Happy 2nd Angel Birthday
Pixel Clementine!
<3 <3
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Friday, November 27, 2015
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Sunset Nov. 24th, 2015
A beautiful sunset tonight--a gift of love to help me through the hard holidays ahead.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Ezekiel Alexander's Angel Birthday Nov. 23rd
Happy 4th Angel Birthday
Ezekiel Alexander!
<3 <3 <3 <3
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Decorating Janessa's Grave for Thanksgiving 2015
Just got back from the cemetery after decorating Janessa's grave for Thanksgiving. I really don't like being there around the holidays it makes me so sad. I really don't like going on Sundays either because I watch all the alive 5 year olds at church and wonder what would Janessa be like and then my thoughts turn to how those 5 year olds get to celebrate thanksgiving with their families this year and what do I get--another trip to that stinking cemetery!!! Sometimes life really sucks!
I'm always curious about what we will find at Janessa's grave each time we go--maybe still the decorations from when I decorated last time??? (Rarely happens--they clean up even in the winter) Maybe decorations that someone else put on her grave??? (that would be the best gift ever--but again rarely happens) This time it was one of the rocks I had put in the plastic halloween pumpkins from last time to stabilize it. Interesting enough it was a rock I had written on a long time ago that said Endure--yep that's what going to the cemetery feels like to me sometimes. Cleaning off her grave of all the dead leaves we discovered 3 more rocks each with a saying on it Love, Remember, and Courage. 4 rocks--maybe 4 messages from each of my angel babies?
Have Courage Mommy through the Holidays <3 Jason Nephi
Thanks for Always Remembering Me, Mommy <3 Hope Abigail
Sometimes all you can do is Endure each day, Mommy, you're doing great <3 Janessa
I Love you Mommy! <3 Rae Anne
<3 <3 <3 <3
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Friday, November 20, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
The Angel Book
This week is a hard week for me. I struggled to get through Rae Anne's edd yesterday I think because she was my last hope of having a rainbow baby, my last hope of going through a 1st birthday. All the milestones with her are probably going to hit me harder. This week is also when we had our first ultrasound for Janessa and when we bought her blessing dress which ended up being her burial dress 6 years ago. It hurts to remember those memories and that the ultrasounds were the only places I would ever see her alive. It still hurts that I never got to see Janessa in this beautiful dress.
I did have a hug from Heaven moment yesterday too. Someone anonymously left a gift on our doorstep last night. It is this amazing and beautiful art book sculpture of baby feet with wings. I am in awe and so grateful that someone would take the time and effort to construct that for us--thank you whoever you are.
<3 <3 <3 <3
The Angel Tree
I've been observing the Angel Tree since the beginning of October and watching as it transformed from a glorious full green leaf beauty to a stunning red hot vision and now to an empty/bare skeleton.
This year this tree is reflecting how I feel my life has been up to this point. First I was normal, yes my life had ups and downs but they were typical life events. I was like that tree with all of it's green leaves.
In 2010, when Janessa died my life started to dramatically change. Things that had been okay and felt normal before then were suddenly traumatic things for me to endure. I was NOT the same person I had been before, like the tree suddenly going from bright green to bright red. I was a volcano of emotions, anger, guilt, and sadness, each one erupting suddenly together and at different times. Then as more losses occurred, Hope--2011, Jason--2013, and Rae Anne--2014, and I saw my hopes and dreams for a rainbow baby slip further and further from my grasp, my bright red leaves began to fall away. As people began to distance themselves from me or pretend nothing happened or forget my angel babies or I distanced myself from them and their "get over it already" lectures and the guilt of even talking about my babies, more and more leaves have fallen and left me in the empty bare/skeleton portion of my life.
That is the stage I find myself in now. Empty, barren, lost, alone. Some days I feel like there is nothing left of me to even be a person anymore. I am in the Winter of my life. It is bleak. Some days there is no hope. I keep looking back at the green leaf tree I use to be and long for her even though she will never be again. I even long for the red leaf tree when there was dreams of a rainbow and hope and happiness in positive pregnancy tests and my memories of Janessa were clearer and not so muddled with time. Here in empty winter there is no dreams. You feel exposed like everyone is watching and judging and afraid of you. Every day seems long and hard. You force yourself out of bed and function like a robot going about your day hoping that some day this will all change, but, for now it never does. Winter seems like it will last for eternity. But, on my angel tree in it's empty barren state, there are wind chimes that cling to that tree and make beautiful music when the wind blows that seems to sing to me "Keep Holding On--Spring Is Coming".
So that is what I cling to in this bleak and winter state of life--the HOPE of spring when I will grow new green leaves that will be different than before because they are tainted forever with sorrow and grief, but, there will still be joy. Joy in different things than before. Joy and sadness will grow around each other and form a new and more beautiful tree than before. I just have to hang on and endure this winter stage of my life. Spring Will Come. . . . . .Someday.
This year this tree is reflecting how I feel my life has been up to this point. First I was normal, yes my life had ups and downs but they were typical life events. I was like that tree with all of it's green leaves.
In 2010, when Janessa died my life started to dramatically change. Things that had been okay and felt normal before then were suddenly traumatic things for me to endure. I was NOT the same person I had been before, like the tree suddenly going from bright green to bright red. I was a volcano of emotions, anger, guilt, and sadness, each one erupting suddenly together and at different times. Then as more losses occurred, Hope--2011, Jason--2013, and Rae Anne--2014, and I saw my hopes and dreams for a rainbow baby slip further and further from my grasp, my bright red leaves began to fall away. As people began to distance themselves from me or pretend nothing happened or forget my angel babies or I distanced myself from them and their "get over it already" lectures and the guilt of even talking about my babies, more and more leaves have fallen and left me in the empty bare/skeleton portion of my life.
That is the stage I find myself in now. Empty, barren, lost, alone. Some days I feel like there is nothing left of me to even be a person anymore. I am in the Winter of my life. It is bleak. Some days there is no hope. I keep looking back at the green leaf tree I use to be and long for her even though she will never be again. I even long for the red leaf tree when there was dreams of a rainbow and hope and happiness in positive pregnancy tests and my memories of Janessa were clearer and not so muddled with time. Here in empty winter there is no dreams. You feel exposed like everyone is watching and judging and afraid of you. Every day seems long and hard. You force yourself out of bed and function like a robot going about your day hoping that some day this will all change, but, for now it never does. Winter seems like it will last for eternity. But, on my angel tree in it's empty barren state, there are wind chimes that cling to that tree and make beautiful music when the wind blows that seems to sing to me "Keep Holding On--Spring Is Coming".
So that is what I cling to in this bleak and winter state of life--the HOPE of spring when I will grow new green leaves that will be different than before because they are tainted forever with sorrow and grief, but, there will still be joy. Joy in different things than before. Joy and sadness will grow around each other and form a new and more beautiful tree than before. I just have to hang on and endure this winter stage of my life. Spring Will Come. . . . . .Someday.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Remembering Rae Anne on her EDD
It's hard to believe that had Rae Anne been born alive she would be 1 today. Time passes so quickly now. This date isn't as hard to pass through this year, but, it still is like a cold wind that sneaks into the house and suddenly chills me as I think about the what ifs and what should be. Instead it is the not to be ever again.
Remembering you today my lil'
Rae Anne.
Wishing you were here
Dreaming about what it would be like
Missing you like crazy
Monday, November 16, 2015
Tomorrow
As the clock ticks every so steady towards the 17th my thoughts again turn to the "What If" questions. If Rae Anne had lived tomorrow would be her official 1st Birthday. I should be busily making the traditional 1st b-day teddy bear cake. The first b-day scoot car should be wrapped and ready to go. I should have a very excited 1 year old running around and driving me crazy.
But tomorrow will be like any other day--it will start, I will endure, and then it will end. Only I will remember that it should be a birthday for a precious little girl named Rae Anne. :`(
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