Day 31

Sunset

This is the last day of the capture your grief challenge.  I have found peace and joy in reading and seeing others blogs from this challenge.  Unfortunately, my ending picture for the capture grief challenge has been really disappointing to me.  Our sunset was really cloudy, gloomy and dark.  I guess it captures how I feel right now.  I've found out things this past week which are really discouraging to me and they have pushed me over the edge.  I've tried for the past 2 1/2 years to handle all this grief, sorrow, anger and hurt by myself and I guess it is bigger than me now.  I can't carry it by myself anymore.  I'm in the process of searching for help whether it be with a doctor and a depression medication or grief counseling, I don't know what the best solution is for me yet.  I just know I'm tired of always feeling so empty and feeling like this cloudy, gloomy, and dark sunset.

Feodora Laurent's Angel Birthday--Oct. 31

Happy Angel Birthday

Feodora Laurent!



Day 30

Your Grief--Tell the World:

Grief is Hard!

You Are Not Alone on the Grief Journey!

I will NEVER be done grieving or get "over" losing Janessa and Hope!

I can still have Joy even though I am not happy about what has happened.

I will NEVER be the same Shauna I was before March 9, 2010, stop waiting for her to come back.  Accept the new grieving Shauna as I am now.

I have good days when I can handle everything that has happened and I have awful days when I can't even get out of bed because life seems to hard to handle.

Janessa and Hope Abigail are in Heaven and I can't wait to see them again!

Please remember Janessa and Hope Abigail--don't let the memory of them die along with them.

Day 29

Music:

Precious Child by Karen Taylor

 

 

Sometimes He Calms the Storm by Scott Krippayne

 

Still-- by Gerrit Hofsink

 

 

Blessings by Laura Story

 

 

Perfect Peace by Laura Story



Happy Angel Birthday Aunt LeeAnne!

This is my Aunt LeeAnne who was killed in an automobile accident when she was 16.  For some reason I have always felt a connection to her even though I was only 1 years old when she died.  I have always treasured her Nancy Drew books that have always been in my Hope Chest.  I now have a necklace that belonged to her and one of the pictures shows her holding me as a baby.

 

Happy Angel Birthday

Aunt LeeAnne!

 

Love your niece, Shauna

 

 



Day 28

Memory:

I think the memory on the grief journey that stands out the most in my mind is discovering the world of blogging.  The whole first year after Janessa died, I had no idea what a blog was.  I suffered alone in a neighborhood of people who didn't understand, didn't know what to say or do so they said nothing and pretended nothing ever happened.  It was probably the worst year of my entire life.  I felt like I was a freak.  I felt like there was something wrong with me and that is why my baby died.  I felt like I was the only person in the whole world who had had a stillborn baby because I didn't know anyone else.  I felt so ALONE and abandoned.  I felt like everyone was trying to erase Janessa from existence. 

Finding Christy's blog Everlasting Families right before Janessa's 1st Angel Birthday was a life saver for me.  I saw how Christy blogged about her grief--I saw how we had both had similar feelings.  I didn't feel so alone anymore.  I found other blm's blogs and discovered a whole world of blm's and finally didn't feel like I was the outsider anymore, even though it was a group I didn't want to join.  I remember the feelings of joy and happiness I got when people sent me Janessa's name written in different ways. 

This picture is of my "name wall" where I hang all the name pictures I have received.  I've actually had to expand to another wall now because I have so many name pictures.  All of these name pictures help me keep Janessa and Hope alive in my heart.

Day 27

Artwork that reminds you of your Angel Babies:

Devon James' Angel Birthday--Oct. 27

Happy Angel Birthday

Devon James!



Day 26

Their Age:

 

 

Janessa Shauna with us for 36 Precious Weeks!

 

 

Hope Abigail with us for 10 Precious Weeks!



First Snowfall=First Snow Heart

Today we got our first snowfall.  I guess there seems to be something special or magical about that first snowfall.  Maybe because it has been awhile since we've seen it.  Maybe because it transforms and changes the look of everything to a clear, brilliant, white.  I ran out and made my first snow heart for Janessa and Hope, but, it didn't really bring me the joy that it did last year.  I guess I'm tired of making snow hearts for them to see from Heaven,  I want them here to be out playing in the snow themselves!  But, since that isn't possible, I guess I will still make them snow hearts so they will know how much I love them and how much I miss them!

I'm not sure if this first snowfall makes me happy or sad this year.  All it seems to be doing is making  me WORRIED, WEARY, and WEEPY.

((Hugs))

:`( Shauna :`)

:) Janessa & Hopes Mommy :)

Day 25

Things you got for your baby you didn't get to use:

This is a really hard one for me.  Just getting these items out to take pictures of them brought me to tears.  All these things bring back all the grief, all the memories, all the unfulfilled dreams.  When I loss Janessa these items brought me pain and were big reminders of my empty arms, but, I still held out hope that I would have a rainbow baby that would use these items.  After losing Hope these items now bring on a new grief for the rainbow baby that will never be, grief that these items will forever collect dust and will never be used for one of my babies.  These items all represent destroyed dreams.


The brand new Bassinet.  This was the only gift my husband and I gave each other for Christmas 3 months before Janessa died.  I set it up on Hope's Due Date last year because I had to have some closure.  It kills me that I will never get to use this for one of my babies.

 

This is the blanket that my kids and I tied in anticipation of welcoming Janessa into our family.  Now it is just wrapped around Janessa and Hope's teddy bears.

I bought 2 of these swaddler blankets--interesting 2 empty swaddler blankets for 2 angel babies.  The swaddler blanket in the middle actually went to the hospital with us in my bag.  If I had been thinking straight I would have wrapped Janessa up in it at least once.  The nursing poncho came the week before Janessa died.  I was really looking forward to having a blanket cover that wouldn't fall off my shoulder.  Instead I had mommy's milk and no baby and had no need for this cover.

 

 

These are the two barbies I bought to put on Janessa's birthday cakes--these barbie movies are where I first heard the name Janessa.  The first is Janessa from Barbie and the twelve dancing princesses and the second is Janessa from Barbie Thumbellina.

Day 24

Siblings

Day 23

Their Name/Their Photo

Kaden Leon's Angel Birthday--Oct. 22

Happy Angel Birthday

Kaden Leon!



Day 22

Angels on Earth--Nurse, Shelly and Hospital Grief Coordinator, Shauna

Day 21

Sacred Memorial Space

Day 20

Charity/Organizations that have touched your heart on this road of grief:

 

Laken's Bears

http://lakenbears.webs.com/
 

 

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

 

 

 SHARE

http://www.shareparentsofutah.org/index.html

 

 

Calvin's Cupcakes

http://blessedtobebroken.com/calvinscupcakes/

 

 

Butterfly Footprints

http://butterflyfootprints.blogspot.com/

 

 

Stitches of Love

http://croleyc69-stitchesoflove.blogspot.com/

 

 

 

Names on the SideWalk

http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/

 

 

Triplet Butterfly Wings

http://www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/

 

 

Ashlen's Angel Pens

http://ashlensmommy.blogspot.com/p/ashlens-angel-pens.html

 

 

Gabriel's Garden

http://babyangelgarden.blogspot.com/

 

 

You Are Always In My Heart

http://youarealwaysinmyheart.wordpress.com/

 

 

I'm With You

http://shop.maxxton.co/

 

 

Justice For All

http://justiceforallcertificates.yolasite.com/

 

 

The Truffula Tree

http://apersonnomatterhowsmall.blogspot.com/

 

 

The Seashore of Remembrance

http://theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com/

Rain Serenity's Angel Birthday--Oct. 20

Happy Angel Birthday

Rain Serenity!



Day 19

Project Inspired by Your Loss

I created PinWheels From Heaven a month after Janessa's 1st Angel birthday.  I was inspired by Christy (Declan's Mommy) and her blog and by Tiffany (Genesis's Mommy) and her blog Names on the Sidewalk.  I loved seeing Janessa's name written by other people.  It validated her life for me and I wanted to be able to do that for other people.  I thought and thought about what I could do to write angel babies names in a unique way.  I had been putting pinwheels out each month to represent the number of months Janessa had been in Heaven for her whole first year.  When I got to her 1st angel birthday and realized that after that month I would be removing 11 of the pinwheels and then there would only be 1 pinwheel all alone, it made me sad.  That is when I got the idea of writing angel baby names on pinwheels and creating a "pinwheel flower garden".  This way Janessa's pinwheel would always be surrounded by all her angel friends.  Pinwheels to me represent life and hope.  When I see them spinning in the wind I think of it as our angels saying hello.  Also, I was pregnant with Hope Abigail when I started PinWheels From Heaven so to me it represents those happy, hopeful, 10 weeks that I carried her.  I didn't realize when I started this blog how much healing and peace and joy I would get as I created each pinwheel picture and placed the pinwheel into Janessa and Hope's Pinwheel Garden--it has truly been and continues to be an amazing blessing in my life.

Brianna's PinWheel

Day 18

Family Portrait

 

 

Lucas' Angel Birthday--Oct. 18

Happy Angel Birthday

Lucas!



All Gone and Empty

I'm feeling kind of sad today.   :`( 

I brought all the pinwheels inside for the winter--they will now all sit in my living room still and silent until March of next year when I take them outside again. :`(

It rained yesterday and all the angel baby names got washed away.  :`( 

I think this hurts the most.  It shouldn't bother me because it was chalk, chalk is not permanent it washes away, that is normal.  I guess it brought me such peace and joy to see all the angel baby names on my driveway that I was hoping for them to last a while longer, at least longer than a couple of days!  Some times that's how long I feel like normal people remember Janessa and Hope and that makes me sad too--their gone, but they don't have to be totally forgotten too.  It feels like life.  The angel baby names slipped away quickly and quietly in the rain storm just like our angel babys slipped quickly and quietly out of our lives.

Today life feels so unfair!  Today I don't want to see the end of the seasons.  I don't look forward to the dreary bleakness and emptiness of winter and the holidays.  Today everything feels all gone and empty.  Today I just want to pull the covers over my head and hope for a better day!

(Hugs)

:`( Shauna :`(

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)

Eden Elizabeth's PinWheel

Day 17

Anniversary/Birthday/Due Date


For Janessa's Angel Birthday we watched the sunrise, released balloons, decorated her grave, lit laterns inside our house and luminares outside our house and had a cupcake made by Calvin's Cupcakes.

For Hope Abigails Angel Birthday we hiked to the top of a mountain peak and released balloons, we decorated her memorial stone in our backyard, went and walked around some beautiful waterfalls and flower gardens, lit candles and had a cupcake made by Calvin's Cupcakes.

 

For Hope's Due Date Anniversary we bought an Angel Build-A-Bear