Decorating Janessa's Grave for Memorial Day

Went to decorate Janessa's grave tonight. Feel a little bad because I haven't been out there since Easter in March and her grave was empty except for some flowers left by her grandparents. I did a sunflower theme around her grave and I love how it turned out because it looked so bright and happy.

As I looked up in the clouds as we were getting ready to leave some of the clouds looked like giant hands making a heart--maybe my angel babies making me a hand heart. Coming home we had an amazing sunset.

This year was a little different for us decorating for memorial day because we stopped by a different cemetery first. This is the first time we have decorated the grave of my husband's uncle who passed away in Oct. of last year. There was no headstone yet, but, we knew it was his grave because he is buried next to his son who is my husbands cousin. We hadn't know where Dahnny was buried so we were able to leave a pinwheel on his grave too. This is the Uncle who helped us emotionally and financially when Janessa died because he had first hand experience of what we were going through. Still can't believe he is gone. It does make me happy to think that Uncle Del is reunited with his son and his parents and that he is now interacting with and teasing my angel babies just like he did my alive kids.

Enjoying the Small Moments

The last little while I have felt extremely stressed dealing with real life issues and missing my angel babies and life has felt extremely hard and complicated.  I feel very overwhelmed trying to blend my two worlds of grief and every day life together to endure each day.  Some days as a baby loss mommy the day feels too hard to get through--how do you cope?

Today I am coping by finding joy in the small moments.  This morning as I laid in bed feeling the weight of all the problems I noticed the little small rainbows that were starting to form all over my room from the prisms I have hanging in my window.  I felt so grateful that I have a bay window in my bedroom where one window faces east and one window faces west so in the spring and summer months I can watch a little of the sunrises and sunsets and because of these little prisms and the sunshine I get to enjoy rainbows each morning and rainbows each evening.  I also bought these solar dancing flowers that move and dance each day in the sunlight and that brings me joy too.

No, it doesn't solve all the problems or make them go away, but, it gives me a few moments to just relax and feel a little peace and joy so I can handle the stresses of the day.  If you are having "one of those days", please take a moment to enjoy a "small moment of joy"--go outside and enjoy nature--feel the wind blow, enjoy the beauty of the flowers, feel the warmth of the sun or the coolness of the rain, take some time out and escape by listening to your favorite music or reading a book or watching a movie or tv show, remember a good memory of your angel baby, color, doodle, draw, paint.  Stop and take 5 minutes to breath and relax and enjoy the small moments of life.

Peace and Pain

I have finally been able to go to church and feel peace as I listen to the speakers which is nice. I just wish there weren't so many trigger things going on in the audience. I try to ignore them or tell myself it doesn't matter, but, it still hurts. Yesterday we sat behind a little boy that was born 3 months before Jason would have been born so he was the same age as what Jason should be. He kept looking back at my husband and I and smiling. Then my husband started making silly faces and this little boy started copying him and we were all laughing. It was adorable and heartbreaking at the same time. A few rows up was another little boy that was the same age as what Janessa should be interacting with his siblings, again adorable, but then I look down the row at my girls and the empty spot where Janessa should be and the interactions they are missing out on with her and it just breaks my heart. :`( Some times church is the hardest place in the world for me to go to--came home and had a meltdown.

Not very excited about memorial day weekend--for most people this is the only day they stop for a few minutes and think about people who have died and go take flowers up to their grave. For me it is just another normal day of going to the cemetery missing my babies and wishing they were here with me instead.

Field Trip to The Living Planet Aquarium

My daughter wanted to go to the Aquarium for her birthday this year.  I was a little leery of going because first I've been sick for most of the week with a terrible head cold and didn't think I would feel up to it and second because the last time we visited the Aquarium was 7 years ago in October 2009 when I was almost 5 months pregnant with Janessa.  It is one of those places that triggers a memory from her pregnancy and I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

The good thing is that they moved into a different location and a different new building so everything was new exhibits and not like how we saw it 7 years ago.  The only thing I really remember about that experience was I still felt morning sickness, that it was really expensive to have our whole family go through it and that it didn't really seem all that great for the amount of money we spent and then this photo that they took as we entered the aquarium.  This precious photo of our family before grief, with Janessa inside of me is priceless!!  I have very few photos of me pregnant with Janessa and of our whole family together.  For just those reasons, the expensive tickets to get in were all worth it just so we could have this very precious photo <3

This is a BEFORE picture

Before grief has left its mark on our family

Today's experience was much different.  There were only 5 of us girls that went.  I wore my necklace of Janessa's foot prints made into a butterfly in remembrance that she came with us the last time.  We got there right as they were opening up, unfortunately the same time as 9 other school buses on field trips--eek!!!!  We were able to get in and get about 30-40 minutes to ourselves while the school field trip groups tried to get organized, so that was nice.  It was still really expensive to get in this time too. I debated buying a family membership but remembering my experience from the last time we went through I wasn't sure if we would ever want to go again so I bypassed the membership--looking back now I wish I had gotten that membership because I would love to go back!

I felt really happy as we started our self tour which was unusual for me.  We started out in the Discover Utah area which was created to look like what you would see at our favorite park Arches.  All along the way they had little wall aquariums with things that were native to Utah--fish and icky spiders that I just walked quickly by.  This area had a huge exhibit for otters that went outdoors and inside--it was fascinating.  Favorite thing in this area was definitely the otters.

Next we took pictures on a huge whale.  We did try to squeeze into a photo booth they had so we could get 1 picture all together, but it wouldn't take my credit card or my cash :`(

Then we moved into the Antarctic Adventure where we first were in this darkened glowing room where all the jellyfish were at--that was awesome.  Then we had a view of the penguins underwater world, followed by a walk up a ramp that had icicle lights hanging from the ceiling to make you feel like you were going to a world of cold and ice.  We then had a view of the penguins on dry land.  Absolutely LOVED seeing these penguins--they were my favorite of this area!!!  

Our third area was called Journey to South America and the minute you walked through the doors you knew you were in a different area because the humidity in this area hit you like a ton of bricks.  I probably liked this area the least of all the places we saw just because I didn't like the humidity.  I loved seeing the stingrays, eels, parrots, and macaws but did not like the snakes and cock roaches--yuck.  Loved the parrots the most, but, my most favorite part was leaving this area because it was really crowded because all the field trip kids had been set loose and it was hard to breathe because of all the humidity.

Our last area was called Ocean Explorer.  This was another hard area to enjoy because it was so crowded and noisy and you couldn't get up to the exhibits to see them and I was getting pushed and shoved by rude little public school field trip kids.  I liked seeing the sea horses and seeing these huge fish that were almost as big as me was fascinating.  Then we got to walk through the shark tunnel which was really neat to be totally surrounded by aquariums, but, again it was way too crowded to totally enjoy.  I was definitely ready to leave after that area.  My favorite thing--the shark tunnel.

The last thing we did was go through the gift shop which was really fun because we had the whole thing to ourselves which was really nice after enduring two areas of noisy, pushy, crowded field trip kids.  I love buying little key chains and pins whenever we go to different places.  So I guess I have a pin and key chain collection.  I also bought this really cute little penguin stuff animal.

The reason I am most fascinated with the penguins is I found out their exhibit opened up in March of 2010 when Janessa died.  I guess for me they are a connection to Janessa because part of my pregnancy I visited this place.  I would love to go again to this Aquarium but on a day when it is not busy so I can just sit in my favorite exhibits like the penguins and just watch them.

It was a really fun field trip!

The Fairy Garden

We created a little fairy garden behind the remembrance stones.  A little playground for the angels.  I can imagine them out there running along the paths and having fun in the gazebo and swing and roasting marshmallows in the fire pit.

Late b-day cupcakes and sunrise

Today we got the sunrise that I wanted on Hope's birthday last week.

And we finally did the little cupcakes that were supposed to be for her birthday.  It's just not the same a week later.

:`(

Hope's 5th Angel Birthday

Hope's 5th Angel Birthday was the worst angel birthday ever!!!  It was a lot harder than I ever imagined it was going to be to endure her 5th angel b-day on the same day of the week (Saturday) that I miscarried her on 5 years ago.

We got up really early to hike Ensign Peak in hopes to be at the top for the sunrise.  This is something that we do every year, but, never on her angel b-day.  I was a mess from the moment I woke up so I did not like hiking on her actual b-day.  I just wanted to get away from our house and the prediction of cloudy/rainy weather did not help my mood any.  We lucked out and the rain held off, but, it was really cloudy so the sunrise sucked, just like Janessa and Rae Anne's angel birthdays.  Also, I really struggled physically more than I ever have hiking to the top.  I was so frustrated because I could only take about 10-20 steps and then I had to stop because I couldn't breathe and my legs were hurting. Looking back now I realize that the reason I struggled so much this time is because of my pneumonia I got last year that my lungs are still recovering from so they weren't in the shape they have been in the past.  I just about gave up half way to the top.  I took a good 5 minute rest, and then I was able to make the last little bit.  I felt like I had won the lottery when I finally reached the top.  It was a little disappointing that the sunrise wasn't what I wanted and because this hike has become very popular with teenage/college students on dates so there was a lot of people.  I kind of wanted it to myself to just think and ponder.  I never took the time.  I was too busy trying to take pictures of Hope's little bear and write Hope's name in sea shells and blow love bubbles and then it was time to head down.  I wish I had just taken 10 minutes to just sit there and THINK and FEEL and CRY.

I was happy that 2 other baby loss mommies took pictures of the sunrise on Hope's Birthday where they were at.  Their sunrises were much prettier than ours.  This really meant a lot to me.

Thank You Tanya <3

Thank You Mary <3

When we got home from the hike my body essentially just shut down physically and emotionally and mentally.  I couldn't do anything.  I just laid on my bed and slept and cried and stared out the window.  Everything else I had planned for her angel b-day got canceled while I had my melt down.  I feel terrible.  No sidewalk chalk b-day cards written by everyone, no planting of petunias, no b-day mini cup cakes with yellow frosting.  All I managed to do was light the five candles.

Today, May 11th, 5 days later, I finally managed to go out and create a sidewalk chalk b-day card for her.  I did managed to include the 5--5 days late for her birth month May and her age 5 and the 11th for today's date as her birth year 2011.

It is the saddest thing ever to see it out there all alone--kind of like an afterthought that doesn't mean as much after the b-day is over.