Happy Angel Birthday
Alanna Phoebe
<3 <3
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
My Driveway
I went out this morning and cleaned off my driveway in preparation for writing the Angel Children Names next week. There are over 370 angel children names so far on my list. I am excited and humbled about writing all of these names and I know this is just a tiny droplet of names compared to the number of angel children there really are.
When I see these names I don't just see letters of the alphabet, I see the love that each one of you has for your precious child, I see the hurt and heartache you feel being apart from them and I see the longing and desire to just have them remembered and honored and loved by others. And that is why I write their names.
Today my driveway is just regular old cement, starting Monday it becomes hallowed and sacred ground as these beautiful names are written upon it. <3
When I see these names I don't just see letters of the alphabet, I see the love that each one of you has for your precious child, I see the hurt and heartache you feel being apart from them and I see the longing and desire to just have them remembered and honored and loved by others. And that is why I write their names.
Today my driveway is just regular old cement, starting Monday it becomes hallowed and sacred ground as these beautiful names are written upon it. <3
Baby Clayton Twins Angel Birthday August 16th
Happy Angel Birthday
Baby Clayton Twins!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Friday, August 15, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Jason's Prayer Flag 2014
Jason's prayer flag was the hardest for me to put together. I would get the stuff out for it and then just stare at it week after week because it just made me sad. It hurts to think that last year he was alive inside of me on the last Day of Hope. I didn't want to make prayer flags for Jason and Rae Anne. I wanted Jason in my arms as my almost 4 month old baby and I want to still be pregnant with Rae Anne anxiously awaiting her arrival--not empty arms, broken heart, and 4 prayer flags instead of 2.
Last week I was finally able to get ideas for his prayer flag. I put his nick name "MaHyrum" that we were calling him on the bottom. There are 10 planes from the movie "Planes" to represent all 10 of my children and that the movie Planes in 3D is what my husband and I went and saw right before I took a pregnancy test and was what got me suspecting I was pregnant because I got so motion sick which is not normal for me. There are 12 stars to represent the total number of people in our family and the 12 precious weeks we had together.
Stars to represent the joy and happiness I felt that finally after 2 1/2 years of trying we got a positive pregnancy test!!
And then hanging from the bottom of this flag are the 12 little hats I knit after I miscarried Jason. Each hat different to represent the 12 precious weeks that I carried my little bundle of joy. On each hat is a memory of something we did together that week. His prayer flag is again tied up with my old black sparkly shoelaces I was wearing when I was pregnant with him. Those precious little knit hats that represent that hat I knit in happiness and love right before my miscarriage that I had hoped to have Jason wear, but, instead wrapped around my miscarriage container as a hug from me instead.
Last week I was finally able to get ideas for his prayer flag. I put his nick name "MaHyrum" that we were calling him on the bottom. There are 10 planes from the movie "Planes" to represent all 10 of my children and that the movie Planes in 3D is what my husband and I went and saw right before I took a pregnancy test and was what got me suspecting I was pregnant because I got so motion sick which is not normal for me. There are 12 stars to represent the total number of people in our family and the 12 precious weeks we had together.
Stars to represent the joy and happiness I felt that finally after 2 1/2 years of trying we got a positive pregnancy test!!
And then hanging from the bottom of this flag are the 12 little hats I knit after I miscarried Jason. Each hat different to represent the 12 precious weeks that I carried my little bundle of joy. On each hat is a memory of something we did together that week. His prayer flag is again tied up with my old black sparkly shoelaces I was wearing when I was pregnant with him. Those precious little knit hats that represent that hat I knit in happiness and love right before my miscarriage that I had hoped to have Jason wear, but, instead wrapped around my miscarriage container as a hug from me instead.
My Precious Jason
I am so very sad that it has been a year since we shared our lives together.
I wish things had gone so differently with my pregnancy with you.
You are my Joy, my Hope, My Precious little Miracle!
You are so Loved!
Your are missed greatly!
You are Loved 4 Ever!!!!
Love, Mommy
HAPPY 10 MONTH ANGEL BIRTHDAY!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Rae Anne's Prayer Flag 2014
Once I was finally able to start working on Jason's prayer flag, then I started having ideas about Rae Anne's prayer flag. I spotted her flower clip first when I was buying the flower clips because it was instantly her-- yellow and orange for the colors of a beautiful sunrise and both her and Hope's colors mixed together to represent they both are my Rays of Hope. Sunrise because I finally feel like I can start to feel happiness and joy again in my life along with the grief.
23 little Owls to represent her birthdate March 23rd. 14 of those Owls are puffy owl stickers to represent her birth year 2014. Around the saying there is 6 little owls to represent my 6 living children and the 6 precious weeks I got with Rae Anne. On the left side of this flag there are 4 Owls to represent my 4 angel babies.
I put the You are my Sunshine saying on her flag because that is what I would say to her as I patted my belly. She is my true joy and happiness miracle and last child to help me start moving forward on this grief journey again because I have been stuck for the past 3 years.
At the bottom and the top of this flag are symbols and pictures of Arches National Park because I was pregnant with Rae Anne over Janessa's 4th angel birthday when we did our quick trip to Arches and that park represents peace, joy, and happiness to me.
There are 6 Raes of Ribbons at the bottom to again represent those 6 precious weeks and the things she has brought me: Rae of Sunshine and Happiness, Rae of Peace and Healing, Rae of Trusting God, Rae of Joy, Rae of Grace, and a Rae of Hope.
Her flag is tied up with a shoelace I bought but never wore because it was rainbows and was how I was going to represent her and announce her through my shoelaces, but, she was taken back to quickly for me to do anything.
23 little Owls to represent her birthdate March 23rd. 14 of those Owls are puffy owl stickers to represent her birth year 2014. Around the saying there is 6 little owls to represent my 6 living children and the 6 precious weeks I got with Rae Anne. On the left side of this flag there are 4 Owls to represent my 4 angel babies.
I put the You are my Sunshine saying on her flag because that is what I would say to her as I patted my belly. She is my true joy and happiness miracle and last child to help me start moving forward on this grief journey again because I have been stuck for the past 3 years.
At the bottom and the top of this flag are symbols and pictures of Arches National Park because I was pregnant with Rae Anne over Janessa's 4th angel birthday when we did our quick trip to Arches and that park represents peace, joy, and happiness to me.
There are 6 Raes of Ribbons at the bottom to again represent those 6 precious weeks and the things she has brought me: Rae of Sunshine and Happiness, Rae of Peace and Healing, Rae of Trusting God, Rae of Joy, Rae of Grace, and a Rae of Hope.
Her flag is tied up with a shoelace I bought but never wore because it was rainbows and was how I was going to represent her and announce her through my shoelaces, but, she was taken back to quickly for me to do anything.
My Sweet Little Rae Anne
You again were a precious little Miracle that I never thought I would ever receive again.
You brought me such joy and happiness and I feel you are the healing connection for me to start living life again feeling both happy and sad.
You are "Owl" ways Loved, Remembered, and Missed!
You are "OWL" ways in our Hearts!
Love, Mommy
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Hope Abigail's Prayer Flag 2014
Hope's prayer flag is the same from last year, but, again I just added to it. I added a rainbow of hearts because her symbol is hearts and lady bugs. There are 6 hearts to represent my 6 living children and then 4 of those hearts are pink to represent my 4 angel babies. The hearts are placed in a rainbow pattern because she was my first hoped for rainbow baby. Hope's flower clip is blue and purple and white--in a way her flower clip represents her and Jason because I didn't really want to put a flower clip on Jason's flag. It represents a beautiful sunset where it is just beginning to get dark, but, you can still see light. Hope's death felt like the end for me and I walked in the darkness of grief and depression for a couple of years until I was finally able to find help through grief counseling.
I added a yellow butterfly suncatcher to represent the hope I finally began to feel again and that I was emerging through the darkness of grief. I added 10 ladybug ribbons to the bottom of her flag to represent the 10 precious weeks we had together. The 10 beads represent all 10 of my children. Each ribbon has 7 lady bugs on it to represent her 7th of May her angel date, and that at the time she was my 7th daughter.
I added a yellow butterfly suncatcher to represent the hope I finally began to feel again and that I was emerging through the darkness of grief. I added 10 ladybug ribbons to the bottom of her flag to represent the 10 precious weeks we had together. The 10 beads represent all 10 of my children. Each ribbon has 7 lady bugs on it to represent her 7th of May her angel date, and that at the time she was my 7th daughter.
I Love You Hope Abigail!
You are missed everyday!
You were Held Your Whole Life
and You are Always In My Heart!
Love, Mommy
Monday, August 4, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Janessa's Prayer Flag 2014
Making prayer flags this year for The Day of Hope on Aug. 19th has been really hard emotionally on me. Last year I was pregnant with Jason, but, I didn't know it yet and I only had 2 angel baby prayer flags. This year added 2 more prayer flags for Jason and Rae Anne and the thought of seeing 4 angel baby prayer flags hanging up was enough to just make me sick.
I wasn't going to change Janessa or Hope's prayer flags this year just use the same ones from last year, which is what I've done, except I added to both of theirs. While we were on vacation I bought flower hair clips for all of my daughters, including Janessa, Hope, and Rae Anne. I felt pretty stupid when I got home and thought what am I going to do with Janessa, Hope, and Rae Anne's hair clips--there is no little toddlers or babies running around that I can clip this in to their curly hair. I just kind of tossed them aside for a couple of weeks. I thought about taking them up to the cemetery to put on Janessa's grave or put them on the remembrance stones in my backyard, but, they are so cute that I didn't want them outside getting ruined. Then this past week when I finally felt ready to make Jason and Rae Anne's prayer flags I had this great idea to incorporate Rae Anne's hair clip into her prayer flag. It turned out so cute that I decided to add Janessa and Hope's hair clips onto their prayer flags. I am so happy with how they turned out!
For Janessa's prayer flag I added the cute pink and white hair clip to represent the little girl that I will not be able to put this clip in her hair and those little girly moments I am missing out on with her. I added 9 ribbons to the bottom of her flag to represent the 9 months that I carried her and we shared our lives together. On each ribbon is 4 rainbows to stand for the 4 angel babies that I have and also for her due date 4/04. There is a total of 36 rainbows which is the exact number of weeks that I carried her. And the rainbow is for the beautiful rainbow of hope that we saw outside our hospital window the day she was born.
I also added a pink butterfly sun catcher to represent the color pink that reminds me of the pink blanket she was wrapped in at the hospital. At the top I added a dream catcher that I bought on our vacation also because I want to capture every dream that I have of her. There is also 6 feathers on this dream catcher to represent the 6 living children that I have been blessed with. My ultimate dream is the day when I will be reunited with her and this grief journey will finally end.
I wasn't going to change Janessa or Hope's prayer flags this year just use the same ones from last year, which is what I've done, except I added to both of theirs. While we were on vacation I bought flower hair clips for all of my daughters, including Janessa, Hope, and Rae Anne. I felt pretty stupid when I got home and thought what am I going to do with Janessa, Hope, and Rae Anne's hair clips--there is no little toddlers or babies running around that I can clip this in to their curly hair. I just kind of tossed them aside for a couple of weeks. I thought about taking them up to the cemetery to put on Janessa's grave or put them on the remembrance stones in my backyard, but, they are so cute that I didn't want them outside getting ruined. Then this past week when I finally felt ready to make Jason and Rae Anne's prayer flags I had this great idea to incorporate Rae Anne's hair clip into her prayer flag. It turned out so cute that I decided to add Janessa and Hope's hair clips onto their prayer flags. I am so happy with how they turned out!
For Janessa's prayer flag I added the cute pink and white hair clip to represent the little girl that I will not be able to put this clip in her hair and those little girly moments I am missing out on with her. I added 9 ribbons to the bottom of her flag to represent the 9 months that I carried her and we shared our lives together. On each ribbon is 4 rainbows to stand for the 4 angel babies that I have and also for her due date 4/04. There is a total of 36 rainbows which is the exact number of weeks that I carried her. And the rainbow is for the beautiful rainbow of hope that we saw outside our hospital window the day she was born.
I also added a pink butterfly sun catcher to represent the color pink that reminds me of the pink blanket she was wrapped in at the hospital. At the top I added a dream catcher that I bought on our vacation also because I want to capture every dream that I have of her. There is also 6 feathers on this dream catcher to represent the 6 living children that I have been blessed with. My ultimate dream is the day when I will be reunited with her and this grief journey will finally end.
Love You Janessa!
I miss you every single day!
Gone but not forgotten,
Although we are apart,
God has you in his keeping,
I have you in my Heart!
<3 <3 <3 <3
Love, Mommy
Friday, August 1, 2014
Our New Kitty
This is our new kitty! She is 3 months old today. We get to go pick her up in September!!! Right now her name is Nova but we'll be changing that later. I'm so excited to meet her in person!!!
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