When Janessa died I discovered I could cry and sob in the shower and no one could hear me and no one knew what a mess I was. I had 6 living children at home and I didn't have time to cry or grieve. I didn't want to upset them or have them see me being sad. I had been raised in a home and I thought my church taught this too that when bad things happen you just smile and don't think about it because Jesus will make you strong so you don't have to grieve. Tears I thought were a sign of weakness. Tears meant you didn't have any faith. You were just supposed to be happy because you believed that your babys spirit was still alive and that you would see them again. Sounds great, but, what about the millions of hours and days between now and when you died and got to see them again?? What about all the other babies who did live and now you would have to watch growing up knowing your baby was not there growing too?? What about all the time you are missing out with them now??? What about never seeing their first smile, their first walk??? What about all the extreme pain you feel right now knowing that you carried your baby for 9 months and they were born dead and you had to bury them instead of bringing them home??? What about the milk your body is making because it didn't get the memo that your baby died??? What about the heartbreak of telling your other kids?? There is no just smile and think about other things solution!!!! That was WRONG!! But that is all I knew so I suffered for years crying in the shower hiding all my grief alone. I know now that God doesn't expect us never to grieve, he wants us to grieve. He wants to hold our hand while we grieve. He wants to encourage us and show us hope while we grieve. It is totally okay to God that we grieve!!
I'm slowly learning that lesson. But today I felt angry and sad. When a violent thunderstorm hit our area I was fascinated by it because it was exactly how I felt with all the lightening and thunder and dark clouds and rain whipping around everywhere. I had to experience it first hand myself so I went outside in the midst of that craziness and I yelled and I screamed and I swore and I cried and guess what, today I discovered you can go out in the middle of an extreme thunderstorm with lightning and thunder and rain pounding on your face and yell and scream and cry and just like in the shower no one can hear you either!
