Happy 2nd Angel Birthday
Baby Hunter!
<3 <3
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Decorating Janessa's Grave for Easter
Today we went and decorated Janessa's grave for Easter. We got some really pretty pictures of the sun beginning to set over her grave. It still makes me sad to be there around holidays. Wish she was in my arms instead <3 <3 <3 <3
Silent Grief--The Hiding Game
Parents of child loss become world's best pretenders not by choice, but in order to survive in a world that doesn't always understand the grief of child loss. We hide our true feelings for fear of people thinking we're crazy (and sometimes we feel like we've reached the brink of going crazy!). We hide our tears for fear of others thinking we're stuck in our grief. We hide our inner questioning of God for fear of people thinking we've lost our faith. We try to hide our daily, ongoing pain -- but that's the one thing we can't always hide. We age ten years in a day, turn gray overnight, and our joy seems to vanish in a split second. This is such a difficult path to walk -- especially when we try so hard to hide our true selves. If only others would freely and unconditionally give us permission to grieve in our own way I'm sure our pain would diminish because we'd be getting the support we so desperately need!
By Clara Hinton of Silent Grief
By Clara Hinton of Silent Grief
Saturday, March 28, 2015
M.I.A. in March
I have been M.I.A. all through March. This has been a really hard month for me to get through and I am so glad to see it coming to an end!
I woke up this morning all emotional and really missing my angel babies. Then I looked out my windows and discovered that my neighborhood was doing their annual easter egg hunt. That was so hard to see all these little kids happily collecting easter eggs. I should have little kids young enough to participate in that, but, all my little kids are in Heaven. I burst into tears realizing that the only Easter Egg Hunt Janessa gets is tomorrow when I will take plastic Easter Eggs up to decorate her grave--so NOT the same. :`(
I've been kind of in frozen mode thinking about Jason since his angel birthday clear back in October. It's like my mind has locked up all the memories of him in order to protect myself. Problem is as we get to April and his due date again, those memories are starting to escape and I find myself so sad that next month should be Jason's 1st Birthday. There should be a little 1st birthday teddy bear cake and a ride-on-toy but there will be nothing.
I'm also really upset about this Saturday April 4th--Janessa's due date. It is so hard having it be so close to Easter and on the weekend like it was 5 years ago. It makes watching my church's General Conference really hard for me. I can't believe how stupid and naive I was 5 years ago after I loss Janessa. I honestly believed that after her due date of April 4th passed that I would be okay and everything would go back to normal. Little did I know that April 4th was just the beginning of many, many, many, hard trigger days to come for that year and all the years thereafter.
I woke up this morning all emotional and really missing my angel babies. Then I looked out my windows and discovered that my neighborhood was doing their annual easter egg hunt. That was so hard to see all these little kids happily collecting easter eggs. I should have little kids young enough to participate in that, but, all my little kids are in Heaven. I burst into tears realizing that the only Easter Egg Hunt Janessa gets is tomorrow when I will take plastic Easter Eggs up to decorate her grave--so NOT the same. :`(
I've been kind of in frozen mode thinking about Jason since his angel birthday clear back in October. It's like my mind has locked up all the memories of him in order to protect myself. Problem is as we get to April and his due date again, those memories are starting to escape and I find myself so sad that next month should be Jason's 1st Birthday. There should be a little 1st birthday teddy bear cake and a ride-on-toy but there will be nothing.
I'm also really upset about this Saturday April 4th--Janessa's due date. It is so hard having it be so close to Easter and on the weekend like it was 5 years ago. It makes watching my church's General Conference really hard for me. I can't believe how stupid and naive I was 5 years ago after I loss Janessa. I honestly believed that after her due date of April 4th passed that I would be okay and everything would go back to normal. Little did I know that April 4th was just the beginning of many, many, many, hard trigger days to come for that year and all the years thereafter.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
The Last 1st Angel Birthday
Today has been a really hard day for me. It really hasn't been the day of peace and calm I was hoping for--neither was Janessa's angel birthday. In fact it has felt like one big failure!
My plan to get up early and watch a beautiful sunrise--shattered by dark, dreary, gloomy, rainy skies where there was hardly any sun at all. That was a big disappointment to me. I wanted a sunrise full of color and light--a message of love and hope to me from Rae Anne and God that life was going to be okay. Instead I got doom and gloom and emptiness--what I've felt all year.
My plan to get up early and watch a beautiful sunrise--shattered by dark, dreary, gloomy, rainy skies where there was hardly any sun at all. That was a big disappointment to me. I wanted a sunrise full of color and light--a message of love and hope to me from Rae Anne and God that life was going to be okay. Instead I got doom and gloom and emptiness--what I've felt all year.
I am grateful that I did manage to capture the sunrise yesterday, Sunday the 22nd--the day of the week last year that I miscarried so I guess these pictures will have to make up for the lousy sunrise this morning.
I was so disappointed to hear the forecast of cold and rain for Rae Anne's b-day. It has been so nice and warm the last couple of weeks that I thought for sure it would stay the same. I planned a short hike and picnic so I could be out of the house at the time the miscarriage happened because I hate reliving the memories. I planned our usually things of chalk drawing b-day cards and balloon releases.
Because of the prediction of rain everyone did their chalk drawing cards yesterday so that they wouldn't instantly get washed away today. Because it hasn't rained since Janessa's b-day all of her chalk drawing b-day cards were still on the driveway so we had to do Rae Anne's around hers.
I even decorated Rae Anne's memorial stone yesterday so I wouldn't have to do it in the rain.
The problem is the prediction of all day rain didn't happen. Yes, it was cloudy and cold, but, the rain didn't come until. . . . . . .you guessed it time to release balloons. We attempted to go on our hike and picnic, but, that was a total disaster because of a run in with billions of gnats and mosquitoes that tried to carry us away so we ended up having our picnic at home--I think we all would have preferred the rain to the bugs! When I bought the balloons I ended up popping some of them trying to get them in the car before I even got them home. I'd had enough of life after that and just came home and threw myself on my bed and just laid there for the next couple of hours. We did manage to sneak outside between storms and release the balloons--but most of the pictures I took just turned out blurry and one of my daughters balloons got tangled and didn't go up with the others.
So now it's over. No more 1st Angel Birthdays. No more Rainbow Babies. No more Monthly Angel Birthdays. The chalk drawings are all erased--washed away by the rain that finally came. The Owl necklace, shirt, and socks that I've worn each month on the 23rd in honor and remembrance of Rae Anne will be packed away now only to be worn once a year. No more flowers to put around Rae Anne's remembrance stone--all 12 flowers are there now. No more double grief monthly angel birthdays that I have endured for the last 1 1/2 years. In a way it is good because I am so very tired of it all. The grief and depression from loosing both Jason and Rae Anne has left me physically ill and both physically and emotionally exhausted. In another way I feel so very sad, because those monthly reminders gave me a tangible connection to my babies. Now all I am left with is emptiness. I look around and see others so easily get pregnant and go through the 9 months and return home with an alive baby in their arms--something I ache for and will never get again. It just leaves me with this big gaping hole in my heart that will never heal until I am reunited with my angel babies. I feel lost--like I've lost my purpose or maybe I've outgrown this stage in my life and I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to feel or what to think. I long for the peace and joy that I felt on Janessa's 1st angel birthday and that peace and joy I felt in 2012 when I had finally accepted both Hope and Janessa's deaths.
I just know that I will always miss Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne and will always wish that they were here.
Rae Anne's 1st Angel Birthday
I've had a hard time putting this blog post together. It just seems so unreal to be remembering yet another one of my Angel Babies on their 1st Angel Birthdays. I've been through this 4 times now and I hate it. It never gets any easier. I feel like for the past 5 years I really haven't had the chance to grieve and heal because I have constantly been grieving for an angel baby and enduring that first year. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm so stuck when I look at how far others who loss babies when I loss Janessa have progressed on their grief journey. I've had a hard time functioning since enduring Janessa's 5th angel birthday a couple of weeks ago knowing that I was coming up on Rae Anne's 1st Angel B-day.
My little Rae you were my last hope and dream of having a rainbow baby. It hurts to know that you were taken from me too. I am grateful for the short 6 weeks we had together. I am grateful for the last positive pregnancy test I got with you and the happiness that brought me. I wish that instead of celebrating your 1st Angel Birthday, you were in my arms as my alive 4 month old baby. You slipped in and out of my life too fast. I see you in every sunrise and sunset. In every yellow and orange flower. In every moment of joy and happiness and peace that I feel, I think of you. Thank you for the imprint you have made on my heart and in my life. There truly is
.jpg)
My little Rae you were my last hope and dream of having a rainbow baby. It hurts to know that you were taken from me too. I am grateful for the short 6 weeks we had together. I am grateful for the last positive pregnancy test I got with you and the happiness that brought me. I wish that instead of celebrating your 1st Angel Birthday, you were in my arms as my alive 4 month old baby. You slipped in and out of my life too fast. I see you in every sunrise and sunset. In every yellow and orange flower. In every moment of joy and happiness and peace that I feel, I think of you. Thank you for the imprint you have made on my heart and in my life. There truly is
NO FOOT TOO SMALL THAT IT CAN NOT MAKE AND IMPRINT ON THIS WORLD!
A PERSON'S A PERSON NO MATTER HOW SMALL!
HAPPY 1st ANGEL BIRTHDAY
RAE ANNE!
You are "OWL" ways
Remembered
Missed
and Loved!
You are "OWL" ways
in my Heart!
Love, Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)