Happy 33rd Angel Birthday
Reita Gale!
<3 <3 <3
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
Rebecca Leigh's Angel Birthday May 29th
Happy 12th Angel Birthday
Rebecca Leigh!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Triggers
This week for my choosing your breath workshop we are suppose to write down all of our "Triggers" This was really hard for me. I chose a picture of a tornado with a lightening storm going on around it and wrote all of my triggers around it. I ended up with 3 pages of all my triggers. That was so overwhelming to see all of the things that trigger memories of my angel babies. For me some of the things on the list cause a ptsd reaction that cause me to freeze up--not be able to think straight--I can't breathe--I start to cry uncontrollably and I panic and have this have to escape mode where I just up and run out of where ever I am at. When I went through my EMDR therapy to help ease some of those trigger things my therapist did give me some coping exercises that I can use when I feel a ptsd trigger coming on--sometimes it works and sometimes I still have to just leave and find some place alone to just cry and breathe and let the memories just work their way through me.
The next part of the exercise was if we felt we were in a place to handle it write down some ways to cope with these trigger things. It has been 5 years since I loss Janessa, but, unfortunately in those 5 years I have loss 3 other babies and I am still not in a place to write down a so called battle plan for my triggers, so, I just drew a big question mark and labeled it how do you tame a tornado and then left blank pages for a future time when maybe I have some answers.
I have learned to cope in small ways because I know certain things do cause triggers in me so I just avoid the situation--like mothers day and baby blessings at church are huge triggers for me so I just sluff on those days. I've noticed that some things that were awful triggers for me in the beginning aren't as bad now, like baby aisles at stores. When I first lost Janessa I would avoid baby aisles like the plague because it was like someone stabbing me in the heart whenever I went by one. Today and the past couple of weeks I've found myself accidentally going down those aisles and I can breathe now and just have a longing for my empty arms so that has gotten better, but, I still avoid those aisles whenever possible. It is just so hard knowing there are so many things that still hurt and cause me pain and probably will for the rest of my life.
The next part of the exercise was if we felt we were in a place to handle it write down some ways to cope with these trigger things. It has been 5 years since I loss Janessa, but, unfortunately in those 5 years I have loss 3 other babies and I am still not in a place to write down a so called battle plan for my triggers, so, I just drew a big question mark and labeled it how do you tame a tornado and then left blank pages for a future time when maybe I have some answers.
I have learned to cope in small ways because I know certain things do cause triggers in me so I just avoid the situation--like mothers day and baby blessings at church are huge triggers for me so I just sluff on those days. I've noticed that some things that were awful triggers for me in the beginning aren't as bad now, like baby aisles at stores. When I first lost Janessa I would avoid baby aisles like the plague because it was like someone stabbing me in the heart whenever I went by one. Today and the past couple of weeks I've found myself accidentally going down those aisles and I can breathe now and just have a longing for my empty arms so that has gotten better, but, I still avoid those aisles whenever possible. It is just so hard knowing there are so many things that still hurt and cause me pain and probably will for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Visiting my Baby at the cemetery
There is just something wrong with typing those words visiting my baby at the cemetery, yet, that is my life and my reality. I feel bad because I haven't been able to visit Janessa's grave since March. I left confetti and they normally don't clean that up so I thought there would still be decorations there. Problem is they hedged around all the graves for memorial day so it blew away all the confetti, that made me feel really bad that her grave has sat there empty for 2 months. I didn't even stay very long this time because I've been really sick with the flu these past couple of days and moving around is torturous and exhausting. I left more confetti that hopefully will stay on her headstone as a token of my love for her until I go to visit her again.
I Love You Janessa!
Missing You a lot right now!
Love, Mommy
The sunset as we were coming home from the cemetery--we lucked out and didn't get rained on.
Friday, May 22, 2015
The Ladybug Cake
Was out grocery shopping the other day when I came upon this cute yellow ladybug cake in the clearance section. It instantly reminded me of Hope and I just had to buy it because I was in need of a little hope. Discovered this cake was made last week on my birthday--it was meant to be mine. heart emoticon It was the best tasting store bought cake I have ever had. s
mile emoticon
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Friday, May 15, 2015
Tomorrow
A couple of months ago I watched the new 2014 version of the movie Annie. I loved how they modernized this familiar story and I absolutely loved the music in this version. I loved it so much that I bought the cd for myself for my birthday.
There is a couple of songs that just hit home with me. The first song is called "Who am I?" In the movie it is when Ms. Hannigan is questioning the way her life has turned out, but, she doesn't feel hopeless because she knows she has today to change all of that and become someone new. Some of the words are "yesterday is dead and gone and me along with it, but, I got to today--I want to change." I can relate to this song because as I look back on the past 5 years and how grief has totally controlled my life, in some ways for good, but, in other ways not so good and I want to leave all of that behind and change into the Shauna who accepts my life the way it is and is able to continue to move forward weaving the deaths of Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne into the tapestry of my life. I want to find my Hope and Faith again.
The other song is my favorite--Tomorrow. I have loved this song since I was a little kid. I would sing it out loud when I felt happy and sad. I kind of forgot about this song until I watched this new version of Annie and my love for it was renewed all over again and I can relate to it in a new way now. Just like Annie I was looking for a preplanned tomorrow--hers to find her birth parents, mine to have all of my children alive and well and then when I had angel babies to just have a rainbow baby to make it all okay again. Annie never found her birth parents, but, found something new and different instead and that made everything okay--her tomorrow brought sun and she did hang on. My tomorrow is different than what I wanted to. My tomorrow is letting go of the pregnancy, baby, toddler, preschooler, little kids stage of my life without a rainbow baby. I'm still discovering what my new tomorrow is so I am still hanging on and hoping for the sun of tomorrow until I have courage, hope, and faith to keep moving forward and discover the new adventures that await me.
The Sun will come out Tomorrow, betcha bottom dollar that Tomorrow there'll be sun. Just thinking about Tomorrow clears away the cob webs and the sorrow till there's none. When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya Tomorrow, your only a day away.
There is a couple of songs that just hit home with me. The first song is called "Who am I?" In the movie it is when Ms. Hannigan is questioning the way her life has turned out, but, she doesn't feel hopeless because she knows she has today to change all of that and become someone new. Some of the words are "yesterday is dead and gone and me along with it, but, I got to today--I want to change." I can relate to this song because as I look back on the past 5 years and how grief has totally controlled my life, in some ways for good, but, in other ways not so good and I want to leave all of that behind and change into the Shauna who accepts my life the way it is and is able to continue to move forward weaving the deaths of Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne into the tapestry of my life. I want to find my Hope and Faith again.
The other song is my favorite--Tomorrow. I have loved this song since I was a little kid. I would sing it out loud when I felt happy and sad. I kind of forgot about this song until I watched this new version of Annie and my love for it was renewed all over again and I can relate to it in a new way now. Just like Annie I was looking for a preplanned tomorrow--hers to find her birth parents, mine to have all of my children alive and well and then when I had angel babies to just have a rainbow baby to make it all okay again. Annie never found her birth parents, but, found something new and different instead and that made everything okay--her tomorrow brought sun and she did hang on. My tomorrow is different than what I wanted to. My tomorrow is letting go of the pregnancy, baby, toddler, preschooler, little kids stage of my life without a rainbow baby. I'm still discovering what my new tomorrow is so I am still hanging on and hoping for the sun of tomorrow until I have courage, hope, and faith to keep moving forward and discover the new adventures that await me.
The Sun will come out Tomorrow, betcha bottom dollar that Tomorrow there'll be sun. Just thinking about Tomorrow clears away the cob webs and the sorrow till there's none. When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya Tomorrow, your only a day away.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Janessa Marie's Angel Birthday May 14th
Happy 6th Angel Birthday
to Malory's little Angel
Janessa Marie!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Malory makes beautiful little angel butterflies using your angel babies footprints visit her at Butterfly Footprints.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Why I Hate Mothers Day
I sat my kids down yesterday to talk to them about why I hate mothers day, because I was afraid that they were thinking that I was saying that I hate being a mother and I hate motherhood in general.
I don't hate being a mother, I LOVE being a mother and I LOVE motherhood. Being a part of creating another human being and then carrying that baby for 9 months feeling them moved and kick and have hiccups and respond to voices is an AMAZING and MIRACULOUS experience--one I wouldn't trade for anything. Watching the baby be born and holding them and seeing them see the world for the first time is incredible. Watching that baby grow to become a toddler, preschooler, child, preteen, teenager, then adult is amazing. I love seeing them learn and grow. It isn't all fun and games though, it is a lot of hard work and some days it really, really, stinks and you wish you could quit, but, it is definitely all worth it. It is those feelings that make me feel so sad and loss after loosing Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne because I got cheated out of all those experiences. And mothers day is a big reminder to me that those things were taken away from me.
Before I loss Janessa, I didn't like mothers day because I hated going to church and hearing all the talks about peoples perfect mothers and wives--it made me feel like such a failure. There was no way I could ever live up to those "perfect" reputations. I also didn't like how some of my friends who were not married and others who were not able to have children felt awful on mothers day too. My heart ached for them too.
My feelings of dislike for mothers day intensified after I loss Janessa in 2010. It became a day of torture to remind me that all my children were not with me. Then I saw blm friends who hurt and ached on that day because they were experiencing the same pain that I was feeling. I still remember the first mothers day after I loss Janessa. It had been 2 months and I thought I was okay so I went to church. Hearing all the speakers talk about mothers sacrificing and going through 9 months and then labor and delivery and getting that perfect reward that baby to cuddle in your arms was the most tortuous thing I have ever endured. I had tears streaming down my face when I ran out of the building half way through the meeting. I cried all the way home and then spent the rest of the day in tears longing for my perfect baby who was lying in a grave at the cemetery. I determined from that day on that I would NEVER endure another mothers day like that again. I give myself the day off from church for mothers day. It was awful in 2011 when I ended up miscarrying Hope Abigail mothers day weekend. That was the worst mothers day gift ever! Each year that I have loss another of my babies has made this holiday worse and worse to get through. This year is especially hard because 5 of my children are missing--4 in Heaven, 1 married and not living here anymore. I have cringed with every ad on tv, radio, newspaper, emails, and fb for mothers day. I literally have to run in and out of stores with my eyes half closed because of all the displays. I just would like to crawl into a deep hole and hide for this whole weekend until all this mothers day crap is over!
So NO, I don't hate Motherhood or being a Mom, I just hate the holiday that discriminates and makes most women feel miserable and like total failures.
I don't hate being a mother, I LOVE being a mother and I LOVE motherhood. Being a part of creating another human being and then carrying that baby for 9 months feeling them moved and kick and have hiccups and respond to voices is an AMAZING and MIRACULOUS experience--one I wouldn't trade for anything. Watching the baby be born and holding them and seeing them see the world for the first time is incredible. Watching that baby grow to become a toddler, preschooler, child, preteen, teenager, then adult is amazing. I love seeing them learn and grow. It isn't all fun and games though, it is a lot of hard work and some days it really, really, stinks and you wish you could quit, but, it is definitely all worth it. It is those feelings that make me feel so sad and loss after loosing Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne because I got cheated out of all those experiences. And mothers day is a big reminder to me that those things were taken away from me.
Before I loss Janessa, I didn't like mothers day because I hated going to church and hearing all the talks about peoples perfect mothers and wives--it made me feel like such a failure. There was no way I could ever live up to those "perfect" reputations. I also didn't like how some of my friends who were not married and others who were not able to have children felt awful on mothers day too. My heart ached for them too.
My feelings of dislike for mothers day intensified after I loss Janessa in 2010. It became a day of torture to remind me that all my children were not with me. Then I saw blm friends who hurt and ached on that day because they were experiencing the same pain that I was feeling. I still remember the first mothers day after I loss Janessa. It had been 2 months and I thought I was okay so I went to church. Hearing all the speakers talk about mothers sacrificing and going through 9 months and then labor and delivery and getting that perfect reward that baby to cuddle in your arms was the most tortuous thing I have ever endured. I had tears streaming down my face when I ran out of the building half way through the meeting. I cried all the way home and then spent the rest of the day in tears longing for my perfect baby who was lying in a grave at the cemetery. I determined from that day on that I would NEVER endure another mothers day like that again. I give myself the day off from church for mothers day. It was awful in 2011 when I ended up miscarrying Hope Abigail mothers day weekend. That was the worst mothers day gift ever! Each year that I have loss another of my babies has made this holiday worse and worse to get through. This year is especially hard because 5 of my children are missing--4 in Heaven, 1 married and not living here anymore. I have cringed with every ad on tv, radio, newspaper, emails, and fb for mothers day. I literally have to run in and out of stores with my eyes half closed because of all the displays. I just would like to crawl into a deep hole and hide for this whole weekend until all this mothers day crap is over!
So NO, I don't hate Motherhood or being a Mom, I just hate the holiday that discriminates and makes most women feel miserable and like total failures.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Hope's 4th Angel Birthday
Today has gone okay. I kept things pretty simple because I never know how I will be emotionally on Angel B-days. Started out with a sunrise that I thought was a let-down but turned out to be pretty beautiful.
Next, we ran out and did b-day card chalk drawings on the sidewalk. I wasn't sure how long these would last because the weather predicted rain. In fact, right after we got done we had a quick storm roll through, but, luckily it wasn't enough to wash them away. We've had little rain sprinkles all afternoon, but, nothing big enough to wash our cards away which I'm grateful for because I was hoping that they would last the whole day. I was so happy that our married daughter was able to come over and make a chalk card drawing too.
Next, we ran out and did b-day card chalk drawings on the sidewalk. I wasn't sure how long these would last because the weather predicted rain. In fact, right after we got done we had a quick storm roll through, but, luckily it wasn't enough to wash them away. We've had little rain sprinkles all afternoon, but, nothing big enough to wash our cards away which I'm grateful for because I was hoping that they would last the whole day. I was so happy that our married daughter was able to come over and make a chalk card drawing too.
It made me happy to see a lot of my family wearing yellow in remembrance of Hope Abigail, and we had a blast with our yellow socks!
When I went out to decorate Hope's Remembrance Stone I was so happy to see real ladybugs crawling on it--a Hug from Heaven from Hope to let me know she loved me.
I was even able to make a birthday cake for Hope, which I can never do for my other angel babies because it make me too sad. It was hard as we ate the cake to not have Hope there to sing happy birthday to and to enjoy her own cake :`(
We ended the evening lighting 4 luminary candles and enjoying the new colored flower solar lights that I put out by all of their remembrance stones. I'm grateful Hope's birthday has been a good day, and I'm grateful that now all my angel birthdays are over until October. I'm grateful to stop wearing yellow--I like yellow, but, 10 days of it is enough! Finally, after a year of enduring, I get a break from angel birthdays and monthly angel anniversary dates. Now maybe I can catch my breath and try to unstress and find a little bit of calm and peace in my life again.
Thank you to everyone who remembered Hope Abigail today and left comments and sent pictures--it means a lot to me.
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