Rae Anne's 11th Birthday

 I'm a week late posting Rae Anne's b-day post and I feel terrible.  I forgot to make a b-day post for her.  I remembered on fb but forgot here.  

Happy 11th Angel Birthday

<3 Rae Anne <3

Love, Mommy

I felt really lost on your birthday.  It was a Sunday like Janessa's and it was the original day of the week, Sunday, that I miscarried you.  Everything just felt off because we had company and I discovered that the way I have been remembering my angel babies on their angel b-days has been making people uncomfortable and angry with me so I didn't feel like I could decorate the table in memory of you.  I didn't feel like I could talk about you or say anything about you and I definitely didn't want to explain to new people why I am a wacko and remember a 6 week miscarried baby.  I had to remember you in private in my room with my own decorations and candles that only I saw.  It really hurt that I can't even remember you with others now.  I hate that my grief is mocked.  I hate that my grief is viewed as if I am some crazy person.  I hate that I have to put on my grief mask once again so it doesn't bother other people.  I hate that I am surrounded my people who don't understand me or my grief at all and don't even want to try to sympathize or empathize at all.  I hate that I have to remember all my angel babies alone.

Happy 15th Birthday Janessa!

 

Happy 15th Angel Birthday

to my precious ❤ Janessa ❤

CARRIED FOR A MOMENT,

LOVED FOR A LIFETIME!

Words escape me as I contemplate that 15 years have now gone by since we have been together. My heart screams it has been too long, I can't endure this anymore, but, my head logically thinks 15 years closer to when we get to be together again. I remember everything like it was yesterday,

I will Miss and Love you EVERY DAY!

Happy Birthday in Heaven!

Love, Mommy

10 Days to Janessa's b-day

 I made all these plans leading up to Janessa's b-day of how I wanted to remember her.  Unfortunately, the weather has not been that great on these 5 days before her b-day--rainy, cloudy, snowy, and freezing COLD!  I'm glad that 10 days ago I decided to make the outdoor mandala on a day when it was really warm.  I bought a new windchime that glows in the dark and I went on a temple trip.  It snowed this morning so I was able to make a snowheart for Janessa on the last day she was alive.  I added flowers to the mandala this morning and another butterfly charm to her butterfly bracelet.  I was also able to add mushroom lights to her remembrance garden.  It helps a little bit to be able to remember her with all these little things, but, my heart still feels very broken and I've been up and down all week emotionally.  One of the biggest things I'm grateful for is that my sister, Pam, remembers Janessa every year and writes her name creatively--this year she did a nautical theme and wrote it on her fish tank--it is so cute!  It means the world to me when others remember Janessa.  She's about the only one now after 15 years.