Happy Angel Birthday
Johnathon Michael!
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Monday, June 30, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Remembering Rae Anne--3 Months
My sweet little Rae Anne 3 months ago you slipped quickly into and then out of our lives but we are forever changed because of you.
Missing you today and always. Was so happy to find an orange/red/yellow lily outside that represented you and that your clay baby arrived in the mail this month.
Missing you today and always. Was so happy to find an orange/red/yellow lily outside that represented you and that your clay baby arrived in the mail this month.
We Love you!
We Miss you!
Your are Forever and "Owl" ways in our Hearts!
Love, Mommy
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Happy Anniversary!
Woke up this morning to the wonderful smell of roses and discovered rose petals all over my room!
Happy Anniversary to my AWESOME husband!!!
Happy Anniversary to my AWESOME husband!!!
A beautiful hankie my husband had embroidered for me.
The hankie with my morning rainbows reflected on it.
This IS My Happily Ever After!
I think that too often we think of "Happily Ever
After" as the same happy ending for
everyone like Cinderella. What we don't
realize is that "Happily Ever After" is not the ending, it is the here
and now and it is different and unique for each person. It is full of happy and
sad moments. It is full of unexpected
and different moments. Some times it is
just finding peace, hope, and acceptance in the here and now even though it isn't
exactly how you pictured it or wanted it to be.
I guess I have been too stuck on thinking my "Happily Ever After" needed to have all my children here alive and in my arms or at least a rainbow baby to help make up for all the hurt and loss we have had. That is just not ever going to happen and I refuse to believe that just because the way I pictured my happily ever after isn't the way it is turning out that I have to miss out on happily ever after. When I see my living children and my husband and the bears that represent my angel children and all that they have taught me and continue to teach me and that because of them I now have baby loss mommy friends all over the world, I realize that
right now, in this moment, even though I am grieving and have sad and happy moments all day long, THIS IS MY HAPPILY EVER AFTER and I am content and at peace with that. I don't need the Cinderella riding off into the sunset moments--I have every thing I need right here.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
The Forgotten Bag
Yesterday I was cleaning up my closet and came upon a bag that was stuffed clear in the back. I pulled it out only to discover that it was the bag I got from my first obgyn appointment when I was pregnant with my miscarried baby Jason. I kind of just stood there stunned as all these emotions and memories started flooding over me. I remember feeling so grateful that we were doing Jason's pregnancy different than Hopes and that at 8 weeks I had made my first obgyn appointment. I remember feeling like I had earned a great trophy just by being able to be given that bag almost like it contained some secret formula to ward off miscarriage. That bag represents the healing I received that day as we found Jason's heartbeat on the ultrasound machine and how I started to cry because I was so relieved and so happy that finally an ultrasound machine showed a beating heart instead of a silent one like with Hope and Janessa. That bag carried those precious first ultrasound pictures home. I had stuck the neon pink tape that they had wrapped around my arm after they took blood into the bag. I remember the look of shock as the technicians asked me what number baby this was and their jaws dropped to the floor when I said #9. I remember taking that tape off before I walked in the door and hiding it in the bag because we didn't want our kids to know yet and how I snuck out later that night when they were asleep and got the bag from under the seat and hid it in the back of my closet.
Inside this bag is just stuff that is plain and ordinary to other people--sample formula--sample prenatal pills--ads for baby stuff and pediatricians--but for me this bag represents all my hopes and dreams, all the things I will never get to use, all the excitement I had bringing this bag home filled with so much hope that this time this pregnancy would be different. And that is how my husband found me clutching these items in a state of a trigger shock moment wondering why my life had to turn out so different. I shoved most of the things into my husbands arms and told him to just throw it all away. The only mementos I kept from that experience is the bag and the bright neon tape. 8 months that bag has lay hidden in my closet--why did it have to surface now? :`(
Inside this bag is just stuff that is plain and ordinary to other people--sample formula--sample prenatal pills--ads for baby stuff and pediatricians--but for me this bag represents all my hopes and dreams, all the things I will never get to use, all the excitement I had bringing this bag home filled with so much hope that this time this pregnancy would be different. And that is how my husband found me clutching these items in a state of a trigger shock moment wondering why my life had to turn out so different. I shoved most of the things into my husbands arms and told him to just throw it all away. The only mementos I kept from that experience is the bag and the bright neon tape. 8 months that bag has lay hidden in my closet--why did it have to surface now? :`(
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Our Summer Project
I still have the 40 little hats that I knit for the 40 weeks of Jason's pregnancy still hanging outside above his remembrance stone. I just can't get myself to take it down because it looks so peaceful and beautiful out there.
I essentially stopped knitting the hats once I hit April and his due date. As I was looking at the 20 extra hats that I had and wondered what I should do with them, it hit me that these little hats would look so beautiful on the Christmas Angel Tree this year with all the Angel Children names stuck on them. So I bought more little knit looms and taught my younger girls how to make the hats and together we have set a goal to make over 200 hats over the summer. My girls are so excited to help in this project. So far in the past 5 days we have made 45 hats. Every time I knit a little hat I think about the little angel baby it is going to represent and I feel such a calm and peace. I just can't wait to see this Christmas Angel Tree this year! It has been a lot of fun to share this project with my younger girls and see their joy and enthusiasm making the hats as well.
So for everyone who I have done a pinwheel picture for your angel children will automatically be included in this event. We will make extra hats to include other angel children friends we haven't met yet as well. Love having this fun project to help with the grief emotions that seems to hit me in the summer with all my extra time.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
The Broken Rose
Found a very interesting discovery in back of my remembrance garden. There were roses trying to bloom that were laying on the ground from a stem that I thought had been trimmed off. On further investigation I discovered that the stem wasn't completely cut off from the main vine and is still attached by a small piece. I am shocked that this vine is still receiving enough nourishment that it can still produce blooms. Sometimes I feel like that vine a gigantic hole deep inside me that I thought would prevent me from feeling anything for the rest of my life. Gives me hope that I will find beauty and joy in life again someday.
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