Survived Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was tough.  It was on a Thursday 7 weeks out from when I loss Jason so I had all those memories swirling around in my head along with everything else.  I lit the candles by Janessa, Hope, and Jason's chairs and kept them lit all day long.  I got set for a very long and emotional day--problem was God had other plans for me to keep me distracted and help me find strength to survive this holiday.  His plan--we had an unexpected and unwanted guest at our house for Thanksgiving--a MOUSE in my youngest daughters room.  Our daughter discovered this exciting news a couple of hours before our Thanksgiving meal.  I freaked out--my husband tried to catch it but it was too fast.  He set out to see if there were any stores open.  I am Thankful that Smiths was open so we could get some traps.  We spent the holiday setting out traps and put a quarantine on my daughters room.  She handled all of this really well.  She didn't scream or freak out like me she stayed calm and was okay not going into her room and sleeping on the couch last night. 

We did manage to forget about the mouse for a little bit while we watched the movie "Planes".  I was afraid it would trigger hard memories, but, it didn't.  I just remembered getting motion sickness and now looking back feeling happy that Jason was with me even though I didn't know it.  I was so happy to see at the end of this movie right before the ending credits the name of the casting director in big letters that stayed on the screen for at least 20 seconds--the casting directors name--JASON!!! How AWESOME is that!!! Jason's movie has his name in it!! Definitely a Hug From Heaven!

This morning we discovered that little mouse monster managed to avoid all the traps--ughhh!!! We spent the day taking my daughters room apart piece by piece to take away its hiding places. Freaked out when my husband had me come in and do a walk through of the room to show me that the mouse wasn't in there anymore.  The minute I step into the room the mouse runs out of wherever it was hiding right in front of me--my daughter may not scream when she see's a mouse, but, I DO!!!!! Mouse is taken care of now--while I try not to have a heart attack--I really hope it did NOT have any friends---YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I want a cat!!!

So Thanksgiving sucked again this year, but, for different reasons than I was expecting.  I guess on the bright side I was totally distracted yesterday and today so my grief over Jason not being here for Thanksgiving has not been as bad as what it could have been--God truly works in mysterious ways to bring calm and comfort??!!

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is hard for me this year.  I'm struggling to be thankful for another loss baby.  Really wanted to still be pregnant with Jason going through this holiday.

I am Thankful for 36 beautiful weeks with Janessa,

10 beautiful weeks with Hope Abigail,

12 beautiful weeks with Jason Nephi and that I was able to get pregnant again, see 3 positives on pregnancy tests, see Jason and his beautiful heartbeat on an ultrasound twice, was able to endure Jason's miscarriage differently than Hope's so that it was a better experience.

Thankful for my 6 beautiful alive Sunshine children.

Thankful to be the Mommy of 9 AWESOME kids--6 on Earth/3 in Heaven!!

Thankful for my wonderful husband who I met on the UTA bus while riding home from college 22 years ago.

Thankful for the TRUE friends and family who have stuck by me and helped encourage me through these 3 loss angel children these past 3 1/2 years--that means a lot to me <3

 

Yes, there will be 3 empty chairs this year at Thanksgiving, but, those chairs are not really empty.  I can feel my angel babies with me in the beautiful sounds of my wind chimes, in the pinwheels as they spin in the wind, I feel them when my children or my primary class gives me notes or a hug, and I feel them as I reach out to others.  They are truly always with me just as I know Heavenly Father is and that through Him and his strength I will be able to handle having 3 little empty chairs.

 

 

Joey's Angel Birthday Nov. 26

Happy Angel Birthday

Joey!

 

 



Decorating Janessa's Grave for Thanksgiving

We went to decorate Janessa's grave this morning. I was surprised when we got to her headstone because Jason's little pumpkin was still on her grave--all the other Halloween stuff was gone. I was actually glad to be able to bring his pumpkin back home.

Loved the picture we got of her headstone with the mountains and of me and my husband making a heart over her grave and we got all three of the angel pumpkins in the heart. It still makes me sad that this is how I get pictures of Janessa now--her decorated headstone. :`(

Not really excited about Thanksgiving or Christmas--I just feel empty and blah -- it's gonna be a long week and month.

 

Something kind of neat I just realized with Janessa's headstone is that because of what we wrote on it I can spell both Hope and Jason's names on her headstone.

 

 

Ezekiel Alexander's Angel Birthday Nov. 23

Happy Angel Birthday

Ezekiel Alexander!

 



Riley Lee Johnston's Angel Birthday Nov. 23

Happy Angel Birthday

Riley Lee Johnston!

 



Justice's Angel Birthday Nov. 22

Happy Angel Birthday

Justice!

 



Bo Ortiz's Angel Birthday Nov. 21

Happy Angel Birthday

Bo Ortiz!

 



6 Weeks since we said Goodbye

My precious little Jason it has been 6 weeks since we said goodbye.  I can't believe that much time has gone by.  In 6 more weeks you will have been gone longer than I carried you and that makes me so sad.  I have really struggled for the last little while, I am so sad that you are not with me anymore.  I'm not sure how I am going to make it through the holidays, sometimes I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the day, but, I get up and go through it anyway.  My mind and body has thrown me back into my regular, normal routine--get up, exercise, take kid to class, pick up kid from class, make breakfast, do home school, check home school, make lunch, etc., etc., etc!!!  It is something I have to do whether I feel like it or not so that is how my body copes going into robot/auto pilot mode.  But, the problem is my heart knows that something is NOT right with this schedule.  My heart remembers that precious positive pregnancy test that was such a miracle to me.  My heart remembers the joy I felt finding out about you.  My heart remembers the overwhelming peace and joy I felt seeing you on the ultrasound and seeing your precious little heart beating.  My heart remembers my tears of joy.  My heart feels torn and broken and remembers that sadness of loosing you.  My heart knows you are gone, but, feels that is not right and is confused as to why you are still not with me and why, why, my mind and body have gone back to a regular normal routine when my emotional hurricane heart feels anything but regular or normal.

I am trying to make your Angel Baby book using the pictures that I do have.  I can only do a couple of pages a day because it makes me so sad to realize that your whole life is represented in these 20 little pages of pictures.   I am so very grateful to have taken pictures and handled your pregnancy different that my other pregnancies so that I have something to hold on to.

Do you see that the only way I can sleep at night is holding your little blue bear--it fills my empty arms for now.  I miss you more than anything.  I Love You Jason!

Love, Mommy

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

6 Precious little hats I knit this week to represent the 6 weeks we have been apart.  Each little hat is unique and different representing each week that has had different emotions and challenges and experiences I have endured.

 

 

 

18 Precious little hats to represent the 18 weeks that I should be with Jason. 

Arielle Rose's Angel Birthday Nov. 21

Happy Angel Birthday

Arielle Rose!

 



Remembering Noah Pozner Nov. 20th

Remembering

Noah Pozner

on his Angel Birthday

 

(Sandy Hook Angel)

 

 

 

 

How I am going to survive Thanksgiving

Watching this movie is how I am going to survive Thanksgiving next week.  I went and saw the movie Planes in 3D a week before I even knew I was pregnant with Jason.  I did wonder why I was getting so motion sick during some of the scenes because I don't experience that unless I am pregnant.  This movie will always be <3 Jason's  Movie <3 it was his way of saying "HI MOMMY--I am Here!!"  Hopefully I won't cry all the way through it.

Adilynn Caroline's Angel Birthday Nov. 19

Happy Angel Birthday

Adilynn Caroline!

 

 

 

That is how I feel too.........

I feel comforted as I read another blog today called Mitchell's Journey.  It is written by the Dad of a little boy named Mitchell who passed away 8 months ago.  I guess I have felt guilty and frustrated with myself because of all my pain and grief when I do have a knowledge and a peace that Janessa, Hope and Jason are in Heaven and I will see them again.  Mitchell's dad described it perfectly:

Since Mitchell’s passing I have had moments of peace that defy human experience. I have had some experiences that so sacred I will never share them publicly. But I will say that I know my son lives. But he is over there. And I am here. And even though I have a spiritual understanding of things as they really are, that doesn't keep my heart from breaking. And sometimes my soul weeps. 

I feel that way too.......They are over there and I am here.  I have a spiritual understanding of things as they really are, but, that doesn't keep my heart from breaking.  And my empty arms from aching.  And sometimes my soul weeps too.

 Grief is Hard.

Grief is not a place or a destination.

Grief is a Journey that is experienced one day at a time that is full of ups and downs.

You don't ever get over Grief, you learn to live with it.

Kadin Jude's Angel Birthday Nov. 17

Happy Angel Birthday

Kadin Jude!

 



My Broken Furnace Does NOT equal a Broken Me

I have really been struggling the last couple of weeks with depression.  I have been really angry and really upset and really sad and really empty.  I’ve had a hard time really doing anything and have found myself just trying to hide from everyone.  All the EMDR therapy has been smothered by all of my grief and the last session that I did basically lasted for that day and then the next day I was depressed again.  I’ve really felt so hopeless and have forgotten all of the acceptance and peace I had found before my miscarriage.  I’ve just been so upset and questioning why I even got pregnant at all when I was just going to miscarry 12 weeks later. 

Yesterday started out a really hard day for me.  Besides the fact that it was Thursday and I struggle with reliving my miscarriage memories on Thursdays, it was also my oldest child's 20th birthday and that really made me sad that my oldest baby is getting so old, my period also chose yesterday to start back up and that was really hard to see too because it is a visual reminder that my pregnancy is gone and then to top it off we discovered our furnace wasn’t working and we had to have a repair guy come out and look at it. 

We discovered that our AC unit has not been working right and is broken and has essentially ruined our furnace.  So we were faced with the decision to put an expensive band aid on 12 year old equipment or spending a ton of money that we would have to take out a loan for to buy an all new furnace and AC unit. 

 

It did help that the technician guy asked about the pinwheels and when I explained what they were for and what they meant, he didn't freak out or think I was weird, he was understanding and just acted like it was normal everyday thing for everyone to have 200 pinwheels inside their house.  That really meant a lot that he didn't think it was a freaky thing that it was okay.

 

In the past when all these other things happened on top of a loss baby I have fallen apart and really couldn’t deal with life, so I was shocked to see myself go from my upset emotional state to a very calm and peaceful state.  This should be causing me to freak out and really go deeper into my depression, but, it has in fact had the opposite effect on me.  It is the weirdest thing to be saying, but, having my furnace break down yesterday was the best thing to happen to me.  Heavenly Father allowed me for just a few minutes to see his point of view as the technician guy was explaining our options.  The reason I loss Jason so early is for us financially it was the best way for it to happen.  Heavenly Father can see down the road ahead of us and knows all these things coming up.  He reconfirmed in my heart again that Janessa, Hope, and Jason were never meant to be in our family for long right now, but, that they are still alive and I will get to see them again.   He wants me to not get stuck in this part of the grief cycle but to start moving forward again finding joy and peace in this life knowing that I will get to see them again and that He is very appreciative of my sacrifice to allow these 3 children to obtain their bodies and live the short time that they needed to.  I’ve known that deep in my heart, but, I forgot it for a while because I got too caught up in the grief and the why me’s and the it’s not fair.   I feel as if this big dark and heavy cloud of depression has been lifted once again from my shoulders and I am again able to find the warm peaceful sunlight of acceptance and healing that I felt before.  I know there will still be days when that depression cloud will try and snatch me in it's grip again, but, I hope that my peace and hope anchor will cause me to remember and escape it's grasp.

 

Yes, having our furnace break and having to pay and extraordinary amount of money that our already overstretched budget didn’t need right now, to get a new one really stinks, but, I’m grateful it happened now before it got too cold.  I’m grateful that I already have all of our Christmas gifts bought so that it doesn’t affect that.  I’m not discouraged that this may affect our plans for a family vacation next year or how we will make the payments—I just feel at peace with all of it that somehow, someway it will all work out and be okay. 

And, most of all I am so grateful that having our furnace break did NOT break me but helped to heal me and helped me to remember and find my peace again.

 

Moving Forward Friday

Liberty's Angel Birthday Nov. 15

Happy Angel Birthday

Liberty!

 



$1 Thanksgiving Block Name Picture Special

$1 Thanksgiving Name Block Picture

As a Thanksgiving Special I am offering these Name Block Pictures for only $1.  I can fit 1 to 3 names in the picture.  These will only be available for 1 week so this special ends on Nov. 21st.

Click on this link to order:

http://ahugfromheaven.blogspot.com/2013/11/1-thanksgiving-name-block-picture.html

Zahraa's Angel Birthday Nov. 14

Happy Angel Birthday

Zahraa!

 



Remembering Sandy Hook Elementary--Nov. 14th

Remembering the Angels

of Sandy Hook Elementary

 

 

We Will Never Forget

 

 

<3 <3 <3

 

 



Roosevelt's Angel Birthday Nov. 11

Happy Angel Birthday

Roosevelt Washington IV!

 



Madeline's Angel Birthday Nov. 11

Happy Angel Birthday

Madeline!

 



Happy 1 Month Angel Birthday Jason Nephi

Happy 1 Month

Angel Birthday

Jason Nephi <3

 

 

I Miss You more than anything.  I wish you were still safe inside me.  I Love You!

 

Love,

Mommy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I went out to make a giant chalk card for Jason last night and I got to see this absolutely AWESOME SUNSET!!

 

 

 



NOT Week 16

This is a very hard week to go through.  I hate that so much time has passed since my miscarriage!  I hate that I should be 4 months pregnant but, instead, I have endured 4 weeks of grief!  I hate that for most people when you say I had a miscarriage they just go "oh" and that is it and then everyone goes back to their regularly scheduled lives, while I sit here with my life on hold hardly able to function.  I wish I could go back to Oct. 10th and change the outcome and still be pregnant today taking my 16 week pregnancy picture in my rainbow socks.  I hate NOT week 16!!

I made another hat for Janessa to take out and put on her grave during the winter months.

 

I received my candle for Jason to put by his sisters candles.

 

I received his memorial stone that I placed in my remembrance garden next to Janessa and Hope's Memorial stones.

We put the Christmas lights on the Angel Tree and made a giant Christmas Light Heart over our remembrance garden.  After Janessa died I made a giant J out of lights in our front yard, then when I loss Hope the next year I made a giant J and H.  Problem is I never get to enjoy it in the front yard and people were thinking we were weird for putting up lights for our dead babies, so last year I did nothing.  This year I decided I wanted the lights in the backyard so they wouldn't bother anybody else and so I can enjoy them out my bedroom window and it looks so cute to have them right above their memorial stones and connected to the Angel Tree <3 <3 <3

 

Received more Name Pictures

 

 

 

 

 

 

Made Jason his first snowheart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wearing my star socks and knit 4 more tiny hats for the 4 months I am NOT pregnant and the 4 weeks since I loss Jason <3 <3 <3 <3