HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
JANESSA, HOPE ABIGAIL, AND JASON NEPHI!
AND ALL YOUR ANGEL FRIENDS!!
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Friday, February 14, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
My Last 8th Birthday Doll Cake
I made my last 8th Birthday Doll Cake--it marks the end of era, the end of another chapter in my book of life. The problem is 3 chapters got prematurely ripped out before I finished them, so I will always feel like this era in my life was never fully completed.
I took this tradition of making a Doll Cake from when I was growing up and my Mom made me and my sisters doll cakes for our 8th Birthdays. Here I am 30+ years ago with my 8th Birthday Doll Cake.
For my only living son I did a 8th b-day racetrack cake that I was looking forward to making for Jason, but, now this will be the only one I ever get to make.
Here are the five 8th Birthday Doll cakes that I have made.
Janessa and Hope I tried to include you on the last cake with hearts and a butterfly--doesn't quite make up for not being able to make each of you your very own doll cake, but, it helps take a little of the sting away.
I took this tradition of making a Doll Cake from when I was growing up and my Mom made me and my sisters doll cakes for our 8th Birthdays. Here I am 30+ years ago with my 8th Birthday Doll Cake.
For my only living son I did a 8th b-day racetrack cake that I was looking forward to making for Jason, but, now this will be the only one I ever get to make.
Here are the five 8th Birthday Doll cakes that I have made.
Janessa and Hope I tried to include you on the last cake with hearts and a butterfly--doesn't quite make up for not being able to make each of you your very own doll cake, but, it helps take a little of the sting away.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Today has been awful!
Today has been awful except for the mail--I received 2 pkgs both with items that had Jason's name on them and that has meant the world to me. It means so much to have other people remember my angel babies. Rhonda made a beautiful tag for him and I also received the necklace I had customed made from Joy in the Morning by Larisa Barth. She has made my other "Held Your Whole Life" necklaces and I love each one of them!! I just needed a necklace that was just for Jason so on days like today I can feel him close. This necklace truly represents my heart now--a big giant hole in the middle and I'm trying to still live and function and survive on 1/2 a heart and it is hard.
I have been a mess all day today. I can't think straight, I'm having to force myself to do things because all I really want to do is just climb back in bed and cry. I've been to the grocery store twice now because I forgot to get eggs the first time that I needed to make my daughters b-day cake. While trying to make her cake I tripped over the beaters cord and sent them and cake batter splattered all over the kitchen. I still have to face decorating a doll cake tonight so that it is all ready for tomorrow and I have no idea where I'm going to find the creative energy to do that. I have cramps from he** because my stupid period decided to start today and be another big reminder of my miscarriage! I don't want to light 4 candles and put out another star wand around Jason's memorial stone--I want to be 7 1/2 months pregnant and feeling him kicking and moving inside me not all this emptiness in my arms, belly, and heart. I just keep remembering that first ultrasound over and over again of seeing him and his little heart beating so strongly and the peace and hope that that moment brought to me--why did everything have to do downhill again??? Why does my life seem like one continually storm for the past 4 years???
My 10 Blessings
HOPE & LOVED 4 EVER
1 Awesome Husband
S <3 R
6 Kids To Love on Earth
A,K,H,A,A,K
3 Kids To Love in Heaven
J, H, J
Happy 4th Angel Birthday Jason
Happy 4th Angel Birthday
Jason!
<3 <3 <3 <3
Missing You Today!
Wish we were getting ready for you to arrive in our arms in April, not enduring empty monthly angel birthdays.
I Love You!
Love, Mommy
Sunday, February 9, 2014
I Hate Valentines Day at the Cemetery!
I wish I had learned my lesson last year about decorating Janessa's grave for Valentines Day--because last year I swore I would never go out there in Feb. again. Last year her grave was completely frozen in ice and we had to chip away at it and only were able to get her name uncovered--it was really upsetting.
Today my husband and I trudged out there again. This time the snow was all melted, but, all the excess water isn't running off her grave--her whole grave was all flooded with water!!! :O I tried the best I could to scoop the water off her grave, but, some of the water is still there--if I'd known I would have been bailing water I would have brought my freaking pail!! I can't begin to tell you how upsetting it is to me to see her grave all covered in water--I just started bawling and it was not a quiet little sob--it was an all out loud "I don't want my baby out in this muddy wet mess anymore" bawling. I hate decorating for valentines day at a cemetery!!!! So why do I do it? Because we have the tradition that we decorate (heart attack) our kid's bedroom doors for valentines day and I wanted to include Janessa. I think that I will just decorate her remembrance stone in our yard instead from now on because I am just too emotional in February to go out to the cemetery.
This is such a hard day and hard week for me. Today it is exactly 30 days to Janessa's 4th angel birthday and I'm having trigger memories from that. Today it is the day that 4 months ago I started spotting and tomorrow it will be 4 months since I miscarried Jason so I am having trigger memories from that. This week my husband will have surgery #2 to remove the rest of the skin cancer from the other side of his face. This week my other neighbors who are like family to me are moving
away. :`( This week my youngest living child will be celebrating her 8th birthday. It makes me so sad to know that from now on everything that this child goes through will be the last for our family. Before I've always had the hope that I would get pregnant again and that she wouldn't be the last one to experience everything. It makes me sad that she was 4 when Janessa died and that I have essential missed out on the last 4 years of her life because of grief. It makes me sad to watch her playing by herself when I know that Janessa should be here and that she would be old enough to play dress up, and barbies and polly pockets and tea partys and that Janessa and K would have a blast playing together and be the best of friends. This moment and these experiences will NEVER happen again, this has been stolen from our family FOREVER and that makes me sad and angry. I'm angry that Jason should be safe inside me helping me through all this and bringing the much needed calm and healing that I need right now, but, instead his death has just brought more grief, more sadness, and has in fact made all these experiences even harder to get through this year.
Today my husband and I trudged out there again. This time the snow was all melted, but, all the excess water isn't running off her grave--her whole grave was all flooded with water!!! :O I tried the best I could to scoop the water off her grave, but, some of the water is still there--if I'd known I would have been bailing water I would have brought my freaking pail!! I can't begin to tell you how upsetting it is to me to see her grave all covered in water--I just started bawling and it was not a quiet little sob--it was an all out loud "I don't want my baby out in this muddy wet mess anymore" bawling. I hate decorating for valentines day at a cemetery!!!! So why do I do it? Because we have the tradition that we decorate (heart attack) our kid's bedroom doors for valentines day and I wanted to include Janessa. I think that I will just decorate her remembrance stone in our yard instead from now on because I am just too emotional in February to go out to the cemetery.
This is such a hard day and hard week for me. Today it is exactly 30 days to Janessa's 4th angel birthday and I'm having trigger memories from that. Today it is the day that 4 months ago I started spotting and tomorrow it will be 4 months since I miscarried Jason so I am having trigger memories from that. This week my husband will have surgery #2 to remove the rest of the skin cancer from the other side of his face. This week my other neighbors who are like family to me are moving
away. :`( This week my youngest living child will be celebrating her 8th birthday. It makes me so sad to know that from now on everything that this child goes through will be the last for our family. Before I've always had the hope that I would get pregnant again and that she wouldn't be the last one to experience everything. It makes me sad that she was 4 when Janessa died and that I have essential missed out on the last 4 years of her life because of grief. It makes me sad to watch her playing by herself when I know that Janessa should be here and that she would be old enough to play dress up, and barbies and polly pockets and tea partys and that Janessa and K would have a blast playing together and be the best of friends. This moment and these experiences will NEVER happen again, this has been stolen from our family FOREVER and that makes me sad and angry. I'm angry that Jason should be safe inside me helping me through all this and bringing the much needed calm and healing that I need right now, but, instead his death has just brought more grief, more sadness, and has in fact made all these experiences even harder to get through this year.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Hope For The Day
For the last 4 years I have been receiving monthly and sometimes weekly messages of hope from silentgrief.com In the first year of my grief after I loss Janessa these were my lifeline. I felt so very alone that first year because I didn't have a blog or facebook--nothing. I didn't know anyone else who had had a stillborn baby. Clara Hinton's messages of hope keep me going. I printed them out and put them in a binder so I could refer back to them. She always seemed to have the perfect message that I needed at that particular time. Even though I did not know Clara personally she became a trusted and much needed friend.
Today I received another Message of Hope and it is the place that I am striving to find this year.
"Hope for the Day" Message
-- February 3, 2014
From Silent Grief.com
It happens so gradually that most often we don't realize it is taking place. We wake up one morning with the sun shining brightly and we smile and welcome the day. We go through twenty four hours without crying. We join in on a conversation and there is laughter minus any guilt. And we realize that something has changed. We have finally reached a new place in our journey to find hope.
This journey wasn't easy. In fact, we experienced every storm and hardship imaginable. We had many setbacks along the way. But, finally we have found that new place that we can call home. It is different from what we knew as our happiness before, but there is a joy here, too, and we know that we can peacefully settle in and call this new land our home. Joy comes to us in new ways. We now see so many of the small blessings of life that simply passed us by before our quest to find and reclaim joy.
We can see the miracle of a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. We pause and make the time to appreciate each and every evening sunset. We have found the childlike joy of splashing through mud puddles. Watching a bird fly through the sky is thrilling. We say a prayer of special thanks for every meal that sits before us. We can see with new eyes -- thankful eyes -- and that is part of our new joy!
Yes, without really knowing it, we have settled into our new place. There will be setbacks and reminders of our loss, but the pain will no longer take precedence over all that we think and do.
Instead, we will have gentle and fond remembrances, and we will shift most of our thoughts to loving gratitude for today. And, most importantly, we will know that the dark side of our grief is no longer the landscape of our daily life. Instead, we can live in the quiet, serene beauty of hope and peace grasping hold of the small miracles given to us each and every day. --Clara Hinton
"I will walk through this pain of grief one day at a time until I reach my new home of peace and hope." --Clara Hinton
"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.......And, He put a new song in my mouth." Psalm 40: 1 and 3
It happens so gradually that most often we don't realize it is taking place. We wake up one morning with the sun shining brightly and we smile and welcome the day. We go through twenty four hours without crying. We join in on a conversation and there is laughter minus any guilt. And we realize that something has changed. We have finally reached a new place in our journey to find hope.
This journey wasn't easy. In fact, we experienced every storm and hardship imaginable. We had many setbacks along the way. But, finally we have found that new place that we can call home. It is different from what we knew as our happiness before, but there is a joy here, too, and we know that we can peacefully settle in and call this new land our home. Joy comes to us in new ways. We now see so many of the small blessings of life that simply passed us by before our quest to find and reclaim joy.
We can see the miracle of a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. We pause and make the time to appreciate each and every evening sunset. We have found the childlike joy of splashing through mud puddles. Watching a bird fly through the sky is thrilling. We say a prayer of special thanks for every meal that sits before us. We can see with new eyes -- thankful eyes -- and that is part of our new joy!
Yes, without really knowing it, we have settled into our new place. There will be setbacks and reminders of our loss, but the pain will no longer take precedence over all that we think and do.
Instead, we will have gentle and fond remembrances, and we will shift most of our thoughts to loving gratitude for today. And, most importantly, we will know that the dark side of our grief is no longer the landscape of our daily life. Instead, we can live in the quiet, serene beauty of hope and peace grasping hold of the small miracles given to us each and every day. --Clara Hinton
"I will walk through this pain of grief one day at a time until I reach my new home of peace and hope." --Clara Hinton
"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.......And, He put a new song in my mouth." Psalm 40: 1 and 3
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
36 Days/36 Weeks
Today there is 36 Days until Janessa's 4th Angel Birthday. With Hope I've always worn yellow every day for the 10 days before her angel birthday in memory of the 10 weeks I carried her and I plan on wearing blue the 12 days before Jason's angel birthday in memory of the 12 weeks I carried him. But, wearing only pink for 36 days is a little much for Janessa's Angel B-day! I think those traditions will just be for my miscarried angel babies. I think instead I will wear a pink bracelet for 36 days instead.
Today I am remembering the whole 36 weeks and how grateful I am for each week I was given with her. After loosing Hope at 10 weeks and Jason at 12 weeks, I now have a better understanding of the precious gift of time I was given with Janessa. If I was given the chance to go back in time and relive those 36 weeks knowing what I know now and what will happen and that I couldn't change anything, I would take it!!! I would appreciate her so much more. I would have tried to live a lifetime of memories in those short 36 weeks I had with her. I would have taken pictures of my pregnant belly and tons of pictures of us making hearts over my belly. I would have enjoyed each kick and movement. I would have recorded her heart beat so that I could listen to it forever. I would have prepared so much better to meet her on March 9th so that that day would have been a calm and peaceful experience of saying hello and goodbye instead of the traumatic event that it was. Wish I could relive it, but, since I can't I will cherish the memories I do have of those precious 36 weeks <3
Today I am remembering the whole 36 weeks and how grateful I am for each week I was given with her. After loosing Hope at 10 weeks and Jason at 12 weeks, I now have a better understanding of the precious gift of time I was given with Janessa. If I was given the chance to go back in time and relive those 36 weeks knowing what I know now and what will happen and that I couldn't change anything, I would take it!!! I would appreciate her so much more. I would have tried to live a lifetime of memories in those short 36 weeks I had with her. I would have taken pictures of my pregnant belly and tons of pictures of us making hearts over my belly. I would have enjoyed each kick and movement. I would have recorded her heart beat so that I could listen to it forever. I would have prepared so much better to meet her on March 9th so that that day would have been a calm and peaceful experience of saying hello and goodbye instead of the traumatic event that it was. Wish I could relive it, but, since I can't I will cherish the memories I do have of those precious 36 weeks <3
Sunday, February 2, 2014
My First Watched Sunrise of 2014
Got up early and braved the cold to watch the sunrise this morning. I couldn't believe how quiet and peaceful it was for those 15 minutes I waited. So symbolic as you watch the darkness and the gray clouds be lit up by rays of pink and yellow and then totally be chased away by this bright beautiful sun that rises over the mountain. To me this represents HOPE!!
Really need this boost of hope and peace this morning--been feeling upset ever since February began. Next Sunday will be 1 month before Janessa's angel birthday--really hate how Feb. and March copycat each other. Having a hard time even looking at pictures of Janessa because it brings back all the memories--I miss her so much--I miss what should be. I'm frustrated that I am being cheated of "rainbow healing" and help through her 4th angel birthday because Jason was ripped away from me too
Really need this boost of hope and peace this morning--been feeling upset ever since February began. Next Sunday will be 1 month before Janessa's angel birthday--really hate how Feb. and March copycat each other. Having a hard time even looking at pictures of Janessa because it brings back all the memories--I miss her so much--I miss what should be. I'm frustrated that I am being cheated of "rainbow healing" and help through her 4th angel birthday because Jason was ripped away from me too
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