Welcome to the Dreary Cruise

I am almost 50.  I gave up hoping for a rainbow baby about 6 years ago after I had my 3rd miscarriage.  I thought I had made peace with that and I was okay knowing that I would never be able to have a rainbow baby.   But, for some reason all those old feelings of regret, anger, and sadness have resurfaced to pay me another visit.  It could be just that 2020 is such a miserable year that I am reliving everything, or maybe it is seeing some good friends who loss babies the same time as me miraculously become pregnant and finally get their wanted and hoped for rainbow babies.  I am thrilled for them, but, so sad for me.  They are younger than me, they have no children and I already have living children, why is this so hard for me to accept???  

I think because I feel like after you loose your baby, you are given a random envelope.  In that envelope is either a ticket to the Rainbow Cruise where you are given a chance to have a beloved rainbow baby and find healing and peace and happiness and joy and are able to progress forward on your journey.  It is the ticket that everyone wants.  In the other envelope is a ticket to the Dreary Cruise full of heartache, discouragement, doubt, and depression.  You never get rainbow healing, you never find true peace, you find bleakness and more heartache.  You feel like you never truly heal and you never truly progress forward you just go around and around in circles on a ship that is slowly sinking that you can never get off of.   That is the Cruise I am on and it feels extremely lonely.  I look at my life and all that my family and I  have endured and what little progress we have made and it is extremely discouraging.  I wonder all the time if one of my miscarried babies had been born alive as that precious rainbow baby would my life and my children's lives be different?  Would there be less stress, anxiety, and fear?  Would there be less depression?  Would we have had to endure so much counseling that at times feel like has been just a total waste of money and never seems to help?   Would we be able to find more joy and healing in our lives and feel like we were able to progress forward?  I think our lives would be so different.

I would love to feel like I can LIVE and ENJOY life instead of just enduring each day on the Dreary Cruise to nowhere.

2010 on Repeat

I hate feeling like I'm stuck in a version 10 of 2010 that is so much worse than it ever was.  Everything feels so out of control and crazy.  I hate how it sends me back to all the hard moments of 2010 and relive it all over again.  One time was enough!!! 

I have to admit though, that it would have been a dream come true in 2010 to not have any church and to be doing home church instead.  That would have saved me so much heartache having to see those living babies every single week.  Of course I sluffed church and left church so much because of my PTSD that I was practically doing home church then too.

This is a living nightmare for me to reach her 10th angel year and have to be living through a nightmare world pandemic with all the other added crazy things.  It makes me long for Janessa even more.  I pass her pictures in my room and hanging on the wall and my heart aches to see her and my arms feel so very empty.

Somebody please get 2010 off Repeat!!  I can't stand it anymore.

Goodbye 2020 we've had enough of you already!

Saying Goodbye

When the Pandemic started up in March our libraries were all closed and they moved all of our due dates for our books to the first of May, then to the first of June and then to June 11th.  I had no idea then that I would be quarantined with these same 11 books for the past 12 weeks.  This past week the Library outside book drops were finally opened up again and I said goodbye to most of those old familiar Pandemic friends.  It felt weird and sad to put them in the book drop, like I was saying goodbye to some of my history or at least something that was a normal sight in my room.  It was also a big reminder that things are still NOT normal and that this is our new normal for the next little while as the library remains closed.  We can put books on hold, but, we can't go into the library to look for books, we have to reserve a time to pick up the books then drive into a certain spot where they will bring the books out to a table and then you can get out of your car and get them after the library worker has left.  It is so anti social but so unfortunately still  necessary.  I have missed going into the library to just look for books.  I have not missed having to check library cards every weekend to see what was due and then do a library run to pick up holds and return books.  That has been a great 12 week break to not have library runs on our Saturday to do list.  The funny thing is, as I looked at some of the titles of the books I was quarantined with 3 on worry and stress, a few on travel, some on gardening, and then just a couple of fiction books, I wish I had actually read them!  I only managed to fully read 1 book and the others I just kind of skimmed through.  I guess I could never really calm down enough these past 12 weeks to just read so all those books just kind of sat there as a reminder of the way life use to be pre March 2020.  

June Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of June!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!