Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
The First Blackberries!!!
Just picked my first blackberries from my blackberry bush this morning!!! Love it when they start to get ripe because this is the bush we planted 2 days before Janessa died--probably one of the last things I did with her while she was alive. This bush got totally forgotten about the first 6 months because of grief and we thought we had killed it too, but, it survived and has spread and gotten huge. It represents Janessa to me. The blackberries aren't sweet and tasty like my raspberries and strawberries--they have a kind of tart taste so kind of bitter/sweet which is perfect because that is how I view Janessa's death--bitter and sweet.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
My Daughter's Wedding
My daughters wedding turned out so beautiful! I thought I would just spend the day depressed and crying, but, I was pleasantly surprised that I felt so much peace and calm and joy and happiness that there wasn't much room for sadness, though there were some tears that were shed.
We started the day off getting the bride to be up really early to watch the gorgeous sunrise with us.
My husband and I were able to sneak over to the cemetery where Janessa is buried earlier in the day and decorate her grave in her big sisters wedding colors. I was so happy that the reception center my daughter chose was next door to that cemetery, so Janessa was close by too. I also decorated all my angel babies remembrance stones in the wedding colors too.
It was such a busy, but, fun day for all of us. I treasure the sweet moments that Ashley and I got together as I helped her put on her wedding gown. I treasure the pure happiness and laughter I felt at the reception as I jumped in and out of the line greeting guests and dragging some of them into the "wedding book photo booth" we had to take crazy pictures. :) Loved at the end of being able to take serious and crazy pictures with my parents and my sisters.
I haven't been able to feel this much joy and happiness since before Janessa died and it felt so nice. I am so very happy for my daughter and new son-in-law.
We started the day off getting the bride to be up really early to watch the gorgeous sunrise with us.
My husband and I were able to sneak over to the cemetery where Janessa is buried earlier in the day and decorate her grave in her big sisters wedding colors. I was so happy that the reception center my daughter chose was next door to that cemetery, so Janessa was close by too. I also decorated all my angel babies remembrance stones in the wedding colors too.
It was such a busy, but, fun day for all of us. I treasure the sweet moments that Ashley and I got together as I helped her put on her wedding gown. I treasure the pure happiness and laughter I felt at the reception as I jumped in and out of the line greeting guests and dragging some of them into the "wedding book photo booth" we had to take crazy pictures. :) Loved at the end of being able to take serious and crazy pictures with my parents and my sisters.
I haven't been able to feel this much joy and happiness since before Janessa died and it felt so nice. I am so very happy for my daughter and new son-in-law.
Ashley & Robert
Together Forever
Love them both very much
<3 <3
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Remembering Rae Anne--4 Months
Remembering you today my Little
<3 <3 Rae Anne <3 <3
It has been 4 months since you quickly and quietly slipped into and out of my life. I've seen comments of others saying that it is easier to loose babies earlier, but, I would have to disagree. Yes, I didn't have a chance to share my life with you as long as your siblings, and I barely had a chance to get use to the fact I was pregnant myself and that I had a due date so your due date may not be as painful as Jason's was, but, it was the miracle of being pregnant again. It was the miracle of getting 3 positive pregnancy tests. The ray of hope that you brought me that finally this time I would carry a baby to full term alive and get the promised rainbow baby healing around the holidays this year. That ray of joy that I would have gotten feeling you kick and move and then having you born alive to make up for all the death and sorrow I have been through. All of those hopes and dreams were ripped away again when I loss you. It is hard to even talk about you without tearing up.
Instead of you being my Rae of Hope for a rainbow baby, you are my last baby that I will ever carry. You are my youngest child and I am happy that you are part of our family. You are now my Rae of Hope that I can move forward on this grief journey. My Rae of Hope that I can start to find a little bit of joy as I let go of my rainbow baby dream. You were my last little miracle baby that Heavenly Father sent after 3 1/2 years of trying and constantly getting negative pregnancy tests. I know what a miracle you are and I am grateful we got to share our lives together even if it was only 6 short weeks.
So happy that I got an angel bear from Kylee's Kuddles to represent you. Now my angel bears are complete.
"OWL" ways Loved & Missed and
"OWL" ways in my HEART!
Love,
Mommy
Monday, July 21, 2014
Nice Surprises
Yesterday we went up to the Draper Temple where my daughter is getting married tomorrow so that we could look for some good picture places. We got a few surprises on our little trip.
First we saw a big beautiful rainbow that filled the whole sky.
Second, our van overheated and smoke was pouring out of it by the time we reached the Temple parking lot where we discovered that now this money-pit beast has some holes in its radiator!!!! UGHH!!!!!!!!!!!! We were able to let it cool off then refill it and make it back home okay.
Next, we got some cute pictures of the "almost" married couple and we had a lot of fun spelling the word LOVE with our hands in the shadows.
And finally we got to see a beautiful sunset as we came home. It was so nice to have a few pleasant surprises and moments of peace as we approach this big day of change for our family tomorrow.
First we saw a big beautiful rainbow that filled the whole sky.
Second, our van overheated and smoke was pouring out of it by the time we reached the Temple parking lot where we discovered that now this money-pit beast has some holes in its radiator!!!! UGHH!!!!!!!!!!!! We were able to let it cool off then refill it and make it back home okay.
Next, we got some cute pictures of the "almost" married couple and we had a lot of fun spelling the word LOVE with our hands in the shadows.
And finally we got to see a beautiful sunset as we came home. It was so nice to have a few pleasant surprises and moments of peace as we approach this big day of change for our family tomorrow.
Sean Patrick Jr.'s Angel Birthday July 21st
Happy Angel Birthday
Sean Patrick Jr.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Changes
Just like the seasons, change is coming to our house. In our front room our couch is now gone, given in love to our daughter and soon to be son-in-law for their new apartment. I'm happy that she can take a part of our home with her--this couch has practically been her office chair these past 2 years as she has done college work. I took a picture of the couch the last night we had it because I have memories of it too. It is where I slept the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Janessa because I was so miserably huge and that was the only place I felt comfortable. It is also where I slept the night before I loss Jason because I was so worried and couldn't sleep. I talked to him and patted my belly and sang songs to him.
Another change that has happened at our home is that for the first time in 13 years I moved furniture around in my room. The wall that I have left empty by my bed that I have been hoping and dreaming about having the baby bassinet against, I finally moved my hope chest there with all my little remembrance boxes on it. To me this is the final step of closure to my rainbow baby dream. I will now only have my Angels remembrance items against that wall.
I removed all the stuff animals from my rocking chair so we can use it again. That has been really hard because I didn't want that chair used until I brought home my rainbow baby to be lovingly rocked to sleep. Now it will serve as a reminder of my beautiful memories of rocking my alive children in it and the hope of being able to rock my future grandchildren in it. I cried myself to sleep the first night after we made those changes because of what they represented to me. My letting go of my rainbow baby dream and being able to move forward and find joy in the here and now of how my life is.
I hate that grief has changed my perspective on everything and making things much harder than they need to be. I'm angry because I know if I had Jason in my arms as my alive 4 month old or I was still 5 months pregnant with Rae Anne that I would have found that unique and comforting rainbow peace that would be helping calm things down and helping me cope with my daughter's upcoming wedding. Instead I sit here with 2 more holes in my heart and my heart to the point of breaking wide open. Life is NOT fair, but, I am coping the best I can.
I appreciate the people who when they see my tears over my daughter's wedding don't judge me and tell me I should be happy and that tears and sadness are wrong, instead they hug me and validate my feelings and just let me cry because my tears represent the love I have for ALL of my children and it is okay to not be okay and to be happy and sad at the same time.
Yes, change is coming, but, like the seasons there is good and bad about each one and it all just adds to the beauty of life.
Now that space sits EMPTY
It really bothered me the first night because it represented how empty I feel because of my angel babies. It represented the holes in my heart and the hole I feel because of my daughter's marriage. But, the next morning I walked into that room and saw the sunlight streaming into that empty space and I felt peace and calm and freedom like I was able to let go of some of those grief memories that have chained me down. Now I feel okay with that empty space--it feels right like that is how it should be.
Another change that has happened at our home is that for the first time in 13 years I moved furniture around in my room. The wall that I have left empty by my bed that I have been hoping and dreaming about having the baby bassinet against, I finally moved my hope chest there with all my little remembrance boxes on it. To me this is the final step of closure to my rainbow baby dream. I will now only have my Angels remembrance items against that wall.
I removed all the stuff animals from my rocking chair so we can use it again. That has been really hard because I didn't want that chair used until I brought home my rainbow baby to be lovingly rocked to sleep. Now it will serve as a reminder of my beautiful memories of rocking my alive children in it and the hope of being able to rock my future grandchildren in it. I cried myself to sleep the first night after we made those changes because of what they represented to me. My letting go of my rainbow baby dream and being able to move forward and find joy in the here and now of how my life is.
Another change coming in 5 days is that my oldest child is getting married. I feel such contrasting emotion of extreme happiness for my daughter getting married to her best friend, but it is also ripping apart my heart strings to let her go. My heart and mind can not tell the difference between loosing her to marriage and loosing Janessa to death, it feels the same even though it is different. I long to keep all of my kids here, with me safe by my side forever. When I loss Janessa I vowed I would never again loose a child to death and that I would do everything in my power to prevent it. That is why loosing Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne has been so difficult for me because again I was unable to prevent their deaths. So loosing my oldest daughter to marriage is a struggle for me because I feel like I should be preventing it even though it is a natural and normal and good thing.
I hate that grief has changed my perspective on everything and making things much harder than they need to be. I'm angry because I know if I had Jason in my arms as my alive 4 month old or I was still 5 months pregnant with Rae Anne that I would have found that unique and comforting rainbow peace that would be helping calm things down and helping me cope with my daughter's upcoming wedding. Instead I sit here with 2 more holes in my heart and my heart to the point of breaking wide open. Life is NOT fair, but, I am coping the best I can.
I appreciate the people who when they see my tears over my daughter's wedding don't judge me and tell me I should be happy and that tears and sadness are wrong, instead they hug me and validate my feelings and just let me cry because my tears represent the love I have for ALL of my children and it is okay to not be okay and to be happy and sad at the same time.
Yes, change is coming, but, like the seasons there is good and bad about each one and it all just adds to the beauty of life.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
108 Knit Hats
While we were on our vacation my daughters and I brought our little knitting looms with us so we could work on our goal of knitting 250 hats to hang on the outside angel tree at Christmas.
We ended up knitting 108 hats on this trip!!!! I am so amazed! Everyone in my family helped make hats. I loved being able to knit these hats while we drove, it really helped the time to pass faster.
So now that 108 hats combined with the 75 we had made before we left makes 183!!! We are getting so close to our goal and we have only been working on these for a little over a month now. I just can't wait to see the angel tree at Christmas with all these little hats on it. It is going to look so amazing!!!!
One of my favorite things to do on vacation is shop for souvenirs. I love having these physical reminders of our fun vacations. The past couple of years I have been collecting pins and key chains from all the places we have visited. I absolutely LOVE key chains. I don't put all of them on my keys, I have had them hanging up, but, I've run out of room so my husband is going to make me a special hook holder so I can put them all together.
My most favorite souvenir this trip was a $3 necklace I found that says HOPE. That is what this vacation brought to me--HOPE and Joy. So, besides the fact that it is my 2nd angel babies name, I realized that Hope can stand for all of my angel babies. First because there are 4 letters in it for my 4 angel babies and next because each letter stands for them: H--Hope, O--JasOn, P--Precious Angel Janessa--we have always called her that and even have it engraved on her headstone, E--RaE AnnE.
We ended up knitting 108 hats on this trip!!!! I am so amazed! Everyone in my family helped make hats. I loved being able to knit these hats while we drove, it really helped the time to pass faster.
So now that 108 hats combined with the 75 we had made before we left makes 183!!! We are getting so close to our goal and we have only been working on these for a little over a month now. I just can't wait to see the angel tree at Christmas with all these little hats on it. It is going to look so amazing!!!!
One of my favorite things to do on vacation is shop for souvenirs. I love having these physical reminders of our fun vacations. The past couple of years I have been collecting pins and key chains from all the places we have visited. I absolutely LOVE key chains. I don't put all of them on my keys, I have had them hanging up, but, I've run out of room so my husband is going to make me a special hook holder so I can put them all together.
My most favorite souvenir this trip was a $3 necklace I found that says HOPE. That is what this vacation brought to me--HOPE and Joy. So, besides the fact that it is my 2nd angel babies name, I realized that Hope can stand for all of my angel babies. First because there are 4 letters in it for my 4 angel babies and next because each letter stands for them: H--Hope, O--JasOn, P--Precious Angel Janessa--we have always called her that and even have it engraved on her headstone, E--RaE AnnE.
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