2015

I've tried to write this blog post over and over again and nothing seems right.   I can't believe we are at the end of another year again.  Last year I was so glad to see 2013 end.  I wanted this year to be a year of new beginnings and new chapters in my life.  Problem is I still got stuck in the same chapter of  get pregnant have a miscarriage that threw off the entire year for me.  Having endured 2 empty due dates was tough.  Having to still endure monthly angel birthdays while dreading Janessa's 5th angel birthday in 2015 is awful.  I feel like I'm a record stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I don't know what to set for goals next year.  It seems like every time I choose a word for the year everything goes crazy and my goals go down the toilet.  Instead of loosing weight I gained weight.  Instead of being able to function and start coping I became more dysfunctional and felt like my family fell more apart instead of starting to piece back together.  I wanted my words for the year to be JOY, HOPE, and PEACE. I even bought candles hoping they would give me encouragement, but, I guess part of me wonders if joy, hope, and peace is ever possible for me ever again?  I know it is--somewhere deep inside it is there, but, right now there is too much cloud cover for me to see the sunlight.

So I guess as far as goals and words for the year for 2015--I say Ba Humbug I'm not setting anything!  I'm too grouchy and ornery and sad right now.  I just want to survive 2015 without anything major happening--no more kids dying, no more debt, no more appliances, cars, etc. dying--I just want a normal/calm year.

For my 2 little angel babies who had due dates in 2014--Jason 4/25/2014 and Rae Anne 11/17/2014

Andrew, Benjamin, & Caleb's Angel Birthday Dec. 30th

Happy Angel Birthday

Andrew Noah

Benjamin Levi

Caleb Thomas

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

A Year in review 2014

I had such high hopes for 2014, it was to be my year of calm after the storm, instead it ended up being another major storm added to the rest of the grief hurricane inside me.  Instead of being able to find peace and calm I found more grief and for 6 months I endured double remembrance monthly angel b-days for both Jason and Rae Anne.  I was already struggling each month as Jason's due date came up in April so when I got a positive pregnancy test in March I was so sure this was my miracle to help me cope with Jason's loss.  I was so excited that I would still be able to have a baby in 2014.  When I loss her a couple of weeks later it was more than I could take.  I have been unable to make pinwheel pictures--something that I love--because of her death for most of the year, and instead have turned my attention to group remembrance activities like the Day of Hope, and the PinWheel Healing Field, and the over 300 knitted hats for the Christmas Angel Tree.  I will never understand why my 2 "miracle" babies that I wanted so badly were taken away and I was forced to endure double grief this year.  Among all this grief I have found moments of Calm, and Peace, and Joy which I have had a hard time finding these past 5 years.

2--2 Angel Baby Due Dates 4/25/14 and 11/17/14

0--0 Rainbow Babies Again
        0 trampolines bought
        0 new house moved to
        0 pounds lost
        0 trip to Disneyland

1--1 more Positive Pregnancy Test
     1 more angel baby born too soon <3 Rae Anne <3
     1 new son-in-law
     1 new cat
     1 trip in an airplane
     1 last family vacation--Manti Pageant, Bryce Canyon, Zion's, Tuachan Play Wizard of Oz, Arches, Dead Horse Point, and 115 degree weather in Mesquite, Nevada watching fireworks from our rental condo balcony.
     1 beautiful wedding of my daughter
     1 Christmas Tree for Ethan celebrated in October
     1 New Car
     1 calm and fun Primary class
     1 new thing learned--how to text
     1 hot house endured when our AC broke and the repair man became almost a daily person in our house--we joked about adding his picture to our family picture wall because he came so much during the summer!
     1 beautiful Ogden Temple Open House that we went to
     1 credit card stolen so 1 new credit card
     1 old van sold and 1 newer car bought
     1st Angel Birthday for Jason

4--4 Angel Babies (Janessa, Hope, Jason, Rae Anne)
       4th Angel Birthday for Janessa
       4 + 300 knitted angel hats

14 is my favorite number because my birthday is on the 14th and my 1st alive baby was born on a 14th.  I really thought 2014 would be my year.  In a way it was good and bad at the same time.  Definitely had things I was Not expecting to happen.  It is officially my year of saying goodbye to the pregnancy/baby/toddler/preschooler stages of my life and stepping forward into another stage--it is so hard to let all of that go, but, I am so looking forward to being a Grandma some time in the years to come so my Rainbow Babies will have to come through them now.

Goodbye 2014 it is like saying goodbye to a good friend that you know you'll never see again.  Hello 2015--I'm not sure what to think of you.  Part of me dreads you coming for fear that there will be more stress and pain--definitely NOT looking forward to Janessa's 5th Angel Birthday, but, part of me looks forward to the moments of peace and calm and hope and JOY that you will bring too.

Nevaeh Elizabeth-Rae's Angel Birthday Dec. 30

Happy Angel Birthday

Nevaeh Elizabeth-Rae!

<3

Janessa's Grave 2014

Nathaniel's Angel Birthday Dec. 28th

Happy Angel Birthday

Nathaniel!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Scott Leland's Angel Birthday Dec. 28th

Happy Angel Birthday

Scott Leland!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Our Last Project for 2014

Our last project for 2014--repaint our bedroom.  We spent all day yesterday moving everything out of my bedroom into our homeschool room and living room and any other room we could find--my bedroom is all over the house right now!  We've spent all day today repainting while trying to keep our stressed out kitty who doesn't understand why there is all this stuff in her play area and why she can't go into my room--which she did manage to do--anybody ever tried to wash paint off of kitty paws??--NOT FUN!!!  Tonight I get to sleep by the Christmas Tree :)

It has been hard seeing the bare empty walls.  It was hard not having all of my angel bears and Janessa's box with her blanket and dress in it next to my bed.  It is hard not being able to find anything.  Everything is a chaotic mess right now--kind of feels like my life for the past 5 years.  I'd really like to move and get a fresh start where no one knows anything about me and move away from all the awful memories I have of my bedroom/bathroom and miscarrying my last 3 babies, but, since moving isn't an option we thought maybe if we repaint and make it look different then maybe that would help take away some of the sting this room causes me.  I hope it helps.

Aurora Margaret's Angel Birthday Dec. 25th

Happy Angel Birthday

Aurora Margaret!

Kaden James' Angel Birthday Dec. 25th

Happy Angel Birthday

Kaden James

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Merry Christmas 2014

5 years I have spent celebrating Christmas' as a baby loss Mommy.  Almost every year of those 5 years I have loss another baby.  It has been a really hard 5 years.  All I longed for each Christmas was for my babies back and to be pregnant with a rainbow baby or to be holding a rainbow baby in my arms--none of which ever happened.

I still feel an overwhelming sadness that my babies are not with me, but, this year I have been blessed with a special peace and calm and joy that has helped take some of the edge off of the holidays.  This year is especially hard because I had to endure 2 empty due dates.  This should be Jason's official first Christmas as an 8 month old baby. :`(  This should be 
Rae Anne's first Christmas as a 1 month old baby. :`(
I wish that things were different.

This is what I wish Christmas looked like this year

But, this is my Reality instead.

Merry Christmas to all of You and 

your precious Angel Children <3

Merry Christmas to my precious Angels

<3 Janessa <3

<3 Hope Abigail <3

<3 Jason Nephi <3

<3 Rae Anne <3