Skyler Jack's Angel Birthday August 30th

Happy Angel Birthday

Skyler Jack!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

What Coulda and Shoulda been . . . .

I've had a couple of  hard what "coulda" and "shoulda" been moments this week.  First, I always hang up a Welcome Back to Home School sign for my kids when we start up our year.  As I went to change the school grades for all the kids, it was really hard, having to add Jason and Rae Anne to the "Angel School" part of this sign.  Jason "shoulda" been added to the "Baby School" as my 4 month old baby tag along as I taught the other kids.  Last year he was a hidden part of this sign because I knew about him, but, we hadn't told our kids yet.  It makes me sad that Janessa would have been 4 1/2 and we would have officially started preschool with her and had her learning her numbers and ABC's and how to write her name.  It is hard knowing I will never have saved little papers of her first drawings and writing of her name.  I'll never get to see the thrill of watching her learn the letter sounds and then being able to put those sounds together to sound out words.  I'll never hear her read her first book.  I'll never see her phonetically spell out words to make her own book.  I'll never get to see her pick out her own clothes and come out dressed in mismatched prints and socks that don't match.   What makes this so hard when you already have living kids, is that you know exactly what you are missing out on because you've been through it before.  

Church is getting really hard for me to go to again.  It is really hard seeing all the babies and all the pregnant women, because I should have a 4 month old or I should be 7 months pregnant--I have a really hard time having visual reminders all around me of what I have loss.  Last Sunday my PTSD kicked in again and I had a really bad anxiety attack at church.  I left in tears with my heart pounding and it took me a good 30 minutes just hiding in my closet crying and holding the hand mold of Janessa in order for me to calm down and start breathing normal again.  I hate it when those PTSD attacks sneak up on me out of the blue.  I really wish I could just sluff church for the next little while.  Some days I really wonder if it would help to just move into a different area and neighborhood where nobody knew anything about me and then maybe I wouldn't get all stressed out thinking that people are judging me--it's hard feeling like I'm the only woman in the area whose babies die--I'm the only one who doesn't know how to do it right--get pregnant--endure 9 months--bring home ALIVE baby.  I know there are others, but, no one talks about it.  You have to hide it and be silent about it, because it is too sad of a topic--they only want to deal with happy things--perfect pregnancys--happy alive babies.  I need to get away from all of this--I want a new start.

The last hard thing was actually a very happy thing--my inlaws 50th Wedding Anniversary Dinner.  It was a very happy and pleasant experience.  I just found myself looking down that long table at empty chairs that shoulda been filled.  There shoulda been a happy 4 1/2 year old Janessa old enough to sit still and eat without causing too much of a fuss.  There shoulda been a 3 1/2 year old Hope Abigail, hyper and causing embarrassment to me because she isn't quite old enough for such a formal dinner.  There shoulda been 4 Month old Jason sitting on our lap trying to reach for food he couldn't eat--bawling and fussing because He was tired.  There shoulda been me sitting there with a 7 month pregnant belly spilling stuff all over myself because my huge belly caused me to sit so far away from the table--happy kicking going on inside from Rae Anne because of all the yummy food coming down--excitement from me that there was only 2 months left.  There was nothing--just gratitude for the 6 + 1 new son-in-law chairs that were filled, and sorrow and heartache for the 4 empty chairs that will never be filled. 

I know this is my "REALITY"  I accept that, but, I don't like it.  

Remembering Rae Anne--5 Months

Remembering You Today

my little

Rae Anne!

You are always missed, remembered, and loved.

You are always in my Heart

5 Months since you became an Angel

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

We got quite the surprise this week on the Day of Hope when we discovered that my Easter Lillie's had bloomed again!  There are 4 lillys--2 that have opened up and 2 that have not and this plant is next to my Angel Baby Remembrance Stones.

Since I wrote this we have had 2 intense rainstorms that have left us with the most beautiful rainbows and the other 2 lillies opened up--a Hug from Heaven for Rae Anne's 5th Angel Birthday and for Monday when last year I got my positive pregnancy test for Jason a day that haunts me now.

Maddison's Angel Birthday

Happy Angel Birthday

Maddison!

<3 <3

Chloe & Zoe's Angel Birthday August 20th

Happy Angel Birthday

Chloe Danielle & Zoe Grace!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

William Stephen's Angel Birthday August 20th

Happy Angel Birthday

William Stephen!

The Day of Hope Sidewalk Chalk Prayer Flag

Because the weather is predicted to be rainy today and tomorrow we celebrated the Day of Hope on Monday--Australia's time.  It took us 3 hours to write the 383 names and it looked so amazing seeing them all out there, especially, last night when we lit candles all over around them.  I had to have my husband write Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne's names for me because I just couldn't do it this year.  I have been having a really hard time the last couple of weeks dealing with loosing Jason and Rae Anne this past year and writing their names was just too much for me.

May all Baby Loss Mommy's everywhere feel peace this day as we remember our precious angel babies.