Decorating Janessa's grave for Halloween

I felt very rushed decorating Janessa's grave for Halloween this year.  There has just been no time to sneak up to decorate it.  We had to do it in between errands and I hate that because I don't get to just sit at her grave and think.  For the past couple of years I have found little costumes that I decorate her grave with.  Most have been just knit hats I put over her head stone.  This year I got a little fairy outfit to place on her headstone. 

Wave of Light 2018

Wave of Light

2018

To My Precious Angel Babies

Janessa, Hope, Jason

& Rae Anne

& All Their Angel Friends we have met and those we have not met yet:

U R Loved---U R Missed---U R Remembered

Started the day off watching a beautiful sunrise over the PinWheel Healing Field.

Lit all the candles at 7 pm

 Lit candles inside for my Angel Babies

Was so happy to see in my neighborhood that people had changed their lights to be blue and pink. And it made my day to receive texts and pictures from friends who lit candles in memory of my angels too <3

Remembering Angel Babies with No Angel Date

Jason's 5th Angel Birthday

Jason's 5th Angel did NOT go as planned.  The weather ruined most of it, my keto diet ruined the rest of it.  I have established traditions that we follow each year for his angel b-day:  Watch the sunrise, make chalk drawing b-day cards on the driveway, put the pinwheels out for the Wave of Light, knit a little hat, Go to Thanksgiving Point, Eat the foods I craved while I was pregnant with him--meatloaf, bake potatos, blue jello salad, potato chips, orange juice, decorate his remembrance stone, light candles, and eat a cookie cake or little cupcakes or rice crispy treat.

Watch the sunrise--this was ruined because it was cold and rainy and cloudy.  This is what the sunrise looked like on Oct. 10th:

I managed to make the most of the sunrise the day before on Oct. 9th because it was clear and I happened to be outside and was able to watch the sun pop up over the mountains, so I did this tradition the day before.  Here is the sunrise on Oct. 9th:

I did manage to put the pinwheels out a week ahead before all the stormy weather hit and this year I put them in the shape of a 5 for Jason's 5th angel b-day.

The b-day chalk cards were a no go because it rained most of the day and the forecast was for rain the next day so they would have been washed away.  So instead I creatively wrote his name as a table centerpiece.

Jason's Daddy even wrote his "non" chalk b-day card creatively on a paper airplane.

I was able to knit another hat, this year it is pink and brown to represent the birth of my granddaughter and the death of my Dad.

 

My remembrance garden is in pieces this year as we are renovating our yard and house and making new plans for a remembrance garden.  I had hoped to have it done by Jason's b-day but it is still in the planning stages, so once again his remembrance stone is inside wrapped up in bubble wrap and I had to just make a window and dresser memorial instead and use nature as art when we were in the mountains a couple of weeks ago.

All the familiar foods we normally eat on his angel b-day had to be scrapped because of health problems I have developed that have me on the keto diet which restricts a lot of food.  I was able to eat the meatloaf and for potatos I made a healthy version of funeral potatoes using cauliflower and broccoli instead that turned out okay.  His cake ended up being my sugar free chocolate creatively designed as a 5.  It was okay, but, not quite the same and left me feeling a little sad.

The biggest disappointment was not being able to go to Thanksgiving Point.  We have gone there every year including the day after my miscarriage of Jason to find healing and peace.

2013

2014

2015

2016

2017

The rain ruined all my plans for 2018.  I was tempted to spend the day in bed moping and being angry because of all my ruined plans, but, I decided to go to the temple instead for peace.

I was happy to discover after I got out of the temple that the rain had stopped and it was just going to be cloudy the rest of the day, so I headed to a store and found star lights and helium balloons so we could at least do a balloon release for his 5th angel b-day.

After we let the balloons go we saw 5 airplanes fly over our house--a hug from Heaven maybe?

Jason's 5th angel b-day didn't go as planned--they rarely do.  I am happy that I was able to find alternative activities and so grateful that the rained stopped so that we could do a balloon release.  I still can not believe it has been 5 years.  It feels so unreal.  

There were definite sad moments today when I had to just stop and cry and there were small moments of joy like when my living son who had been trying to get his new car licensed for 4 weeks finally was able to get his license plate on Jason's angel b-day and sent me this picture.  For me it was another hug from Heaven from my Dad and Jason, because the V is for my Dad, Val, the 4 and 9= 4 angel babies, 9 for Janessa and her b-day the 9th also that she is turning 9 next year and when you add 4+9 you get 13--the year I was pregnant and miscarried Jason 2013, and then to see the 5 and J representing  J for Jason's and the 5 for his 5th b-day--it will always remind me of that moment of Joy and all the other moments of joy I had every time I see his license plate.