Sean Patrick Jr.'s PinWheel
Jessica Angela's PinWheel
Issac Edward's PinWheel
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
First SnowHearts of 2014
I woke up today to yucky, wet, snow. Spent 30 minutes getting a total aerobic and strength training workout shoveling the snow off the driveway and sidewalks. This was really depressing! I have really enjoyed the warm mild weather with clear dry roads that we have had the past 2 weeks. I was hoping winter would just stay like that. To cheer myself up I went out and made snowhearts--4 for angel babies who responded to my facebook page contest and then 3 for Janessa, Hope, and Jason.
Happy Early Valentines Day my little Angels <3 <3 <3!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
The Storm of Grief begins Again
As January begins to come to a close and February and the 30 days before Janessa's 4th Angel Birthday get closer and closer I can feel the familiar anxiety and heart pounding beginning. On the outside I exhibit calm, but, inside the storm of grief is beginning to churn as memories begin to flood in of the last month that Janessa was alive. I hate and love this journey down memory road that I am forced to take every year.
This year was suppose to be better. This year was suppose to be easier. This year I was suppose to be 7 1/2 months pregnant as I faced these memories. This year Jason was suppose to help me through this hard memory day as I felt him kicking and moving and I was suppose to feel hope and healing that he would soon be in my empty arms. This year instead of healing and peace and calm, I have the added grief of yet another angel child mixed in with all the grief over loosing Janessa. This year I have all the loss dreams and hopes of being pregnant with Jason. This year I have the added grief that I have loss my chance with Jason of a rainbow baby, and there will never be a rainbow baby to help calm the storm that Janessa's death left. All of Janessa's other Angel Birthdays I have faced with an inner hope that there would be a rainbow baby to fill my empty arms--now that hope is gone. I guess this year it is my "reality check" that all three of my babies are gone and there is nothing to fill my empty arms and aching heart.
No Mother should ever have to endure this all encompassing pain. This year if I could I would just skip February/March/April/and May.
I watched the movie Chestnut and the scene where the one little girl is sad because she can't find her sister and the song I Don't Want to Loose You played it was hard for me to contain my emotions. That song fits me perfectly this year.
This year was suppose to be better. This year was suppose to be easier. This year I was suppose to be 7 1/2 months pregnant as I faced these memories. This year Jason was suppose to help me through this hard memory day as I felt him kicking and moving and I was suppose to feel hope and healing that he would soon be in my empty arms. This year instead of healing and peace and calm, I have the added grief of yet another angel child mixed in with all the grief over loosing Janessa. This year I have all the loss dreams and hopes of being pregnant with Jason. This year I have the added grief that I have loss my chance with Jason of a rainbow baby, and there will never be a rainbow baby to help calm the storm that Janessa's death left. All of Janessa's other Angel Birthdays I have faced with an inner hope that there would be a rainbow baby to fill my empty arms--now that hope is gone. I guess this year it is my "reality check" that all three of my babies are gone and there is nothing to fill my empty arms and aching heart.
No Mother should ever have to endure this all encompassing pain. This year if I could I would just skip February/March/April/and May.
I watched the movie Chestnut and the scene where the one little girl is sad because she can't find her sister and the song I Don't Want to Loose You played it was hard for me to contain my emotions. That song fits me perfectly this year.
Don't see any Rainbow,
All I see is raindrops falling,
Don't see any moon light,
All I see is darkness falling,
I don't wanna be here
and I don't want a lifetime here without you.
Don't hear any children, All I hear is mothers calling, Suddenly the silence,
everything is slowly falling,
I don't wanna be here,
and I don't want a lifetime here without you.
I can't stand to watch you go,
Isn't there a prayer we all know,
I can barely look into your eyes now,
I don't want to lose you,
and I don't want to loose you now.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
It is HARD
It is hard to say that there will never be a rainbow baby in our home.
It is hard to realize that all of those things I bought for Janessa will never be used by one of my babies.
It is hard to see that bassinette still in the box in the closet never to hold one of my babies.
It is hard to know that I will never feel that rainbow healing peace that only a rainbow baby can bring.
It is hard knowing that I will never get that "feeling normal" and people looking at me as a "normal" person with an alive baby and not that weird lady who has dead babies because I will never have another alive baby.
It is hard seeing others get their rainbow babies--I am so very happy for them, but, I wish I was still in their club, but, I will never have access to their club membership. I hate that I have been kicked out twice now.
It is hard seeing others be pregnant and bring home their alive babies the way you are suppose to and not feel sad and question why me? Why was I in that lousy 1% that had a still born baby and in that lousy 10%-20% of women who loose their babies to miscarriage between 10-12 weeks? Why has this kept happening to me over and over and OVER again? Why 3 Angel Babies?
It is hard all the feelings of failure and rejection that you have when you can never have a rainbow baby.
I will always wish that I could have ended my pregnancy/baby stage of my life with an alive rainbow baby--it is hard ending on yet another dead baby.
It is hard, but, in my heart I know that this was meant to be. As I see the happiness that the pinwheel pictures bring others, and as I see the joy and peace others feel when they see that their angel baby has been remembered in one of my Angel Remembrance Activities or on their Angel Birthday Post, I can't help but think that God's rainbow plan for my life was meant to be different--He needed my help in other ways than raising a rainbow baby. In my heart I know that had my rainbow babies lived this life of giving service through my PinWheel Blog would have come to a close for I would have been too busy with a baby to reach out. For some getting and raising a rainbow baby is their mission and for some like me learning to live without a rainbow baby and having that sympathy and empathy for others and the time to reach out and help others is my mission in life. I am truly like the person who is alone and walking along the beach and tossing one at a time the star fish back into the ocean. It may not be making the biggest difference to a lot of people, but, to each baby loss mommy I am able to help it makes a difference to them and that is how I will get my different kind of rainbow healing.
It is hard learning to live without a rainbow baby, but, I am surviving it one day at a time.
It is hard to realize that all of those things I bought for Janessa will never be used by one of my babies.
It is hard to see that bassinette still in the box in the closet never to hold one of my babies.
It is hard to know that I will never feel that rainbow healing peace that only a rainbow baby can bring.
It is hard knowing that I will never get that "feeling normal" and people looking at me as a "normal" person with an alive baby and not that weird lady who has dead babies because I will never have another alive baby.
It is hard seeing others get their rainbow babies--I am so very happy for them, but, I wish I was still in their club, but, I will never have access to their club membership. I hate that I have been kicked out twice now.
It is hard seeing others be pregnant and bring home their alive babies the way you are suppose to and not feel sad and question why me? Why was I in that lousy 1% that had a still born baby and in that lousy 10%-20% of women who loose their babies to miscarriage between 10-12 weeks? Why has this kept happening to me over and over and OVER again? Why 3 Angel Babies?
It is hard all the feelings of failure and rejection that you have when you can never have a rainbow baby.
I will always wish that I could have ended my pregnancy/baby stage of my life with an alive rainbow baby--it is hard ending on yet another dead baby.
It is hard, but, in my heart I know that this was meant to be. As I see the happiness that the pinwheel pictures bring others, and as I see the joy and peace others feel when they see that their angel baby has been remembered in one of my Angel Remembrance Activities or on their Angel Birthday Post, I can't help but think that God's rainbow plan for my life was meant to be different--He needed my help in other ways than raising a rainbow baby. In my heart I know that had my rainbow babies lived this life of giving service through my PinWheel Blog would have come to a close for I would have been too busy with a baby to reach out. For some getting and raising a rainbow baby is their mission and for some like me learning to live without a rainbow baby and having that sympathy and empathy for others and the time to reach out and help others is my mission in life. I am truly like the person who is alone and walking along the beach and tossing one at a time the star fish back into the ocean. It may not be making the biggest difference to a lot of people, but, to each baby loss mommy I am able to help it makes a difference to them and that is how I will get my different kind of rainbow healing.
It is hard learning to live without a rainbow baby, but, I am surviving it one day at a time.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Unwanted 14
I love the number 14, I love that my birthday is on a 14th and I love that it is 2014, but, I DON'T like today's 14. Today it has been 14 weeks since I loss Jason <3 Today I should only have 14 weeks left until he is born. :`(
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
The first 14 of 2014--January 14th
I love the number 14!!! It has always been my favorite number, probably because I was born on the 14th of May and I had my first child on a 14th. I consider 2014 to be my year!! My year of hope!! My year of healing!!! My year of new beginnings!!! I've decided that every month on the 14th in 2014 I am going to buy something fun either for our family or for our new kitten that we are on a waiting list for.
So, for January 14th I bought something for our family and for our future cat:
Cat Scratcher Lounger and Looney Loops Toy for our future Kitten
And
The Movie Savannah Smiles for our family--love this movie!!!
So, for January 14th I bought something for our family and for our future cat:
Cat Scratcher Lounger and Looney Loops Toy for our future Kitten
And
The Movie Savannah Smiles for our family--love this movie!!!
I <3 2014
I <3 14
Valentine Angel Tree
Valentines Day is one of my favorite holidays. I decided this year to celebrate it with all of our Angel Children by having our first official Valentine Angel Tree. I have written the names of all of the angel children I have done pinwheel pictures for on hearts and I will be hanging them in the Angel Tree today Jan. 14th 1 month before Valentines Day. I have placed red solar lights around the base of the tree and I will be placing Teddy Bears at the base of this tree to represent all of our angel children. The Christmas Bows have all been taken down now, but, I left the Christmas lights up so I can light up this tree for Valentines Day, Janessa's 4th Angel Birthday, Easter, Jason's Due Date, and Hope Abigails 3rd Angel Birthday. Here are pictures of all the Heart Names by B-day Months:
THESE ARE THE ANGEL CHILDREN WHO ARE ON THE PINWHEEL WAITING LIST
THE VALENTINE ANGEL TREE
These are the "We Love You BEARY Much and We Miss You BEARY Much" bears that represent our Angels that will sit below the Angel Tree through Valentines Day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)