Janessa & Hope's Pumpkins

Love Ya My Sweet Angel Girls!

Moving Day

Today it was finally moving day for the PinWheels.  I've put it off week after week because I couldn't bear to see the empty flower garden and I couldn't stand to see the pinwheels just motionless inside.  It brings me such peace to see all the PinWheels spinning in the wind saying a quiet hello from all our Angel Babies.  But, today that all changed.  I've lucked out because we have had really mild weather for the month of October, but, I know that is going to change once November hits so inside all the PinWheels came.

Here is the last pictures of all 73 PinWheels outside in the Flower Garden.

Yes, those are Janessa and Hope's pumpkins finally picked out of my garden.  I really wish I could just leave the pinwheels outside, but, we live in a wind tunnel which is good--because the pinwheels are constantly spinning--most of the time during the Spring, Summer, Fall, but, destructive during the Winter and bad storms.  I'm in the process of fixing and replacing some of the pinwheels because the weather has taken it's toll on them. 

I can't just leave my flower garden empty, because winter and the holidays are already a really hard thing for me and I would get depressed seeing my flower garden looking as empty and bleak as my heart is sometimes.  So, I am leaving 3 little pinwheels out all winter--1 for Janessa, 1 for Hope, and 1 Pinwheel to represent all of their Angel Friends, they will be surrounded by 3 lighted butterflys.

After I brought all the pinwheels in, it took me a while to get to them to arrange them into these planter boxes I had prepared for them.  It just made me so sad to see them motionless inside my house.  When I finally sat down amidst all the pinwheels, my heart felt a calming peace as I sorted through the pinwheels to make sure all of the brothers and sisters were put next to each other.  I remembered each angel baby and their Mommy--I said each angel baby name as I placed their pinwheel in their new "winter" home, not packed away never to be seen until Spring, but placed in a planter box to be displayed in my bay window.  When I finished and placed Janessa & Hope's big pinwheels amongst the others, I was in AWE!!!!  I now have a beautiful spring PinWheel Garden inside my house to bring me joy, hope, and peace all through my hard Winter Days--what a wonderful blessing!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Cancel November

Is it possible to just cancel a whole month?  The closer and closer we get to Nov. the more anxious and stressed and grief stricken I become.  This is crazy, but, I feel like I did in Feb. of this year right before Janessa's 1st Angel B-day.  It isn't Hope's 1st Angel birthday yet, but, I guess in my heart I feel like it should be.  Next Sat. I would have been 36 weeks--9 months pregnant with my loss baby.  It would have been a week of extreme anxiety for me because 36 weeks is when I loss Janessa.  Even though what was suppose to be Hope's Due Date, Dec. 3rd, isn't for another month I was planning on having her in November because all my other kids came early.  So, November to me represents the month I would have had my sweet rainbow baby in my arms. 

Her due date is affecting me so much more than Janessa's due date.  Janessa's due date came 4 weeks after she passed away--which I'm grateful, because all these long months waiting for it to come with Hope have been pure TORTURE.  I was still in shock when Janessa's 1st due date came and went so I really didn't think too much about it because I didn't realize then what had really happened.  This year when the 1st Anniversary passed of Janessa's due date I had just done a pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant with Hope so her due date passed again in kind of a blur.  I guess this is why Hope's due date coming up is freaking me out so much because I've never really understood what it meant, although I think next year as Janessa's anniversary of her due date approaches it will be a lot harder as I sit there empty-handed, and broken hearted with 2 holes in my aching heart.

I find myself struggling each morning to get out of bed and force myself through each day.  I want so badly to just pull the covers over my head and just sleep the day away.  In some ways I wish I was a bear and that I could just go find a nice comfy cave somewhere and just hibernate Nov./Dec./Jan./Feb away--no stress, no worries, no holidays to deal with, no hard days to deal with, no cold miserable winter weather to deal with--that would be wonderful.

I would like to do something to remember Hope on her due date but, I'm struggling to think of what to do.  Any suggestions on what any of you have done to remember your Angel Baby's on their Due Dates?

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

I am Thankful Today!

I woke up happy today, which is really strange for me. I got thinking about things I am most grateful for today:

(1) I'm thankful for the lillys that are blooming in my house that remind me of spring in the fall!

(2) I'm thankful I didn't go to the cemetery last week to decorate Janessa's grave, because they finally hedged around the headstones yesterday and they would have thrown away all my fall decorations that hopefully they will leave alone now for a couple of weeks.

(3) I'm thankful for all the roses and carnations that are still blooming outside even though it is the end of October!  They bring me Hope!



(4) I'm thankful for the warm weather (60-70 degrees) where I can still go out and take a walk without even a jacket on.  This has been the Spring weather that we didn't get minus all the bugs (BONUS!!)

(5)  I'm thankful for all the beautiful fall leaves I've been able to observe on all my errands!



(6) I'm thankful for all the pinwheel pictures I have done and all the Angel Babies they represent and all the BLM friends I have made!



(7)  I'm Thankful for Reeses Peanut Butter Cups (my sanity savers this year!) and for my cute husband creatively leaving them for me to find as a way of saying I'm thinking of you and so are our angel babies!

(8)  I am most grateful today for a feeling of Peace and Calm and courage amidst all the grief and trials in my life!

Birthday Balloons

This week was one of my living daughter's birthdays.  For her birthday celebration she wanted to share her birthday with all the October Angel Babies that I have done pinwheels for--one of them, Rain Serenity, shares the same birth date as her.  So we released balloons yesterday for Claire, Meredith, Gage, Lucas, Rain, Kaden Leon, Devon, & Feodora.  It was a really special moment for me as we wished them a Happy Angel Birthday and then released the balloons and watched them float away.

Of course we had to include my little angels, Janessa & Hope Abigail, even though it isn't their angel b-days--they just got an extra hello from us.

I am amazed at how sensitive and caring my living children are towards the Angel Babies I have done pinwheels for.  They truly consider them all their friends because they are Janessa & Hope's playmates in Heaven.  They watch out for the pinwheels as much as I do.  There was a day this past summer when I was gone and we had a really bad rainstorm and my children got worried about the pinwheels so they all ran out and gathered them up and put them safely in the house.  It really touched my heart.

They have learned a level of sensitivity, caring and sympathy at their young ages that it has taken me 40 years to start to develop.   I guess it is an unseen blessing that unfortunately they have learned from the grief each of them has faced with the passing of their little sisters.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Kaden Leon's PinWheel

I hate the weekends!

There, I admitted it--I hate the weekends.  For the last couple of months they have been very hard to get through and I dread them now.  I'm not sure if it is because my miscarriage happened on a weekend and I relive it every weekend or because what was Hope's Due Date, Dec. 3rd, is coming up on a weekend.  I suspect it is a combination of both things plus other issues.  Before I became a Mommy of an Angel I lived for Fridays and the weekends--now that has dramatically changed for me.  I don't know if you have seen this snoopy cartoon called The Typical Work Week, but, I changed it to more fit how my life is now.

Thank you so much for all those who lit candles for my little Angels this past weekend--it has touched my heart and given me a much needed "Hug from Heaven" as I endured another weekend!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Wave of Light

These are some pictures we took yesterday.  These first ones are from a balloon release at a program with my Share Grief Group.  It was a nice experience to hear my angel babies names read aloud and to see their balloons released with hundreds of others.  I tied Janessa & Hopes balloons together so wherever they end up they will be together.

These next pictures are the luminaries and other lights I placed among the pinwheels for the Wave of Light.

Remembering Our Angel Babies Video

I created this video in honor and remembrance of my 2 Angel Babies Janessa & Hope Abigail and all their Angel Friends that I have done PinWheel Pictures for.

October 15th, 2011

Wave of Light

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

We Love You Angel Babies! <3

William Stephen's PinWheel

Stephen is the little brother to Angel Daniel

2 Angel Brothers in Heaven

Hope amidst Discouragement

I have felt really discouraged and  angry for the last little while about losing my baby Hope Abigail.  I must be hitting the anger stage in the grief cycle.   In the mail the other day, I got the Christmas stocking and Christmas ornament I ordered for Hope. The problem is I don’t feel happy at all about getting those items. I really want to throw the ornament against the wall and smash it into a million pieces because I don’t want another memorial baby Christmas Ornament—I want a Baby’s first Christmas Ornament instead! I can't change what has happened, but,  for some reason I am fighting accepting it.  Some days it is too much for me to deal with even thinking about that I have 2 angels in Heaven.  I guess I keep hoping that my miscarriage was just a bad dream and that I am still pregnant and that on Dec. 3rd I will still be bringing home my baby Hope alive and well.  I know that sounds crazy and I don't think like that all the time, but, I have days, when I just can't handle all the grief.   I know I just need to accept her death like I have Janessa's and try to just make it a part of my life, but it is very hard.

See those dark clouds in these pictures, that is how I have felt the past little while.

This past week I have received some "hugs from Heaven", that have given me hope,  joy, and a chance to smile amidst all this pain and discouragement.  Angel Baby Kaels family released balloons with Janessa and Hope's name written on it as they honored and remembered Kael on his angelversary, I received a beautiful figurine from Angel Meredith's Mommy, Angels Hope and Alexis's Mommy sent me a very cute and creative halloween email picture using Janessa and Hope's names, and Angel Kaison's Mommy sent me an email just to let me know she was thinking of me and my angels.  Thank you so much my friends, and anyone else I may have missed, you'll never know how much these things mean to me right now. 

One of the things that gets stolen from you when your baby dies is the future with that baby--no fun pictures or memories to add to that baby's baby book.  These name pictures and "thinking of you emails" and cards, are my pictures and memories that I add to Janessa & Hope's Baby books.  In a different kind of way, it gives me back some of those stolen future pictures and memories and that brings me peace.  That is what I am hoping I am giving other Mommy of Angels when I send them their Angel Baby's Pinwheel pictures.

These are the same flowers that were in the 1st pictures with the dark clouds, but they are taken at different angles.  Looking at the flowers this way you can enjoy their beauty.  This is what all these kind acts have done for me--they have helped me look at my grief at a different angle and they truly have given me Hope amidst my Discouragement.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Oct. 15th--National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Remembrance Day

This Saturday, Oct. 15th, my Share Group is having a Remembrance Walk and Balloon Release.  I am grateful for the chance to go and remember my angel babies and walk steps for them that they will never take.  I didn't go last year because my grief was too new and raw and I didn't think I could handle it.  I did participate in the wave of light and I actually lit 2 candles last year 1 in honor of Janessa, and 1 in honor of my friends angel baby, Declan, who had just passed away a couple of weeks before. 

It just kind of hit me today that this year I will be lighting 2 candles again--this time for 2 of my angel babies Janessa & Hope and that has released a flood of emotions in me.

This is what my pinwheel garden looked like last year on Oct. 15th, 2010--there are 7 pinwheels in honor of Janesssa's 7 month Angel Birthday.

And this is what it looks like this year as today I remember Janessa's 19 Month Angel Birthday.

Remembering you today Janessa.  I am sad as I watch your older sister play and laugh and drive me crazy because she won't go to bed and I realize that you should be with her as her "partner in crime", you should be sharing a room together and keeping each other up all night.  I find peace and joy as I look at all the pinwheels that surround your pinwheel outside including your little sister's pinwheel,  Hope Abigail who is with you in Heaven--and your 70+ angel friends.  I am happy to be able to honor you and them this weekend as I light candles in your pinwheel garden--look down from Heaven as I send a special lighted "I Love You" message with candles.

I Love You my Precious Angel!

I miss you!

Love, Mommy

A Hug from Heaven and some Heartache

Yesterday was kind of a weird day.  I didn't want to wake up because I didn't want to face the 7th again. I did manage to force myself out of bed and stumble through the day.

The UPS man tried to deliver the wrong package to my house--a package of DIAPERS!!!!!!(freak out zone!)  Not a good thing to deliver to a woman who is enduring the 5 month angel birthday of her miscarried baby!!! Why diapers--why not tulip bulbs or books?!!!! and why yesterday, any other day and it wouldn't have been such a dramatic thing for me--why on the 7th?  Hello--slap in the face for me--you DON'T have an 18 month old and you are NOT pregnant with a baby that will need those diapers!

Okay so that was the heartache,  I also had a "hug from heaven" experience yesterday also.  In my scripture reading I read a chapter that had the word "Hope" 8 times in it.  That is the most I have ever seen the word used in a chapter of scriptures, and it meant a lot yesterday to be reading it on a day when I was missing my little Hope Abigail so much.  Seeing it 8 times was also significant to me because today I would have been 8 months pregnant with Hope. 

The 2 verses that meant the most to me were in Ether 12: 4, 6:

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

"And now, I Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because you see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

So I guess I am left to hope  for my 2 Angel Babies that I never got to see alive or see breathe, or see open their eyes, and combine faith with that hope that they are okay and someday I will see them again, but for now they will just send me hugs from heaven.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

The 7th Again

It is the 7th again!!  No matter how hard I try to stop it, it keeps coming around again.  It is really hard to move into the holiday months knowing that I will not be getting my little hoped for Baby Girl.  I should be 8 months pregnant, but instead I have 32 little pinwheels surrounding Hopes Memorial.

I have been going out every week taking pictures of Hopes pumpkin.  It is a very small pumpkin, but, I'm okay with that because Hope was a very tiny baby.  It brings me joy to go out and gently pat it and talk to it--I guess it's like a pregnant belly to me, but not really.  Next month I'll post the weekly pictures in honor of Hope's 6 month angel b-day.  But for today I'll give you a sneek peak.  Oh, I did manage to find another pumpkin growing for Janessa, believe it or not, in my pumpkin patch!  So I have been gently taking care of 2 little pumpkins.

Happy 5 Month Angel Birthday

Hope Abigail!

You are forever in my Heart! <3

Love,

Mommy

Hope's Pumpkin

Janessa's Pumpkin

Feeling Normal

What is it like to feel like a normal ordinary person without babyloss grief hanging over you? 

What is it like to not cringe in fear when you go out and see babies?

What is it like to not have the most valuable thing in your purse be kleenexes?

What is it like to not fear a certain day on the calendar every month?

I know I was "normal" a lot longer than I have "not been normal", but, I can't remember how my life felt before March 9th.  It is almost as if my life just began after that date.  I know that I will never regain my "normal" life ever again, and that is part of my grief. 

My friend told me that with grief you obtain a "new normal".  It may seem strange to those on the outside of the grief path, but, to those of us on the grief journey our "new normal" life is what we strive to find peace with.

I tried to be normal for this past month and switched my mismatched, neon shoelaces to normal matching ones, and I hated it. It just didn't feel right, I felt like I was trying to forget about my angel babies, so, this weekend I ripped out the "normal" shoelaces and replaced them with my "new normal" mismatched neon laces.

Sometimes though, I just miss being "normal".

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

October Angel Birthdays!

Happy Angel Birthday!

Claire 10/01

Meredith Helen 10/03 - 10/06

Gage 10/13

 Lucas 10/18

Rain Serenity Arizola 10/20

Devon James 10/27

Feodora Laurent 10/31