I held back one of the roses that I got to decorate Janessa's grave with on her birthday. I just wanted something of beauty to help me find some joy during all the emotional turmoil I go through on her angel b-day. I have loved having it on my bathroom counter. It was still alive and strong 3 weeks after her angel birthday which was awesome, but, then it started to die which I hate. But, I noticed something strange this time because as the rose was dying, a new leaf started to form. Within days I had 3 big new leaves that were alive and thriving. It was weird but so nice to see them alive even though the rose was dead. I was hoping they would keep growing but, alas yesterday they died too. It is almost a representation of my life the past 11 years and my life these past 2 years. Janessa's death tore me apart and it has taken 11 years to start putting myself together and start to take steps forward again. Like the new little leaves I cautiously stretch and make strides. 2020 is the dead rose that has made everything seem bleak and hopeless, then 2021 came along with the promise of vaccines and like the new leaves starting to sprout, new hope arose, then came more riots, more variants to covid, not enough vaccine, and an ex friend accusing me of emotional child abuse and turning me into Child Protective Services in February and having to deal with all that crap and now I am like the dead leaves that are hopeless and bleak once more. I had great hopes for 2021, but, it seems to be as crappy as 2020.
