Happy 6th Angel Birthday Janessa!

Every year I say the same thing--how could 6 years have passed since I last saw you and held you?  Every year farther away is so hard because the memories aren't as clear anymore and sometimes if feels like it was only a bad dream. This year I have felt like I am on the outside looking in and wondering did that really happen to me?  And then all the old familiar memories flood in and I know that it happened to me.  Every year I miss you more.  Every year I wonder what you would look like, what you would be like, what would your favorite birthday toy be?  The longing to see you and hold you and the empty ache in my heart will NEVER go away as long as I live.  But, at least as each year passes, it means I am 1 year closer to seeing you again.

Happy 6th Angel Birthday

My Precious little Angel

Janessa!

I Love You!

I Miss You!

You are Always In My Heart!

Love, Mommy

Hope amidst the Rain

Just walked outside and stood in the middle of the pinwheel 6. It's been raining all night so it is very cloudy, wet, and cold and this probably will prevent there being a sunrise but we'll see. It's okay that it is rainy--it is rainy inside me too. This is what the weather was like 6 years ago--it rained and rained and rained outside the window of our hospital room and then 3 hrs before Janessa was born we had a beautiful rainbow appear amidst the rain outside our window. That brought me hope. Today standing out there in the dark cold and wet grass I heard birds singing away like it was beautiful spring day and the 6 flower solar lights I had bought to surround the pinwheels were still lit even though it has been 10 hrs and they've been rained on all night--This has brought me hope that I can make it through this day.

2010

2016

It will always be a part of you

I found this quote written by Kristin Hernandez that a nurse had said to her, and I guess it has brought me some comfort.

After I loss Janessa, I kept waiting to just go back to normal again.  I naively thought if I just made it past her due date then everything would be okay again.  I still hurt after April 4th.  Then it was everything will be okay after months have passed and then I will be normal.  Month after month passed and I found myself feeling worse and worse.  Then it was everything will be okay after all the holidays are over and 2011 comes.  Nope, that didn't work either.  Then it was once her 1st birthday is over then surely all the hurt will stop and life will be normal.  I was disappointed to find days after that first birthday that I felt terrible.  Then I found myself pregnant with my first rainbow baby Hope and I knew this was the answer.  Once Hope was born it would wipe away all the pain I felt for Janessa and Life would be Good again.  Then I miscarried Hope 10 weeks into my pregnancy and the pain got wider and more intense and I felt myself being dragged down into a pit of depression and despair.

All that time I was looking for the hurt and the pain to stop so I could be normal again.  I wish someone had told me this quote sooner so that I would have known that the hurting never ends.  That you never go back to normal.  That YES you will breathe easier and the days will get easier but, you will have to start a new normal that includes the death of your baby.  I am only just beginning to accept that new normal part of my life.  I am only just starting to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my fractured life and how to live again with the grief.

6 Years Ago Tonight

6 years ago tonight my sweet little Janessa you moved and kicked me for the last time and then went to sleep forever and woke in the arms of God. I didn't know that was the last time I would ever cradle you in my belly. I didn't know that I would never meet you in person. I didn't know the agony and heart break that your death would cause me. I miss sharing our life together. I miss your little dance recitals inside me. I miss your adding to the conversations whenever anyone spoke to me with your movements and kicks. I miss your happy kicking when you heard us sing or heard music.

I just. really. Miss. YOU! 

:`(

A Birthday Snow Heart

It snowed just a little bit last night which was great for me because I got to make Janessa a birthday snow heart this morning in the beautiful sunrise <3

Decorating Janessa's Grave for her 6th Angel Birthday

I'm not quite sure how to feel after going to decorate Janessa's grave this afternoon.  I really wanted to decorate her grave tomorrow on a nice calm Sunday, but, the weather is predicted to be rainy and thunderstorms for tomorrow and that did not sound appealing at all!  I always worry going on a Sat. that we will run into a funeral/graveside service going on and guess what--we ran smack into one that was just a little ways down from Janessa's grave.  As we sat parked in our car trying to decide whether to come back later, I had just said I don't want to see them wheeling the coffin out in front of me because I can't deal with seeing that.  Just as I said that, the doors to the mortuary open and out comes the people wheeling the coffin right in front of me.  I sat in silence watching them go by feeling bad for all the people following that coffin--I know what that feels like.  I hoped that it was an older person who has lived a good long life and that his or her spouse has already died so that there is no grieving widow/widower left behind.

We just sat in the car for about 30 min. waiting for the graveside service to end.   Then we proceeded to go and decorate Janessa's grave.  We had bought rose petals and we had enough to cover her whole gravestone and that made me happy because it looked so beautiful.  After we had decorated her grave stone and my husbands grandparents grave stone because it is his grandma's b-day the day after Janessa's b-day and it is his grandparents wedding anniversary on that same day too, so we always try to bring things for their grave too, we had just sat down with our photo books to just remember for a moment and feel some calm and peace, when all of sudden we look up and there is a backhoe headed right for us!!!  I'm like what the hec--I am not moving--you are not running over my daughters grave! He swerved and went in front of us.  Again we try to refocus and here comes the backhoe back!!!  It came back and forth 6 times carrying dirt to bury that coffin.   That really was not a front row scene that I needed to see today.  I gave up--wished Janessa a Happy Birthday and left.

It really wasn't the calm, peaceful experience that I was hoping for.

My husband's Grandparents grave which is right next to Janessa's grave.

A Birthday Card and Present for Janessa from a special friend.  We opened this up 

at the cemetery to discover a beautiful angel figurine 

<3 Thank You <3  

You helped take some of the sting and hurt from having to go to the cemetery 

to celebrate Janessa's b-day :`)

Hug From Heaven Day Lilly

My first indoor day lilies for 2016 bloomed today! It is a hug from Heaven to have my favorite flower bloom 4 days before Janessa's angel b-day and on a really hard trigger memory weekend for me.  <3

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I'm DONE with March too!!

Yep, this is what March feels like to me--emotionally wise too!

I'm DONE with March Too!!!!!

1 Week until Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday

Sunrise this morning March 2, 2016

1 Week until Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday

Teddy Bears for Merrick

Every year for Janessa's Angel Birthday I like to pick some charity to donate to in remembrance of her angel b-day.  This year I am choosing Teddy Bears for Merrick.  This is the post Merricks Mom had up on her YouTube Video:

"Merrick is turning 8!!! Merrick was born with a rare genetic deletion called 1p36, we were told he may not make it to his first birthday. Merrick has been in and out of the hospital all his life and this will be A day we never thought we would see but he is healthy, happy, and growing big!!

Merrick has a goal to raise toys for our local hospitals and fire station. Please share like crazy and help makes his wish come true!"

HERE ARE THE GOALS
☆☆☆80 TEDDY BEARS ☆☆☆
☆☆☆7 TRAINS (THOMAS PER MERR) don't forget the tracks☆☆☆
☆☆☆Hats and blankets for cancer patients so they will need to be new☆☆☆
And anything other toys you would be willing to donate!
EMAIL ME AT MAKKIESMOM@GMAIL.COM for mailing instructions.

I had so much fun shopping for these 5 teddy bears!  It was like being able to buy each of my angel babies a toy.  So these 5 bears represent Janessa's 5th year, all of 4 my angel babies and 1 for the grief of my nonexistent rainbow baby.  They are all so soft and cuddly--I hope the little kids that get these to hug feel loved and comforted by them.


Here are the 5 Teddy Bears and 1 soft blanket (total of 6 items to represent Janessa's 6th year) getting ready to be shipped to Merrick's house for his 8th Birthday in May.

The First Sunset of March 2016

March has arrived and it is hard.  So grateful for a beautiful sunset to end this day on.  Love seeing the pinwheels all spinning in the wind.  I put solar lights out to outline the 6 at night.  I love sitting in the middle of the circle part of the 6--makes me feel safe from the grief storm and at peace.

March Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

To All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of March!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

(For the Friends we haven't met yet <3)