Shopping With Angel Bears

Okay, I had to do the dreaded grocery shopping again this week and face all those pregnant mommies and the mommies with their babies/toddlers/infant carriers.  I really didn't think I was going to make it through the store with the heaviness in my heart today.  As I was going through one of the sections, I happened upon these cute angel bear stuff animals--I tried to resist, but, I just can't help it when I see angel bears.  I rationalized that they would be really cute in the pinwheel pictures so I put them in the cart.  What I didn't realize at the time was I placed both of the bears in the front of the cart where you normally put your baby or toddler so they were facing me.  As I progressed down the aisles, I found myself talking to these little angel bears like they were my real babies--okay it probably looked a little strange, but, I was wearing my mismatched neon shoelaces so it probably just added to the whole picture of insanity--it was really fun! :)  I almost felt like my babies were with me and I felt "WHOLE and COMPLETE" if only for a few minutes in the store and it helped me to not freak out whenever I passed someone who had their real baby or toddler in the cart. 

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Fake It during the Day/Fall Apart at Night

I feel like one of the superheros that has a fake identity during normal times and then runs to the phone booth to change into their hero identity, except my different identities aren't so great.  I'm running on empty during the day now and feel no joy whatsoever for Thanksgiving coming up.  Honestly I wish I could just skip Thanksgiving and Christmas this year--I feel worse this year than I did last year.  I don't want to ruin it for my family so I try really hard to fake it during the day that everything is great and Thanksgiving is great and life is great, etc., etc!  At night when the house is quiet and everyone is asleep and my mind has time to think I fall apart because it isn't so great anymore.

My inability to handle seeing mommies with infant carriers has kicked in again, because I know that this month I would have been carrying one of them with my precious little Hope Abigail inside of it.  I hate that I'm reliving all of that again just like when I loss Janessa.  I have to keep reminding myself that I don't know if those babies are rainbow babies.

I love seeing the updates on the BLM blogs of all the rainbow babies that have been born and all the ultrasound pictures that are posted for those of you who are pregnant with your rainbow.  I cheer each time I see an update and that you have made it another week safely through!!! :)  I wish I lived near each of you and I could find a little bit of healing holding your rainbow babies knowing that you would understand my tears as I held your precious rainbow baby.

I don't know how to find healing when there won't be a rainbow in my future--my arms and heart feel so very empty right now. 

I really don't like pretending to be "okay" when really I am not.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Unexpected

Unexpected, that is what I felt when Hope's little pumpkin that I worked so hard to take care of for the last 3 months turned completely GREEN on her 6 month Angel birthday last week.  I was horrified--it had been all orange except for a little spot in the back before I picked it and brought it inside.  I felt like such a failure--I couldn't keep my last 2 babies safe and now I thought I had killed a perfectly healthy little orange pumpkin?!  I wanted to cry when I saw it.  I was just about to throw it away when I did a google search and discovered that sometimes this happens to pumpkins--they go through a reverse photosynthesis and that sometimes you can reverse it by placing the pumpkin in a warm sunny place.  The past couple of days I have been putting it in my bay window where the sun comes pouring in hoping that would help.  When I looked at it today I was relieved to see that it has turned orange again--what a relief.  It had lost contact with its wanted sunlight and just need to feel it's warmth to nourish it again.

As I have sat here thinking about my experience with this little pumpkin I began to wonder if I am like that little pumpkin.  When I focus on helping others and looking for the good in what has happened in my life and look up to Heavenly Father I nourish myself and find that warmth and light I am seeking, but, when I focus on all the awful, bitter things that have happened then I turn away from the light and become all dark and empty inside.  Sometimes it is so very hard to see any good in my life right now.

I also thought about how this pumpkin turning green was not a common thing, but how that was like my losing Janessa and Hope.  Only they are up in the sunlight in Heaven and I'll have to wait a bit to see them again, but, I will see them again!

So, Hope's little pumpkin turning Green was an unexpected yucky experience, but, Hope's pumpkin turning Orange again is an unexpected happy blessing that I can be thankful for now.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

11-11-11

I love todays date 11/11/11. 

Today I remember the Veterans who have sacrificed for our Country. 

Today I remember Angel Baby Madeline on her 2nd Angel B-day. 

Today I remember Journey Peace on his due date. 

Today I remember after I got my positive pregnancy test and my due date, thinking how awesome it would be if Hope came early and her b-day was today.

I want to look back on this date and remember "oh ya, that was the date that . . . . . "  So today I'm creating a memory for myself for 11/11/11.  First as I look at that date and the 2 ones together it reminds me of my 2 angel babies watching over me from Heaven.

The next thing I'm going to remember about this date is it is the date that I'm taking another step forward on my grief journey as I begin the process to "let go".  Letting go has become an extremely painful and hard process for me.  I know that no matter what I do or say I will never be able to change what has happened and I can not bring my angel babies back, but, yet that is the thing I can not let go of. 

I bought myself an angel figurine named "angel of freedom", but, as I looked at it and the angel letting a butterfly go, it just reminded me of "letting go".  It came in the mail a week ago and I took it out and then repacked it back in it's box because it so painfully reminds me of  my "real life".  I've struggled the last couple of days of what to do with it.  Part of me just wanted to keep it hidden away in it's box and not deal with the "reality" of my life.  Another part of me wanted to just smash it against the wall and let it break into a million pieces like my heart and cry it's not fair!  And then there is the part of me that today is ready to have it out so it can constantly remind me of my goal "Let go of the things I can not change and my plan for my life and grab on to Heavenly Father's hand and His Plan and begin to trust Him again." 

It isn't going to happen all a once. 

Letting go doesn't mean I will forget my angel babies. 

Letting go doesn't mean everything is all better and I will never cry again. 

Letting go means being able to accept what has happened and

to keep moving forward 1 tiny step at a time. 

Tomorrow I will look back at 11/11/11 and remember that was the day I had the courage to put my angel statue out and to face my fear of letting go. 

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Janessa's Pumpkin--Nov. 9th

8/31

9/3

9/10

9/17

9/24

10/1

10/8

10/15

10/22

10/29

Remembering You Today, Janessa!

We Love You!

We Miss You!

Love, Mommy

Hope's Weekly Pumpkin Pictures--Nov. 7

Here is the weekly pictures I took of Hope's pumpkin.  It has been a fun little project going out and talking to the little pumpkins as if they were still my pregnant belly--I just wish it was still my 9 month pregnant belly with my little Hope still safe inside me that I was talking to. :`(

August 6, 2011

Aug. 13, 2011

Aug. 20, 2011

Aug. 27, 2011

Sept. 3, 2011

Sept. 10, 2011

Sept. 17, 2011

Sept. 24, 2011

Oct. 1, 2011

Oct. 8, 2011

Oct. 15, 2011

Oct. 22, 2011

Oct. 29, 2011

Happy 6 Month Angel Birthday Hope Abigail!

I Miss You!

I Love You!

Love, Mommy

The First Snowfall

Today we woke up to our first snowfall--it was beautiful!  Trust me in a couple of months I won't be saying that and I'll be wishing for spring, but, for today it was nice.  I excitedly rushed outside before my kids so I could make some angel baby snow hearts.  Today I made snow hearts for all of the Angel Babies I've made pinwheels for whose birthdays are in November.

And, I made a giant snowheart and took all the pinwheels outside for a quick picture.

Today has been a hard day because I placed my 36th pinwheel out in Hope's memorial garden.  I now have all 9 bigger pinwheels surrounding her remembrance stone signifying the 9 months that I did not get with her. 

I guess the snow was my hug from heaven today to help me through today.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

I Can't Stop Crying

I having been a river of tears since November began and it's all because of this Pregnancy Ticker that I didn't delete when I lost Hope. This little ticker that I have kept running for the last 6 months that I wish reflected what was reality for me, but, is now a lost dream.

 I have to keep myself busy doing stupid things all day long so I don't have time to think.  That works until nighttime when everyone is in bed and it is quiet and my mind remembers.  Remembers that my baby is gone, remembers that I have 2 angels in Heaven now,  remembers that in 30 days I will NOT be holding and cuddling a newborn, remembers and replays all the details of my miscarriage, remembers that I have 2 holes in my heart now,

Remembers that THIS ticker is my reality now!

Father in Heaven, please help me to make it through these next 30 days--because this is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

November Angel Birthdays!

HAPPY ANGEL BIRTHDAY!

Aiden William 11/02

  Madeline 11/11

  Liberty John 11/15

Justice Miles 11/22