2020 Easter Angel Tree

I put up my Easter Angel Tree with the names of angel babies written on little easter eggs. Last year I wasn't able to do this tree because of our construction. This year the tree looks a little different because a lot of the lower branches got torn off and the tree was damaged by construction equipment so we are hoping that it will heal or this may be my last Easter Angel Tree. 

It is kind of sad because with all my windows gone in the back, I am unable to see this tree from inside my house and that makes me sad, but, I can still go outside and enjoy it's beauty and in the times we are living in, I'll take any little amount of joy I can get now.

Happy 6th Angel Birthday Rae Anne

Happy 6th Angel Birthday

to my Lil

<3 Rae Anne <3

YOU ARE "OWLWAYS" LOVED 

YOU ARE "OWLWAYS" MISSED

YOU ARE "OWLWAYS" REMEMBERED

YOU ARE "OWLWAYS" IN OUR HEARTS

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

10 years later and life has been turned upside down AGAIN!

Since Janessa's 10th angel b-day on March 9th the world has been tossed upside down with this world wide virus. Every day there has been major changes announced and normal regular life is gone. In fact, here in Utah, not only do we have all the craziness of the virus but we had a 5.7 earthquake this week with aftershocks the rest of the day that were almost as bad--it was an extremely scary day!!!

It is kind of eerie because it feels like 10 years ago when Janessa died and my life and my family's life was changed forever. This time the whole world is having to endure all the craziness with us! I'm definitely having days where my PTSD kicks in strong of flashbacks of when Janessa died to just a general feeling of not feeling safe anywhere. It is hard! I'm clinging to any regular familiar thing right now that hasn't changed, like when the mail comes each day, and trying to keep with my familiar routines of when I get up and exercise and meditation. It was weird this morning, but, it was actually calming to see all the garbage cans lined out on the street this morning and to hear the familiar sounds of the garbage truck. I'm definitely ready for all of this to be over with and normal life to come back!

I'm praying and reading scriptures a lot more intently than ever before in my life.  I'm having to find peace deep inside me because there is no peace in the world right now.  A couple of days ago I took down Janessa's 10 b-day pinwheel display and made a smaller b-day display with my sunflower pinwheels for my Angel Baby Rae Anne's 6th angel b-day coming up this next Monday on the 23rd.  I am finding peace just being able to sit outside and feel the warm sun on my face and watch those pinwheels spin in the wind.

10 years ago I buried my baby

10 years ago today I buried my baby.  I have no pictures of that day.  I wish I had a picture of her coffin and of the beautiful floral arrangement that was placed on her coffin and then on her grave.  I wish I had a picture of the only flowers that were sent by her Great Uncle Del who made all the arrangements and paid for most of the cemetery expenses and he spoke at her graveside service.  He was the only one who really reached out to help us through all the funeral arrangements I think because he had buried one of his children and understood what we were going through.  I wish I had had time this day to see and hold Janessa one last time.  To dress her in her burial dress, take more pictures, rock her and whisper that I loved her as I placed her in her coffin--that opportunity was stolen from me. 

All I have of that day is the Graveside service program, a cd of the music that was played that I hate listening to now,  the plant Uncle Del gave us for our home, and some of the ribbon and roses that we went up a week later and took from the floral arrangement from her grave.  I have some good memories from that day of standing around her coffin as a family holding hands and saying a family prayer before we left, and of hearing words of comfort from Uncle Del. 

Unfortunately, most of the memories are terrible--seeing her little coffin and having to watch my husband carry it to the grave site by himself, sitting right in front of it and staring at it during the service wondering what the hell was happening, having people hug me was awful and painful because my stupid milk had just come in because my body didn't realize the baby wouldn't need that milk because she was dead and just having people say stupid things to me like God needed another angel and other dumb stuff that I didn't want to hear,  walking away from that cemetery leaving my baby to be buried in the ground was horrifying!!  Then we get home ready to just be done with the day, and our next door neighbors teenage kid decided to do a rock concert with his electric guitar for about 3 hours and it just blew this obnoxious noise through our house and gave us headaches--not a good way to end the day.  10 years ago this day just sucked!!! 

The things buried with Janessa

The hand and foot molds of Janessa

The roses and ribbon from the floral arrangement from her grave

The Graveside Program

Happy 10th Angel Birthday Janessa

Happy 10th Angel Birthday

<3 Janessa <3

We Miss You <3 We Love You <3 We Remember You

Gone but not Forgotten,

Although we are apart,

God has you in his keeping,

I have you in my Heart

Decorating Janessa's Grave for her 10th Angel Birthday

The weather wasn't overly cooperative with us today so we had to wait awhile to get a break in the rain. I did a unicorn theme for her grave this year and I really like how it turned out.

In the past 10 years we have tried different things to find peace on her angel b-days and somethings have worked and other things were okay at first but now don't work for us anymore. We use to release balloons, but, that just doesn't feel right anymore. I've definitely decided that I love getting roses a few days before I decorate her grave. I get to enjoy their beauty and smell and then it is very therapeutic when I get to her grave to break those roses apart and spread the rose petals all over her headstone. I love having the little pinwheels surrounding her grave and watching them spin in the wind. We also tried blowing bubbles over her grave and I really like that too. My husband and I enjoy taking feet selfies by her headstone and doing a heart symbol with our hands over her grave.