The best thing about today is that Christmas is over and I don't have to endure another one for 364 more days!!! This was my 3rd Christmas without Janessa and my 2nd without Hope. I had high expectations for myself that this was going to be a better Christmas this year and that I was going to be able to handle all my emotions and find joy and peace on Christmas day. I went to bed last night feeling like a total failure because it was NOT a good day yesterday. I think some of my expectations are of going back to how Christmas used to be before 2010 and that will never be again. I have to find a new normal for Christmas now.
I woke up Christmas morning not feeling good physically and emotionally I was a wreck. I was ornery, sad, angry, depressed and disappointed. I had actually done really well emotionally up to late Christmas Eve when I just started crying. I think I had a trigger moment while I was out shoveling snow and looked up and saw one of my neighbors was outside with her 1 year old granddaughter and I guess that triggered all the sadness that I should have a 1 year old too. Then packing all the kids Christmas stockings and placing their presents under the tree knowing that there was nothing to give Janessa and Hope made me sad too. I kind of felt like great another I HATE Christmas day to endure--will this never end--am I doomed to feel rotten for the rest of my life on Christmas? But, this morning as I felt the joy that all the stress of the Christmas season was over for another year, I looked back and realized that I'm not a complete failure this year.
So Christmas day wasn't so great, usually every day leading up to Christmas is like that, and this year I had really good days leading up to Christmas with only an occasional fall apart day. I was able to find ways to make Christmas more endurable for me and not so traumatizing. I was able to go to the cemetery and find joy and peace. I had a really good day Christmas Eve doing things with my family!! I even found the surprise and joy and happiness of opening unexpected gifts from my parents that I haven't felt in the past 3 years. I found true joy seeing that my parents had gifts for Janessa and Hope along with the gifts for my other children. That meant so much to me to have Janessa and Hope remembered!!! I sat down this morning and made a list of all the good things that I liked about Christmas this year and I ended up with 3 pages worth of things.
So yes, I fell apart on Christmas and that day was really hard and wasn't what I had hoped for, but, I'm not a complete failure with the Christmas season this year, because I found more peace, more calm, more joy, and more happiness this year than I have found the past 3 years.
Of course I am still really glad it is over!! :`)
