PEACE

I went out and watched the sunrise this morning.  It has been a while since I enjoyed Heavenly Fathers daily painting exhibit.  It was so calm and quiet and peaceful.  I truly felt Heavenly Fathers love.  I felt the love from my little angel girls Janessa and Hope.  I felt true PEACE.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 14:27

Be still, and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Amelia Grace's Angel Birthday--July 28th

Happy Angel Birthday

Amelia Grace!



The 1%

I've had a really hard time hearing people quote the statistic that only 1% of babies are born stillborn.  I'm glad that that number isn't any higher.  The problem is it makes you feel like a forgotten, unimportant statistic because you are only part of the 1%. 

People have no idea what it is like to be a member of that 1%.  The hurt, the pain, the horror, the grief, the unbelief, the devastation, the despair, the feeling of being an outcast because you are not part of the other 99% are all wrapped up in that neat little 1% number.  The awful feeling of knowing that your baby died inside of you is in that 1%.  Unerasable memories of knowing your baby is going to be born dead and then having their sweet little silent body placed on yours--never seeing them breathe, never hearing them cry, never seeing them open their eyes, never feeling them grasp your fingers--that is part of the 1%.  The avoidance, the conversations hushed as you approach, the friends loss all because you are part of the 1%.

It is awful being part of the 1% .  Somedays I really HATE being part of that 1%.  But that 1% is where I find my sweet angel baby Janessa and to not have known her at all is worse than being part of the 1%.

I find comfort in remembering the parable of the lost sheep.  Jesus left the 99 and went to help the 1.  Heavenly Father and Jesus care about the 1% and send special help for the 1%.  We may be forgotten by some and seen as just the mere 1%, but, we are remembered by Jesus and sometimes that is all that matters.

Because I am part of the 1%, I care about the 1% too!

Because I am part of the 1 in 4 that loses their baby to miscarriage/sids/other medical problems--I care

about the 1 too!

Luke 18:4-5

What man of you having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?

And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)

Remembering Maxxton Today

Remembering 3 Angels Today

Taylor, Michael, Abigail

Happy 3 Month Angel Birthday Evelynn

Remembering you and your sweet brother Liam today.

Black Fingernails and Grief

I seem to be stuck in sad mode.  I told myself after Hope's 1st angel birthday that I would never paint my fingernails black again--I was done with that depressing grieving and I was going to move forward on my grief journey now.  Also because the black fingernail polish and glitter are really hard to remove.  Well, today I find myself sitting here with black fingernails with a streak of glitter.  I just find myself so empty and sad right now.  Every day I keep hoping that it will be a better day, only to find that the sadness of the previous day has followed me.  I long to hold and see both Janessa and Hope alive.  I need to have some good memories of them instead of just the sad depressing ones.  The image that is stuck in my mind for both of them is the last time I was with each of them as a nurse was taking them away.  In my mind I keep yelling at the nurse to stop and bring my babies back, but, she still keeps walking away.

I read a post today from another baby loss mommy, Stephanie, and the words she used to describe grief were perfect: 

"It's a lot like walking on the shore. The grief . . . the hurt . . . it's always there. Sometimes it's the little waves lapping at your toes and feet and other times, the waves crash over."

I feel like my grief has become a huge ugly storm of waves that are crashing over me and causing me to fall down right now.  Sometimes it is really hard to get back up.  Hopefully, the storm will pass soon and the waves will calm and go back to just lapping at my feet. 

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`|

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)



Bradyn's Angel Birthday--July 21st

Happy Angel Birthday

Bradyn!

Ladybugs and Forget-Me-Nots

I felt true joy and happiness today for just a moment.  When I went into my closet I noticed what I thought was a black bug crawling on the ceiling.  I grabbed toilet paper and a stool and was already to squish that annoying bug when I realized it wasn't a black beetle bug, but, it was a ladybug that had somehow made it into my house and into my closet.  Ladybugs are the only bugs that I really like.  I instantly thought of Hope because that is the symbol that I associate with her is a ladybug.  I needed a little hope today.  I scooped the frantic little ladybug into my hand and gently carried it outside lovingly talking to it like I was its mother and then released it onto one of my flowers where I knew it would be much happier than in my closet.

When I turned around I noticed that finally after waiting and waiting and waiting for my forget-me-nots to start getting flowers, I finally had my first flower!  So I've got a little hope today along with a reminder that I am not forgotten--joy for a moment, but, I'll take what I can get!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Miserably Ever After

I had a hard week last week and a really rotten weekend.  I've spent most of yesterday and today in tears.  Just having a "why me and life is unfair" moment.  I'm tired of hearing about other normal people who have no idea what being a blm is like  "happily ever after" moments.  I feel like I am forever stuck in "Miserably Ever After"!

I prayed today for a "Hug from Heaven" and I got it in the mail through a package I ordered from Maxxton's Mommy.  It was 7 of the little bracelets she sales that say "I'm With You".  That was just the message I needed today!

I'm With You--from Heavenly Father

I'm With You--from Jesus

I'm With You--from Janessa

I'm With You--from Hope

I'm With You--from friends and family who maybe don't completely understand but still care

I'm With You--from Maxxton's Mommy Racheal

I'm With You--from all my BLM friends who understand all this hurt and pain

I LOVE these bracelets and I LOVE wearing them because then I don't feel so alone on this grief journey.  Thank you Racheal for being my much needed "Hug from Heaven" today.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)



I Am A Child of God For Angel Babies

Jeremiah's Angel Birthday-July 13th

Happy Angel Birthday

J e r e m i a h !!



Oversensitive

I don't know why I'm so oversensitive this month.  Little things that haven't bothered me in a while have suddenly begun to bother me again.  It's been really bad this week.  I think its because I've had a ton of things on my to-do list and things I've been in charge of and so I'm stressing about everything and not sleeping very well at night so it's kicked into high gear my sensitivity to things.  It also didn't help that my trusty van that I've had for the past 15 years left me stranded for the first time at a store in 103 degree weather!

Going to stores this week has been terrifying for me because there just seems to be a ton of women with babies.  Normally I just look away and I'm fine, but, this week I'd look away and there be another infant carrier and another on and another one until I felt like I was in a small room with the walls closing in on me and I had to escape out of the store in order to breathe again.  I'm so tired of this happening.  I want to be okay seeing babies and 2 year olds.

I just got back from a meeting where I was seated in front of a picture of a woman holding a baby in a white blessing gown-OUCH on my heartstrings, and then everyone started talking about babies and how cute they are--OUCH again.  Then the conversation turned to death and the people are all joking about how they are going to save money and have a cheap coffin and not be embalmed and how the people who are left behind should have a party with all the money they saved not wasting it on funeral stuff.  It was all I could do to not run screaming out of the room.  I don't think these people have ever actually been involved with a funeral for someone in their immediate family or I think they would have had more respect for that topic.  It just released a bunch of images and memories in my mind that I really didn't want to deal with today.

I wish there were bandaids for all the grief ouches I got today and this week because I'd be covered in them!

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

A Bear for Sohani

I got my welcome package from World Vision describing how I can email, send letters, and send small packages to Sohani.  I sent my first email last week to her and her family.  It was a little hard because she is only 2 so I had to think what Janessa would be like if she were here and what I would want to say to her.  I decided to buy a small teddy bear to represent Sohani as an honorary member of our family to put up with all of our family teddy bears.  It makes me smile to see it up there with all of the other bears.

Sohani's Bear by Janessa and Hope's Remembrance Garden

Sohani's bear with the Pinwheels

Sohani's bear with all the rest of the bears

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Glow Stick Heart for my Angels

Holidays make me sadappy.  I enjoy celebrating with my family, but, there is always that tinge of sadness just lurking in the corner of my mind that prevents me from fully feeling true happiness.  Holidays are when I miss Janessa and Hope the most.

Happy 4th of July Janessa and Hope.  I made you a glow stick heart by your remembrance stones.  Wish you were here to see the fireworks with us.  Love You!

Love, Mommy <3

Rebecca Leigh's PinWheel

Hard is . . . . . .

I'm really missing Janessa today.  I think it is because in church I had a direct view of the little 2 year old boy who was born 1 week after Janessa.  I watched as he threw a temper tantrum and cried and was a busy body and ate snacks and drove his family crazy until he feel asleep in his daddys arms.  It just broke my heart looking down the row at my kids and seeing the spots where Janessa and Hope should be.  Oh how I longed to see my little Janessa running around and being crazy and spilling cheerios all over the place. 

It drives me crazy to hear these other "normal" women moan and complain about their 2 year olds and 1 year olds and babies and how "hard" their lives are--I wish they could trade places with me for just a day and then they would understood what "hard" really is.  Hard is watching parents playing with their babies, Hard is hearing a newborns crys, Hard is watching a 2 year old and seeing them sleeping in their parents arms knowing that you will never get to see that.  Hard is wanting so desperately to hold your baby that you seriously consider laying on the grass at the cemetery over their grave, weeping just so you can be close to your baby again.  Hard is hating Sundays and church because you have to see all the babies and toddlers that just remind you of what you have loss.  Hard is spending part of every holiday at the cemetery decorating your babies grave because you want them to be included.  Hard is feeling alone in your neighborhood because no one can relate to what you have been through and what you are feeling.  Hard is seeing pictures of when you were pregnant and longing to go back to that time so you can feel your baby alive and kicking once again and somehow change the outcome so your baby is alive and well.  Hard is having angel babies and there is nothing you can do to change that.  Hard is having a life sentence of Grief.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

July Thankful List

Here is my July Thankful List:

J- Jewelry that represents my angel babies and allows me a way to carry them with me
       Joy in helping others.
       July 4th holiday--Freedom, Independence, parades, and fireworks

U- looking Up into the stars and clouds.

L- Loving friend, Patrea, who stands by me through good times and bad.
        Love for my living children and my angel babies
        Love shown to me from True Friends.

Y-Yucky 21 day eating program that ended June 30th so I can eat and enjoy Peanut Butter cups again!!!! :)

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)