Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Happy Easter
When I loss Jason and saw that his due date was right after Easter, my first thought was I am NOT celebrating Easter this year. I can't do the Easter egg hunts and the dying Easter eggs and the family dinners and putting all the kid's Easter baskets on the table--I just can't place another angel Easter basket that is empty on the table--I just can't face all of that this year.
When I got another positive pregnancy test in March and I got thinking how nice it was going to be to have a little one inside me for Easter just like in 2011 when I was pregnant with Hope Abigail, then I wanted to do something for Easter. I printed out these paper Easter egg holders and these cute little subway art quotes on Easter and was getting them ready when I ended up miscarrying Rae Anne. Now I'm faced with putting 4 empty angel Easter baskets on the table and I just can't do it!
Easter is really not about the egg hunts and Easter eggs and Easter baskets, it is a time to rejoice that because of Christ death and resurrection I will be able to see my little angel babies again. I do rejoice in that fact, but, Easter is also a reminder to me that there are 4 people missing from around our table and I have to wait for what seems like a very long time to see them again. So, I'm still not up to fully celebrating Easter this year, especially because Easter will mark 4 weeks since I miscarried Rae Anne and it marks 5 days before what should have been Jason's due date. I think I will keep it very low key--just have a nice dinner with just my family, and just put out the little Easter egg printable I had made while I was pregnant as a way to remember Rae Anne.
When I got another positive pregnancy test in March and I got thinking how nice it was going to be to have a little one inside me for Easter just like in 2011 when I was pregnant with Hope Abigail, then I wanted to do something for Easter. I printed out these paper Easter egg holders and these cute little subway art quotes on Easter and was getting them ready when I ended up miscarrying Rae Anne. Now I'm faced with putting 4 empty angel Easter baskets on the table and I just can't do it!
Easter is really not about the egg hunts and Easter eggs and Easter baskets, it is a time to rejoice that because of Christ death and resurrection I will be able to see my little angel babies again. I do rejoice in that fact, but, Easter is also a reminder to me that there are 4 people missing from around our table and I have to wait for what seems like a very long time to see them again. So, I'm still not up to fully celebrating Easter this year, especially because Easter will mark 4 weeks since I miscarried Rae Anne and it marks 5 days before what should have been Jason's due date. I think I will keep it very low key--just have a nice dinner with just my family, and just put out the little Easter egg printable I had made while I was pregnant as a way to remember Rae Anne.
Happy Easter!
Can't wait to see you again, Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Wishing for a different Reality today
Easter always reminds me of Janessa because she was due on
Easter in 2010. This year it is
reminding me of Jason because his due date is 5 days after Easter. It also reminds me of Hope because that was the only holiday I was pregnant with her through. And it reminds me of Rae Anne because on Easter it will be exactly 4 weeks since I miscarried her. I know I will see my 4 angels again, but, the
wait until that time is hard, sad, and tormenting! Missing you today Janessa, Hope, Jason, and
Rae Anne <3 <3 <3 <3
By Silent Grief - Child Loss Support
As we enter this holiday of Easter -- both religious and family oriented for many of us -- our hearts feel broken. Broken because our child is not here with us. Broken because we must know and experience the pain of child loss. Broken because we know the agony of losing a child. Broken because we must wait so long to see our child again. Yes, we have the hope of heaven, but it still painfully hurts every minute of the day to wait......we wait and hope to see our child again. May God's blessings cover each and every person grieving the loss of a child today with a special peace that can only come from God! We're so thankful for the hope of heaven, but sometimes it feels like it's a million years away! Missing a child is the worst pain a heart can ever experience!
Really Wishing this was my Reality today
And that I was happily anticipating next week when I would hear Jason's first cries and hold him alive and then being able to leave that hospital not with a broken heart and empty arms, but, with an alive baby!! There is nothing that can ever make up for having that experience stolen from you!
I HATE that this is my Reality
Monday, April 14, 2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Sometimes being Strong is too hard
People tell me all the time how "strong" I am because of all I've been through and all the children I've loss. I think I even wear a mask of "strength" that reflects to others that I'm okay and fine and that losing another baby is no big deal because I'm so "strong" and I've been through this before and I know exactly how to handle everything. Sometimes that is the only part of me I want people to see this "Strong" woman who is practically superwoman because she has loss 4 babies and she is still standing, she is still moving forward, she is still taking care of the rest of her family, she has no time or need for tears, she is a strong Christian who never questions anything, she is there for everyone and is always there to help someone else out.
What you don't see behind that mask is the very weak and hurting person I really have become. I don't want you to know how very hurt I am, how my heart is so broken I don't see any way of it ever being fixed. How my hopes and dreams have been so crushed and stolen from me that I don't have any anymore. How I struggle to force myself out of bed and function every morning because I have to--not because I want to. How sometimes I am so much in "robot" mode that even simple things like fixing lunch becomes a big deal to me. How I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I miss my babies so much and because I don't want to go to sleep and have to face waking up and enduring another day.
I am NOT strong--I am weak--I am broken--I am sad--I am jealous--I feel all alone in a club that is just for me--Baby Loss Mommy with living children who is unable to ever have a Rainbow Baby. I am the nightmare for normal woman who have never had a baby loss, I am the nightmare for Baby Loss Women who believe it will never happen again to them and I am proof that it can happen again, and again, and AGAIN!!! and that sometimes the rainbow never ever comes in this life and you are left to live in the rain--not a place anyone ever wants to be.
Every day I beg God to carry me again through another day because I just don't have the strength to make it on my own yet. I may look strong to you, but, I am not. My strength comes from a Heavenly Father who holds me up every day and truly knows how much I am hurting. He does not judge or criticize me for not getting "over it", He stands quietly by my side and supports me and lets me cry and cry's with me because He understands and doesn't expect me to wear the I'm Strong mask. He just asks me to keep reaching out to Him and trust Him even when I don't understand and I am angry. Doesn't matter to Him--He will never abandon me--He will always be there--He will be my strength until I can stand by myself again.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Today is NOT what it is suppose to be
Today I should be at my obgyn's office for my first appointment for Rae Anne. I should be stressed out and worried about having to face the ultrasound machine again. I should be feeling that heavenly peace that I felt before when I got to see Jason and his heart beating on that ultrasound machine. I should be clutching a valuable treasure of another ultrasound picture. I can't believe I was cheated of this appointment. Missing you today Rae Anne.
Instead, today I watched the sunrise and felt Rae Anne's love through it. Instead, today I watched as the sun came through my window and hit my crystal and made 4 tiny rainbows on my bed and walls. Instead, today I did a pinwheel picture for another grieving baby loss mommy who is just beginning down this path. Instead, today I wear my memorial necklace for Rae Anne and listen to the "voices" of my angel children through my wind chimes.
Instead, today I watched the sunrise and felt Rae Anne's love through it. Instead, today I watched as the sun came through my window and hit my crystal and made 4 tiny rainbows on my bed and walls. Instead, today I did a pinwheel picture for another grieving baby loss mommy who is just beginning down this path. Instead, today I wear my memorial necklace for Rae Anne and listen to the "voices" of my angel children through my wind chimes.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Remembering Jason--6 Months
This post is hard to write. It has been 6 months since Jason slipped quickly and quietly from my life. 6 months stolen from me that I should have been pregnant with him. This month is Jason's due date on April 25th. It is really hard to look down at my empty belly where a 9 month belly should be. It is hard to know that 2 weeks from now I should be welcoming Jason into my arms but, they will remain empty instead. It is hard to realize that in those 6 months I have miscarried yet another baby and that right before Jason's due date on the 23rd it will have been a month since I loss Rae Anne. I have all these pictures and things to put together a baby book for Jason, but, it still sits unassembled with things just stuffed in there because I can't bear to put it together--that to me is the final realization that he is gone. It hurts so much to remember my short 12 week pregnancy with him, the fear and hope and belief and dreams I had all crushed. It hurts to see people around my neighborhood all with their 9 month pregnant bellys and knowing that for them they probably will get to take home that alive baby this month--it feels so unfair.
I Miss You Jason
It has been 6 months too long since we were together.
I Love You 4 Ever
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
Friday, April 4, 2014
4/04/2014
Janessa,
Today is the day you should have been born 4 years ago. It was the day I was counting down to and looking forward to meeting you. Now it is just another empty day that reminds me of the realities of my life: 4/04
4 Years since you died and 4 tries to have an alive baby have resulted in 0 alive babies and 4 Angel Babies instead.
Missing you today and wishing this were a different day for both of us.
Love, Mommy
<3 <3 <3 <3
Today is the day you should have been born 4 years ago. It was the day I was counting down to and looking forward to meeting you. Now it is just another empty day that reminds me of the realities of my life: 4/04
4 Years since you died and 4 tries to have an alive baby have resulted in 0 alive babies and 4 Angel Babies instead.
Missing you today and wishing this were a different day for both of us.
Love, Mommy
<3 <3 <3 <3
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
April=Disappointment
I have been really upset since the calendar flipped from March to April. I am glad to see March disappear, but, April is my month of big disappointments. I wish I could just skip from April 1st to May 1st and not have to endure any days this month.
4 years ago I was looking forward to April and counting down the months to April because 4/04/2010--Easter weekend was Janessa's due date and I was so excited to welcome her into our family in April. That meeting got stolen from me and 4/04 became a very bitter/sad/and disappointing day instead.
6 Months ago I was looking forward to April again because this was suppose to be the month, 4/25/2014, that my beautiful rainbow baby Jason was suppose to be born and bring that healing link between Janessa and Hope's angel birthdays. That got stolen from me too and now 4/25 becomes a bitter/sad/ and disappointing day instead.
1 1/2 weeks ago I was looking forward to April 11th because it was suppose to be my first obgyn appointment where I would get to see Rae Anne on an ultrasound and see her little heart beating and that was going to bring the healing and comfort I needed to make it through 4/04 and 4/25, but, that got stolen from me again!!! Now 4/11 will be a bitter/sad/ and disappointing day.
I should be 37 weeks pregnant and happily awaiting the birth of Jason. I should be 7 weeks pregnant and feeling like crap while eating crackers and ginger snaps. I am neither--I am so confused--all I am is EMPTY physically and emotionally.
I really don't like April!
4 years ago I was looking forward to April and counting down the months to April because 4/04/2010--Easter weekend was Janessa's due date and I was so excited to welcome her into our family in April. That meeting got stolen from me and 4/04 became a very bitter/sad/and disappointing day instead.
6 Months ago I was looking forward to April again because this was suppose to be the month, 4/25/2014, that my beautiful rainbow baby Jason was suppose to be born and bring that healing link between Janessa and Hope's angel birthdays. That got stolen from me too and now 4/25 becomes a bitter/sad/ and disappointing day instead.
1 1/2 weeks ago I was looking forward to April 11th because it was suppose to be my first obgyn appointment where I would get to see Rae Anne on an ultrasound and see her little heart beating and that was going to bring the healing and comfort I needed to make it through 4/04 and 4/25, but, that got stolen from me again!!! Now 4/11 will be a bitter/sad/ and disappointing day.
I should be 37 weeks pregnant and happily awaiting the birth of Jason. I should be 7 weeks pregnant and feeling like crap while eating crackers and ginger snaps. I am neither--I am so confused--all I am is EMPTY physically and emotionally.
I really don't like April!
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