A Ride on The Slide

Remember as a kid how fun the playground slides were.  I remember one park that my parents use to take us to that had a long slide that was at the top of a small hill.  It was scary being at the top and looking down to the bottom. My heart would race as I started sliding down, but, halfway through the thrill and excitement would kick in and I'd be all smiles reaching the end of the slide and running up that hill to do it all over again!  I admit I still go down slides with my kids but, it just isn't the same when you sit down to go down and your already half way down the slide before you even start!!

I've been thinking about pregnancy as a big long slide.  I've gone down that slide 8 times now, 6 times I had an enjoyable ride and got the bonus at the end (a baby), 2 times I fell off the slide before I reached the end, with Janessa I almost reached the end and then fell off and with Hope I barely got started before I fell off.  It just makes me really sad to think that my days of going down the slide may be over.  I long to go down just 1 more time just to prove to myself that I can make it to the end, but, I can't seem to ever make it up the ladder now.  At times I think I am too tired, too old or too frightened  to go down that slide again and I just want to go back up the slide on my last two attempts and just finish the ride with Janessa and Hope.  I know I will get to finish that ride some day in Heaven, but, not now and that makes me happy/sad.  I'm trying to be content watching others go down that slide, to encourage those who can't seem to even make it to the top of the slide, to help those who fall off anywhere going down the slide, and cheer on those who complete a successful ride.

Maybe it's time for me to let go of the slide and try out the swings.  The swings don't look as fun as the slide, but, maybe they have their own pleasure that I haven't discovered yet.  I'm trying to walk towards the swings, but, my heart is still back on the slide.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Nevaeh Elizabeth-Rae's PinWheel

Catherine Elizabeth's PinWheel

Kaison's Angel Birthday March 27

Happy Angel Birthday

Kaison!

Riley's Angel Birthday March 26

Happy Angel Birthday

Riley!

Carli Hope's Angel Birthday March 26

Happy Angel Birthday

Carli Hope!

Remembering Janessa

I was messing around with tickers again and I decided since I never did a ticker when I was pregnant with Janessa that I wanted to experience what it would have been like so I made a ticker that is counting down to the  2nd Anniversary of her Due Date April 4th.  Today it says 10 days to go--Oh how I wish I would have gotten this 2 years ago and that I was anxiously counting down the days until I got to see her alive and well. 

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a ticker for Heaven that gave us the exact amount of days until we got to see our angel babies again?!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Kaia Nicole's Angel Birthday March 25

Happy Angel Birthday

Kaia Nicole!

Gaelen's Angel Birthday March 24

Happy Angel Birthday

Gaelen!

Happy 1 Year Birthday PinWheels From Heaven!! March 23

I can't believe it has been a year since I started this blog.  I started it last year because I wanted a way to reach out and in a small way help other BLM's and I didn't want Janessa's pinwheel to be all alone in my flower garden.  WOW, I never expected a year later for her pinwheel to be surrounded by 91 other pinwheels!  This has been an amazing journey.  Each pinwheel picture has been unique and special just like the angel babies they represent.  I have been overwhelmed with the peace that creating these pinwheel pictures has brought into my life.  I never expected to actually be a blogger who wrote posts, but, this blog has been a life saver to me as I have been able to express all my feelings of sorrow, heartache, joy, and peace that I have experienced this past year.

Happy 1 Year Birthday

PinWheels From Heaven!!

This is how Janessa's Pinwheel Garden looked last year:

This is how it looks this year (notice that Hope's broken pinwheel has been replaced with a big rainbow pinwheel.  I was hoping to get the same design because it had holographic rainbows on her last one, but I couldn't find one like it:

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Triplet Angel Brothers PinWheels

Triplet Angel Brothers

Andrew Noah, Benjamin Levi, Caleb Thomas

Andrew Noah's PinWheel

Benjamin Levi's PinWheel

Caleb Thomas's PinWheel



Calypso's PinWheel

Happy St. Patricks Day My Little Angels

Happy St. Patricks Day

Janessa & Hope!

I Love You!



Genesis' Angel Birthday March 16

Happy Angel Birthday

Genesis!

Remembering, Regrets, and Relief

Today is another "hard" memory day for me.  March 15, 2010, was the grave-side service for Janessa at the cemetery.  I wish I had taken pictures of her little pink coffin and all the beautiful flowers, especially the floral arrangement tht was on her casket which was full of pink roses, carnations and lillies--I regret that now.  I have nothing but some of the ribbon and 2 of the roses that were in that beautiful floral arrangement. But, at least I have those items and I still have the memories of seeing that little pink coffin and remembering our family holding hands in a circle around it as we said our final goodbye.

I regret not holding or seeing Janessa at the mortuary.  I regret I wasn't the one who dressed her in her beautiful burial gown, I regret I didn't kiss her one last time and that it wasn't me who put her in her coffin. But, at least I have pictures of her in the hospital and I have memories of holding her and seeing her at the hospital and I have pictures of the burial gown and the items we had the mortician put in the coffin with her. 

Sometimes it is really hard remembering and regretting on these hard days, but, I'm trying to find relief by looking at the things that I do have this year.  I'll hand all those regrets over to Heavenly Father and let him help me remember, relive, and find relief instead.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

My Projects

I was excited as I was working on taking pinwheel pictures to discover that the first of my spring flowers are starting to open up--Yaaaa--spring has finally arrived!!!!

I was not happy to discover that the rotten strong wind we had has totally broken Hope's big pinwheel. :(

I've only had the pinwheels outside for less than a week so this really worrys me because my front flower garden is right in a wind tunnel, which is good because it makes the pinwheels spin, but, it is also bad because it sometimes blows really hard and ruins the pinwheels.

I've got some projects in the works to solve this problem, I hope.  My first project is to make a permanent pinwheel garden on my front patio below my bay window.  I'm going to move them into flower boxes and arrange them around a wishing well I have.  This area still gets wind so the pinwheels will still blow, but, they will be more protected from the strong wind, rain, and sprinklers.  This is what this area looks like right now:

My other project is making a remembrance flower garden in my backyard for both Hope and Janessa.  I have loved seeing other peoples blogs and what they have done in their remembrance gardens.  I'm going to add some more garden picks and I ordered flowers from Mikaylas Flower Fundraiser that I will be planting behind their remembrance stones.  There is a lilac bush to the far right in this picture that we planted a couple of days before we lost Janessa so I have always considered this her lilac bush so that will add to this garden when it comes into bloom.  There is also a small mini rose bush that I planted last year in honor of Hope.   Hope's stone is just surrounded by 10 pinwheels now to represent the 10 weeks I had with her.  This is the before picture of it:

I've been really depressed the last little while so hopefully, with these little projects, working on pinwheel requests, having the anticipation of my family vacation in 9 weeks, and seeing the beautiful spring flowers come out, I will be able to feel God's love in my life again and be able to find my faith, trust, happiness, and joy again.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Minter's Angel Birthday March 13

Happy Angel Birthday

Minter Everett!

Picking Up the Pieces

Well, another angel birthday has passed, kinda glad to have it over.  It was a good/sad day, mixed with up and down feelings all day.  I couldn't sleep in the morning so I got up early and took pictures of  Janessa's pinwheel in the sunrise.  That was an incredible experience watching the sunrise--it brought tears to my eyes as I felt a great calm and peace for that moment.

Hopefully the angel party games turned out okay--my kids had fun writing messages on the balloons for Janessa and they looked amazing as they floated into the sky.

My flower garden looked like instant spring flowers had popped up overnight.  All 90 pinwheels looked beautiful and they twirled and spun throughout the day.

Going to the cemetery was hard.  No one should have to celebrate their child's birthday at the cemetery.

We ended the day lighting paper laterns inside and luminaries outside as we remember Janessa at 9:08 p.m.

The people chosen for the pinwheel/angel bear give-a-way were Becky (Liam's Mommy) and Rebecca (Kaison's Mommy) 
I'm finding that the days after Janessa's b-day are hard this year too, because I don't even get my "Whew, I made it through--now I don't have to endure another angel b-day for another year" like I did last year.  My miscarriage has robbed me of that too, because now I switch focus and begin preparing for Hope Abigails--1st angel birthday in 8 weeks.  This is really hard!  Inside I am screaming I can't do this again--but outside I begin to make my lists and preparations.

Thank you to everyone who remembered Janessa on her angel birthday!! <3

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Truffla Tree

I found a blm who writes names and puts them on her "Truffla Tree".  It was such a cute idea that I requested Janessa and Hope's names be added.  So here are their pom poms being added to the Truffla Tree.

Amelia Rose's Angel Birthday March 11

Happy Angel Birthday

Amelia Rose!