Happy 4th Angel Birthday Rae Anne!

Happy 4th Angel Birthday

Rae Anne!

<3 <3 <3 <3

You Are Loved!

You Are Missed!

You Are Remembered!

Love, Mommy

You are the age that Janessa was when we went on our trip to Moab for her 4th angel b-day and I had no idea I was pregnant with you.  The changes that have happened in the past 4 years in our family is incredible.  Miss you and love you, wish you were here.

Easter Angel Tree 2018

I wanted to put the Easter Angel Tree together on Friday for my lil' Rae Anne's 4th angel birthday, but, it looks like mother nature is not going to cooperate with me on that day. It is predicted to rain starting tomorrow through Sunday, so I put up all the Angel Easter eggs today. Makes me sad that all my plans for Rae Anne's angel b-day are going to be be ruined just like last year--no chalk drawings, no love bubbles, no sunrise--just dark clouds and rain. Great--kinda fits my mood right now--mostly cloudy with a chance of rain. I was able to watch the sunrise on Monday morning so I guess I will just count it as her birthday sunrise.

Indoor Remembrance Areas

I discovered little remembrance places in my room that I love to decorate up for my angel babies b-days.  I have a spot of remembrance on my dresser for my Dad and at the beginning of March I added a spot for Janessa, and now I have a spot for Rae Anne all decked out in orange.  I love it.

I also discovered I could put their name blocks on my window seal and decorate a little around it too.  This makes me so happy to still be able to decorate something and it is inside in my room so I get to see it all the time.

Another Trigger Day

March 15th--this date always causes my heart to race and my mind to wander--the day 8 years ago that I buried my baby.  Another trigger day for me, but, again it has come at me in explosive proportion because of my Dad's death.  I found myself again this morning unable to get up, unable to function or do anything.  I guess unfortunately all my trigger days this year are going to be harder than usual for me and that really sucks.  After 8 years I pretty well felt like I had them under control and could handle them now, so it really takes me off guard to feel so out of control and back to "1st year grief" level again.  It is so hard to function in normal life on days like today.  I'm reminded of  the little pink coffin that forced reality to smack me in the face that day that I was burying my baby, she was never coming home with us.  And again I'm reminded of sitting in front of my Dad's casket at the cemetery falling apart as I removed my red carnation and placed it on his casket knowing I was never going to see him again in this life. 

I have such mixed emotions, because I know my Dad is happy in Heaven to be removed from his body that was not functioning and where he was miserable.  BUT, I still want and need my Dad.  How do I keep moving on in life without him here in it?  Who do I go to now when I need a fathers blessing or just someone to talk to and get advice from?  I see all these little gray haired grandpa's and grandma's with canes helping each other along and I just feel so bad that my Mom won't have that and will face her 80's and 90's alone.  I feel bad for all of our kids who won't have their Grandpa there to celebrate their weddings and births of great grandchildren.  How can this be?  How can normal life just continue ticking on without my Dad there?

A picture of the memorial announcement we had for Janessa's graveside service popped up on my fb today and as I looked at all the names of the people who helped with that it makes me sad that now 2 of those people have passed away and are with Janessa.  My husband's Uncle Del, a couple of years ago and then down at the bottom my Dad's name for closing prayer.  I had to laugh a little because my Dad was always willing to help with baptisms and things but only if it was to give a prayer, never a talk. 

One of the things I wish I had of this day 8 years ago was pictures of her coffin and pictures of all the flowers, the only thing I have is the funeral announcement and one of the flowers from the floral arrangement that was on her coffin. 

Most everything really hurts from the memories of that day, except for holding hands as a family circling Janessa's coffin as my husband said a prayer and then putting my hand on that pink fuzzy coffin and saying goodbye all the while wanting to grab my baby and run like hell away from that nightmare! 

My Temporary Remembrance Garden

I feel bad because all my remembrance stones and my remembrance garden are gone.  Last October we had found a lot and a builder and we were designing a new house that we were going to have built that had a mother in law apartment in it so that we could move my parents in with us so that we could better help my Dad who had a stroke.  It was a beautiful area with views of the mountains.  We went through a ton of different house plans, but, finally had found one that was perfect. 

As part of that we were hurriedly fixing things around our house--we got a new dishwasher to replace the one that was broken, we got a new oven--which we never installed and returned instead, and we did a big clean up of our front and back yard.  Part of that clean up included my remembrance garden.  I felt like it would hinder the sale of our house so I packed all the remembrance stones up in a container ready to be moved to our new house.  I unfortunately decided to dig up this little container that I had buried under Hope's remembrance stone because I wanted to take it with us.  That made a mess and ruined the little garden area and the container got broke and everything inside was already ruined so that was a very bad mistake.  I should have just left it alone.

Unfortunately the funding for our new house fell through and all our plans and ideas had to be scrapped.  It turned out for the best because my Dad passed away in January of this year and our house wouldn't have even been started until probably this month.  But, that left my remembrance garden in ruins and I didn't have the time back then to fix it so I just smoothed it out best I could, stuck some solar lights and pinwheels in and called it good.

It's been hard because I've had no where to decorate for Christmas or Valentines Day in remembrance of my Angel Babies.  I didn't feel it as much with Janessa's b-day because I have her actual gravestone at the cemetery to decorate, but, now Rae Anne's b-day is coming up next week and Easter and again my remembrance garden is still a wreck.  

I don't really want to fix it right now because we are making plans to just add on a small apartment onto the back of my house for my widowed mother to move in with us and I guess as part of that I wanted to just redo the whole remembrance garden and make another for my Mom to have things in in remembrance of my Dad.  So that leaves me in limbo for probably the next 6 months.  After I went and got things from Janessa's grave I decided to just make a small remembrance garden right around the angel tree.  It turned out beautiful.  Not sure it is enough room for me to decorate at my angel babies b-days, but, at least it is something.

So here is my new smaller, temporary remembrance garden for Janessa, Hope, Jason, Rae Anne and now my Dad.