Pinwheel Memories From the Past

This post from the past makes me happy because I was secretly 10 weeks pregnant with my angel baby Jason and I remember how hard it was getting to do pinwheel pictures because I had morning sickness so bad.

This post also makes me sad because it is one of the last memories I have with Jason and marks one of the last times I was able to do pinwheel pictures. I have only done them a few times since then because after I miscarried Jason they were too emotionally hard for me to do--even 3 years later I can still only do them occasionally and that makes me sad too because for 3 years up to 2013 I loved doing them and they brought me great peace and healing so even that part of my grieving/healing journey was taken away from me.

I changed Pinwheels from Heaven from being individual pinwheel pictures to being group annual events instead and that has been okay but some days especially seeing pictures like this I really miss the way it use to be.      :`(

12 Days to Jason's Angel B-day

Today I begin my 12 days of remembrance for my angel baby Jason. I have my toe nails and fingernails painted blue and I'm wearing star socks and my Jason necklace every day for the next 12 days until his angel b-day on Oct. 10th. I do this to remember the precious 12 weeks that we had together. <3

Can't believe another angel b-day is upon me. They come so fast and I'm never ready for them. Grateful I can do things to remember and honor my angel babies, but, a part of me wishes I never had to celebrate an angel b-day at all. I wish my babies were here safe with me instead.

Remembering With You

I think one of the hardest things for me to hear is a baby loss mommy letting me know that I was the only person that remembered their angel baby's birthday. That is heartbreaking for me. :`(

Why is it so hard for people to understand how much it means to just remember our angel babies??? When everyone forgets and we remember alone it makes the grief that much harder!!!

I hate that feeling of being forgotten and feeling so very alone and that is why PinWheels From Heaven exists. I want you to know that you are not alone and I will try my hardest every year to honor, remember and cherish your precious angel babies with you on my annual events and on their angel birthdays. 

<3 <3 <3 <3

Happy Half Birthday Rae Anne

My little Rae Anne I wonder what my life would be like if you were here.  Reality is it has been 2 1/2 years since I loss you, 6 months since your angel birthday and 6 months to you next angel b-day.  But if I had it my way you would be 1 1/2 and we would be looking forward to celebrating your real 2nd birthday on November 17th.  My house would be a delightful mess of toys and dolls spread all about whereas now all those toys are boxed away.  Right now you are the same age as your angel brother Jason, 2, for the next couple of weeks until he turns 3.  I miss having little kids around the house.  I feel sad and jipped and angry that those childhood moments and memories have been stolen from me. I know your life had a different plan and that you are in Heaven with your angel brother and sisters and that you are happy, but, some days I just miss you guys and I want you all back here.

Some days Heaven just seems really far away.   :`(

3 Years Ago Today

My precious little angel Jason, I remember going to this ultrasound appointment and the extreme fear I had as the doctor did the ultrasound.  I was so afraid that he would find your heart not beating either just like Janessa.  The moment that he found your heartbeat and I got to see you and see that precious most healing heartbeat was one of the best days of my life.  I felt Janessa and Hope's presence in that little room as tears of happiness and sadness ran down my face.

Today it is also 3 Weeks to Jason's 3rd Angel Birthday on Monday, Oct. 10th

Kicking Depression in the butt

So sick and tired of all the stress and depression going on in my family. I'm trying to function on about 4 1/2 hours of sleep today and it ain't working for me. I feel like Satan has waged an all out war on our family right now and it is scary. We must be proving to be a threat to Satan's plans and that is why he is working so hard to drag us all under. Well, NO More!!! This girl isn't going down without a fight. Today I started the day depressed and not wanting to get out of bed, then dressing in all black in my I hate Monday's shirt--then I looked in the mirror and decided I wasn't going to fed the depression today. Changed into my neon yellow shirt and neon yellow socks, got myself spiritually charged with prayers and scripture study and then took on the day. Take that depression and Satan--the power of God and neon yellow happiness from the 80's!!!!!!!

Barbie Movies

I love Barbie movies! I've been watching them with my girls for over 15 years. Most of you know that Janessa's name came from 2 of the Barbie Movies--Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses and Barbie Thumbelina. Maybe that's why I love the Barbie Movies because they are a connection between me and Janessa.

They usually release a movie every fall and spring around Janessa's b-day. My girls are pretty much out of the Barbie stage now, but, they still humor me and will watch the latest Barbie show with me. It is a fun girl bonding experience.

Makes me sad that my girls are outgrowing these shows--Janessa would have loved Star Light Adventure. Barbies on hover boards would have been on her Christmas List this year. These are the moments when I miss my little girl the most--well for that matter all my little girls the five that use to be little girls and the 3 (Janessa, Hope, Rae Anne) that were ripped from my arms before they got to be my little girls in this life. With Janessa only being 6, Hope 5, and Rae Anne 2 I still had years of Barbie Movies and Barbie Doll adventures ahead of me--now that is gone and I'll have to watch them alone when my grown up girls decide they have had enough and can't stand them anymore. :`( Sometimes life feels very unfair.

Remembering 9-11

My little remembrance memorial for 9/11 

:`(

Always remember--Never Forget

30 Days to Jason's Angel B-day

Today it is officially 30 days/1 Month to my little angel baby Jason's 3rd Angel Birthday. It is so hard to even think back 3 years to this time when I was happily sharing my life with him--little did I know that 30 days from now my life would be torn apart for the 3rd time.

In a way I still don't feel like I have properly grieved for Jason, but, instead have stuffed all those feelings deep down inside me because it hurts so much that my beloved 2nd try at a rainbow baby was stolen from me too after only 12 very short weeks together. Every so often those grief feelings escape when I see little boys that would be his age or on trigger days like today and the next 30 days leading up to his angel birthday. Just remembering the healing I received when we had our first ultrasound of him on Sept. 19th and saw his little heart beating and all the hope I had that this time this baby was going to live is so very hard.

WHY were you taken too????????? WHY was 2 baby losses not enough to endure??????????????

I Miss you so much Jason--I wish you were here--I really believe our family wouldn't be in the mess that it is if we had you here.

Another Garden

Spent part of the day at our favorite Gardens Thanksgiving Point. Wow!!  That's 2 gardens we've visited in 1 week.  The temperature was perfect, there was hardly any people there, and the fall flowers were beautiful. As a bonus I found 2 butterfly bracelets in remembrance of Janessa. The one is perfect for Janessa's next b-day because it has 7 butterflys on it which is the age she is turning, and she was my 7th child. I guess I'm fascinated with bracelets right now so finding some with butterflies on them made my day!

Janessa's 1/2 Birthday

It is Janessa's 1/2 birthday already.  It always surprises me how fast it comes around.  This means I have endured 6 months since her last angel b-day and now there are 6 months until her next angel b-day.  My life seems to revolve around March 9th now instead of January to January.  I like to decorate her grave on her 1/2 birthday with real flowers and sometimes balloons because in March on her real birthday the weather is still really temperamental and it could be snowing.

It is also the time when I can get most of my family to go out to her grave because it is just too hard on her actual birthday.  We usually take a crazy sock picture surrounding her grave as a way to include her in our family picture.

2011

1 1/2 or 18 months

2012

2 1/2

 2013

3 1/2

2014

4 1/2

2015

5 1/2

2016

6 1/2