In my grieving process for Janessa last year, I bought black fingernail polish in a moment of extreme sadness and anger. I would wear it anytime I felt extreme anger and unfairness and sadness. I had to get my black fingernail polish out again this week because of everything that is going on. The black is for all the emptiness, sadness, grief and despair I feel, but, the sparkles are for the hope and comfort and peace that I know is still out there somewhere--just some days it is harder to find than others.
All I keep thinking about is if I loose this pregnancy, for me I am loosing another baby and I will literally have nothing to show for them. No hand prints, no hand and foot molds, no blanket they were wrapped in, no pictures, not even any ultrasound pictures because I'm not far enough along—I will have nothing but a positive pregnancy test and my hopes and dreams for my rainbow baby.
I've done a couple of pinwheel requests this week, and I am so grateful for them because it has helped me to refocus on something else and be able to reach out to others who are living their nightmares on a daily basis also.
Still I wait and wait and wait and pray and HOPE!
