamin,
&
Caleb!!!
<3 <3 <3
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Friday, December 27, 2013
The Orange Bear
I think my little angels were playing at the cemetery today. There has been a little orange bear on Janessa's grave since Halloween--this is the longest anything has survived at her grave. This poor little bear has been sitting there faithfully guarding her grave through rainstorms and snowstorms. We've found him buried deep in the snow and frozen with ice to her headstone. Each time we brush off the snow and ice--warm him up a bit and then gently put him back as her guardian bear.
Today I think my little daredevil angel Jason decided his mommy needed to laugh so I can see him convincing his wise and serious older sister Janessa that they should put the bear upside down on the gravestone so it looked like it was doing push ups. I can see Janessa getting upset and telling him it was a bad idea and that it was going to make Mommy upset and cry and Jason objecting saying no it won't watch and see. Little Hope is just trying to stay out of the argument. I see all 3 of them gathered around her gravestone watching as my husband and I sadly and slowly make our way towards them. Janessa is holding her breath and getting ready to jump in and give me an angel hug if I get upset.
My view of all of this: I was upset going to pick up all of the Christmas decorations at Janessa's grave--I hate taking things away. When we got there and I saw that little orange bear looking like he was doing push ups I burst out laughing. Then I felt bad for laughing at a cemetery, but, it was really funny!
Now I can see Jason playfully hitting Janessa and saying see I told you so--I knew she would think it was funny!!
Thank you my little mischief maker Jason for helping me laugh and helping make a sad and hard chore a lot easier today! <3 My sweet little Hope Abigail sorry you're caught in the middle of those two--hang in there you are the peacemaker <3 My precious little Janessa thank you for thinking of me--it's okay Jason is just like your older brother Hyrum--always looking at the comical side of life--thanks for trying to keep him in line and for being such a great older sister. <3 I Love and Miss all three of you!
Today I think my little daredevil angel Jason decided his mommy needed to laugh so I can see him convincing his wise and serious older sister Janessa that they should put the bear upside down on the gravestone so it looked like it was doing push ups. I can see Janessa getting upset and telling him it was a bad idea and that it was going to make Mommy upset and cry and Jason objecting saying no it won't watch and see. Little Hope is just trying to stay out of the argument. I see all 3 of them gathered around her gravestone watching as my husband and I sadly and slowly make our way towards them. Janessa is holding her breath and getting ready to jump in and give me an angel hug if I get upset.
My view of all of this: I was upset going to pick up all of the Christmas decorations at Janessa's grave--I hate taking things away. When we got there and I saw that little orange bear looking like he was doing push ups I burst out laughing. Then I felt bad for laughing at a cemetery, but, it was really funny!
Now I can see Jason playfully hitting Janessa and saying see I told you so--I knew she would think it was funny!!
Thank you my little mischief maker Jason for helping me laugh and helping make a sad and hard chore a lot easier today! <3 My sweet little Hope Abigail sorry you're caught in the middle of those two--hang in there you are the peacemaker <3 My precious little Janessa thank you for thinking of me--it's okay Jason is just like your older brother Hyrum--always looking at the comical side of life--thanks for trying to keep him in line and for being such a great older sister. <3 I Love and Miss all three of you!
<3 <3 <3
Janessa's Grave Through the Year 2013
This has been the first year that I have felt comfortable taking pictures at Janessa Grave and I have loved all the pictures we took this year. It has been a way to include Janessa in our family pictures. In fact for my family picture and Christmas cards this year I included some of these pictures of us at her gravesite. It will probably be look weird and strange to others when they see it and maybe make them feel uncomfortable, but, for our family this is our "normal" life now. I also love how I can spell Hope and Jason's name on her headstone too so when I do take pictures at the cemetery I am including them too.
Here is Janessa's Cemetery Pictures for the year 2013:
Here is Janessa's Cemetery Pictures for the year 2013:
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